Tuesday, December 28, 2010

MommyLand Rewind: Lydia's Christmas Vacation

Originally, I made notes on my holiday misadventures experiences.  I thought perhaps they could be woven together into something writers call a "narrative". Apparently, I am not a writer. I am a blogger. So, here's the list.

1) Note to self for next Christmas: Always buy more presents than you think you will need for the Cap'n. His wish list always resembles that of a starving orphan. Oliver Twist would ask for more. If he asks for socks and a book in November, remember that every year something happens after you put up the tree that turns him from Scrooge McDuck into Clark Griswold (singing carols, jolliness, festive holiday sweaters, urgent need for "perfect family Christmas", cat chewing on tree lights, it's all there). For someone who hates to part with money he gets really generous and you will feel like a jerk AGAIN when he buys you jewelry and you buy him shoelaces (something on Master Twist's list this year). It will be your 15th Christmas together, Self, get it right. Just think what Clark Griswold would want and buy that. Remember next Thanksgiving to order Doris Day Christmas DVD and start calling him "Sparky".

2) Never, ever again buy a product called Baby Alive. It is a horrific, large-headed baby doll that speaks, eats nasty food (but only ghastly Baby Alive brand food), drinks from a bottle and then defecates into a diaper. Diapers are sold separately and are approximately $48 a piece. "I know that your new Baby Alive doll is your absolute favorite, sweetie, and that she can eat and drink but I'm sorry to tell you that you may not feed her or give her a bottle because we can't afford to buy her more diapers and her poo is actually toxic waste that not only stains but sets fire to any fabric it touches (other than Baby Alive brand diapers)". The doll is hideous and vile. And also extremely frightening when seen out of the corner of your eye at 4am.

3) A $20 gift card to Starbucks is a very generous gift. But I can spend it in about 12 seconds. [Just ask Kate]

4) I understand that it is possible to earn a living as a professional gamer. As in video games. Is this possible if you are only really good at one game and that game is Wii bowling? After initially sustaining what I believe to be a rotater cuff injury, I have become pretty badass at it. It can now be counted as one of my skills.

5) Do you know what is the most delicious treat in the entire history of the EARTH? Beef jerky. I had no idea. Where have you been, beef jerky? How could I have missed you? Is it because I always pay at the pump and have not been inside a gas station in years? I love you beef jerky, so very, very much. Friends, I am not even kidding. I could eat it all day long. I could eat it and sing a song.

6) Never, ever go to the mall the day after Christmas. Even if your daughter's best friend from her class is having a birthday party at Build-a-Bear and said daughter claims she will never be happy, ever again if she is not allowed to go. Also, if you decide to return your husband's dress shirts at Macy's, try not to leave the receipt for them on the table in the hall next to your gloves, or you may lose your schmidt just a little when you don't discover this fact until you get to the front of the line after waiting for 25 minutes. And also, because Thumbelina and her new pink bear do not need to hear the f-word this close to Christmas.

7) When on a road trip, don’t eat breakfast at a diner in New Jersey that is clearly not meeting health code. Though you and the kids were fine, your husband’s flatulence would be something that everyone would have to suffer through for the duration of the trip. When even the four year old starts to call it “the hot, fetid trail of monkey sausage”, you know it’s bad.

8) When driving to your Grandmother's house, where she has lived for the past 60 years, through a somewhat transitional area of a rusted, depressed and aging industrial city, when you're supposed to be navigating for your husband (who is driving), do NOT text Kate fifteen times while giggling, because the Cap'n may something like: "Would you please stop texting and cackling like a hyena and start giving me directions until we are out of the neighborhood where they stab you in the neck?" Stupid Cap'n. Hang a right at the methadone clinic after the wig shop. It's not like you haven't been here before. Sheesh. And settle down, I know it looks like that man is waving a gun but really, he's just directing traffic. Calm down. Ooh! Is that a text?!

