Tuesday, December 8, 2009

It's 8:03 am and I Need an Adult Beverage

It is 8:03 a.m., and it has not been a good morning. I am exhausted. I am unpleasant. I am very close to coming to unhinged. And I am being provoked. Where to begin. Or more precisely... With whom?

To Captain Coupon. Let's start with you. I know that you just love to mess with me. Making me mad is a delightful sport to you. But here's a hint; when your baby wakes up every 45 minutes all night long because she is teething and you do NOTHING expect snore and roll over, it is inadvisable to wake up at 6:30am and stomp around our bedroom bemoaning the fact that your dress shirt has wrinkles. And fuss about "where are my cuff links?" I have no idea. Where are my black pearl earrings? You don't hear me asking you to keep track of my random crap. Also, it is a very bad idea to use a tone with your wife about said dress shirt and then coo to the baby: "Did my sweet girl have a rough night? Daddy's here, it's all ok." Really? Is it all ok? Because for your sake, I hope the gun is unloaded. And if your judgment is bad enough that you ask me to make you breakfast, I will stab you with a fork.

To six-year old daughter. You are next. Why are you crying? You cannot be possibly be crying for the reason you claim. I am the meanest mommy on the earth? Seriously? You are six. So am I horrible because I refuse to dress the entire family in black pants and white shirts. And then have us all walk you to school. So that everyone in the neighborhood and at school can see us dressed alike. So that (direct quote): "They will see us and know we are a family and that we are really professional people". To what profession were you referring? Catering? I will not dress the entire family in matching outfits. We are not Von Trapps. Or Osmonds. We are also not crazy. I will not do it for family photographs, and I will certainly not do it on a Tuesday morning. I'm sorry that you are crying. You are very cute and I love you, but if you ask me one more time to change my clothes, I am locking you in the closet.

Back to Captain Coupon: No. I am not changing into a white shirt and I am not being mean to her. Please stop moving your mouth hole before my inner New Jersey takes over (like the Hulk does to Bruce Banner). I am no longer responsible for my actions.

To four-year old son: I heard you the first fifteen times you asked me to wipe your bottom. I am pretty sure you already know that we keep extra toilet paper and toddler wipes under the sink so I see NO REASON why you chose to wipe your keister with my shower curtain. And yes, you do have to wash your hands. Oh, I see. There is no poop on your hands because you didn't use your hands to wipe. You used the shower curtain. Therefore you do not have to wash your hands. That is very interesting logic, my son. Ahem. WASH. THEM. RIGHT. NOW. And you will use soap or I will bathe you in the front yard with a hose.

Back again to Captain Coupon: Stop laughing this minute and go to work. I mean it. Wait, did you seriously change your suit so that she would stop crying? Do you have any idea what you have done? You look like you need a wine list.

To the baby: I love you. You're the only one in the whole house who is currently good. And I know your mouth hurts. But why? Why do you hate me? Why do you bite me while you are nursing? I don't want to scream like that, but you see, it's involuntary. Because you are biting my nipple and it hurts like a bastard. Also, could you please try sleeping? For more than an hour? At night, I mean? Pretty please?

I hear a small voice that sounds eerily like my own. It says: "I should not have to ask you ten times to get dressed. Please. Get. Dressed. Or. We. Will. Be. Late." It is my daughter. I think she is talking to her brother.


To the dog: You. Do you know that your little squirrel chasing dream last night woke up the baby the one time she was actually sleeping? Was it necessary for you to howl? Really? Wake up that baby ONE MORE TIME and you're sleeping in the basement. Also, I get it. The floor next to my side of the bed is your happy place. I understand that this is a great honor. But do NOT pilfer disgusting items from the trash can and then take them to your special place where I step on them in the dark. I do not enjoy wiping wet Ritz crackers (or "reprocessed" Kleenex) off my feet at 4am. I am talking to a dog.

Silence. I look up. They are all there, staring at me. They are all wearing black pants and white shirts. Oh no. The Blur is obscuring my vision. The Cap'n is holding out a white sweater. "Put it on. It's time to walk to school." He is trying not to laugh. Its over. The battle is lost, and the little terror suspects have won again. I lack the strength to fight so I put on the sweater. We are a family of professional caterers and we are now walking to school.

