Wednesday, February 24, 2010

Lydia Loses Her Schmidt

Lydia had a bad week. And then, she was given the (rare) opportunity to run an errand all by herself. While alone in her car, she just lost it. At that exact moment, perhaps using friend ESP, Kate called:

Lydia: (sobbing - answers cell phone while driving) "Huh-huh-lo?"
Kate: "What's the matter?! Are the kids OK?!"
Lydia: "They're fiinnnnne. They're at hooommmme. I'm alone in the car and I just started cryyyyying and now I can't stoooooppp."
Kate: "What happened, sweetie?"
Lydia: "F*cking Sarah McLachlan came on the iPod and I started thinking about everything and I just started cryinnnggggg."
Kate: "Oh Lyd. Remember what we talked about? Alone in the car is not a good time for you. You're very prone to upset. Remember the rule we talked about?"
Lydia: (hiccuping and trying to stop crying) "I know. Only James Brown and Mika and Lady Gaga and stuff when I'm alone in the car. Only happy songs."
Kate: "Right. Do not let the iPod pick. And no women with guitars or pianos or plaintive voices. Remember what happened that time when you heard Tori Amos?"
Lydia: (still crying) "Whhhhaaaaaat's wrong with me?! I'm so horrible. I screamed at Thumbelina and everyone I know hates me and I'm a disgusting cow and I just shouldn't be alloooowwwed. Why do I have these beautiful children when I am so tooooxic and I'm going to ruuuuinnn them!" (pauses to catch breathe and then sob again)
Kate: "Honey, I think I need to talk you off the ledge this time..."
Lydia: "And the whole world seems so messed up - everything is so uncertain. Like it all could blow up tomorrow and how am I supposed to be a grown-up with all that going on? And I can't remember anything and I can't put a sentence together and I have lost all perspective and I'm going to have to stop blogging because I have lost my funny foreeeeeevvveeeer."
Kate: "Lydia..."
Lydia: "And all these really sad things have happened in the past couple of years and I can't slow down long enough to process any of them and now I'm losing it."
Kate: "Calm down. You're not losing it. You need a Venti Ralph Macchio. Go to the Starbucks drive-thru."
Lydia: "OK, but I don't think it will help. I think maybe I'm sick. Is there a medication for this?"
Kate: "You are not sick and you don't need meds - most of what you just described is the Blur. We both know you haven't slept in a week, you have PMS and the baby is sick - and that's when the Blur is at its worse. And I don't hear James Brown... Get Up Offa That Thing, Lydia."
Lydia: (messes with iPod - music starts) "That's a lot better, you're right. But even if it's just the Blur I'm still..." (sigh)
Kate: "I know you feel awful. And I hate to tell you this, but you're FINE. All you need is the kids to go to bed early, two size XL glasses of wine, time alone with the Cap'n and a good night's sleep. So just calm down. Because I'm not even there and my shoulder is getting all slimy and drippy."
Lydia: (in Eeyore voice) "OK."
Kate: "Now. Let me ask you a couple of questions. Are you doing the best you can every day?"
Lydia: (gulp) "Yes. Maybe not every day. Every other day."
Kate: "Do you want to be Perfect Mommy?"
Lydia: "Oh HELL no."
Kate: "Do you want to borrow a pair of my shoes for a while?" (laughs uproariously)
Lydia: "Are you nuts?! Do you want me to break an ankle?"
Kate: "Do you want me to buy you an UsWeekly?"
Lydia: "Yes, please."
Kate: "Did you know Rob Pattinson is on the cover?"
Lydia: "Oh goody! Meet me at Starbucks!
Kate: "That's my girl! See you in 15."
Lydia: "You know why I'm awesome? No mascara! Think what I could look like right now!" (long pause) "Oh. I just noticed my shirt is on inside out." (confusing noise - cries for five seconds then quickly giggles in response to her own stupidity)
Kate: "Of course it is. And that's why you're awesome."

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