Tuesday, February 16, 2010

(Completely Imaginary) Celebrity Advice Column: Please date guys

Dear Kate and Lydia,

I did a bad thing.  I was recently talking to a journalist.  I said some things I really, really shouldn't have.  I said a bad word.  I talked about a couple of girls I used to go out with.  I feel terrible.  Because now everyone thinks I'm an assh*le.

In sadness,
Johnny Boy

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Dear John Mayer,

It's OK.  Because, you are an assh*le.  But for guys like you, we will use the preferred MommyLand term: d-bag.  You are a big, nasty, manwhore d-bag.  All of your sniveling "I'm so sorry, I don't want to be part of the media anymore, I feel terrible" is crap.  You feel bad because your conversation got PUBLISHED and now everyone knows you're a d-bag.  I doubt there's one second of remorse for what you said but rather lots and lots of public self-recrimination because you can't stand that you look bad

Two more things about your recent Playboy interview:
1) It is unwise to disrespect women, no matter their race. But to go off on the sisters, boy, you are stupid. To start with, you had better PRAY you never run into me and Kate, because we will be forced to educate you on the politics of race in MommyLand.  It breaks down to this:
Mommies = awesome. 
Mysognist, (questionably) racist, woefully arrogant guitar players = target practice.
Seriously, Kate's Choos are really pointy and when she aims them at a douche-bag's onions:  She. Does. Not. Miss.

2) Jessica Simpson is from Texas.  Therefore, her daddy has a gun.  And even more worrisome for you - HER MOM PROBABLY HAS ONE, TOO.  Be careful, Johnny Boy, you're overdue for a whuppin'.

Let's move on.  We're not even going into the whole Jennifer Anniston thing.  Jenn is a grown-ass woman and she can take care of herself.  But seriously, be glad she's not from Texas.

We want to discuss YOU.  You are a great musician.  We're not even going to pretend otherwise.  But...You're like that guy girls meet their freshman year of college.  You're all boyish and sort of cute but ugly at the same time.  And really deep.  And so different.  And you just get it. Sigh...  And then oops, that freshman learns the hard way that you're actually THE DEVIL.  Oh, right.  You're so into women.  You venerate the female.  Your Body Is a Wonderland.  I don't frigging think so.

You have left a wasteland of women in your wake - women who were hoping it would be a wonderland.   Instead, we're pretty sure that it consisted of 5-8 minutes of barely adequate, followed by you not calling, tweeting about it to your 7 gajillion followers, and a week later the poor freshman having to make a hasty trip to the GYN. 

In conclusion, you're a douche.  Focus on music and start dating guys.  Because hopefully, every woman, foreign and domestic, is now over you.

XO Flipping you off,
Kate and Lydia

P.S.  We would've given you the Maude face, but let's face it.  She probably couldn't stand to look at you.

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3 comments:

  1. Love it and couldn't agree more. Oh yeah, LOVED the ps!

    ReplyDelete
  2. Amen. I wish I could see him on the street so I could slap him with a pickle. His weak jawline and runny mouth make me want to vomit.

    Sorry. I have a lot of pent up aggression these days...

    ReplyDelete
  3. I believe that Garfunkel and Oates wrote a song about Johnny Boy. It's called "This Party Just Took a Turn for the Douche."

    ReplyDelete

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