Thursday, September 29, 2016

How to Drive Your Mother Crazy Before 8am

My child has always been, and remains, a precious cupcake baked by the devil. The older she gets, the better behaved she becomes and she is generally delightful to have around. 

But there are moments… moments when keeping my wits about me is challenging and the urge to use my Disney villain voice is strong. The capacity that all children have to be kind, considerate, lovely people, and then absolute turds, all in a matter of an hour, is frankly staggering.

Let me share with you just how a sweet and charming child can drive her mother crazy before 8am, in 21 easy steps.

Wednesday, August 24, 2016

Talking with Offspring

Does anyone else think its funny that I have gigantic, disembodied cat paw on my face?


As many of you know, I work with responsibility.org and this month they asked me to write about how I get my kids to open up to me and tell me things. Mostly it's getting them alone in the car, that's my big trick. They’ll basically tell me anything when they don’t have to make eye contact and they think I’m partially distracted by the road. 

Thursday, August 18, 2016

Unofficial Olympic Events My Kids Would Win


In honor of the summer Olympics, I would like to present a list of events in which my children excel. They are naturally gifted at these things. My youngest, for example, is the Katie Ledecky of not putting her goddamn cereal bowl in the sink. 

Sadly, the events listed are not officially recognized by the IOC. This makes me feel a bit wistful that Proctor and Gamble will not be sponsoring them or making heartfelt commercials implying that their excellence is a combination of my outstanding parenting and their commitment/hard work. 

Team events:
  • Pretending they can't hear me when I say things like "turn off the tv".
  • Kicking off their shoes into a large stink pile by the front door.
  • Complaining that there is nothing to eat when in fact, there is an embarrassment of B-list snacks in the pantry.


Thursday, June 30, 2016

10 Things You Should Know if Your Kid is on Social Media and You're Not


I have a middle schooler that's on social media. It's still new to us, so I follow all my kid's accounts and she follows mine. I've been noticing that some of her friends seem to be aware that adults might see what they post, while others really don't. I don't know what to think about that. I can only guess their parents aren't seeing what I'm seeing. 

I get that it’s all overwhelming and that constantly changing. I understood Instagram, but then Snapchat was suddenly everywhere, just to confuse me. I got up to speed on Vine, then got hit with Music.ly. But my daughter and I are figuring it out as we go along, hoping we're not making too big a mess of things and honestly I'm glad we're doing it together. And I'm grateful that I'm seeing all this stuff, because it's eye-opening.

If your kid is all over social media and you're not, here are ten things I really think you should know:

1) If you're not keeping an eye on what your kid is posting on social media, just know that other parents are. So when your kid uses really bad language or shares inappropriate pictures or retweets racist jokes, I assume that either (a) you have no idea or (b) that you're fine it.

Thursday, June 16, 2016

The Life Cycle of Sunblock

I have no explanation for why this happens to me but every summer, but it does. Get your shit together, sunblock. This is why I end up every September with fourteen half-empty bottles.



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