Tuesday, February 9, 2010

Getting Ready for *Yet* Another Snowstorm

Crap. More snow. The snow is supposed to hit us tomorrow, sometime between 10am and 4pm. It's supposed to snow between 10 and 24 inches. It will snow for one or possibly two days. Nice job, weather man. Kate was right. Dude, don't you have some system called "Accu-check"? Wait. That may be for diabetes. Forget I said that. It just seems that the damn weatherman has no idea what he's talking about. The only thing he does with any certainty is create pandemonium at the grocery store and Target in the 36 hours leading up to when the snow may (or may not) start falling.

I need a plan. The Cap'n is slammed at work so he may as well not exist for the purpose of blizzard preparation. I don't want to go to the stores but... I have to. I don't want to take all three kids with me, so I need to time it carefully. I have between 9:30-11:45 am to get everything done if I am to do it while Thumbelina and Hawk are at their respective schools. Need to make a list. And find the coupons (stupid BLOODY coupons).

  • Booze for me and Cap'n for after kids are put to bed (at 6:35pm -- as will surely be in desperate need of grown-up time after being trapped in the house with them for three days)
  • Treats (to make snowed-in days special in the manner of Norman Rockwell/NBC family sitcom from the 80's)
  • Diapers/wipes (for poopers)
  • Dog food (for Woody, so he will not try to eat the baby or raid the trash)
  • Groceries (for creating elaborate meals which will require me to be in the kitchen for hours while Cap'n will be forced to play with the kids somewhere other than the kitchen)
  • Things to stave off cabin fever for the kids (craft supplies, coloring books, crayons that are not broken, movies from Blockbuster)
  • Water-proof Gloves (for Hawk, as has lost three pairs this winter and refuses to wear pink ones because they are clearly for girls and would rather risk frostbite or miss out on sledding/neighborhood snowball fight than wear pink gloves).
Also, must remember not to spend too much money as have just paid rent and enormous heating bill. List indicates need to go to a couple of different stores. Crappitty CRAP. One stop each for booze, grocery store, Target and maybe Blockbuster (if I can make it there before preschool pick-up). DANG it. I'm out of gas. Add another stop. Oh Lord. Have just spent 30 minutes drinking coffee and conducting strategic planning session and now have no time to actually do everything. It can't be done. Have already heard about horrific lines and parking lot nightmares and other yuckiness. This is ridiculous. I should just buy booze and then order enough Chinese food to last three days and rent movies on pay-per-view. Then this would be a no-stress blizzard. Sigh... Can't. Need diapers, dog food, etc.

Must prioritize. Booze first, obviously. Is closest to the house. Remarkably easy as no one else seems to be going there first. Is it odd to buy alcohol at 10:00am and to prioritize its purchase ahead of other home essentials? Or to consider it a home essential? Odd or not - I am a genius! In and out in five minutes. This is not going to be so bad. Buy gas and then off to Target.

One hour and forty five minutes later.

Oh. Sweet. Lord. Have never been so glad to leave a store in all my life. I don't know how it happened but my suburban Target transformed itself into a pre-Glasnost Soviet Union communist-era commissary, complete with bread lines and somber clothing and sub-freezing weather. And this pre-blizzard, Moscow Target makes no sense to me. It is the first week of February. I spent twenty minutes looking for boy's gloves, then men's gloves, then ANY gloves. I found only flip-flops, bikinis and t-shirts with surf boards on them. WTF?! I stopped a haggard-looking blond in a red shirt and name-tag to be told, with attitude, that in the zone where we live, Target stops stocking things like gloves, snow pants and sleds during the second week in December. Anything left after Christmas is promptly put on clearance and gone by the second week of January.

Now that's a business model that makes sense.

Then she explained that a lot of the bathing suits, shorts, etc. were for families who were going to go on vacation somewhere warm. I'm thinking: "If I had the money to take my family to the Bahamas for President's weekend, do you think I would get all worked up because I couldn't find my daughter a $6 skort at your discount mega-store? You stop selling GLOVES in favor of SANDALS in the middle of the winter because so many families require resort wear options?" But all I said was: "Where's the wine cubes?"

On the way to wine cubes, shoes happened. Guess what? Kate is rubbing off on me. [Editor's Note: Kate is dancing right now. Dan. Cing. But barefoot, which is sort of poetic and ironic at the same time. Point is, girls, Lydia was stopped by shoes, paid attention to shoes, and is about TO BUY shoes. I am completely justified doing the Ironic Barefoot Dance. - Kate] Sort of. I got distracted by the shoes on clearance. I so dearly love a bargain. While Kate has bought shoes that could pay the mortgage [mortgage payment shoes? Like car payment hair?], I buy shoes that could pay for a latte. These cute heels(!) cost $6. And they're comfortable, provided that I don't wear them for more than one hour. Oooh - can wear them with my black tights to church like a proper grown up! [Editor's Note: I just fell outta my chair. Totally worth it. - Kate]

Then I got to wine cubes and something ELSE caught my eye. I let out a shriek and people all around me gasped as they saw me grasp a small, red square and begin cooing and stroking it. It was Mommy Juice Boxes. Yes! Wine boxes the size of juice boxes. Coolest. Thing. Ever. I immediately texted Kate, who already had four in her fridge. I am the last to know about this? The most amazing innovation in the history of ever?

Finished buying the rest of my stuff in a daze only to find myself on line in sort of a hurry. I had twenty minutes until I was supposed to be at the preschool (and it's fifteen minutes away). The line was about 43 people long. I look in my cart and realize that it is going to be really expensive. Also realize that I have no coupons for any of the things in my cart. Nuts.

And then, a ruckus. The customer at the register walked away from her cart and started perusing some gift cards. The cashier waited for a very long two minutes and then said politely: "Ma'am... the line..." The customer ignored her. Another minute passed. The proletariat in the bread line started to get angry. One more minute and we were going to become an angry mob. A red faced man yelled at her: "LADY! There are other people waiting!" She looked at him over her shoulder, completely ignored him, and kept right on looking at the gift cards. There were only about ten kinds of gift cards so I have no idea what could possibly have taken her so long, other than perhaps that we were all part of some psych experiment to see who would "break" first and start ramming her with their cart. A mother with three kids walked over to her and in a soft, pleading voice said: "Please, please can you finish your shopping?" The lady nodded, grabbed a couple of cards without looking at them and proceeded to check out. She walked out of the store and was promptly struck by a large bolt of lightning. Not really.

So I find myself here, freaking out - having spent $125 on booze and Target stuff, and am now going to be hideously late picking up Hawk and still don't have any groceries. And it just got worse. I got a text telling me that school is already cancelled for tomorrow. GAAHHHHHH!!!!! I. HATE. YOU. SNOW. This stress-fest of sucktitude is about to get waaaayyy worse because I will now have to take the ALL my kids with me to Safeway.

Then a small miracle happens. The Cap'n calls my cell phone and says he is coming home early and is going to stop at the grocery store on his way home. I tell him I'm just leaving Target, and have already bought us adult beverages.

Wow. Everything will be covered. I start to relax. He asks how much I spent and (I silently apologize as) I pretend that Sprint dropped the call and hang up. Sigh... Shopping done, preparation and planning have paid off. I am obviously a domestic goddess/strategic planner/weather emergency guru extraordinaire.

With new shoes. I'm totally going to have to hide the box. Kate?


Subscribe in a reader
(c)Herding Turtles, Inc. 2009 - 2010

Popular Posts