Thursday, February 25, 2010

How to Get Your B On: A Primer

In a recent post, I referenced handing off my kids, getting my B on and then cleaning the whole house. A friend commented that this sounded "inspirational" and that I should clarify this process for others. I think it goes without saying that the friend who made this comment was a DUDE. It should also go without saying that if he needed to ask this question, his wife must be the nicest, sweetest woman in the history of ever. Because honestly, the Cap'n would never ask this question.

There's a science to getting your B on. I mean that. It involves math. You see, just as chemicals were involved in changing Dr. Jekyll into Mr. Hyde or Peter Parker into Spiderman - we too need a catalyst in order to transform. Here is some math to illustrate my point:

Bruce Banner + danger/stress = Incredible Hulk

Mommy + "Variable X" = Raging B

Variable X may equal:
  • Lack of sleep
  • Child with a fresh mouth
  • PMS
  • Imminent arrival of dinner guests
  • 72-24 hours before a major holiday
  • A hangover
  • Any job that includes cleaning up another creature's feces (that does not involve a baby)
  • Thoughtless comment from husband (e.g: "Is that skirt supposed to be tight?')
  • Empty toilet paper roll. Again.
  • Months 1-9 of pregnancy
  • One hour til your child's birthday party
  • D-bag in the BMW who would not let you merge

So let's be clear, Variable X can be many, MANY things. In fact, far too many for us to list. And if we're being honest, the necessary "catalyst" can come from anywhere. Even from nowhere. Getting your B on is just so easy some days. Like eating ice cream easy. So perhaps, mommies, it is time to explore the more important question. The question of the year, perhaps...

 How do you get your B off?

I am working diligently on this question. It is research. It is science. It is important to ALL MANKIND. Interesting fact: while there are a myriad ways to get your B on, there are only a handful of ways that are actually helpful in shedding it. I have outlined them as follows:

Prayer/Meditation/Higher Power: Whether your higher power is JC or Oprah Winfrey - sometimes you may just have to hit your knees and beg for help. That's where I am currently. "Please God, please help me not to yell at my children when they act little monsters. Please help me to remember that most of the time it's just because they want my attention and there are three of them and one of me and notwithstanding the fact that I have a big, fat ass, I am spread reeeaaallllly thin. I want to be good but that is difficult and being a raging B is so very, very easy. So a little help please so I don't ruin three otherwise awesome small people. Amen and I'm out."

Also, I gave up yelling for Lent with the intention of never yelling again (unless it was like "Fire!" or "Stop biting her!" or "Soylent Green is made of PEOPLE!" or something really important). And I have been white knuckling it every day. I feel like Ricky Bobby praying to everyone for the invisible fire to stop burning him:

 Kate is *obviously* Cal Naughton, Jr. running to save me. Shake and Bake, y'all.

Working Out/Healthy Lifestyle: I should probably let Kate write this. I think that getting plenty of exercise helps keep you from being a B because of the endorphins (another chemical catalyst!). Either that, or the smugness that comes from being all - "I went to gym this morning" (said aloud) "Nyah Nyah Nyah!" (said silently to self). [Editor's Note: I do this. I'm horrible. - Kate] I really wouldn't know but I understand that a healthy lifestyle with all things in moderation makes everything in your life good. Until that box of Samoas shows up from the Girl Scouts and little Miss Moderation can only have three. Good luck with THAT.

Inebriants: I think we all know my position on wine. I am pro-wine. I am also pro-single malt and strongly in favor of Guinness. But let's not forget that even if you don't drink or can't drink, there are many options to dull your mind and senses. Here are my favorite non-alcoholic inebriants:
  • UsWeekly, People Magazine, InStyle
  • Facebook (esp. Bejewelled Blitz)
  • Ben and Jerry's
  • Pride and Prejudice with Colin Firth
  • Buffy The Vampire Slayer - the series
  • The Real Housewives
  • Chocolate
  • Twilight Saga
  • Brie, slices of pear and a baguette
  • American Idol auditions
  • E!
  • Wii bowling
Behavioral or Cognitive Therapy: This can take many, many forms. Venting to a friend, listening to James Brown really loud, going for a walk to get away from your family get some fresh air, or just doing something for yourself that makes you feel better. For Kate, that may be wandering into her closet and gazing at her Louboutins.

When I'm feeling like a B, I sometimes have imaginary conversations where everything I say is awesome - as if I were scripted by someone brilliant like Joss Whedon or Nora Ephron. It's sort of like talking out a problem except that I'm just thinking about talking it out. So that I win. But I am odd. (My new imaginary best friend, Tina Fey, is sitting here in B-blur next to me laughing out loud. Again!)

For both of us, though, writing Rants from MommyLand is surest fire way of shedding our raging B's and returning to our normal states of being.

