(Completely Imaginary) Celebrity Advice Column #1

Dear Kate and Lydia,

My wife and I are having a hard time. We really want to stay together but a couple of weeks ago I accidently held a switchblade to her throat. I want to be good. I want to make it work. I want to convince the judge that I am not a threat to society. What can I do to convince my wife, the justice system, CBS/Viacom, and the paparazzi that I am not a potentially dangerous, irredeemably corrupted douchebag but instead a likeable, handsome family man with just a soupcon of artistic temperment? Also, I am currently incarcerated so please factor that into your thought process.

Cheers!
-Anonymous
Aspen, Colorado

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Dear Anonymous,

You and your wife, Brooke Mueller really are in a bind. In the future, it is never advisable to pull a knife on your spouse. If you do it again, you may learn the meaning of the phrase "don't bring a knife to a gun fight". Provided your wife is not an idiot. Though given the fact that she married you in spite of the whole Heidi Fleiss/Divorced from last wife as spent tens of thousands of dollars on internet porn and gambling, she might be.

Regarding your specific request, have you contacted Robert Downey, Jr.? There's a dude who can (in the immortal words of Tim Gunn) make it work. However, he is talented. May we also suggest -- being fans of your show -- that you cease behaving like, well, YOU, and start behaving more like Charlie Harper. You know, a mysogynistic, commitment-phobic, self-indulgent man whore? Really, that seems like a more successful venue for you. In the words of your TV mom, "God, Charlie, you're such a narcissist."

Plus, how great is that...you get to be exactly what we see on TV, and your fans love you. Trying to be a stand-up, committed, faithful guy just winds up making you look like an ass. Most men would kill for this arrangement. Funny how when you try to be like most men, both your wives want you dead.

As a side note, we do think the writers may have been going for both laughs AND for your own self-reflection. But, as it seems, you really do just use a mirror to check your hair, don't you?

Good luck and please stop procreating.

xo, Lydia and Kate
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Dear Kate and Lydia,

I just love your blog! I also have a blog. Its about my lifestyle and how others can be more... like me. I have read a few of your posts. Actually, one of my assistants did and told me about it. It seems like you're proud of your imperfections and countless flaws. Like you're not ready to aspire to be better. To be more... comme moi. I think you both have potential and could really benefit from my musings. You should really read my blog.

Regards,
Gwyneth Paltrow
London, England
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Dear Gwyneth,

You may be our favorite "celebrity" and we really appreciate your advising us on how to cook, clean, decorate and parent. We know that we've snarked on you before and but please know that we sort of love you. Because there you are, all smug and perfect, seemingly unaware of what an ass you are coming across as.

We've seen your blog. And we are sorry to tell you that you sort of need our advice. The tag line of your blog is "Nourish the Inner Aspect". Nourish the Inner Aspect? Really? What the hell are you even talking about? May we suggest you simply nourish your ass with something wholesome, like a nice grilled cheese sandwich. As for your inner aspect, honey, that's your private and personal business and you need to keep it that way.

Here's what you should really have on your blog if you wants to help people attain your lifestyle:

Step one: consider more than one nanny per kid.

Step two: remove pesky need to do own laundry and scrub own toilets and pick up dog turds in the back yard.
Step three: Have nearly unlimited financial resources and no coupon requirements and weekly grocery budget of $783 dollars. And Mario Batali on speed dial.

Step four: Obtain beach house (legally) and decorate it in shades of white on white. Require children to be power-washed before entering and then to wear bio-hazard level 4 safety suits and also mittens, so as not to stain furniture.

Step five: Send adorable, British husband on world tour with the children.

Step six: Nourish Inner Aspect.

Good luck. And you're not perfect, mommy. And you should really read our blog. We're currently nourishing the dimples in our thighs, drinking Three Buck Chuck, and [ugh...trying to] watch "View From the Top." Wow, you have an Oscar. Well, obviously not for this. But you have one...odd.

xo, Lydia and Kate

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