Fantastic.

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35 comments:

  1. Thank you for the fabulous laugh! Having a rotten day here(car broken into this morning) and this totally has me rolling. I almost have tears running down my face.

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  2. OMG! This is hilarious! Of course, I can laugh NOW that all my kids are grown and OUT OF THE HOUSE!!! Oh, but I've been where you are now!

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  3. I can't stop laughing!! I actually DO have tears streaming down my face. Thanks for the great laughs.

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  4. My 7 year old had a meltdown last week because we were out of frozen french toast sticks. He literally gave me a headache with his temper tantrum as he didn't leave it with that, but continued to argue and whine all the way to school. I have 4 kids (5, 7, 10, 11), so they each take turns and sometimes gang up on me.

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  5. I just cried from laughing so hard. Thank you for giving my kids another reason to think I'm CRAZY.

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  6. I'm pretty sure we are living the same life. I laughed so hard about keeping track of his random crap that I may have peed myself a little. This may be the best blog post ever.

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  7. I have a 2 week old son, and your "to the baby" segment is exactly how I have felt everyday for the past 16 days. He doesn't even have teeth nor should he know how to chew, but that is exactly what he does...to me! OUCH!

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  8. Your 6-year-old's statement reminds me of a friend who's 5 year old stated "you've ruined my life". To which she replied, "my work here is done!"

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  9. Hilarious. You are a very funny writer.

    But I hope that you added the part about you giving in to a 6 year old as artistic embellishment and didn't actually do it.

    Also, anyone who breast feeds something with teeth really is asking for trouble and it's sorta difficult to sympathize. Good luck.

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  10. OMG, I just found you through Mom-in-a-Million, and I first read your glossary and then went to favorite rants. I am hard to make laugh out loud. In fact, I shoot my husband dirty looks when he repeatedly and loudly laughs out loud when he is reading something online, or the Funny Times, etc. But you killed me! I actually had tears running down my face and my 18 month-old came over and looked concernedly in my face, and said "hi?" to make sure I was OK. It was the dog eating tissues picture that did it. My dog does the exact same thing! I will be reading much, much, more!

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  11. You had me at shower curtain.

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  12. "Where are my black pearls?". Thanks. I'll have a burning sensation from regurgitated Coke Zero all day from that.

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  13. To tcarole: I once said to my sister (in a very superior and condescending tone of voice) after her son had defaced her furniture, "Anyone with kids who keeps Sharpies in their house is just asking for it."

    Guess who's kids defaced *my* property with a Sharpie several years later? That's right. My own offspring. And I totally deserved it.

    If you can't be nice to Kate and Lydia, you shouldn't be here. I would tell you that you deserve to have your nipple bitten, but that wouldn't be very nice, now would it?

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  14. Just read that this morning and I may have woke my precious sleeping family with my laughter...thanks to you.

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  15. OMG! Laughing so hard I cried! THANK YOU THANKYOU! LOVE THE DOG CHAT !

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  16. To tcarole: Anyone who is nursing "something" with teeth is one of the few awesome Mommies following the recommendation to nurse for at least a year. And I agree with Julie. If you can't be nice find somewhere else to be.

    To Lydia: If you're still nursing, the next time she bites draw her toward your breast and DON'T YELL (yes I know it is nearly impossible). She won't have the joy of a reaction from you and will also have to open her mouth in order to breath so she will immediately let go. My pediatrician recommended this with my first and it worked with all four. I never got bit more than once.

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  17. To tcarole: Do we need to square up with you? Because that kind of comment isn't welcome. Guess you don't have kids, huh?

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  18. Seriously, Lydia...I was laughing so hard that I was crying, then there I am laughing so hard I can't read and having chest pains that I'm laughing so hard.

    also, thanks for the comment above about what to do when being bitten. My baby doesn't have teeth yet, but that day isn't far off...

    Last, I'm not convinced that tcarole isn't a man. Only a man would say something like that.

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  19. A friend of mine posted a link to your blog on Facebook and I clicked...and boy am I happy I did!!!! I have been slowly reading through the favorite rants, but I have to say, THIS post was particularly hilarious and made me laugh so hard to the point where I had tears running down my face.
    That picture of the dog killed me, I just couldn't see that and NOT laugh out loud hysterically. The ending was priceless. Love everything about this post and you have surly just secured a new fan of your professional family.

