Sunday, November 15, 2009

Mommy Did A Bad Thing

I ran over my stroller today. Don't worry - it was empty. I parked it behind the mini-van (aka The Big White Tampon), put the kids safely inside, put myself inside, waved goodbye to my friend, and then backed right over the stroller. Is this horrifying? Hmmm... Sort of. No small people were in any actual danger. It was just a very obvious (not to mention expensive) manifestation of what a bubble-head I have become.

Here's the really embarrassing part -- aside from the fact that my mistakes are potentially life-threatening: this is the second stroller I have killed in exactly the same fashion in less than six months. No. I'm not kidding. Here is another really embarrassing part: I don't have to throw the stroller out because I can rebuild it from the spare parts of the other strollers I have destroyed over time. I have a stroller grave-yard on the side of the my garage where I keep the garbage cans and recycling bins. My garage has started to look like Wall*E's trailer. There may not be a wheel-less car and old refrigerator there, but you get the idea. Am I white trash? Maybe ivory. Or possibly cream.

But there's something else. There's clearly something wrong with me. I swear, there are two types of people in the world; those that are somewhat normal and well-adjusted and those that are like me - the devastatingly stupid Morons. (We deserve capitalization.) I spend at least half an hour every night before sleep claims me (or doesn't) making a mental inventory of every cringe-worthy thing I did and said throughout the day. It is often an absurdly long list.

The items range from minor to heinous. Here's a sample:
  • Let the children listen to inappropriate music in the car. Now my four year old keeps saying "Give that big booty a smack". It was hilarious. For about five seconds.
  • Made a joke about excessive drinking to my Pastor and instead of laughing and thinking I was funny, she looked disturbed and constipated.
  • While paying more attention to Facebook than my maternal duties, I think the baby ate dog food.
  • Saw a picture in a magazine of the teenage werewolf from Twilight and choked on my own saliva when I learned that he was 19 years younger than me. Am disgusting, awful, calcified old woman. Need to stop reading UsWeekly and start reading Wall Street Journal.
  • Bought iTunes card as gift for my sister and then spent it myself downloading songs I used to have on cassette. Selfish. Selfish. Selfish.
  • While doing laundry, I found a masticated turd in the washing machine and said: "What is this? Is this... Is it?? Oh for PETE's sake! Are you F*CKING kidding me?!" which was overheard and repeated by my son in rotation with giving his big booty a smack.
  • Referred to myself as a "turtle herder" on the phone and referenced that it often takes my kids 35 minutes to put their shoes on. My daughter started crying because I was mean. Because I called her a turtle.
  • In an effort to make sure the children eat their five servings of fruit and/or veggies per day, I let them eat all the grapes they wanted and now they have diarrhea in the manner of a repeating lawn sprinkler.
  • The last thing my kids heard before falling asleep tonight was me threatening to spank them if I heard one more peep from either of them. Just because it took them a total of two hours and forty minutes from the time they were put in the bed until they finally fell asleep... I should not threaten to beat them. That was wrong.
  • I accidentally finished a whole bottle of wine. It was only two glasses and then a tiny, little third glass and it was gone. I think someone shrunk the bottle.
As I lie in bed every night, running through the day's events in my head, I wonder - is it just me? I try hard every day only to fall short. Am I special? Should I find a support group? Is my poor husband actually doing community service by staying married to me? Why has God chosen to place such wonderful children in my care, when I am so clearly an imbecile? And then I realize that I may in fact be the luckiest person in the world because in spite of who I am (an imbecile) and what I do (be imbecilic), my family and friends love me anyway. It is a miracle. The sort that is celebrated in the streets of France on odd weeks in February. And with that happy thought -- and three glasses of wine -- I fall asleep.

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18 comments:

  1. Hey, wine is a good friend to this mommy! To heck with the constipated pastor!

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  2. I am a firm believer in wine. If not for wine I would completely lose my mind especially when my kids read "everyone poops" and analyzes every page in minute detail and call each other shit head in spanish. Lots of laughs around here!

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  3. I just read the same questions I do to myself every single night. Even today's misery Mother's day.. at the end of your post.. You are not alone.. I hope we are not alone!. I just feel like a failure every time I have to threaten my kids in order to gain 3 seconds of silence.. I hate when I loose my cool.. I really hate that but shit happens :(

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  4. Just found this blog and am reading through the archives. Lydia - IT'S NOT JUST YOU! Motherhood is hard. Marriage is hard. Don't beat yourself up! We love you and are so glad you're here writing in Mommyland!

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  5. Turtle herder is now the new way to describe myself. My youngest has always resembled a turtle, and is as slow as one when trying to move from the van to the house. It takes her 5 minutes just to step up the one step into the house from the porch. I'm amazed at how slow she is as I'm holding the door open allowing 100 flies move in and trying not to pee my pants.

