Here's the really embarrassing part -- aside from the fact that my mistakes are potentially life-threatening: this is the second stroller I have killed in exactly the same fashion in less than six months. No. I'm not kidding. Here is another really embarrassing part: I don't have to throw the stroller out because I can rebuild it from the spare parts of the other strollers I have destroyed over time. I have a stroller grave-yard on the side of the my garage where I keep the garbage cans and recycling bins. My garage has started to look like Wall*E's trailer. There may not be a wheel-less car and old refrigerator there, but you get the idea. Am I white trash? Maybe ivory. Or possibly cream.
But there's something else. There's clearly something wrong with me. I swear, there are two types of people in the world; those that are somewhat normal and well-adjusted and those that are like me - the devastatingly stupid Morons. (We deserve capitalization.) I spend at least half an hour every night before sleep claims me (or doesn't) making a mental inventory of every cringe-worthy thing I did and said throughout the day. It is often an absurdly long list.
The items range from minor to heinous. Here's a sample:
- Let the children listen to inappropriate music in the car. Now my four year old keeps saying "Give that big booty a smack". It was hilarious. For about five seconds.
- Made a joke about excessive drinking to my Pastor and instead of laughing and thinking I was funny, she looked disturbed and constipated.
- While paying more attention to Facebook than my maternal duties, I think the baby ate dog food.
- Saw a picture in a magazine of the teenage werewolf from Twilight and choked on my own saliva when I learned that he was 19 years younger than me. Am disgusting, awful, calcified old woman. Need to stop reading UsWeekly and start reading Wall Street Journal.
- Bought iTunes card as gift for my sister and then spent it myself downloading songs I used to have on cassette. Selfish. Selfish. Selfish.
- While doing laundry, I found a masticated turd in the washing machine and said: "What is this? Is this... Is it?? Oh for PETE's sake! Are you F*CKING kidding me?!" which was overheard and repeated by my son in rotation with giving his big booty a smack.
- Referred to myself as a "turtle herder" on the phone and referenced that it often takes my kids 35 minutes to put their shoes on. My daughter started crying because I was mean. Because I called her a turtle.
- In an effort to make sure the children eat their five servings of fruit and/or veggies per day, I let them eat all the grapes they wanted and now they have diarrhea in the manner of a repeating lawn sprinkler.
- The last thing my kids heard before falling asleep tonight was me threatening to spank them if I heard one more peep from either of them. Just because it took them a total of two hours and forty minutes from the time they were put in the bed until they finally fell asleep... I should not threaten to beat them. That was wrong.
- I accidentally finished a whole bottle of wine. It was only two glasses and then a tiny, little third glass and it was gone. I think someone shrunk the bottle.