Tuesday, January 19, 2010

Cruising the BWT with Lydia

Intercom: "Welcome to Starbucks - would you like to try a delicious, fresh-baked blueberry muffin?"
Lydia: "Hmmm, maybe. Do you have any of your yummy morning breakfast sandwiches?"
Intercom: "Ummm, yes."
Lydia: "OK, I'll have the ham one on artisan bread, AND I'll also have the sausage one on the English Muffin. And a grande cinnamon dolce latte, and a Venti Quad Shot Vanilla Latte. Oh, and yes, I will take a blueberry muffin. Thank you!

Intercom: "We're all out of blueberry muffins."

Lydia: "Ummm, how many cars got in front of me since you offered me a muffin? Aren't we at a drive thru Starbucks?

Intercom: [silence]

Lydia: "Ok then, we'll take raspberry."

Kate: "What's a venti quad shot?"

Lydia: "It's the big coffee and it has four shots of espresso."

Kate: "Dear God, are you planning on nursing that baby to Mars? Mini-mini-me, are you ok? Do you want Auntie Kate to call the County?"

Lydia: "Mini-mini-me? What the hell are you talking about?"

Kate: "OK. Thumbelina is a mini-me of you. And the baby is a mini-me of Thumbelina. Hence, Mini-mini-me."

Lydia: "Cool. I like that I'm Dr. Evil in this scenario." (raises pinky to her lip and makes a squinky eye face)

Then we get our stuff from the drive-thru. The 19 year old Barrista hits on Kate. She blithly ignores him and the scarfing of breakfast sandwiches commences. Then we drive past the infamous hell-hole known as Chuck E Cheese.

Lydia: "You know, my kids don't even know I'm allowed at Chuck E Cheese. I've been telling them for like three years that that it was only babysitters and grandmas. So they don't even ask."

Kate:"I hate that damn place. We call it Satan's Playground. Especially those disease-ridden hamster trails running around the ceiling."

Lydia: "I KNOW. Everytime we go there for some dumbass birthday party, 3 days later someone is sick."
Kate: "Even if they coated the interior of those things with a thick layer of Purel, like DAILY, kids would still get sick."

Lydia: "You have a better chance of catching a bacterial infection in those Chuck E Cheese tubes, even coated with Purel, than in the rectal cavaity of some random dude. Seriously."

Kate: "You could single handedly eliminate H1N1 in the US by burning every Chuck E Cheese to the ground."

Lydia: "You got that right."

Kate: "What. The. Hell. Are. We. Listening. To?"
Lydia: "Amanda Lepore! Awesome, right!"

Kate: (only hearing oompah, oompah, oompah) "By awesome do you mean scary and off-putting? Because, then... yes."

Lydia: "You're like the Cap'n. Do you know what he says about my beloved Jay-Z? Cats in a trash can. He thinks all rap music sounds like cats in a trash can. How OLD is he??"

Kate: "That makes me laugh. Ohmygawd. What is that smell?"

Lydia: "Diaper?"

Kate: "Nooooo....." (reaches under the seat - pulls out three month old juice box that smells like a combination of vinager and vomit) "I think this is it".
Lydia: "Oh. Sorry about that. The BWT is a little ripe right now. It's overdue for a clean-out."
Kate: "You might want to use a firehose. And an autoclave."
Lydia: "Suck it, Fancy. I like my stupid van. Or maybe I only like it whine you are mean to it. In either case, suck it, s'il vous plait.  See? I used manners.  Besides, it's not really that bad.  Right now I have only three things in the way way back of this van.  (1) rebuilt jogging stroller that I ran over that time (2) umbrella and (3) an imaginary hatchet.  I bet your stupid car has way more stuff in the trunk."
Kate: "OK, Van-Girl, whatever.  It's time to go pick up the kids."
Lydia: "Ooh. What do you think would happen if we didn't?
Kate: "They'd start calling - like incessently. And eventually they'd call Child Services or something."
Lydia: "Child Services. That sounds nice. Is that like free babysitting?"
Kate: (raises one eyebrow and gives Lydia the "Maude" face) "I never thought of it that way.  But maybe.  For you.  Oh. You were kidding.  In any case, it would make us bad mommies."
Lydia: "Yeah, and I already have one of those in the trunk."
Kate: "I say we take it to your BWT." [Lydia glares at Kate.]
Lydia: "I say we don't.  Leave my Tampon alone.  Ugh.  That sounded really bad.  It can't help that it's a big, old, white, messy, wreck-on-wheels any more than I can.  And you love me.  Now apologize. To the van."
Kate: "Sorry, BWT.  I like you.  Sort of.  A little.  Maybe." (thought bubble says: if only to make fun of you)
Lydia: "Yay!"  (sings/taunts) "You like a mini-van!  Fancy likes a mini-van!"
Kate: (sigh) "Next time, we're taking my car."

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