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  20. I read the first paragraph to my husband after my laugh-so-hard-gasping-for-air laughter disturbed his TV watching. He didn't get it. Perhaps he just doesn't realize how often I want to stab *him* with a fork! ;)

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  21. To tcarole: good luck to you somewhere else...I'm sure there are blogs where you can be smug and superior and bitchy but this isn't it so don't let the URL hit you on the way out...

    Lydia, I adore you! And I am still nursing my 3 year old so I understand about the teeth...and before he even had teeth he would gum bite and that hurt like a bastard too! There you go tcarole, no teeth still hurts, maybe that will defrost your sympathy brick!

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  22. Oh. Yes. Thank you so much. I am laughing so hard that I'm crying.

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  23. to Lydia: Hilarious! Almost a daily vision in this house with miss nearly 2, miss 3.5 and miss 5 going on 15. My favourite line- "Do you have any idea what you've done?" Classic! My husband does this sort of thing All.The.Time. Like sugar on their cereal- now they won't eat it without!
    to tcarole: my first "something" had teeth at 6 weeks, my second at 4 weeks. You can't tell me they were ready to stop breast feeding!

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  24. I nursed my chibling until she was three and a half. I have read this post SO many times and sympathized SO hard because I've seen both Thumbelina and Mini-mini-me in mine.

    I was lucky. She didn't sprout a tooth until 8 months (let's not discuss the drooling that started five months before the first tooth actually appeared, or the walking that started one MONTH after the first tooth...criminey give me a chance to BREATHE between milestones please) and she wasn't a biter, but she was a grazer. She used to graze the top of my nipple with those sharp little top teeth very casually in the same. exact. place. every. time. At one point, after a LLL potluck no less I was reduced to pleading in a church parking lot for her to "Oh gods PLEASE STOP DOING...THAT...THING...WITH YOUR TEETH!!"

    *coff*

    It was met with mixed sympathy and thinly veiled smugness from the Snitches Whose Preciouses never bared a tooth on the boob.

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  25. My daughter never bit me while nursing. No. BUT, when she was a bit bigger and would sleep with me (ok - she'd have a morning nurse while laying in bed so I wouldn't have to actually get up just yet), she'd manage to roll over ON MY NIPPLE every single day! I mean, they're not THAT big! How???

    As for the dog, I need to share. We live in a town where you are not allowed to put your trash out until Monday. No visible trash cans. Nowhere to keep invisible trash cans. So we let our inside trash cans fill since I really don't want multiple trash bags in my house. My dog, like yours, likes tissues. But what he really likes is anything that smells like us. Used panty liners, razor blades that have been bled on, and plastic tampon tubes. I swear to you, last week, I threw away the SAME mangled tampon tube about 4 times before finally giving in and turning my kitchen into the trash room with multiple trash bags. I mean, he took it into the living room!
    This comment, I think I'd better stay anonymous.

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  26. oh thank you so very much :) if i had been drinking cover my walls and computer would now be decorated with it ... thank heaven's for small mercies.

    i needed that laugh :D

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  27. Wow, this one is particularly funny. I am crying I am laughing so hard. Cheers to your professional family!

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  28. I have been there with a teething baby and being up all night and then my husband wants to bitch in the morning because I am in a bad mood! GIVE ME A BREAK! At least you got to sleep all night!!!

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  29. Still hilarious, eighteen months later, and for someone who doesn't even have kids. I haven't laughed this hard in months!

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  30. Omfg ok so I know this is an old post but this is the first time I read it and I might have just peed myself.... Just a little. Not that anyone would notice when I'm covered in quinoa and yams that my 8 month old rejected this evening...

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  31. One of my coworkers just recommended this blog to me and I have to say i have not laughed this hard in a long time. Its not only well written and very funny in and of itself but i guess what gets me going more than anything is that it could very well be MY LIFE!!! As I'm reading this i have a home movie of myself and my boys, 4 & 10, going through my brain and its almost the same. LOL I will be reading alot more....I'M TOTALLY HOOKED!!!!

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  32. WONDERFUL entertainment. Thanks for the laugh.

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  33. I totally needed to re-read this tonight and laugh hysterically!

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