Monday, January 18, 2010

MommyLand Desk Reference

It has come to our attention that we have a lot "mommy-speak" in our posts. We thought we would define some of our terms for those of you who wonder: What the hell is 'Turtle Herding'?? Who is McLovin?? Why do they keep referring to 'Indoor Homeless People' and 'The Blur'?

So we put them all down in a list. It's kind of like the Physician's Desk Reference...oh who are we kidding? It's nothing like the PDR IV (or whatever number they're on) but we like to think we're smart and funny, rather than being actually smart and a hundred grand in debt from medical school. It's the Mommyland Desk Reference - the MDR. All you need to know about MommyLand. And now that we've done it we have to say that, en masse, it yields a rather peculiar and amusing look at the lives of Kate and Lydia.

Some technical details. It's in alphabetical order - which makes it extra random, but much easier to find something if you're looking for it. We have linked terms to past posts so you can read more about them or see where they originated. Some terms, like "Wine" are so ubiquitous that no linking is possible. Other phrases we may not have used in a post but are part of how we talk to each other - so they're in there, too. We will be updating this all the time and if you want us to add more to this list, leave us a comment!

So, here you go, Mommies, enjoy and use these terms as if they were your own, because they are:

Afghanistence: hybrid of Afghanistan and abstinence. The type of birth control used by military mommies during their husband's deployment

Anticipointment: (noun) see also anticipoint or anticipointed; hybrid of anticipation and disappointment; feeling moms have on days that are important to them, i.e. their birthday or Mother’s Day, when everything goes to Schmidt and we wind up drinking even earlier than usual; grand moments of anticipointment usually occur when presented with lemon raisin oatmeal for your breakfast in bed at 5:22am, and later find that your kitchen looks like Chernobyl.

Aunt Mary: Lydia's Aunt who lives in North Carolina, makes beautiful quilts and writes completely awesome comments in the third person.  Kate fell so deeply in love with Aunt Mary that she decided that her name should become a descriptive term.  When something is fantabulous, slightly whacktastic and totally unexpected it is soooo Aunt Mary. 

Black Panther Moments: When someone is acting all smart and superior and then says or does something really stupid and embarrassing. Like the time Lydia's teenager sister decided she was the political voice of a generation and then confused an influential group of 1960's Black Militants with some large jungle cats. It is not only acceptable, but advisable, to mock those who have had just had a Black Panther moment.

The Blur: the time in your life while you are parenting children. Symptoms are consistent with other dementia disorders; forgetfulness, disorientation, sleeplessness, forgetfulness, exhaustion, snappishness. Blur-induced stupidity is commonly occurring and profound. Hopefully, the effects of The Blur diminish over time. Term coined by Lydia's father.

Boobs Akimbo: condition whereby the "twins" -- rather than appearing to be a complimentary pairing -- venture off to their respective locations on your chest. May be caused by whacktacular t-shirt, unsupportive bras, or -- the worst -- just bad, bad Boobs Akimbo Syndrome, of which there is no known cure.

BWT (Big White Tampon): Lydia's hideous (usually filthy) mini-van. Bought from a Ford dealer (though it looks as though its prior owner could have been either a Korean church or a high-end plumbing company). Has unique aroma of wine cellars. We attribute it to the ongoing fermentation of lost juice boxes. Carpet has been replaced by ground-in goldfish and fruit snacks. Sticky, yet crunchy. And, lickable, should we ever be trapped in a blizzard. Because no one is ever going to come looking for this damn thing. [Also, in a blizzard it would be camouflaged! Clever van!]

Car Payment Hair: The kind of hair that looks amazing but is the equivalent of a car payment (every six weeks) to maintain. Kate is strongly in favor of car payment hair (provided you never cheat on your colorist). Lydia is strongly opposed, as she calculated the annual "Hair" line item in her budget and then realized she would have to get divorced.

Captain Coupon: Lydia's husband, also known as the Cap'n. His Scottish ancestry has resulted in a Scrooge McDuck-like tendency to compulsively save money at every opportunity. Don't even try going to go to Target and buying toilet paper without a coupon. And, he wants proof. Tall, handsome, hilarious, brilliant and also prematurely grey-haired, though that has nothing at all to do with Lydia.

Clandes-wine (noun) variations: clandes-tini, clandes-garita; liquid placed into travel coffee mug, big gulp cup, or even sippy cup to prepare for prolonged and slightly painful events; examples include: 3rd grade violin concert (tonight), 3 hour bus trip each way with fifth graders, 3rd showing of same 2 hour dance recital in one day, anytime you have to watch a t-ball game

Dadtox: State your kids are in when they return to the mommy gulag real world of rules and schedules after being on Daddy time. (verb form: "dadtoxing"). Can also apply to the state of your house, for example: "The kitchen was clean when I left for book club. Three hours later and it's in dadtox and needs to be hosed down with a power-washer."

