Tuesday, January 19, 2010

Top Ten List #2: Kids Swearing

I'm completely to blame. I will confess to having let loose a 25-cent word on far too many occasions. And my kids are like AM radios. I could be saying I had lunch with the Jonas Brothers and the Sith Lords and all they'd tune in for would be when I accidentally swore. I think I've matched the GDP of several small countries with the amount of cash I've dropped in the curse jar. Clearly I don't respond to punitive damages; it's time to go with self-humiliation.

Kate and Lydia's Top Ten Kid Use of Swear Words

10. Happy (age 3), at the church picnic, seeing a man in a Mets cap: "The Mets SUCK."

9. Lefty, overheard on the baby monitor, threatening his sister: "Go tell mom. But you won't. Because you don't have balls. Because you're not a boy."

8. (Overheard at playground while watching first graders run around) "You pushed me off the top of the slide!" "No, I didn't!" "Yes, you did!" "You just fell cause you're stupid." "You're a bitch, Connor and I hate you."

7. Friend's two-year-old daughter. Big chair teeters, then falls and hits the ground right next to her. One second pause. "Oh shit, dat was close."

6. Hawk, at three, angrily trying to curse out his sister: "You... You... you PORKCHITTER!!" [This is a made-up swear word and when he says it, it sounds really bad, because he has to be really angry to play this card - his ace. This is what it sounds like when he says it: POKE-SHITTAH. Isn't it *awesome*?? - Lydia]

5. Lefty, listening in to a conversation between his sister and her friends, who were apparently talking about some other girl: "You can't be a bitch, you have to be someone's bitch. Mom said so." [Editor's Note: I was soooo busted for this one. - Kate]

4. McGee, upon seeing that the dog has destroyed her backpack and eaten her snack: "Rover! Where are you?! I'm just -- gonna -- oh that #%*() dog!" [Editor's Note: I actually had to give props for her proper use of adjectives, and try not to laugh. - Kate]

 3. Thumbelina, at 5, in the backyard: "Could you please quit being a douche and share the swing?"

2. Lydia herself, age 3. Calls her preschool teacher a "F*cker Upper".

1. McGee(age 4), after begging to do the Christmas Eve family prayer: [pause] "Dear God [longer pause] Umm, we're thankful for [very long pause] oh God Dammit, this is hard." Season One actually fell out of his chair. Yeah, Merry Christmas, family. I made this person. Awesome.



  1. I love it! When my oldest son was 3 yrs old he sat himself down at the kitchen table and said, "hey, mom, can you make me a f*cking sandwich please?" I didn't know whether to laugh or cry, so I just did both! At least he knew how to use it properly in the sentence, right? ha!

  2. My 5 year old is seriously in a bad habit of calling everyone a douche when they don't make him happy.

  3. While driving one day, I let a "word" slip...I apologized to my then 6 and 3 year old. My oldest said "that's okay daddy said that a lot when we were driving in the place with all the snow and ice" I thought and went "you mean NEBRASKA?!?!" That was "the place with the dirty words"- we were moving from TN to WY in Feb- NOT a good idea, by any standards!!

  4. At age 4, having a temper tantrum, my grandmother sat me on the toilet and asked, "What is wrong my dear"? I quickly responded, "I am just, just, just so f#%&ing pissed off". My grandmother smiled at me and said, "Though I want to smack you, I will save it for your mother".

  5. lmao.

    my favorite was when my son was 2 he would strain on the potty and when I asked him what he was doing he'd say "takin it... takin' a Craaap!"

  6. ROFL!!! My 2.5 yr old has a tendency to drop F-bombs while at my parents' house, they of course, think its funny, so he walks around saying it over and over and over and... well, you get the idea...

  7. Oh my god...laughing so hard right now! When my son was in first grade he called a boy at school an "assle". Fortunately he left out a few letters...

  8. My 2.5 year old likes to let loose in Target, except she stretches out the words to see if I'm actually paying attention to her, "GOOOOOOOOODDDD DDDAAAAAAAAAAAMMMMMN".

  9. My daughter called one of the kids in the neighborhood a "fluffer" after she stole her toy!

  10. My Now 5 y/o while with his aunt for the weekend was only 2 and happened to look out the window,"F*k! It's rainin'"

    I have a terrible potty mouth and my Jackhole hubby lets them watch inappropriate movies... they correct/remind me when I use a naughty word... but the ones in the movies are allowed, cause mommy doesn't use those... ugh

  11. Haha awesome. When my little sister was three or four she would sing the word shit along to the music in sunday school at church. Priceless.




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