Thursday, January 14, 2010

(Completely Imaginary) Celebrity Advice Column #2

Dear Kate and Lydia,

I heard recently that you don't like me. That's so strange because most women love me. I thought I'd write to you personally and let you know I'm actually pretty cool. Ladies, I'm a parent - we have that in common. I have three kids (with two different women), including a little girl who was just born a few weeks ago. Also, I just got engaged to a third woman (not the one who just had the baby - what's her name again?). So, go on - congratulate me!

Unlike you, my new (smokin' hot) fiancee doesn't seem to mind that I left my wife with two small kids and then just last year dumped my girlfriend after I got her pregnant. You know that I have a pretty important job, right? One that makes me like - super attractive to hot chicks. I'm a bureaucrat. I also have wicked cool hair that never moves and I'm really good at math and I have a speaking voice that sounds like my nickname should be "Nerdy Smurf". And as far as the ladies are concerned, I get more action than Tiger Woods. How sweet is that?

So... I actually don't need any advice and I don't care what you (or John Stewart) think of me. I'm just writing you to tell you that I'm awesome. Peace out, bitches. Because while you stupids are ranting I'm getting all the punjana one man can stand and running our nation's economic recovery like the pimp I am.


Peter Orszag
Washington, DC


Dear Mr. Orszag,

It's not that we don't like you. We just don't get it. We do understand that your job is important and that many women, unfathomably, think you're awesome. We think maybe you have a hidden super power that makes hot women want to have sex with you. We wonder, do your eyes glow red as you hand them a cosmo and then suddenly they say robotically: "I just love econometrics and Toby Keith music. Also, I find ambiguously gay Sesame Street characters incredibly attractive. Let's go back to my place."

We strongly encourage you to use these powers for good and not evil. We're sticking with this whole 'powers' theory because the (somewhat more plausible) alternative is that you are a d-bag with too many roofies and no qualms about using them. However, not wanting to do anything to compromise our nation's economic turn-around we will wait until January 2013 to introduce you to Bad Mommy.


Lydia & Kate


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