Sunday, January 2, 2011

MommyLand Rewind: My Resolutions Are Broken

[Editor's Note: Warning. This is an actual rant. I've vacuumed my house 4 times and I'm still stepping on pine needles. I'm getting Christmas cards from people I didn't send a card to, which means now I have to send one back. It's basically admitting I didn't think of them first, which makes me the jackhole. Super. Merry F**king Christmas. And, once again, I have surrendered even beyond what I thought was possible and have committed the Ultimate Surrender. Which means I didn't do the teeth part and McLovin came home and I was still in yesterday's pajamas. Gross.  My kids whisper around me and bring me tea. So, one upside. Yea me.]

It's the 3rd of January. My New Year's Resolutions have already been broken. You like how I say they've been broken, like my resolutions went out bowling or something and got a little tipsy and wrecked the car? Oh, they broke. It had nothing to do with me.

"Ahem. Hi, I'm Kate and I smashed my resolutions all to hell with a fire poker."

[in unison] "Hi Kate."

Resolution One: Work Out
I was completely conspired against. There was no way I could prevail. First of all, changes to one's life should not be made in the dead of winter. Like I'm going to drag my fanny out in 16 degree weather at 6AM when it's still dark to get on a treadmill in an over lit fluorescent building where they're blasting "Rock You Like a Hurricane" and I'm forced to read the closed captioning of "Saved by the Bell," and listen to some guy downstairs who sounds like he's expelling a kidney stone every time he bench presses? Hey, Balboa, puts some actual weights on that thing and I'll shut my trap. Until then, you're just lifting the bar. Pussy.

And that's how resolution number one went up in flames.

Resolution Number Two: Don't Eat Junk
This was killed when McGee's Girl Scout leader brought by the permission form so McGee can sell cookies this year. And she brought cookie samples. Ummm, I've eaten more food in the past week than I did in the previous decade. I do not need a taste test. Actually, I'm happy to not know what they tasted like. I like Samoas. Period. And, it's not a new flavor. Plus, she didn't bring those. You'd think I would have just left them alone. You'd think wrong.

But at least I have a good story when people ask about NYRs (I'm tired of typing resolution. I spell it wrong every single time and I have to go back to correct it. It's always "resoltuion." It's like typing the word "and" -- I always get adn and spellcheck won't automatically fix it, even though my computer by now has to know that I'll spell it wrong. EVERY. SINGLE. TIME. It's just f**king with me now. I'm starting to think even when I do spell it right, it's self-incorrects it. Sort of like when I type McLovin. Natural instinct says to put a g at the end of it. But he's so NOT McLoving. That's sounds McWrong and like a guy who's way too geared up for a Big Mac. Yeah, that's an image I'm going to be kicking my brain for later. Where was I?

Seriously, this break from school was too long. I think I kicked too hard.

Oh right. Those perfect people who say, "So, how's your new year's resoltuion [dammit!] coming along?" And you know they're just dying to tell you how perfect they've been and how, when you confess that you utterly failed after four days, they cock their head at you and say, "oh, that's too bad" all drawn out like they're saying it slow for you or something.

So, as for Resolution One, I'm just going to say that I lost all the weight already and don't I look amazing, and they'll be forced to say yes. Because no one but Lydia could ever tell me the truth right to my face. They will all have to say things like "oh, you're done? That's it? You -- you think you look great? Because you do. Right. You do. Well done then. Congratulations."

As for the Cookie Resoltuion [really, it's not like I ever get it right...seriously] I'm going to get sad eyed and say how great things were going until the resoltuion a glass of milk. Have you ever heard such a dreadful thing? We're all very sad. Not ready to talk about it right now. Still broken up.

And now for the clincher. Frankly, it's brilliant. Should of thought of it like when I gave a sh*t if I successfully resolved anything.

To wit: Kate's Resolutions [aha!] That She Can Actually Keep
  1. Stop shooting meth. That I make. In my home lab.
  2. Clip coupons. This will indicate to McLovin that I'm budget conscious. Doesn't mean I have to use them.
  3. Put pen away that's sitting on kitchen counter.
  4. Devote at least 30 minutes a day to....ummm....Facebook. Awesome.
  5. Walk kids to school. Or at least to the crosswalk. Maybe just the end of the driveway.
  6. Throw away the Boobs Akimbo T-shirt. It's a lost cause and you know it.
  7. Volunteer. (Sunday I signed McLovin up to help with the church Spring Cleanup. I am all about giving back.)
  8. Check Number 7 off list. Done and done.
  9. Achieve Zen. Or, if not possible, Zima. (do they even make that anymore? it sucked, but I'm betting there's a whole generation of people who don't know what it was, so we can just tell them it's a new type of Yoga or something.)
  10. Rework this post for next New Years. It's not like the resoltuions (furkitty) ever change.
I am going to rock 2010 2011. Just as soon as I put on my t-shirt. One last time....and there they go. Stupid Shirt. You are so last decade.

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