The Round-Up: Lydia Was TV, Cookies and Star Wars

This week's very exciting round-up includes cookies! And Star Wars! And loads of videos! Can?! You?! Feel?! The?! Excitement?!

Have you ever dealt with the 5 Minute Car Nap? It sucks balls. One of our gorgeous and talented RFML mommies sent us this video of her doing everything within her power to keep her toddler from falling asleep in the car and we thought it was awesome, so we wrote about it. Click here.

First up, if your kids like Star Wars, check out the top 12 Star Wars-themed videos on YouTube. Geeks and non-geeks alike will enjoy it, as I strongly believe that everyone can benefit from more Weird Al Yankovic in their lives. Click here.

It's Girl Scout cookie time and that means you will soon fall under the thrall of that evil, dark goddess THIN MINTS. I have such a special relationship with Girl Scout Cookies of all kinds, that I renamed them. With better names. Like "PTA Chronic", because we all know that stuff is mommy-crack. Click here.

Oh and of course the big news is that Lydia was on TV by herself and she didn't fall down! Or throw up! Kate's fancy job on Rock Center with Brian Williams means she can't go on TV anymore. So after a couple of months of Kate nagging her to go ahead and do it on her own, Lydia - like an idiot - decided she'd give it a try.

I think we can all agree that the result is a wonderous combination of whuck and whaaaa? I talked to the very sweet but somewhat undernourished talk show host Melanie Hastings, like I would talk to one my friends in real life. And then I watched the video and I was like - "That's what I sound like? OH DEAR GOD."



When it was over, I got a text from my friend Mimi that said: "I wuv you!! You awesome. Glad you did not choke on your vomit."

That may have been the best text I have ever received. And it pretty much says it all.

That clip also makes an announcement for me. I got a part time job teaching classes in Global and Community Health at a local university and I'm really, really excited about it but also extremely concerned that at any minute they will call me and tell me they were just kidding. People pay good money to send their kids to that school. My academic credentials notwithstanding, we all know that my children have eaten my brain. There's very little left. Just the part that knows how to make coffee and say "Don't forget to flush the potty."

But it's also sort of magical. Because I get to teach the class that changed my life when I was an undergrad. I love Public Health! Could I be a bigger nerd? I love Public Health and The Lord of the Rings Trilogy! There.

Hugs,
Lydia

(c)Herding Turtles, Inc. 2009 - 2011

10 Things I Lost in the Move

I moved last fall. It was awful. That being said, I love our new house and I feel so lucky to be here. I wake up every day with this feeling of lightness and relief because the move is over. It was sort of like Jr. High School - I don't regret doing it and I know it was an important rite of passage that helped get me where I was supposed to be. But I hated every f*cking minute of it.

And like Junior High, I did not handle it well. I was a petulant misery to be around. I was exhausted and stressed and my stupid beloved husband was on the other side of the country traveling for work. So I had to do most of it alone. I shouldn't complain - single parents and military families do it and they don't spend all their time whining about how hard it is.

But as I said - didn't handle it well.

You don't necessarily realize what you've lost for a while. Then it's a month later and you're all "Where is that fruit bowl that your Aunt Jane lent us?" and you go to look for it and can't find it. Then after a fruitless and frustrating search, you come to the conclusion that it's just gone.

Then there's the other stuff you lose. The stuff that goes missing into the ether and paints a very interesting picture of the whole process, as well as your questionable mental health. So here's a list of things I lost while moving.

10. Every single pair of my son's underpants. What?

9. One large Justin Beiber poster. By "accident".

8. My ability to not shriek and instead ask nicely to please hurry up because we're late.

7. The Dora backpack that sings really loud and doesn't have an off-switch.

6. Four weeks of sleep.

5. My desire to cook or eat anything healthy or anything other than take-out. [Editor's note - it was not unlike the Morgan Spurlock documentary "Supersize Me" except for some bizarre reason I actually lost about 5 pounds.]

4. Pictures of myself in college while on spring break in Jamaica. Also on accident. They sort of fell into the grill while there was a really big fire in it.