DFB (Drunk Facebooking): Don't do it! But if you do succumb, try to just read other people's posts rather than write your own.  Also, if you become the victim of DFB, we know just what you should do.
Even Yesser: superlative of agreement. Typically follows the question, "would you like a T-Box?"

Eye Slammy: (noun) Condition upon, when smelling something so horribly offensive -- i.e. the bathroom after the boys have been in there, or twenty-seven sprays of the *lovely* eu de parfum from McGee's Trampy Teenager Starter Kit -- causes one's eyes to slam shut until 1) the odor dissipates; or 2) you manage to blindly stumble out of the room and into a place that doesn't assault one's olfactory senses. Like a morgue. In August. With no air conditioning.

Eyegasm: (noun) condition that arises upon, when rubbing tired eyes, one continues the activity simply because it feels good; may be accompanied by random sounds; usually results in slight flushing around the ocular area but a satisfied smile; distant, distant relative to other –gasms, but really, who has time for that anymore?

Faux Queue: (noun) the line at the supermarket or neighborhood Target that you think is the fastest but which, as soon as you join it, immediately becomes the slowest checkout line in the history of ever. As with many other MDR words, it also (just barely) conforms to the anti-cursing parameter. Which makes it even more awesome when Lydia says it to Kate while at Target.

Fuggernaut: (noun) hybrid of juggernaut f**k-up; occurs when taking multiple kids to a Chuck E. Cheese on a Saturday. Without a back-up adult. Or booze.

The Fear: irrational, all-consuming anxiety that something awful may happen to the little terror suspects (or their father). Sex offenders, drunk drivers, and enemy combatants among those who inspire The Fear. Results in statements like; "No you may NOT walk to the mailbox without a grown-up. I don't care if you are in High School." The Fear strikes Daddies and Mommies in equal measure.

Furdistan:  (noun) All purpose replacement name for any object who's actual name has become suddenly unknown. Forgetting the names of things is common among mommies due to The Blur.  Most effective with a Larry the Cable Guy accent, and when replacing a word much easier to remember than Furdistan. Say, a spoon.

The Guilt: what hits your gut immediately after yelling at your child to PUT ON YOUR SHOES (for the sixth time), or after you get annoyed that your youngest is teething and you will not sleep for the next week and/or after you click on the TV so you can Facebook without your kids bugging you.

Happy: aka Happy Camper. Kate's 3-year old son. Super cute wee man. Has a thing for cows.

Hawk: Lydia's 4 year old son. Loves Star Wars and wearing his tuxedo. Ridiculously cute, always surprising. Has knack for saying slightly inappropriate things and also rocking mad fashion.

Hittin' the Sippy (descriptive verb) This implies that someone is drinking.  For little kids, it may describe that much needed bottle of milk to take the edge off a long afternoon at the playground. "He was close to having a tantrum, but I turned on Noggin and let him hit the sippy and now he's fine."  For mommy, it probably alludes to the fact that she is not drinking water out of that sports bottle. "The swim meet was awful. 100 degrees out and it went until 10pm.  But I was hittin' the sippy by the baby pool so I managed."

Indoor Homeless People: pet name for Kate's washed, brushed, rich, satiated children AKA the small people who have no jobs and beg you for everything, but do it inside your house. Many variations of IHP are possible based on your circumstances (outside, deaf, etc).

Jackhole: hybrid of Jackass and a$$hole. Sounds terrible (so is still satisfying to holler at BMWs who won't let you merge) but as is not technically a curse word, can still be hollered in front of the children.

Lefty: Kate's 6 year old son. So named because of his reference in public, with witnesses, to his left testicle trying to cross over to the dark side. Also, Darth Lefty.

Little Terror Suspects: pet name for Lydia's adorable, quiet, obedient children. Term coined by the Cap'n.

The Long Hug: You get it from your husband. If there is any chance of the long hug reaching its desired conclusion, it had better come with a bottle of wine. Conversely, if you bestow one on your husband, wine is the last thing on his mind. If you deliver a long hug and it is followed by the Three Tap Shoulder Pat, go find the latest copy of UsWeekly and get a glass of wine. There's obviously a game on.

The Look: loosely defined as "please do what you were about to do, now that I am actively watching you." Also known as the Silent Dare. Highly effective in warding off unacceptable behavior, particularly in public settings.

Man Cold: It's not just a cold, Stupid Mommy, it's a Man Cold.

Maude Face: Giving someone the Maude face is the equivalent of saying: "You must be out your damn mind." Patron Saint of MommyLand.

McGee: Kate's 10-year old daughter. Greatest desire is to have boobs. Big boobs. So named by McLovin, who loves quoting "Anchorman" as often as possible. For the uninitiated, here you go.

