Thursday, December 23, 2010

MommyLand Rewind: We Wish You A Hideous Christmas Exchange

I would love to buy Kate an amazing Christmas gift. Something fabulous. [Editor's Note: Hello SHOES!!! - Kate] She deserves it. But alas, well... There is the Cap'n to contend with. And rather than brave the sh*tstorm, I am giving in and getting creative. I suggest you do the same.

I am instituting the First Second Annual Hideous Christmas Exchange. Hideous and Christmas kind of rhyme which is the only reason this proposal is not called "a holiday invitation not limited solely to those people who like Jesus because we want all the Jews and Atheists and Buddhists and everyone we know to get in on this, too". I just like things to rhyme, ok?

There are only two guidelines. The gift you buy has to suck in a serious and meaningful way and it must cost $5 or less. Here are some suggestions:

  • Anything appliqued with Santa, reindeer, or kittens in snow that is intended neither for toddlers or the elderly.
  • There are some darling holiday-themed earrings. Like the jingle bell ones. Because I want to sound like a cat all day.
  • Figurines - any kind. But especially angels with a lot of cleavage.
  • Something for the house? A lovely Mrs. Claus doll whose skirt hides your toilet paper?
  • I would dearly love a green and red dickey.
  • Anything macrame will do.
  • Don't forget the gents - I just bought the Cap'n a reindeer tie that plays Silent Night at the dollar store. He is going to love it because 1) it cost a dollar and 2) it would not look out of place on the 89 year old men who eat breakfast every day at McDonalds with their friends while making outraged comments on what they see in the paper.
  • I saw this huge rack of earth-toned man clogs at Walmart last week. Now who wouldn't love that?
When considering your purchases, ask yourself the following questions:
  • Does this item deeply offend you?
  • Would this item sit on the super-ultra-clearance rack at Big Lots for a really long time? Because it is so awful and random that no one else would ever want it?
  • Do you secretly want to keep it?
  • Will people see you holding this object and wonder if you are on your way back to the nervous hospital?
If you're inclined to answer yes to any of the above, you should buy it. Let me also say that if you are forced to participate in some lame ass Secret Santa/office gift exchange, you might really want to consider jumping on this bandwagon. You may find it is the last year you are asked to participate. I call that win/win.

So in spirit of Kitsch-mas, we are asking you to please take a snapshot of the most hideous holiday gift you've ever seen, give it a pithy caption and send it to us.

Season's Greetings,

Lydia & Kate


  1. Can you please turn these pictures into keepsake, hand-crafted holiday cards? Because that would be hillarious.

  2. Absolutely! For the low price of $4 a card, we'll send you a handsigned Man Clogs or Kewpie Doll Kitschmas card. Or, if you prefer, the Cap'n or McLovin will sign it. Give them to your BFF, your obnoxious neighbor across the street, or anonymously slip them under the door of the office tart.
    Email us with the details and where to send 'em. Any money we make we're using to invest in Punjana. Free trade Punjana.

  3. We started doing this several years ago with my Mom's extended family. We draw numbers and pick wrapped gifts out of a pile. The most hideous gift, of course, gets the most admiration. Christmases with this group have been way more fun since we started this.

  4. We do something like this in my family with stocking stuffers. The winner is usually some type of potted meat product. (It really helps if the phrase 'meat product' is printed on the tin.)

    Ooooh, I can't wait for this post!

  5. Guru Louise, how about a can of Spotted Dick? My son thinks this is hilarious! Or Cockles. Another knee-slapper for my 16 year old.

  6. Awesome! We use to do something similar called "the Snowman" (a paper mache snowman- the closest we get in Perth, Australia) We put "piss pulling" presents in there for all the Aunts , uncles & cousins. As a teen I remember receiving a T-shirt with the words "Stuff this" under a picture of a turkey. Every year my Mum would get those tacky "festive earrings" with the cat bells. Grandad got something (anything) in a "child proof" container that he could never open!
    It really did make for a much funnier family celebration and it keeps the $$ down while still sharing the love!
    Highly recommended!

  7. Long time ago, in a white elephant christmas exhange I got a blue plastic toilet seat with a painted, winking golden owl under the lid.

  8. Love!!!

    We do a "Bad Present" with my Aunts family and we hit up the clearance at Big Lots this year. Foam Sword?? Yes! Winnie The Pooh Magnet with taped box? YES!! "Off the Cuff: The Essential Style Guide for Men--And the Women Who Love Them" by Carson Kressley for $1?? EVEN YESSER!!

  9. Oh, I wish I could take a photo of the "lovely" Christmas candle DH's grandparents sent us (sans irony) for our first Christmas. However, I think it got "broken" and/or "lost" during our last move. He insisted on putting it on the mantle every Christmas, even after the white candle (with snow theme) faded to more of a "don't eat the yellow snow" color...

  10. Glass clown figurine. Big.
    This was a gift I ended up with at a Secret Santa for a job I left before I could curse someone else with it the next Christmas. Needless to say, we.still.have.IT. Hidden away, of course, waiting for the perfect opportunity.

  11. Check out thses awesome gifts:

  12. Years ago I was part of a White Elephant gift exchange and ended up with a sweatshirt with Maxine from Shoebox greetings that says "If I act merry, please slap me" I love it!! Still wear it.
    Having small children helps get rid of some of those hideous figurine gifts "Sorry, little Mr. Scorched Earth broke that beautiful "fill in the blank" don't blame me! :)

  13. My XL husband received a pair of Size 6 women's jeggings for Christmas at his office white elephant exchange.




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