Tuesday, December 28, 2010

MommyLand Rewind: Lydia's Christmas Vacation

Originally, I made notes on my holiday misadventures experiences.  I thought perhaps they could be woven together into something writers call a "narrative". Apparently, I am not a writer. I am a blogger. So, here's the list.

1) Note to self for next Christmas: Always buy more presents than you think you will need for the Cap'n. His wish list always resembles that of a starving orphan. Oliver Twist would ask for more. If he asks for socks and a book in November, remember that every year something happens after you put up the tree that turns him from Scrooge McDuck into Clark Griswold (singing carols, jolliness, festive holiday sweaters, urgent need for "perfect family Christmas", cat chewing on tree lights, it's all there). For someone who hates to part with money he gets really generous and you will feel like a jerk AGAIN when he buys you jewelry and you buy him shoelaces (something on Master Twist's list this year). It will be your 15th Christmas together, Self, get it right. Just think what Clark Griswold would want and buy that. Remember next Thanksgiving to order Doris Day Christmas DVD and start calling him "Sparky".

2) Never, ever again buy a product called Baby Alive. It is a horrific, large-headed baby doll that speaks, eats nasty food (but only ghastly Baby Alive brand food), drinks from a bottle and then defecates into a diaper. Diapers are sold separately and are approximately $48 a piece. "I know that your new Baby Alive doll is your absolute favorite, sweetie, and that she can eat and drink but I'm sorry to tell you that you may not feed her or give her a bottle because we can't afford to buy her more diapers and her poo is actually toxic waste that not only stains but sets fire to any fabric it touches (other than Baby Alive brand diapers)". The doll is hideous and vile. And also extremely frightening when seen out of the corner of your eye at 4am.

3) A $20 gift card to Starbucks is a very generous gift. But I can spend it in about 12 seconds. [Just ask Kate]

4) I understand that it is possible to earn a living as a professional gamer. As in video games. Is this possible if you are only really good at one game and that game is Wii bowling? After initially sustaining what I believe to be a rotater cuff injury, I have become pretty badass at it. It can now be counted as one of my skills.

5) Do you know what is the most delicious treat in the entire history of the EARTH? Beef jerky. I had no idea. Where have you been, beef jerky? How could I have missed you? Is it because I always pay at the pump and have not been inside a gas station in years? I love you beef jerky, so very, very much. Friends, I am not even kidding. I could eat it all day long. I could eat it and sing a song.

6) Never, ever go to the mall the day after Christmas. Even if your daughter's best friend from her class is having a birthday party at Build-a-Bear and said daughter claims she will never be happy, ever again if she is not allowed to go. Also, if you decide to return your husband's dress shirts at Macy's, try not to leave the receipt for them on the table in the hall next to your gloves, or you may lose your schmidt just a little when you don't discover this fact until you get to the front of the line after waiting for 25 minutes. And also, because Thumbelina and her new pink bear do not need to hear the f-word this close to Christmas.

7) When on a road trip, don’t eat breakfast at a diner in New Jersey that is clearly not meeting health code. Though you and the kids were fine, your husband’s flatulence would be something that everyone would have to suffer through for the duration of the trip. When even the four year old starts to call it “the hot, fetid trail of monkey sausage”, you know it’s bad.

8) When driving to your Grandmother's house, where she has lived for the past 60 years, through a somewhat transitional area of a rusted, depressed and aging industrial city, when you're supposed to be navigating for your husband (who is driving), do NOT text Kate fifteen times while giggling, because the Cap'n may something like: "Would you please stop texting and cackling like a hyena and start giving me directions until we are out of the neighborhood where they stab you in the neck?" Stupid Cap'n. Hang a right at the methadone clinic after the wig shop. It's not like you haven't been here before. Sheesh. And settle down, I know it looks like that man is waving a gun but really, he's just directing traffic. Calm down. Ooh! Is that a text?!

9) It is not a good idea to eat 4 candy canes in 15 minutes because you are bored in the car. In addition to feeling like you are about to gromit no one will be sympathetic to your plight.

10) Note to self for future trips: put the gifts your children received from their Great Grandmother in the back of then van and do not allow them to play with them on the 4 hour drive home or you will want to shoot yourself in the face. Who gives a 6 year old a bottle of perfume??

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(c)Herding Turtles, Inc. - 2009

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