Friday, December 18, 2009

Lydia's Holiday To-Do List (Page 3 of 7)

Note from Lydia:
I am sharing just this one page of my truly horrifying holiday to-do list, as the entire thing would take too long for me to type. Because it is currently longer than Gone With The Wind and it is only December 18th. Every year I swear I'm going to take it easy and yet here I am, praying that I can make it through the season of Advent without killing someone with a hatchet. Or dissolving into a puddle of tears and scotch. My husband, the incomparable Captain Coupon, by his very name dislikes the frenzy of spending that accompanies the holidays. He is watchful and vigilant. Of his money. Also, I am very close to losing my schmidt as a result of the herd of idiots that appear magically in my way wherever I go, meandering slowly, oblivious to the fact that everyone else is in a stress-fueled frenzy. So, anyway, here is page 3. Enjoy.

19) De-clutter and deep clean entire house before guests arrive on Saturday. The Cap'n claims this is not possible. He says I should aim not for "deep clean" but rather "not embarrassing".

20) Crap! Girl Scout troop is having holiday party... tomorrow?! Oh no. OK, snacks and drinks for 25. Do I have to go to the store again? Yes. Dang it. Unless I am going to be serving them crackers and Pinot.

21) Reply to nasty-gram from daughter's school as apparently forgot to send in icing for class gingerbread project and as a result children had to use glue sticks and that is neither fun nor delicious.

22) Write, address and stamp 100 Christmas cards. Do not get submerged in the Blur, think you're done with cards once the stamps are on them, and then leave them on the passenger seat of the Big White Ford Tampon until December 26th like last year.

23) Finish Christmas shopping. Almost there... Still to need buy for all three kids, Cap'n, Mom, Step-dad, Dad, Sister, Brother, nephew, Mother-in-law, Sister-in-law, and self. Don't forget coupons. Nuts. Is 4 pm. Will have to buy everything at Target. Again.

24) Wrap and ship gifts. Tell Cap'n that is finally done and was only $204 as had to send it all priority mail not too expensive.

25) Gas station. Oh no. Where is my debt card? WHERE IS THE DEBIT CARD?? OK, slow down. Where is the last place I used it? Crap, crap, crap we are going to run out of gas and it's freezing... I am going to get divorced if it becomes known I have lost the debit card again. Try not scream. Try not scream. It's... oh. It's in my pocket.

26) Make honest effort to enjoy magic of Holiday and Santa Claus with children while they are still little and try to control urge to shriek at everyone and be raging B all day. Also will stop threatening to with-hold presents for misbehavior as they now just roll their eyes and say "Yeah. We know. Sticks, broken pencils and coal. Got it."

27) Lord. It's dinner time. What's in the fridge? Baby carrots, milk, nog, beer, 2 eggs, 3 pounds of butter for baking and 3 week old hot dogs. Expensive cheese. So... Wait. What's that noise?

28) Make appointment to take the dog to vet. Write thank you note to Aunt Jennifer for delicious but poorly wrapped fruit cake that dog has stolen from under the tree, eaten and regurgitated in his special place.

29) Prepare craft for preschool class. Have all components of festive holiday craft: Red and green Felt? check. Jingle bells? check. Pipe cleaners? check. Glue and scissors? check. Ok... where are the instructions. OF COURSE. I don't know where the instructions are. Honey, pour me another glass! Oh, yes, Santas! Little felt Santas, how darling... snip, snip, glue, glue... Oh NUTS. They were supposed to be stockings. Well, TFB preschool class. You are getting Santas.

30) Need to bake bread, cookies and dough for brie en croute, all from scratch for when family comes on Saturday. What? Saturday is not tomorrow. What are you talking about... Oh my God.

Honey, open another bottle. And then get me a straw.

Sigh, onto page 4...

(c)Herding Turtles, Inc. - 2009


  1. This one is so funny. I am peeing. Why is the holiday hysteria such a big part of the whole season now?!

  2. Ok Lydia, I'd like to tell you it gets better, but Uncle Richard refuses to think holiday until his grades are turned in. And he now uses a coffee shop as his "south office" so no phone to call. Mark is home, with a cold, the new puppy wants to play. I managed to get a tree, and Mark took it off the van. There is currently 1 string of lights in the front trees, only half of them lit. David is due home tomorrow. Rachel will need a ride Christmas eve from 45 minutes away. I don't have present for Joycie yet. If it gets done around here, I do it, or not.
    However YOUR box is in the mail Distribute contents as you see fit. The chocolate and bath soaps are yours, not for sharing. the gardener gets the nail brush and shears. The heathens get the rest.

    Aunt Mary


  4. This is so funny and I am with you 100% of the way. I have the entire "Clan" coming to our house this year for the "Holiday" but I consider a "holiday" somewhere with only my little family on an island drinking a Mai Tai, rather than "planning events for 10 people including 1 vegan who can never decide what they want to do, where they want to eat, or if we REALLY have to play another game of scrabble the "correct way".
    I wish you lived down the street from me, because I'd supply you all the cocktails you want.
    Ps. Did you know baileys is great in hot chocolate? I drink in my enviro-friendly mug while throwing the ball for the dog on school grounds...
    Yep. I'm a rebel!

  5. I know this was from two years ago but i read it for the first time today and LMAO!!!!! THANKS ONCE AGAIN for keeping it real :)

  6. you sure do complain a lot about having kids! maybe try birth control and your life might be less hectic.

  7. I *love* #21. Some funny, stuff, mama. Right there with you.




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