Friday, February 19, 2010

LIVE BLOGGING: Tiger Talks...We Respond

OK, so we're super excited about this...and nervous. Lydia's computer has a quirk that makes it just SHUT OFF mid-sentence. Fantastic.

What we know so far: Tiger's mea culpa is not only going to be shown on the big three - NBC, ABC, CBS - and pre-empting "Ellen" or "Tyra" or "Bonnie" (how many are there???) but it's also going to be on the cable news channels, the sports channels, the GOLF channel...E!...maybe the Cartoon Network, TeleMundo, the Chinese News Service and LOGO...seriously, if they preempt "Buffy the Vampire Slayer" Lydia's gonna lose her schmidt. We're setting the TiVo so we can watch it over and over and over...

The big question for us: Where's Elin?? Lydia thinks the Mrs. - per our advice - is at home playing a drinking game with her girlfriends...every time Tiger says "sorry" they do a shot...every time he says "my attorney" they add another zero to the settlement amount...every time he says "...let you down" Elin and Co. castrate another baby tiger.

Kate thinks she's backstage, practicing her swing...with the driver this time. Cuz it's a wood.

Get ready girls...here he comes...oh, please forgive any typos...we're typing like crazy over here!

xoxo Kate & Lydia

-------------------------------------------
  • You're late, d-bag.  Was rehab getting you down?
  • He looks *awesome*. Is he wearing make-up? Think he’s banging the make-up artist?
  • We're not your friends.
  • He's medicated!  Or drunk.
  • Do not say Elin's name!!! 
  • Tried to be private?  Except with your "woods"?
  • You don’t look humble, Tiger. You look… constipated.
  • What does he mean by "friends"?  And "letting them down"??
  • You are CHANGING the subject!  It's about you being a manwhore!
  • Is your mom silently weeping in the background right now?
  • Dude, golf writers aren’t covering this. You know what they ARE covering right now? The tournament you’re NOT playing in.
  • Oh whatever. You’re such a douche.
  • Elin should hit you NOW.
  • Elin deserves praise and $300 million dollars.
  • Never thought about who you were hurting?  Only who you were doing.  NICE.
  • Your mom looks SO PISSED.  *awesome!*
  • Take a drink, Elin. It’ll be over soon.
  • Put the hospital gown on, now Tiger. It will be easier for everyone that way.
  • It's not what you achieve?  Seriously?  DOUCHE!
  • Who wrote this “apology” for you? Michael Scott? Did Dwight help?
  • Is this Step 6 of sexy time therapy?
  • We respect ELIN's privacy.  You gave yours up when you texted skanky mcwafflehouse.
  • Oh... It's the media's fault.  I see.  I forgot  - it's about them being assh*les.  Right?
  • A better man?  How about who knows how to stay home?
  • Buddhism?  Dude.  The Dalai Lama wants to slap you with a sandwich right now.
  • You're  born again Buddhist?  And you're in sexy time therapy.  Good luck with that.
  • You can rely on us for help, tiger. 
  • For keeping it REAL.
  • We have a good wish for you - we wish Elin would crack you in the head again.
  • Work on your private life and more specifically your PRIVATES.
  • Oh we believe in you now.  We believe that hug you just gave your mom was CRAPtastic.
  • Nice "bro-hug".  What is this?  A receiving line?
  • And..... it's over!
  • Get ready for a quick de-brief.  We're typing it now...
Assessment:

That was bullsh*t. Did your notes actually tell you to stare vacantly at the camera? Because that was *creepy*. We don’t know if it helped the appearance of contrition to leave the room like it was the State of the Union address. Was that Ruth Badar Ginsburg you hugged in the front row? Can we just say that you seem more selfish and lame now.  Ernie Els (who Kate assures me is a professional golfer - I have no idea) is PISSED at you for holding your "statement" in the middle of a tourney.  Because you just have to be the center of the Golf world - even when you're not playing. 

Elin, we love you.  You're bad*ass.  Thank you for NOT being there.  Thanks for not participating in that ridiculous spectacle.  It seems at one time you were married to the most amazing golf player in the world...it was cool. Now you're married to this pathetic chump who has to arrange to be hugged, and is most assuredly disease riddled. We say you take the 300 mil and run.

xo, Kate and Lydia

PS: One more thing:




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2 comments:

  1. Heh.

    Oh, and no lie. Except for the "hit him again" comment, I'm right there with you.

    ReplyDelete
  2. I feel like I need to tell you that whilst watching this on closed caption at the gym, Love Shack was playing over the gym speakers. Whole nother level, really.

    ReplyDelete

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