Tuesday, January 19, 2010

Top Ten List #2: Kids Swearing

I'm completely to blame. I will confess to having let loose a 25-cent word on far too many occasions. And my kids are like AM radios. I could be saying I had lunch with the Jonas Brothers and the Sith Lords and all they'd tune in for would be when I accidentally swore. I think I've matched the GDP of several small countries with the amount of cash I've dropped in the curse jar. Clearly I don't respond to punitive damages; it's time to go with self-humiliation.

Kate and Lydia's Top Ten Kid Use of Swear Words

10. Happy (age 3), at the church picnic, seeing a man in a Mets cap: "The Mets SUCK."

9. Lefty, overheard on the baby monitor, threatening his sister: "Go tell mom. But you won't. Because you don't have balls. Because you're not a boy."

8. (Overheard at playground while watching first graders run around) "You pushed me off the top of the slide!" "No, I didn't!" "Yes, you did!" "You just fell cause you're stupid." "You're a bitch, Connor and I hate you."

7. Friend's two-year-old daughter. Big chair teeters, then falls and hits the ground right next to her. One second pause. "Oh shit, dat was close."

6. Hawk, at three, angrily trying to curse out his sister: "You... You... you PORKCHITTER!!" [This is a made-up swear word and when he says it, it sounds really bad, because he has to be really angry to play this card - his ace. This is what it sounds like when he says it: POKE-SHITTAH. Isn't it *awesome*?? - Lydia]

5. Lefty, listening in to a conversation between his sister and her friends, who were apparently talking about some other girl: "You can't be a bitch, you have to be someone's bitch. Mom said so." [Editor's Note: I was soooo busted for this one. - Kate]

4. McGee, upon seeing that the dog has destroyed her backpack and eaten her snack: "Rover! Where are you?! I'm just -- gonna -- oh that #%*() dog!" [Editor's Note: I actually had to give props for her proper use of adjectives, and try not to laugh. - Kate]

 3. Thumbelina, at 5, in the backyard: "Could you please quit being a douche and share the swing?"

2. Lydia herself, age 3. Calls her preschool teacher a "F*cker Upper".

1. McGee(age 4), after begging to do the Christmas Eve family prayer: [pause] "Dear God [longer pause] Umm, we're thankful for [very long pause] oh God Dammit, this is hard." Season One actually fell out of his chair. Yeah, Merry Christmas, family. I made this person. Awesome.


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