Thursday, June 16, 2016

The Life Cycle of Sunblock

I have no explanation for why this happens to me but every summer, but it does. Get your shit together, sunblock. This is why I end up every September with fourteen half-empty bottles.



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Tuesday, June 14, 2016

Do you drink in front of your kids?

As many of you know, I work with responsibility.org and this month they asked me to write about drinking in front of my kids. I do it. Apparently a lot of parents don’t, preferring to wait until their kids go to sleep. That used to be me! When my kids were little, they needed my complete and total attention in order not to set the house on fire or attempt to ride the dog. The only time I could sit down, let alone finish a drink (alcohol or otherwise) was when they were asleep.

If we were in a social situation like a party or a barbecue, there was no way I was drinking because that’s when my offspring needed me to be on super high alert. 

Plus, have you ever noticed that when kids are little and you’re at a party, at least half the parents of young children conveniently disappear and just expect you to watch their kids for them while they enjoy some nice adult time? And then you find yourself alone in a room with twelve screaming toddlers and preschoolers and you’re like “how did I become the sheriff of this goat rodeo?” Then you glare at your husband casually drinking a beer and chatting with another grown-up, while you attempt to pull brawling children off each other and repeatedly tell some random kid to stop squirting his juice box into the DVD player, while praying someone comes to your rescue? No? That was just me? 

Monday, May 30, 2016

I Just Want to Be Perfect - The Book!



BUY ME PLEASE BECAUSE I'M HILARIOUS.
Big news, you guys! I got an essay published in a book that just came out. It's called "I Just Want to Be Perfect" and it's available now on Amazon and at Barnes & Noble and probably some other places. I don't want to brag or anything, but my essay is pretty good. It's possibly the funniest "Horrifying Conversation with Mini" that I've ever written.  I think you'll enjoy it because in one story Mini humiliates me in public, creates incredibly memorable song lyrics & forces me to accept the fact that I am the worst at parenting. It's good stuff.

This book is the fourth in the series of anthologies edited by Jen Mann (People I Want to Punch in the Throat). The first one was called "I Just Want to Pee Alone" and it made the New York Times best-seller list. Since I had an essay in that book as well, that makes me a New York Times best-selling something or other. Contributor, I think? In any case, it makes me a fancy lady.

This book is hilarious and has 37 essays from really funny people. It''s all about the pressure we feel to be perfect and describing how we've utterly failed at it. When Jen asked me if I had any funny stories to describe my parenting fails, I was like: "Yes. Those stories are myriad and spring from a well that will never run dry" because as you already know, I'm an idiot.

Wednesday, April 27, 2016

Anatomy of a Little League Game

Photo credit: Hin255 via freedigitalimages.com
It’s Spring! For my family that means baseball. I love the game, even if it does take over my life and turn me into a crazy person. I thought I’d share the experience of managing three kids and a little league game on a school night, for those of you unfamiliar with the experience.

PREGAME: 
5:45pm: Arrive at ball field and of course, there’s no parking. Off-load children and gear and folding chairs and circle the lot like a bird of prey, hoping someone is leaving to get Chick Fil A. Spot opens up but it’s a dreaded foul ball/smashed windshield spot. Sigh and keep circling. See a t-ball mom pull into it, she’ll learn soon enough.

Thursday, April 14, 2016

Horrifying Conversations with Mini: Bedtime Chatting


Hello friends! It's been a while since our last installment of "Horrifying Conversations with Mini", but fear not, this one truly lives up to the name. Let's set the stage for what should have been a precious family moment. My husband, the irascible Cap'n Coupon, has been on the road for the better part of six weeks. On his first night back, he was taking his time tucking the kids into bed and visiting with them, catching up on all the stuff he missed.

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