McLovin: (Also known as the Second Darrin.) Kate's husband. Self-named after seeing "SuperBad." Still occasionally imagines himself to be a bachelor, then wonders why all these people live in his house. Thankfully went grey in his 20s to spare himself the shock of greying IMMEDIATELY after meeting Kate. Adores the children but doesn't understand their inability to go to sleep, particularly when blessed with ability to start snoring mid-sentence. Not a sentence he's listening to, rather one he's speaking.

Milking The Bag: (descriptive verb) the act of – as you near the end of a T-Box -- removing the inner line out of its T-Boxity shell and proceed to squeeze or “milk” it to get out every last drop of Targetty deliciousness. Particularly effective when watching a True Blood marathon. We’re just sayin’.

Mini-Mini-Me: Lydia's baby daughter (age 1). So named by Kate as older daughter is a mini-me of Lydia and baby is mini-me of her sister. Hence, Mini-mini-me.

Mini-Surrender: mitigating factors that may save one from The Surrender, i.e. wearing lipstick even if your hair is a disaster and you're in yesterday's clothes. Only effective if true effort is evidenced, not merely leftover dregs from the night before. That would constitute an Even Yesser Surrender, which is way, way worse.
Mmm-Beh: hybrid of yes and goodbye. Inspired by Eric Cartman. What Lydia says just before she hangs up the phone. Distant cousin to "Mmm-kay".

Moctorate: (noun) hybrid of mom and doctorate. A degree where you correctly diagnose your child's condition before the weekend Doc-in-a-Box, but you still have to sit in the waiting & exam rooms to get the prescription for antibiotics. Super.

Mommy Sick Day: also see Unicorns. Legends persist but actual existence of such has yet to be verified. also see Girl's Night Out.

Moo Wedgie: acronym for Mommies Who Just Don't Get It; therefore, making life much harder for the rest of us. There are ten different species of Moo Wedgies, though, sadly, we encounter a new genus of the species all the time. However, we will concede that, on occasion, we have displayed the various snitchy behaviors. Temporarily. 

Mortgage Payment Shoes: The type of footwear that is both naughty and amazingly gravity defying but is the equivalent of a monthly house payment. Kate is, unsurprisingly, strongly in favor of mortgage payment shoes and refers to them by their names (Choo, Christian, etc.). Lydia is intrigued yet defiant, evidenced by her particular choice of "footwear" i.e. Clogs. Represents the continuing battle in MommyLand.

MOS (Mom of Single): as in a single kid, an only child.  MOS's are often subject to ridiculous and innapropriate comments from MOM's (Mom of Multiple kids - not necassarily twins or octoplets or whatever) who do not respect the MOS's choice to stick to one kid.

PajamaJeans: Casual awesomeness that Kate strongly dissaproves of.  Looks like jeans - feels like pajamas.  A suitable alternative to Lydia's oft-worn yoga pants. 

Pirate Monkey: descriptive term derived from Smelly Pirate Hooker. If you are balls-out crazy and come from Whore Island - but are not actually whorish in nature - you may be a Pirate Monkey. If you are English and the meet that description, you are probably a Cheeky Pirate Monkey. If you are Lydia, and you have just told Kate to suck it suck it suck it, you are a Smelly Pirate Monkey With Yesterday's Hair.

(Play)Dating: Relationship between two moms who 1) are not really friends; 2) only time they see each other is on play-dates; 3) only time they talk or email is when arranging play-dates. However, they a) really like each other, b) kids get along like gang-busters; and c) get together every couple of weeks.  Realization is typically: "oh my gosh. I totally have a girlfriend."

Prison Bus: (noun) What your van becomes when the kids are all jacked up and you are forced to turn around and scream things at them like: "Get yer butts in yer carseats before I come back there and start knocking skulls!" or "You people better stop making so much noise or as soon as we get home I will put you in your room and lock the door and throw the key down the well!" (submitted by

Professional: As in, we are a very "professional family". An adjective used completely out of context with a great degree of frequency, by Lydia's 6 year old daughter. Just a side note, she also calls General Tso's Chicken (her favorite) - Professional Chicken.

Protesticles (verb) The act of protecting one's testicles from imminent attack.  Alternately, when one's testicles protest having been squared up on.

Punjana: the Cap'n's preferred brand of tea. Not gross, just sounds like it.

The Rage: the urge to commit justifiable homicide stemming from crap that is inflicted upon you. Much time and effort is spent trying to subdue and compartmentalize The Rage so as not to be guilty of assault. If half said effort were dedicated towards prevention by primary culprits, the term would cease to exist. The Rage is epitomized by an imaginary hatchet (shown, left). Lydia keeps her imaginary hatchet in the way, way back of the BWT.

