Wednesday, February 24, 2010

Lydia Loses Her Schmidt

Lydia had a bad week. And then, she was given the (rare) opportunity to run an errand all by herself. While alone in her car, she just lost it. At that exact moment, perhaps using friend ESP, Kate called:

Lydia: (sobbing - answers cell phone while driving) "Huh-huh-lo?"
Kate: "What's the matter?! Are the kids OK?!"
Lydia: "They're fiinnnnne. They're at hooommmme. I'm alone in the car and I just started cryyyyying and now I can't stoooooppp."
Kate: "What happened, sweetie?"
Lydia: "F*cking Sarah McLachlan came on the iPod and I started thinking about everything and I just started cryinnnggggg."
Kate: "Oh Lyd. Remember what we talked about? Alone in the car is not a good time for you. You're very prone to upset. Remember the rule we talked about?"
Lydia: (hiccuping and trying to stop crying) "I know. Only James Brown and Mika and Lady Gaga and stuff when I'm alone in the car. Only happy songs."
Kate: "Right. Do not let the iPod pick. And no women with guitars or pianos or plaintive voices. Remember what happened that time when you heard Tori Amos?"
Lydia: (still crying) "Whhhhaaaaaat's wrong with me?! I'm so horrible. I screamed at Thumbelina and everyone I know hates me and I'm a disgusting cow and I just shouldn't be alloooowwwed. Why do I have these beautiful children when I am so tooooxic and I'm going to ruuuuinnn them!" (pauses to catch breathe and then sob again)
Kate: "Honey, I think I need to talk you off the ledge this time..."
Lydia: "And the whole world seems so messed up - everything is so uncertain. Like it all could blow up tomorrow and how am I supposed to be a grown-up with all that going on? And I can't remember anything and I can't put a sentence together and I have lost all perspective and I'm going to have to stop blogging because I have lost my funny foreeeeeevvveeeer."
Kate: "Lydia..."
Lydia: "And all these really sad things have happened in the past couple of years and I can't slow down long enough to process any of them and now I'm losing it."
Kate: "Calm down. You're not losing it. You need a Venti Ralph Macchio. Go to the Starbucks drive-thru."
Lydia: "OK, but I don't think it will help. I think maybe I'm sick. Is there a medication for this?"
Kate: "You are not sick and you don't need meds - most of what you just described is the Blur. We both know you haven't slept in a week, you have PMS and the baby is sick - and that's when the Blur is at its worse. And I don't hear James Brown... Get Up Offa That Thing, Lydia."
Lydia: (messes with iPod - music starts) "That's a lot better, you're right. But even if it's just the Blur I'm still..." (sigh)
Kate: "I know you feel awful. And I hate to tell you this, but you're FINE. All you need is the kids to go to bed early, two size XL glasses of wine, time alone with the Cap'n and a good night's sleep. So just calm down. Because I'm not even there and my shoulder is getting all slimy and drippy."
Lydia: (in Eeyore voice) "OK."
Kate: "Now. Let me ask you a couple of questions. Are you doing the best you can every day?"
Lydia: (gulp) "Yes. Maybe not every day. Every other day."
Kate: "Do you want to be Perfect Mommy?"
Lydia: "Oh HELL no."
Kate: "Do you want to borrow a pair of my shoes for a while?" (laughs uproariously)
Lydia: "Are you nuts?! Do you want me to break an ankle?"
Kate: "Do you want me to buy you an UsWeekly?"
Lydia: "Yes, please."
Kate: "Did you know Rob Pattinson is on the cover?"
Lydia: "Oh goody! Meet me at Starbucks!
Kate: "That's my girl! See you in 15."
Lydia: "You know why I'm awesome? No mascara! Think what I could look like right now!" (long pause) "Oh. I just noticed my shirt is on inside out." (confusing noise - cries for five seconds then quickly giggles in response to her own stupidity)
Kate: "Of course it is. And that's why you're awesome."

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  1. Thank you! We've all had these blur induced moments. I wish I had my Kate(s) within driving distance of Starbucks instead of scattered across the globe. Being a mommy is hard - and being an Army mommy? Well, I'll just leave that to your imagination...

  2. That usually happens to me in the shower, its pretty much the only time I am alone... Hang in there Mommies!! {hugs}

  3. Oh thank you. I had one of those epic fails of a day yesterday too. Topped off by the $150 Verizon bill that we received yesterday although we don't have Verizon service anymore. That was just the cherry on top of the crap cake.

    You guys made me smile and feel better. I hope that oogling Rob made Lydia feel better. Although I don't know how I feel about his latest interview- he is allergic to vajaja?

  4. Sadly, I will publicly admit to a moment like this.

    Only I wasn't alone in my car. Nope, that would have been a blessing.