9) It is not a good idea to eat 4 candy canes in 15 minutes because you are bored in the car. In addition to feeling like you are about to gromit no one will be sympathetic to your plight.

10) Note to self for future trips: put the gifts your children received from their Great Grandmother in the back of then van and do not allow them to play with them on the 4 hour drive home or you will want to shoot yourself in the face. Who gives a 6 year old a bottle of perfume??

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(c)Herding Turtles, Inc. - 2009

11 comments:

  1. Oh, I laughed and laughed. Until I came to the part about the used harmonica. Then I gagged. I had to come back later to read the rest. Then I laughed and laughed again.

    Wishing you a good 2010!

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  2. Oh lord. JonBenet starter kit. That is awesome! LMFAO!!

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  3. We begin with Uncle Richard says that if it was the methadone clinic on Perry street it was where he used to work. He used to go to that lovely neighborhood at 6 am to open the clinic.

    Rachel will be so jealous she didn't get the pink lipstick. David says he didn't leave any of his harmonicas, so it probably was Uncle Richard's from 50 years ago. Those germs are long dead.

    Maybe I should pack the dogs up and go visit. Doesn't sound like she missed us at all.

    Aunt Mary

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  4. OMG, my grandma bought a Baby Alive doll for my daughter for Christmas....that thing is evil! It will be on the floor, no one within 20 feet of it, and it will start talking. I threw away the "food" and never let my daughter know she could give it real water (she's 3). The batteries on it are currently dying...I have no plans to replace them. Also, my cat likes to molest it's hands and feet. She rubs her face all over it, then proceeds to roll around on top of it for like 20 minutes. (She also molests My Little Pony)

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  5. As for the Baby Alive, my 3yo has two. I never let her have the food and I do let her use water, but I give her newborn sized diapers (left over from her little brother growing out of them), thinking premie size might be better...anyhow, they can be reused over and over until they gross me out from all of the dog hair and dirt. In which case, I pull a new one out of the package I keep hidden. Cheaper than the actual Baby Alive diapers!

    Btw- you two are awesome. Thanks for all of the laughs!

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  6. yup on the baby Alive - we use the preemie diapers from Toys R Us 8.50 for like 20 vs 5.98 for a 4 pk of the baby alive ones - the baby food is kept in "mommy's secret drawer" and very rarely used - alot of times we just sit the stupid doll on her little potty and feed her without the diaper! ewwwww but dd loves it.

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  7. Glad to hear I'm not the only one married to a Clark Griswold. Wouldn't you know this year I got it together and thought I was going to out do him with his gift by getting him a new driver AND circle saw with saw horses in addition to the complete series of his favorite show...and he goes out and gets me an iPhone. Sigh. And of course he was all cranky about how much Christmas was costing this year, too.

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  8. Not to love on baby alive when everybody else is hating on her, but my little girl got a very reasonable version of this doll (thank God, apparently!) from her grandmother this year. No diapers, no bodily "waste," no demands. You simply put attached bottle to her lips and she makes drinking sounds. Take the bottle away, and she coos and bah bahs at you. To hear my little girl giggle and mimic this cute little thing is just priceless! Thanks to you all, though, I have no plans to graduate to the next level of baby alive, thank you very much :-). Happy New Year, Mommyland-ers! Thanks to Kate and Lydia for the great posts!

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  9. HAHAHAAAAAA. My daughter got one of those too, but this thing-I swear this is true-only bounces up and down. And the best part is, it only worked for a day and now we can't get it to even bounce and coo anymore.
    Also, I let my husband buy a kegorator and he now brews his own beer. Needless to say, I don't buy him presents anymore, he is set for LIFE.

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  10. The Jon Benet starter kit reminded me of a yard sale I had; we stuck a bunch of cans of spray paint, masking tape and paint thinner in a box labeled Graffiti Starter kit and tried to sell it for $5. we almost peed our pants laughing about it!

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