Monday, December 27, 2010

MommyLand Rewind: Lydia's Holiday Play-by-Play

The night before: Twelve family and friends are coming tomorrow for a post-Christmas Christmas dinner.  We decide that he (the Cap'n) will do all the cooking and that I will do everything else (cleaning, child-wrangling, guest attending, etc). Based on historical data, house will only generously be described as "tidy", the children will be monsters, guests will laugh AT me and we will all sit down to enjoy our holiday meal at 11:27 pm.

The next morning:
7:01 am - Husband wakes up to put beast in oven. Baby and I sleep on. Bliss...
7:30 am - Kids are awake. Reenacting the first Christmas, provided that the First Christmas was birth of baby Jesus AND a mixed martial arts battle.
7:49 am - Sleep no longer possible. Open bedroom door and find empty bag of mini-marshmallows. Not good. Peer around corner. Children are shrieking and appear to be levitating, possible due to ingestion of stolen marshmallows. Crap. Contemplate closing bedroom door and feigning headache. [pause] Laugh uproariously at self. When was the last time that worked?
8:41 am - Have been cleaning for 40 minutes and house is still disgusting.  Old ladies in Alabama used to tell me "Nothing cleans the house like company coming!".  Little did they know that literally nothing but the prospect of guests will compel me to clean my house.  
9:30 am - Husband is producing delicious smells from kitchen. Suddenly spoon is shoved into my mouth, with the order of "taste this." I now know how the baby feels...
11:03 am - Things have been simmering and baking for hours. All windows have steamed over due to rise in ambient temperature. We will now be celebrating the holiday in a terrarium.
11:34am - Why is it so quiet? I investigate. Children appear to be in some sort of coma. All are slung over pieces of furniture, listlessly watching TV. Nice. [Mental note to self: Next time I have a morning appointment and plan to leave the LTS with the Cap'n, feed them marshmallows before I leave. Enjoy coma when I get home.]
- "Yes. I see it. Yes, it is indeed poop. Please stop making that face. I will clean it before the guests arrive. Go back to the kitchen."
12:45pm - Is it better for the house to be clean or self to be clean when guests arrive? Not time for vacuum and shower. House smells delicious. Self does not smell delicious. Shower it is.
1:29pm - Total of five children playing downstairs. Being "watched" by Uncle M who is actually watching football and telling them to shut up. All five, including baby, are now happily shouting "Shut up! Shut up!"
2:01pm - While being "watched" by Uncle M, baby wanders into powder room and spends delightful ten minutes completely unrolling four-pack of giant toilet paper rolls and playing "fishy" in the porcelain bowl.
2:49pm - Cooking time of beast misjudged. Is done three hours earlier than expected. Apparently pounds of beast times minutes roasted equation more difficult than anticipated. Am sympathetic as last beast I successfully roasted required an abacus.
3:29pm - Dinner served. Delicious. Perfect. Husband is master of culinary arts. All toasts and compliments except Uncle M who remarks that yams look naked. Husband glares at children whose pupils are still in the shape of marshmallows.
6:15pm - Guests depart after helping clean kitchen. Took three women approximately one and a half hours. House is now merely "tidy" but is huge improvement over normal state.
7:58pm - Exhausted children now asleep. Fire made. Holiday music softly playing. Drinks poured. Culinary genius is waiting. Sigh... I love the holidays.


  1. Hehe, so glad it went better than anticipated. Oh and I voted the second radio button by mistake. But I still wouldn't follow advice from you crazy ladies =D Except for the 'how to raise a teenager' chronicles! Many hugs, and Merry Christmas!

  2. See ya' when you are done with your holiday celebrating!

  3. Glad it went well. This story reminded me of the Christmas madness that used to take place every year when I was a child, but I saw it from the strung out on Christmas candy side of things.

  4. that's right...nothing but the prospect of guests in transit or a landlord visit compels me to clean my house, either.

  5. That's great, sounds like our house on Christmas Eve, but with two dogs (large) racing around like they are in the Daytona 500.

  6. I can totally relate to the not cleaning the house unless guests are coming over. And the better I know you, the less I will clean for you.




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