Thursday, December 23, 2010

MommyLand Rewind: We Wish You A Hideous Christmas Exchange

I would love to buy Kate an amazing Christmas gift. Something fabulous. [Editor's Note: Hello SHOES!!! - Kate] She deserves it. But alas, well... There is the Cap'n to contend with. And rather than brave the sh*tstorm, I am giving in and getting creative. I suggest you do the same.

I am instituting the First Second Annual Hideous Christmas Exchange. Hideous and Christmas kind of rhyme which is the only reason this proposal is not called "a holiday invitation not limited solely to those people who like Jesus because we want all the Jews and Atheists and Buddhists and everyone we know to get in on this, too". I just like things to rhyme, ok?

There are only two guidelines. The gift you buy has to suck in a serious and meaningful way and it must cost $5 or less. Here are some suggestions:

  • Anything appliqued with Santa, reindeer, or kittens in snow that is intended neither for toddlers or the elderly.
  • There are some darling holiday-themed earrings. Like the jingle bell ones. Because I want to sound like a cat all day.
  • Figurines - any kind. But especially angels with a lot of cleavage.
  • Something for the house? A lovely Mrs. Claus doll whose skirt hides your toilet paper?
  • I would dearly love a green and red dickey.
  • Anything macrame will do.
  • Don't forget the gents - I just bought the Cap'n a reindeer tie that plays Silent Night at the dollar store. He is going to love it because 1) it cost a dollar and 2) it would not look out of place on the 89 year old men who eat breakfast every day at McDonalds with their friends while making outraged comments on what they see in the paper.
  • I saw this huge rack of earth-toned man clogs at Walmart last week. Now who wouldn't love that?
When considering your purchases, ask yourself the following questions:
  • Does this item deeply offend you?
  • Would this item sit on the super-ultra-clearance rack at Big Lots for a really long time? Because it is so awful and random that no one else would ever want it?
  • Do you secretly want to keep it?
  • Will people see you holding this object and wonder if you are on your way back to the nervous hospital?
If you're inclined to answer yes to any of the above, you should buy it. Let me also say that if you are forced to participate in some lame ass Secret Santa/office gift exchange, you might really want to consider jumping on this bandwagon. You may find it is the last year you are asked to participate. I call that win/win.

So in spirit of Kitsch-mas, we are asking you to please take a snapshot of the most hideous holiday gift you've ever seen, give it a pithy caption and send it to us.

Season's Greetings,

Lydia & Kate

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