Wednesday, December 9, 2009

Warning Labels for Idiots

I have HAD IT with stupid warning labels on things. Especially on kid stuff. I mean, I know there's no test to being a mother. Jamie Lynn Spears proved that. But really?

I was taking my youngest out of his stroller, and as I'm getting ready to rip that obnoxious un-rippable tag off of it, I glance at the warning. I shit you not: "Remove child before folding stroller."

What stupid sack of hair tried that? And then sued the stroller-maker? And then made a ka-jillion dollars for willingly turning her kid into origami? And now they all have to put warnings to remove your offspring less some other dumb twat decides she wants her own brand new Honda a a paper-mache kid. [Editorial Comment: I once bought a hair dryer/curling iron that said "Do not operate while sleeping." - Lydia]

All right then, if that's how it's going to be, I have some warnings of my own.

CAR SEATS: This product is to be used INSIDE the vehicle. Not intended to be strapped to the luggage rack. Not equipped to be used as a tow device. Do not drag behind vehicle. Not intended to be installed in driver's seat. Please follow five-step process:

  1. Buckle seat into car.

  2. Buckle CHILD into seat.

  3. Close car door.

  4. Realize keys are inside vehicle with child.

  5. Contact automobile manufacturer. Who has entirely different set of warnings.

LEGOS: Warning. Manufacturer assumes no responsibility for structural integrity of Lego-created buildings, stairs, chairs, or any other weight bearing construction. Not intended to be used as flotation device, even when it really really looks like a floatie. Consumer assumes liability for injuries sustained when product punctures the bottom of your feet, particularly in the middle of the night. And really, how about NOT making kid snacks in the shape of Legos. If that's the new trend we're going with, how about snacks in the shape of, oh, you know, cyanide pills, bullets, matches (oh yeah, that'd be a good one) and mini cans of bug killer. You guys suck.

BRATZ Dolls: Original creator was a guy who wore those really thick glasses that make your eyes look freakishly huge, and assumed everyone looked like that. Clothing manufacturer was Lindsay Lohan. Or her mom. Either way. Manufacturer assumes no responsibility/liability for daughters who grow up to be NBA groupies. Or Lindsay Lohan. Or her mom.

BABY MOZART/BABY EINSTEIN: What can we say? We are complete morons. This product does nothing for kids. Manufacturer totally assumes all responsibility for complete and abject failure of this product. Product creator was last seen in her huge mansion laughing her ass off after selling product rights to a company headed by a fucking Mouse. Mouse now offering rebates. Please expect higher prices at eponymously named theme parks for the rest of time.

TeleTubbies: WARNING: We assume no responsibility whatsoever for any of this. Creators were completely tripping on acid and thought it was a brilliant idea. Apparently, some jackhole studio executive concurred the next day.

Where's an out of control taxi when you need one?

We have no idea what they're saying, we're pretty sure there's a gun in Tinky-Winky's purse (we may have come up with that idea too. Please sue Smith & Wesson instead) and, frankly, we are horrified every single time they come on TV. We can't believe that actual parents let their kids watch this shit. We are NOT actual parents. We are the people you warn your kids about.

Dora The Explorer: We take responsibility for nothing. Totally assume kids will venture off with rabid monkey to leap across rivers on the heads of alligators. We've gotten rich off parental inattention. In order to appeal to broader audience, manufacturers have tarted her up to look like a seven-year old hooker. Company has taken your comments regarding said changes under advisement. Suggest you go pound sand.


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