Schmidt: what one loses right before The Rage strikes.

Season One: Kate's first husband. Also known as the First Darrin.
Fans of "Bewitched" will remember that Dick York was replaced by Dick Sargeant with no explanation, and that EVERYTHING else about the show stayed precisely the same. That pretty much explains Kate's life.

Serftern: Mommyland needs an intern in a big way. Because there are stupid technical things about the internet (like HTML code - that doesn't even sound real). But we also would like it if this person would fetch us Venti Caramel Ralph Macchios. And perhaps, on occasion, fold some laundry. And we would pay this person the same comprehensive and generous salary/benefits package that we receive as stay at home moms (that would be nothing). So, technically that would make make us the (imaginary) intern's feudal lords. Is that so wrong?

Snitches: polite, non-soapy-mouth version of snarking on people who are tricky in a bad way. Often refers to our kids. For example: "Those little snitches stole and ate an entire box of my Samoas!"

Spamich: (noun) The language that Lydia's son claims to be fluent in, when in fact he is just rolling his R's and making up sounds that he may or may not have heard on Dora the Murthurfurkin Explorer. Lydia's children also claim to be fluent in French (thank you, Fancy Nancy) and Chinese (suck it, Ni Hao Kai Lan). When the little terror suspects start babbling away in any of these languages, we just call it Spamich.

Strack: mysterious, unidentifiable detritus found in between the cushions and under the seats of the car. Usually comprised of juice boxes, fruit snacks, goldfish, spilled milk, McDonald's French Fries, Cheerios, melted M&Ms and discarded half-eaten lollipops. Best strategy for strack removal? Buy a new car.

Suck It Fancy: unofficial motto of MommyLand. Most effectively used to bring snooty, snotty snitches down to their proper place. Typically precedes Squaring Up
Superhero Shuffle: condition arising where upon male species drags feet laboriously throughout house, donning blanket obtained from sofa over his shoulders, and piteously asking the whereabouts of items that have never been in his house, i.e. Red Gatorade.

The Surrender: When you cease being a hot mama and just become "MOOOOOMMMMM!". When you realize you haven't worn heels or mascara in months but your black yoga pants are seeing action every day and you don't really care... When you leave the house looking like the people you used to make fun of but you can't really be bothered... You have surrendered.

Square Up: What you do just before you kick someone in the junk. For example: "Someone needs to look John Edwards right in his eyeball, square up and send his onions to space on a foot rocket. I mean now." Termed coined by Lydia's teenage sister, Lucy.

T-Box: A Target Wine Box.  They come in different flavors, colors, and sizes.  Lydia is particularly fond of the littlest ones, which are also called: "mommy juice boxes", because they look exactly like the kind of juice boxes you give your kids except that these are filled with awesomeness

The Triumvirate of Awesomeness: combination of Hector Cabeza del Toro, Jefe, the Green F*cking Elephant and James Garfield. Possibly to become a QUADUMVIRATE [it's TOTALLY a word!!] with the addition of Nelson Rockefeller, the puppet that swallows. Absurd. Fantastic. The love that has no name. Swoon. Inspired by the Blogess, our patron saint of blogging and inappropriate humor.

Thumbelina: Lydia's first grade daughter. Beautiful, blond, blue-eyed sweetheart whose angelic countenance masks a peerless tenacity to bend all those around her to her will. Is slated to be either Miss America or highly-paid Blackwater mercenary by age 22. Maybe both.

Turdish: the face one makes when one smells a turd. For example: "Is she a snitch, or was she just being turdish?" Quite possibly the way Lydia described Kate after their first meeting. Or Bella Swan, here.


Turtler: (noun) Term coined by Lydia's son Hawk to describe his little sister. "She's half baby, half toddler and really, really slow." This should make perfect sense to those of who herd turtles for a living.

Turtle Herding: The act of getting small children to go anywhere. Worse than herding cats, as cats actually move. Also see; excruciating.

Whacktacular: describes anything that is both strangely odd and yet compelling, i.e. Lydia's stripey hair, and some of Kate's shoes. Acceptable conjugations: whacktacularness (noun) quality or state of being whacktacular or whacktacularly (adverb) of, or relating to being both whack and spectacular

Whuck: hybrid of what and f**k, clearly. Or more accurately - "what the f**k"? Happily added to the Mommyland Arsenal of Words That Are Not Technically Curse Words. Coincidentally, term coined by Happy, after breaking a brand new crayon. Or, Tina Fey. Either way, awesome.

Wine: aka Mommy Juice. The cause of, and solution to, most of our rants. The stuff from which two of Lydia's three children were conceived. Impossible to ignore, unlike its nefarious cousin, Whine.

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(c)Herding Turtles, Inc. - 2009

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