Friday, February 12, 2010

The Laundry Fairy

I don't sleep much. Because of the teething. Love the baby. Hate the molars. The other night, I was awake at 4am. I may have been dreaming or in some sort of sleep-deprived daze. In any case, I had an encounter. I stumbled into the kitchen for a glass of water and saw a large man, dressed in shimmery velour clothes, sitting at the table. He smelled of spring flowers and fresh rain.  The dog was asleep by his feet.

Lydia: "Stranger!  Stranger!  Who the hell are you?"
Stranger: "I'm the Laundry Fairy."
Lydia: "Excuse me?"
Stranger: "The. Laundry. Fairy."
Lydia: "Really? Because you look like a dude in a red velour track suit. Sitting at my kitchen table. At 4am."
LF: "Sorry for dropping in like this but I knew you'd be up, and we need to talk."
Lydia: "I don't believe in you, Laundry Fairy. I wish you were real. If you were real, you'd help me.  And if you were real, you wouldn't be a MAN."
LF: "I can assure you I'm real. Why do you think I would have to be a woman? That's sexist. If you were thinking clearly, you'd understand that the Laundry Fairy would have to be a man. Or a real b*tch of a woman."
Lydia: "Actually, yeah. I can sort of see that. Because if you do actually exist, and you allow mothers all over the world to struggle, without helping them one little bit, all the while flouncing around in your track suit like a surly, winterized Richard Simmons - and basically telling the rest of us to suck it and get back to folding - then yeah. That sounds exactly like a dude."
LF: (sigh) "Are you done?"
Lydia: "What. Do. You. Want?"
LF: "You need to try harder."
Lydia: "Excuse me? I need to TRY HARDER? Did Kate send you? Is this about the clogs?! Or Gwyneth Paltrow? I'm working on self-improvement! OK?!"
LF: "Simmer down. I'm just talking about laundry. You suck at laundry. For the past three days, when your four year old son needs a fresh pair of underpants - he has to walk downstairs to the mountain of clean, but still unfolded laundry, to dig around until he finds clean skivvies. That's not right. You don't even work any more, Lydia.  You have no excuse. Why can't you get it done?"
Lydia: "OK. Now I know you're a dude. You better stand still. Because those are fighting words and I'm about to square up..."
LF: "I. Am. A. Fairy. You can't hurt me. But you must heed my words. Try harder. Get that laundry done, Lydia."
Lydia: "Or what? What are you going to do? Keep NOT HELPING me? You have no leverage here, Buddy. I don't even believe in you."
LF: (shaking his head sadly) "You just don't get it. You are not supposed to believe in me. I'm not here for you. I'm here for your husband, your children, all those who don't have to do the laundry. I'm here for those lucky people who enjoy finding that, through no effort of their own, their clothes and sheets and towels just magically smell fresh and look nice. They believe in me and you are ruining that. You are destroying the magic!"
Lydia: "ohhhhhh... It's getting clearer to me now."
LF: "Think of your husband. He opens his closet in the morning and remarks: 'I don't seem to have any clean dress shirts'. The next morning, as if by magic, he opens his closet and there they are! Do you not see how special that is? It's like a little bit of Christmas every time.  Why are you so determined, through your own laziness and ineptitude, to destroy special moments like that?"
Lydia: "So you want me to do more laundry and do it faster so that you can get the credit for it? Is that right?"
LF: [taps nose enthusiastically while rolling eyes] "Now she's got it. [sighs] Finally. But, yep, that about sums it up. Think how nice it will be for Hawk to have clean underwear every day without ascending Mt. Clothing Pile. Everyone will get nice, fresh and folded laundry and they won't have to say to thank you. Because they will continue to believe in me and my special magic."
Lydia: "Got it. You can go now."
LF: [looking earnest and self-important] "I know you heard me, Lydia. But I hope you listened."

At which point, my Jersey came out and I grabbed my bat and beat him to a pulp all the while screaming: "Suck it! Suck it! Suck it!"

The End.

PS: Here's how I know it wasn't a dream. The next morning I found him on my lawn, unbruised AND unbloodied, still trying to convince me to try harder at laundry. Stupid. Friggin. Fairy.
A reinactment:

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  1. Love the "Know you heard me... hoped you listened" Does that mean that I now have to put away the laundry sitting on the couch, and fold the clean stuff in the dryer? Its 11:00 and everyone is asleep? Can I finish my wine first?

  2. You know what I love most about you guys? You make me feel NORMAL! Seriously - I think I have too many "perfect" mommy friends who would never admit to having a pile of laundry in the middle of the kitchen. It's there because it got too big for the laundry room and I was thinking if it blocked the way to the fridge then I would have a reason to fold it. :)

  3. LOL! We have a room in our house that is technically the guest bedroom. But since the birth of J, it has been "the laundry room." Why? Because it's just across from the washer and dryer and I can pull the clothes out, dump them on the bed, and put in another load. I will kick that fairy in the teeth if he brings his track suit wearing self to my house!

  4. Also, that's the funniest shit I've ever seen. Especially fond of the hand gestures!!! Must go make movies now.....

  5. If we were not about to turn our guest room into a nursery it would still have a 5ft high pile of clean laundry on the entire bed. It has been living there for the last 3 years and only got cleared last Saturday.

  6. I am the worst laundry person ever. I will clean it, sometimes fold it, then my love seat keeps it until its all dirty again. Of course when I DO fold it that only lasts a day because my kids and I are digging through to find things to wear. And don't get me started about finding matching socks!

  7. Folding Laundry Sucks! Yeah, that sums it up.

  8. Hilarious - "we will commence to whoop on you" I am cracking up!

  9. OK, I know this is weird, but stay with me....

    I actually like laundry. It waits quietly in the corner until I'm ready to deal with it. It goes from undone to done in a matter of hours. It doesn't talk back. Essentially, it makes me feel accomplished. The wash was out of control, and now it's under control. It gives me closure.

