Friday, January 15, 2010

Get Me Outta This Temple

Your body's a temple, right? That's the justification "they" use for not drinking, not smoking, exercising, all that crap...

If that's the case, my body has now become a condemned building. No Taj Mahal here, unless it's the crypt for my boobs.

When the hell did this happen? Last time I checked I was pretty fierce. Today, I actually have to rely on my shoes to make me look -- not pathetic. Because no one can roll their eyes at you when you're wearing Manolo Blahnik's. Because it's a law. Punishable by having the very pointy tip jammed in their very roll-y eye.

I blame my weekend trip to Victoria's Secret. A place once beloved. With all the pink (yes!) and lace (Yes!) and things that hook and clasp (YES!) and have all the fortitude and substance of a Kleenex (even YESSER!)

A place that sets out as its goal to make your boobs look good. I loved that place. Their bras did great things to my boobs. McLovin referred to them as Shock and Awe.

Now it's the Temple of Doom. They changed the mirrors in there or something. You know how you can have bifocals but it's impossible to tell? [how old AM I?] Well, it seems Victoria's new Secret is that they have impossible-to-tell circus mirrors. And now I look like hell in everything.

Did I know this before I went? Nope. But I should have suspected something when McLovin and I walked in and were greeted by a 14-year old wearing one of the new push-up bras. Not because she told us, mind you. But because she was utilizing her skin as a shirt. And it wasn't offensive. At all.

It only got more suspicious when McLovin, rather than taking up residency in those big fluffy chairs outside the dressing room said, "I'm going to go see what's at Hammacher Schlemmer." I guess that chair is only for King of the Single Men. Or, maybe he knew something...

I just needed new bras. I thought this was simple. Uhhh, no. After three kids, bra sizes ranging from a 32B to a 36DDD, I figured I'd finally settled down to THE size. I'm an idiot.

But I've learned something here girls. A little piece of wisdom that, while tempted to keep to myself, I feel that, in the spirit of MommyLand, must be shared. Meteorologists have it right. Ranges are equally as good as, if not preferable to, actual figures. So what if they said 4 inches of snow and we get 6? Snow is snow. They say things like, "We're expecting that we'll get between 4 and 8 inches of snow over the next 12 to 24 hours." And we're all FINE with that. That means I can say I'm somewhere between 33 and 66 years old, weighing between 120 and 240 pounds and ranging in height from 5 foot 2 to 10 foot 4. I think we should all be satisfied with those parameters.

Three salesteens, nine sizes and 26 bras later, I left. There is only so much mirror-gazing and girls looking at my boobs and that horror-induced eye aversion that happened when the bra was just wrong that I could handle. At one point in my life, with the wrong bra on, Shock -- or Awe -- could have been in danger of popping out. Now, there's no popping. That requires elasticity, firmness and defying of gravity. Now, God help me, instead of a pop, or slip, or even a oop (you know, a partial oops, a little oop) now it's just a slow ooze. And I look down in horror, silently accusing my bra of complete and utter insubordination. And my bra does the equivalent of shrugging its shoulders and says, "What?! You? Victoria's Secret? Maybe you should consider the Women's Department at Sears."

McLovin wanted a fashion show when we got home. He still calls them Shock and Awe. But now I'm wondering if what I heard was *gasp* Shock! and Awwwww.

It's OK. If I put on my highest heels, I'm 10-foot 10 and weigh 67 pounds. And that, my friends, is one hell of a temple, even if I do hear the wrecking balls coming. They better aim high.

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  1. *wipes tear from eye* ROFL, that was great. I really need to stop reading your blogs at work, my giggling always proves that I am not actually working...

  2. Word of advice. Dump VC. Go to a good, old fashioned brassiere shop where old ladies hoist and lock the Ladies into place. You will get a damn good bra, that FITS. It will not look like something VC models wear and will likely cost two or three times what VC bras cost, but it will make your Girls go back to where they once were. Trust me, sister...been there.

    1. I wholeheartedly agree with Kristen!!! Do NOT go to any "regular" place to get bras. After I had my daughter I went to get sized for a nursing bra (all the ones I found at BRU were too small) and found out I was NOT a 40 DD but a 34 F!!!! It is near impossible to find F/DDD in stores. Three months later I was up to a G cup. Dragged my friends there and they ALL found out they had been wearing the wrong size bra. After this experience I think the majority of women are wearing the wrong size. Most of what we need are not even made by major retailers. They always assume smaller chest band means smaller cup, but it's typically opposite.

  3. Kristen,
    Can I send you the Boobs Akimbo T-shirt?? If your bra can withstand the gravitational pull of that shirt, it must be the most awesomest bra in the history of ever.
    xoxo Kate

  4. I second the ranges, especially for weight. I got told by a amazonian woman who is 5 months pregnant that she lost weight and is now 175 lbs. Could I tell? Well kinda--that she's flat out lying! So I went and told her "OMG "I'M" 175 lbs!"

  5. is the best place to order a bra from. They even try to help you avoid the perils of online clothes shopping by answering your e-mails on which bra is best for you body type. Particularly if you have post-kid saggy bags!

  6. Having had 4 babies, I so miss having perky beautiful boobies. A good bra or surgery seem to be your only real options.

  7. Try getting a belly dance costume to fit right. :/ I'm having flashbacks to when I played Frenchie in high school, and the drama director kept telling me I needed more stuffing and eyeing my chest in an exasperated, offensively-large-bosom-heaving way (oh, SHE had NO lack in that department). I'm beginning to understand why women might prefer to wear burkas.

    I second the recommendation of higher-end bras over stupid VS. Even there it can be difficult to find The One, but when you do, it sure as hell will last longer than the first two washes (my VS ones always developed odd bulges and creases). I recommend Wacoal, whose name I can't pronounce, but if I could, they'd get a special place in my thank-you prayers every night.

  8. Kristen is SO right! And...being a few *ahem* years older than you, I can attest that the girls continue their all-out revolt against gravity.
    VC blows for bras once you a) have a child b) dare to age beyond 32 c) have the unmitigated audacity to do both *gasp!*
    Nordstrom is The Bestest Shopping Place on Earth. Real bras, real clothes, real salespeople who fall over themselves to assist you...and, did I mention they carry an amazing array of shoes?




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