Monday, February 8, 2010

(Completely Imaginary) Celebrity Advice Column #4: This Won't Hurt Either

Quieros ladies,

Dios Mio! I am being - how do you say it? - ridiculed for telling the world that I had a perfect pregnancy and birth. How would anyone expect less? I am perfect. Beautiful, famous, rich...and married to an athlete of your American sport. It's not futbol even though you call it that. Of course I'm back in my skinny clothes. I am a supermodel.

Por favor, tell everyone to love me, or callate.




Dear Gisele,

We do want to like you. You're beautiful and we try really hard to not be jealous, but rather be happy for you because you are beautiful and famous and you just joined the sorority of Motherhood. And, you gave your son a nice, normal, non-Hollywood name. Which these days seems to involve random adjectives, cities, flora and fauna (though, not actually Flora and Fauna) and Disney characters. Thank you.

But, hermana, you are screwing with the sorority. We do not care if your home birth in your bathtub was like butterflies flying out of your -- ahem. For the sake of all moms of the world who have gone through HORRIBLE childbirth (have I mentioned the size of Lefty's head??) you need to shut your yap. 

For the sake of all moms out there who still look wistfully at their skinny clothes, we expect that your continue to shut your yap.

And, here's the thing, quierida. You may be a size Double Zero, or negative 427. Your boobs and your stomach may be just as perky and flat, respectively, as they were before you got pregnant. But we can assure you that your hoohah ain't a size zero no mo'. And it doesn't matter how many concussions your adorable husband, Tom Brady, has had. He's gonna notice that. The man knows his way around a "locker room" -- especially when you consider his post-Super Bowl victory tour of every piece of --uh, shower -- he could get in to.

And, as for the opting for no pain medication, we'll all be very impressed when you replicate that dedication to "wanting to feel" when it's time for a tooth extraction. Go ahead, breathe through that. Also, you clearly have an absurdly high pain tolerance. I mean, you have been ignoring hunger pains since you were 14, which was the last time you had a damn meal.  Childbirth didn't hurt, huh?  You must be out of your damn mind.

And one more thing. This sorority of motherhood you just joined, includes your baby daddy's last baby mama. We were already inclined to be "Team Bridget", so unless you start keeping your yap firmly shut, you may find yourself unable to make a single mommy friend - foreign or domestic. And if Tom Brady's amorous past is any predictor of your future - you're going to need all the friends you can get.

xo, Kate and Lydia

P.S. By the way...Bridget, we love how you too gave your son a nice normal name: John Edward Thomas Moynahan. Three thoughts: One, good for you for using your last name. Two, you snuck Thomas in there, so Tom can't really bestow anything other than his genes on another kid. And three, ever notice how your son's initials are JET? Your ex plays for the Patriots. They're like mortal enemies...basically, it means you're using your son's name to figuratively kick his dad in the balls. Awesome. We like you even better. xoxo Kate & Lydia

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