3. An athletic cup. Not the strappy part that holds it in place. Just the cup. Huh?

2. The most heinous red tie in the history of ever, purchased at JC Penney in the early 90's worn for the sole purpose of annoying me.

1. My sense of humor.*


*I eventually got it back.

(c)Herding Turtles, Inc. 2009 - 2011

5 Things Little Kids Can Get Away With

Hi everyone! It's me, Guru Louise. How are you? My kids have been adorable but disgusting lately, so Kate & Lydia let me write about it.

I think we can all attest to the amazing power children possess to completely defy embarrassment. They seem to have no shame about, well, anything. Recently I’ve witnessed my children in cringe-worthy situations and instead of looking sheepish they look like they don’t give two schmidts about what just happened. These are things that would leave any adult petrified, horrified, or stupefied .  Honey badger don’t care, people.

Bad Haircuts. 

Either the barber just gets a little too buzzer-happy, mom/dad discovers kids’ haircuts are not a DIY job, or you shell out a decent amount of money for a fancy haircut at the fun place with the chairs that look like a spaceship only to have a chick who looks like she’s 9 years-old butcher your son’s gorgeous red locks to smithereens (ahem, I’m not bitter…). In any case, you take a step back, look at your child and whisper, “Oh dear Maude, what have I done???” 

He looked like this but less cute.

Thankfully, I managed to pull it together and get my vanity in-check before my son saw the horrified look on my face. I’m not exaggerating when I say he looked exactly like a short, plump little Spock or Lloyd Christmas. But did that kid look upset or ask to wear a hat for the next 4-6 weeks? Nah, he didn’t bat an eyelash. He just gave me his version of the Maude face that seemed to communicate, ‘Ain’t no thang to have a bad haircut when you’re a kid, mom.’

Peeing/ Pooping Oneself. 

Before I potty-trained my daughter I’d heard from other moms that the best motivator would be to let her soil herself. I was told she’d find the mess embarrassing and that would be enough to spur her to use the potty. Um, whuck?! Have you met my kid? On Day 1 of potty training I swear to you that she stood on the living room rug peeing and pooping herself while simultaneously asking for a fruit roll up. She didn’t miss a beat. No shame, mom. No shame.

Talking about Peeing and Pooping.   

This is an addendum to the above. I am still consistently shocked at how little modesty my daughter has about her bathrooming habits. I have to regularly remind her that I don’t need to hear about the size, shape, and density of her bowel movements…but what’s truly humiliating is when she feels the need to announce them in very public places, like church or ballet class. For example, about a month after my kid was finally successfully potty trained she yelled this gem in the middle of a crowded supermarket produce section: “MOOOMMMM! I'M FARTING! I'M FARTING! I THINK THAT MEANS MY POOP IS COMING OUT IN MY UNDERPANTS!”  Suffice it to say, she found nothing wrong with that over-share but I was mortified.

Anything Having to Do with Booogers. 

This time of year your average toddler is a drippy, coughing germ circus. And no adult (who wasn’t an escapee from the Home for the Demented and Bewildered) would EVER walk around with snot running liberally down their face.  Nor would an adult would ever dig for gold in plain view without embarrassment. Mine do it with pride. And no adult - failing to have a tissue on hand  - would either eat the evidence or just use their shirt. Please tell me they will age out of this. PLEASE. You can lie, it’s fine.

Undies on Backwards. 

My husband is out the door to work each morning at 5:30am, which means in the winter he’s getting dressed in a dark bedroom. He struggles to find his belt and other sock, all the while bumping into stuff and whisper-cursing like a trucker. And then invariably around 9am I’ll get an email from him saying, “I just went to go take a leak and discovered my undies are on backwards again. FROWN.” It presents quite a predicament: does he strip down in the bathroom stall and fix the mistake or does he walk around all day with his undies on wrong? Meanwhile, as I’m reading his email, my kid walks by with her undies on backward, no pants, wearing a tiara, a cape, and socks on her hands and announces “I’m ready for preschool!”. 

(c)Herding Turtles, Inc. 2009 - 2011