Thursday, November 5, 2009

Mommyland Planning Session - Take One

Kate: Hi. What are you doing?

Lydia: Hey, I got home ten minutes ago and its already chaos. I only have a min- What? [pause, child talking in the background] Then go to the potty. I understand. That is why we go the potty. Sorry. So, I had some ideas for tomorrow -- I don't believe for one second that you are afraid of your room. That is an excuse. You just want to be naked. Now go to your room and get dressed!

Kate: So did I! I was thinking about if we did -- [pause, more little voices] No, you just had a snack. [longer pause, accompanied by whining] Sorry, hold on. We're having dinner in an hour, you can wait until then. Ugh. I think they know the instant I get on the phone. Anyway...

Lydia: What about writing a post about when your husband -- [groan] Good GAWD. Just a second. WHAT?! [pause] TOMMY! Do not pick up the baby and put her places! Come on. Crap. Where was I?

Kate: Our husbands are something -- Just a second! [pause] I'm on the phone.

Lydia: That's all I said? Shit. I don't remember now. Stupid Blur. Ummmm, lemme think...

Kate: I was talking to a friend about it, and came up with the idea of -- damn, I'm gonna hurt someone. Do you see this black thing attached to my ear? What does that mean? Right, I'm on the phone. I'll be done in a few minutes. You may go outside or you may go downstairs. OK, so we were thinking that we could --

Lydia: Hey hold on a second for me. Why is she crying? [pause] How did the baby get in the laundry basket? [pause] Is that cheese? Who gave her cheese?! [pause, with sigh] I swear to God, Kate, we don't have any cheese in the house. That is so weird.

Kate: [midconversation] -- broken? Is he bleeding? Is he ON FIRE? Then go away. Without stomping, please. What?

Lydia: [whispering] I'm hiding in the garage.

Kate: Brilliant. I'm going to the laundry room.

Lydia: OH, I totally remembered. I was thinking it would be fun to do one about -- shit. What? [pause] I'm hiding. [pause] I'll take care of it in just a minute. [pause] Stop, I'll do it in a minute. This is hilarious. I don't think I've finished a sentence yet. Oh for the love of Pete. Go. To. The. Potty. Ugh - the other line is ringing. Like I can even talk to one person -- hold on a sec.


Kate: [while on hold] Did you finish your homework. I'll come up when I'm done. [pause] Nunya. [pause] Nunya, like nunya business. I'm talking to Lydia, nosy. [pause] It's totally nosy. You need to finish your homework. [pause] [to other child] Why did you change clothes? [pause] Do you do the laundry? Go change back. [pause] It is NOT hot outside! [pause, with groan] One, it's not hot. Two, don't roll your eyes at me. Three, did YOU finish your homework? [pause] Ugh, no I can't call the school at 5:30 and see if they'll let you in to your classroom. [pause, with pleading child] You'll just have to explain it to --

Lydia: I'm back.

Kate: Hey. I'm in hell.

Lydia: Girl, welcome. I've been there all month. Good job, honey. Now wash your hands. No! Wash your hands! Don't touch your--- Aw COME ON!

Kate: I opened a bottle of wine 45 minutes's been a gooooood day.

Lydia: I'm right behind you. I'm gonna have to pump and dump again but Jenny said you only have to if you drink more than 2 glasses. How big do you think a glass is? Like, 8 ounces?

Kate: [laughing] You still need to tell me what your idea was. The last thing you said was "shit." Which would be funny.

Lydia: [screaming suddenly in the background] I will, but there's a smack-down going on in my kitchen so I'll call you later.

Kate: OK. Bye.

Popular Posts