    I was in a very public place- standing in line at Starbucks with my Brother in Law.

    My then-6mo had been up all night for three nights, and I was having my first round of nursing a biting, clawing teething baby.

    Everything at home was in a constant land-slide of dysfunction, and it was chaos.

    We are standing in line, and I was completely savoring the kid-less calm, when the hilarity rose up from my belly like a morbid bubble.

    I started laughing. The giggles grew to chuckles, the chuckles to maniacal screeching. I could not stop. Internally, I grasped at every ounce of self-control I had, but none was to be found. I laughed so hard, so loudly and for so long that every eye in the store was on me.
    Tears streamed down my cheeks. My stomach cramped from exertion, and yet the bubbles of crazy laughter still came up, from that blurry part deep inside of me. It was like every frustration, every feeling I had had for six months had settled inside me, only to explode out like a shaken soda bottle.

    I decided I had snapped. They would have to drive me off to the loony bin.

    Then, it got worse.

    I realized I had to pee. Badly. I mean, like NOW.

    I realized I had absolutely no control over my body- it had given over to the task of shrieking laughter.

    I realized that I was very publicly, as the center of attention, peeing my pants.

    Think I mean just a little, like many post-partum moms?

    Nope. I mean the whole shebang. I mean as in my Brother-in-law almost refused to let me back into the truck.

    I peed my pants in Starbucks.

    When the hilarity subsided, I was left emotionally and physically drained and humiliated. I felt like I had just had a good cry. I wondered what the people in the store could have possibly thought of this crazy lady who walks in, snaps, and pees ALL OVER THE PLACE.

    I decided never to go in there again.
    Want to top it off? I spent the next two hours wearing a towel as a sarong as my sister laundered my lower half garments. Now THAT is love.

  5. Oh Lydia, Sarah makes me cry too, inappropriately, mostly. We saw her a few years ago and I couldn't stop crying, talk about embarrassing. Hope Rob and Starbucks helped!!

  6. I kinda liked you two before (because I rarely have time to read your blog with 2 toddlers & a new baby), but I just went from "kinda liking" you to "love & respecting" you for this. Thank YOU both for making me feel insanely normal. You two are lucky to have each other & we're all lucky to have you both...

  7. Having a friend who will buy you US Weekly and deliver it to you at Starbucks in your time of need is priceless. You guys are a match made in heaven!

  8. I have these days more often than I would like to admit! Lydia and Kate, you are both so wonderful! Rants from MommyLand is the first site I go to on my computer every morning. It gives me a boost of that "I'm not alone in the Mommy world" confidence. :) Thanks for all of your awesomeness!!!

  9. I feel bad laughing but I think it's okay when it's with and not at. I had a similar moment a few weeks ago on the staircase at work. It really fostered a lot of confidence around the office on my ability to be an attorney.

    Wish I had an usweekly and Starbucks rather than a Comp file and a water.

  10. BEEN there. Done that. Starbucks and Rob= Perfect pick-me-up!!! Good save, Kate!

  11. I had my moment a week ago, in Disney! I pretty much cried through Micky's Phillharmonic 4-D show. Thank god for sunglasses! I really thought I should be on meds, who cries in DisneyWorld?! So thanks for making me laugh at myself!

  12. Lydia darling, I too have had melt downs. Ask your Uncle about me wandering aimlessly in KMart aisles when let out alone years ago.

    You are one of the BEST MOMMIES out there. I CAN TELL! I have OODLES of years of experience, and my three are turning out ok in spite of me.
    Aunt Mary

  13. Robert Pattinson and caffine will cure my Mommy meltdowns anyday!

  14. OMG i've had this moment all week. Trying to finish putting the house together that we just moved into a few weeks ago in time for a 3 year olds birthday party this weekend. 18 month old says nothing but NO! My mom is visiting a week. I had to cancel my online classes cuz I had no time to do homework. The breaking point was the screws for my new curtain fixures that WOULD NOT GO IN. I totally broke down crying in the car on the way to taking Hubby lunch at the office. Just BAWLING. A cig (in know bad mommy but it was needed) some chocolate and buying new curtains helped. All mommies have this melt down. We all have normal healthy happy AWSOME kids because we meltdown. Just imagine what you'd be like if you DIDN"T occasionally let it all hang out.

  15. It's like you're spying on me! It's nice to know we've all been there.

    And I wanted to say to Kristi: I love you for sharing that. I haven't done that...yet...but I realize I'm always just one more sleepless night away from pissing myself in public. Hugs to you!

  16. Been there. The above conversation is the exact transcript of a conversation I had with friend today. Is Rob in a soaking. wet. t-shirt. on the US Weekly? I'll see you at Starbucks in 15.

  17. Oh, Lydia! We have all been there, haven't we. It's so great that you have Kate to pick you back up! We love you!




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