Please keep in mind - this is all preliminary research. But I'm obviously a subject matter expert. And it's obviously peer-reviewed because you are my peers and you are reading it right now. And this research is pretty inspiring. Almost as inspiring as the latest edition of UsWeekly. If it were dipped in chocolate. Hand delivered by Colin Firth. Who's also dipped in chocolate. And holding a Guinness. Now that's inspiration, B.
(c)Herding Turtles, Inc. 2009 - 2010


  1. Mmmmmm....Colin Firth dipped in chocolate...

    1. My VERY first thought was exactly this. I truly cannot think of anything better.....

  2. But the better question is, why would you want to get your B off? I know when I am being a raging B things get done in my house & everyone (including my adult child, i.e husband) does what they are told!

  3. A. I love Colin Firth and Pride and Prejudice.
    B. I love Joss Whedon and Buffy the Vampire Slayer (Note: We actually studied the "Hush" episode in a film class at UNC... that's how stinkin' good he is!)
    C. I love, love, love getting my B on. (Seriously. Does that make me sadistic?)
    D. I love Kate and Lydia

    So when I add all that together, I pretty much loved this whole post... *as usual*

  4. Soylent Green......LMAO

  5. Don't forget DSW as an inebriant. Shoe shopping, especially BARGAIN shoe shopping, can soothe the savage B.

  6. Pride and Prejudice with Colin Firth - my favorite movie ever!!! When Darcy comes out of that lake all dripping die for! Definite cure for all wordly woes.

  7. Could NOT have said it better myself!!!! Bejewelled Blitz is, I Swear, like a valium(never had one, but guessing). LOL Chocolate, E!... And mumbled prayer as my almost two-year-old pulls the flour off the counter to throw three handfuls before I get to him... All awesome. Showing the list of Variables and full equation to my husband. Maybe he will Get It. LOL

  8. Wow - an awesome and appropriate Ricky Bobby referrence and a Colin Firth shout out all in one place. Mmmmmm... (Crap I drooled on the keyboard again.)

  9. I knew I loved you, Lydia, but the fact that you referenced both Soylent Green *and* Talladega Nights in one short paragraph clinches it.

  10. Even though Aunt Mary is a Jane Austin groupie and hates ANY changes to the canon---Colin Firth wet didn't cause the negative reaction.

    Aunt Mary

  11. One word that causes me to get my "B" on:
    The word in - only two letters and a simple definition -on the inside; within. And yet a very complicated concept as demonstrated by the IHP. I am gobsmacked at the amount of times I have to define the word for them - in means IN (the capitals to indicate that last word was uttered at full shriek) it does not mean on, near, around, hanging out of,or underneath. For example in the laundry basket or in the trash or in your dresser drawers. I will find the items on my dresser, on the floor, and on the bed, and everywhere else inbetween and never actually within. IN IN IN IN IN IN IN! And the instruction to get in the car seems to be even more problematic - it seems obvious to me it means to plant your heiney in the carseat - as defined by the LTS apparently there is a definition number 1001 that allows in to mean throw snowballs at the house, and definition 1002 apparently is wander aimlessly around the front yard. My rant of the morning - I feel better now!

  12. That is some seriously funny stuff! From one HTB to another, thank you! Definitely Colin Firth (or Edward Cullen) dipped in chocolate would go a looong way to getting the B off. Oh, and that picture of Shirley Henderson as Kate from the re-told Taming of the Shrew -- seriously, that is me! But then again, my husband's a lot like Petruchio, without the cross dressing.

  13. When I'm ready to chuck my toddler out the nearest window [getting my B on] I cradle her head in my hand, supporting the neck and back with my arm, so that she doesn't get hurt [so that I don't get arrested,] and I vent all my frustration and yell 'SHAKING THE BABY! AAARGH! SHAKE THE BABY!' and she thinks its frickin' hilarious and laughs her stupid little heart-melting laugh and either squeals 'again! again!' or 'I love you soooo much mommy' so I can't be mad anymore without becoming a total unfeeling turdball.
    I tried lightly whapping her diaper to make a crinkly sound while getting all my anger out through my voice by growling 'SPANKINGS! SPANKINGS!' but it backfired when I was at Target and was getting fed up. I finally stopped and said 'Do you want a SPANKING?!' and she lay down on the floor in a Playboy pose on her side saying 'Haha YES! Spankings!' and started playfully smacking her own butt.
    Why couldn't I have gotten the ultrasonic squealer like my sister did? Or the dull little TV zombies like my other sister? Why did I have to get the smartass?

  14. Haha YES! Spankings!

    OMG that made me laugh out loud and pee a little. I do the shaking the baby 'game' too, and my toddler loves it. Thinks it is hilarious. But really...Mommy is super frustrated and enough is enough now. Let's play a happy game!

  15. Things I can do to deliberately feel better? reading rants from mommyland - duh. And imagining that I have Force powers to clean the house. Things *they* can do to make it better.. toddler wrapping his little sticky arms around my leg and saying "I wub you mommy!" then his twin brother wrapping around the other leg saying "Wub you too mommy!" And it makes up for the fact that I now have matching snot prints in my otherwise mostly, kinda, sorta-clean XL black yoga pants.




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