    Yes, I know it's only going to pile up again, but I choose to see this as another chance to do battle with and slay the laundry dragon. More accomplishment! More closure!

  10. As well as the post being funny, you've introduced me to Xtranormal. Hysterical! Thanks :-)

  11. Loved the post! Laundry piles up at my house, too. I don't mind the sorting/washing/drying part. It's the fodling and the damn sock matching! Oh, and I loved the movie! Totally laughing outloud!!

  12. Thank you. THANK YOU. Like Becky said above, you make me feel normal. Sure my kid thinks the round drum-like thing above the washing machine is a dresser, but it's not like HE'S offering to do the damn laundry.

  13. LOVE IT!!!!!!! LOL!!! Sometimes I want to throw all the laundry out and start again!!!

  14. Can I claim disability if folding laundry hurts my back, neck, and arms? I think it looks more attractive piled on the closet floor than in the drawers anyway. Beauty is in the eye of the beholder.

  15. It's not just me. I move the same stupid laundry basket back and forth between the living room and our bedroom many times before the laundry is folded. I hate folding laundry.

  16. My laundry fairy used to be displeased that I would leave the laundry in the dryer too long and he would magically move it upstairs to sit on the living room couch. I had to kick his arse with a sign on the dryer that says "please do not take laundry upstairs unless you intend to immediately fold it". Because, WTF, why should I have to listen to it yell at me all day..."fold me, fold me"? (I think I was pretty forgiving by using the word "please", don't you?)

  17. *plugging ears* la, la, la, la. I'm not listening! Suck it, laundry fairy!

  18. There is a God. My husband does the laundry. Otherwise, we'd all have to go naked.

  19. Laundry Fairy, I have already told you I hate you. Mow chicka mow mow.

    Funniest thing I have seen in ages. CRYING!

  20. That was the most hilarious thing I've read/seen in a long time. AWESOME!!

  21. fantastic! i don't even mind washing/drying/folding, but i HATE to put it away. my kids didn't even use their drsser this past winter. i was too lazy to move the summer clothes, so all thier clothes lives on the folding table in the laundry room. laundry fairy indeed.

  22. I was on a mission to get all the laundry up off our bedroom floor. My kid walked in (age 3) and asked "what you move all that stuff for?" Apparently he thought it was furniture. Or something that didn't move. Suck it, Randy, I'm giving up for the night.

  23. Such an AWESOME post!!!!

    I hate the laundry fairy.

  24. I claim the title of laundry fairy in my house. If he's not going to show up and appear to others, I'll take the credit myself. Laundry fairy comes once every two weeks. And unlike the tooth fairy, I TAKE money that's found under pillows and in the dryer...

  25. Oh my i LOVE THIS LOVE IT !!!! Laundry fairy better not come by here - I am going to keep a bat next to the washer just in case :)

  26. This is frickin Hilarious! You are my new favorite mommy blog!

  27. Like Becky, I love you guys for making me feel normal!! Trying to find matching socks in my drawer is like playing a game of Concentration. My little man's summer clothes are still piled on the chair in his bedroom because I didn't have the jam to put it in the drawers...and bonus...I waited to do it long enough that summer is now over and I can just stuff it in a bag now! I score!

  28. gasp...I, too, have wiped a baby bottom with Lysol wipes! All the while, I thought..."this does not smell like a wipe. Oh, well." Thank you for making one more Mommy feel normal :)

  29. Oops...please ignore my comment. It belongs on the Halloween to Holidays Death Spiral post, in which you admit to wiping said baby bottom with a Lysol wipe.

  30. Have I told anyone that I HATE laundry?? Well, I do. Right now, it is in my basement waiting to be done, folded and put away. I did a load this morning...that's good enough for today right? Well, it is close to 6 PM and it is still in my dryer. There are four laundry baskets upstairs that need to be folded or hung up but my son is finally taking his first nap of the day and I need a little time to relax(and read your stories). Thanks for your amazing blog!

  31. In our house it is called Mt. Washmore, and it is never ending.

    What do you do with all the damn socks missing a mate?

  32. OK that movie almost made me cry! Out of joy, not sadness. I want to make one but now they're like, "You have to pay." Is there a way to make them free, or are you hiding costs from the Cap'n??

  33. Damn! I want to see the movie! Bring it back! :D

  34. Hahah!
    I have two Mt. loadies sitting in my bedroom. 1 in the kiddo's room.

    I have found a geneious way to stop the missing socks part - buy ALL socks the same, mine are all black and look the same.
    Life saver!

  35. i was folding laundry when i had one I have 1 + twins so no laundry folding for me. I just take it out the dryer and just shove it in the drawers. I buy my husband only black socks - so I don't have to find pairs. As for the kids, well if the socks have same patters - is enough to consider matching.
    Check out this fb page :)

  36. You are really funny.

  37. I love the fact that your version of the Laundry Fairy looks like a pimp from the early 80s. HAHAHAHAA. LOVE IT!

  38. I m exhausted. I m taking a break from...suck it suck it suck it laundry to read about this laundry fairy! I have 4 baskets of clean laundry (one for each person) waiting to get folded...& i too hate folding laundry.
    Thanks for the blog...&i all of the mommy comments.

  39. I refuse to do my husband's laundry, so his clean clothes occupy 2 full laundry baskets and he wears wrinkled clothes all the time. I do my own laundry, and now that my daughter is 5, she is starting to do her own laundry (with supervision). I wash the sheets and towels. Now that I'm pregnant, I've been asking my daughter to help me even more so I don't hurt my back and she doesn't seem to mind, which is good because there will be even more laundry to do when the baby is born.




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