Friday, December 4, 2009

Elin and Tiger are "working it out"... with Kate & Lydia

Hi Elin,

It's your new BFFs Kate and Lydia again. Listen sweetie, we're a little concerned. Saw the news this morning. One report said you were renegotiating your pre-nup (which implies you totally read our last letter, which is awesome). You see to some people, your current $300 million divorce settlement might sound like a lot.

But then again to some people, getting paid to play golf, being a multi-millionaire and being married to a Swedish model who bears you beautiful children sounds like a lot. But I guess that it was just not enough. For him.

So. A couple more ideas for evening the score:

1) For every subsequent discovery of a new skank, you get to move up a golf club...we fear you will be swinging the driver by Christmas.

2) For every trip your husband goes on, he will have a new "security" detail. Not for his security. More like security for his pants. In case the rest of the world doesn't know, you, Miss Elin, have an identical twin sister and she is just as gorgeous.

So, Josefin goes on the trips when you stay home...the world will never know if it's you or her. And neither will those "lovely" cocktail waitresses who patronize your husband.

3) The Tattoo we suggested yesterday- though our Patron Saint warns us that a "FLACCID" facial tattoo will only be seen by certain "ladies" (also, twats) as a challenge, we think abject humiliation for the tattoo-ee does wonders. There's no mulligans for permanent ink, jackass.

[Sidebar: A quick note to Tiger's "girlfriends" -- can you feel us rolling our eyes at you? A quick grammar lesson, just because you're a "cocktail" waitress doesn't mean you offer "tail" for his -- well, you get our drift. Maybe you should also reconsider your goal to become famous for your skanktitude. Was this part of your five year plan? Publicly "brand" self as nationally recognized punjana? Nice.]

Since we're your friends, we have your back no matter what you do. Oh, BTW, we think it was so awesome that your mom and Tiger's mom were both in the house when this happened? Was your mom cursing in Swedish and handing you ammunition? Forgive us, we're sure your mum is a lovely woman, but we sort of hear the Chef from the Muppets in our heads. Up the octave, add a little anger and have him hurling meatballs around, and mentally we have your awesome mother. We hope it was her who handed you the driver. "Ta det här min dotter. Slog honom!"

As for Tiger's mom... Well, what can you do? Say "Duck, Son"? Maybe they should have taken a couple of days during his childhood away from the links to teach him to play DodgeBall. DodgeClub. DodgeFireHydrant? DodgeTree? (you'd think that one would be easy...odd) Or, even better, DodgeO.P.P??

Lastly, Elin, you have so much going on, and we KNOW (Kate really really knows) that your phone is ringing off the hook, and everyone from Oprah to Ellen to the Today Show and Access Hollywood are all DYING to get your story. Ryan Seacrest is probably tunnelling under the Gulf Coast to get to you as we speak. (How is that guy famous, by the way? Three hundred MILLION people in this country, and we've decided that he should be famous? Sigh.)

Anyway, they are just using you. For ratings. For their egos. So they can blast all over the TV and internet that "ELIN WOODS TALKS EXCLUSIVELY WITH [some jackhole] ONLY ON [some show]. TONIGHT!!!!" And they'll drag the interview out over two weeks and you'll never escape it. Besides the fact that the questions are just so inane. "How did you feeeeeeeeeeeeeel Elin?" Obvious answer, you felt like taking a 3-iron to his forehead, duh.

Come talk to us instead. We won't even blog about it. (OK, maybe we will, but we'll like totally hide your identity. We can call you Mrs. Cheetah. Because no one will EVER figure that out. We're clever.) We'll pour wine. Your kids can run around with ours. We'll all wear TEAM ELIN t-shirts -- which, you should TOTALLY have made up for your kids - TEAM MOMMY - and dress them in them all. the. time. And you can tell us what a douchebag he really is, and that he makes bad golf puns about his driver and holes-in-one.

And then we'll show you how it is physically possible to use those handy fairway golf ball washers on his scrotum. While its still attached. Just do it.

XO, your BFFs,
Lydia & Kate


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