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  6. I just found your blog tonight and after a very loooong day with 2 boys under the age of 2, you have made me a very happy mommy. YOU ARE NOT ALONE!

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  7. I ran over our stroller. Our second stroller. I left the first one on the sidewalk halfway across town and drove away...

    I was so embarrassed about the second stroller that I went to Zellers, bought the exact same one and made my husband promise not to tell anyone :)

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  8. I'm pretty sure we're soulmates. In my case, it was the garage door, not a stroller, but I can imagine our husbands' reactions would have been similar. I'm also notorious for forgetting the no-cursing around the toddler rule, which I enforce with an iron fist for everyone else. Oh, and I'm typing this while my kid is sitting in his high chair, which I have moved into the living room, so he can watch Yo Gabba Gabba while he eats his snack. And I get some peace and quiet.

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  9. Seriously, I'm crying my face off hiding laughter in my cubicle at work. You are fuuuuuunny.

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  10. I am weeping. For the sheer joy. OMFL, someone else who lives like I do, and can write it down better! Thank you!

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  11. I want to be you when I grow up... wait... I am you and I'm way too old not to already be grown up! I'm you except I'm a widowed, single, adoptive Mama doing extrordinarily stupid things with the luxury of no witnesses (most of the time). My son's been home from Russia for 7 months now and he now is aware that "bullshit" is something that should stay outside and that the liverwerst that he sustained himself on for the first several months is what I affectionately referred to as "vile shit". I award myself with "mother of the year" titles daily... but we're family and we make each other laugh... and we're both alive. That's good. Thanks for sharing your drama - it makes mine normal!

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  12. If it makes you feel better I was annoyed at my daughter while I was trying to read this. I tried to read it while she was in the tub but then my husband distracted me, then she got out of the tub and I got sucked into her narration of all the pictures she took for her Lego movie she is making. All I could think is, please let me just finish reading this post then feeling horribly guilty for feeling that way. I should be impressed that my kid is that creative instead of annoyed that she has to share just then.

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  13. Admitting that we're all wracked with guilt is a great start, but as I read this and realized that I do the same thing, I thought, WHY? In my case, I'm a single mom with full custody of my autistic 3 and a half year old, and I do damned extraordinary things in the course of a day! And yet that extra glass of wine, that moment of flashing anger, or the guilt associated with taking time to myself always seems to outweigh them.
    I will make an effort, I think, to counter each guilt-bullet with a congratulatory one from now on-- (After all, how can I hold a little extra me-time against myself when my son SAID A WORD today?) I think I'll sleep better.

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  14. It is not just you, of course it isn't. But you also need to give yourself a break. Maybe before bed you could think a little about the things you wish you'd done better, but end the evening by counting your blessings and remembering the things you did WELL [and I know there are many] that day. Nobody is perfect, but I bet if you were really objective about your mothering, you would realize that you are doing a really excellent job.

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  15. Today is my first time reading your blog, and I am so glad I came across it. After the day I had in the doctor all day, I so needed the laugh!

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  16. I have reached that most blissful state of empty-nest-hood, yes, the fantasy does come true! However, my niece posted your link on FaceBook, and as I read this piece, I literally laughed so hard I had to run across the hall! (you know what room is across the hall!) Oh the memories! Believe me, they are far more precious in the distant past than in the day to day front line grueling warfare that is Mommyland! Thank heaven for wine. I only wish that I had known it was ok to drink wine when my kids were little. Now that they are gone though, we get to do things like go wine tasting and belong to wine clubs and have sophisticated dinner parties...and miss our kids and grand-kids as we toast their health...and their distance! Keep writing, you are a happy bit of sanity doing the hardest job on earth!

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  17. Lydia... you are not alone. I am too an imbecile. I watch other people who see to have it all together & I wonder... wvwn if they may not have it all together, how do they even get to the part that they SEEM to have it all together. I cannot get there. Seriously. I feel your pain. I have not run over any strollers. But I do take out the garbage every so often, and I DON'T MEAN take it to the curb. I mean Run it over... even after I mental noted that it was right next to my van! I've asked God many times, why?! I've never gotten a direct answer, but there's something about us imbeciles that some other's just don't have... the ability to have fun in any situation, to make someone smile no matter how bad it is, to play with our kids & not just watch them, to take it on the chin & laugh, to not care (too much) when there's something on our shirt that's not suppose to be. I know that there's a lot of people out there who wishes they were an imbecile because we may seem like we don't have our acts together, but in reality, we DO in all the stuff that counts...

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  18. was I supposed to not let the baby eat dog food?

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