Monday, February 15, 2010

The Mini-Surrender

Daisy B. -- before she introduced us all to the world of the MOS and became MommyLand famous -- said that there should be mitigating factors to The Surrender. For example, you couldn't "officially" surrender if you:

1) were France [haha...OK, that was funny only to me...that doesn't count]
1) had on lipstick or,
2) had your hair in a headband

OK, with that in mind, Kate -- being the Kate that she is -- has determined what does, and more importantly, what does NOT, save you from The Surrender.

From the top:

  1. Shower -- Unless you're headed to work immediately after doing the morning drop-off, I am all about waiting for the blissful silence of no (or fewer) children at home to take a shower. But when you're still an un-showered, now Stinky Hot Mess when you return hours later for pick-up, well, that's just sad. Think of this rule as sort of the Maximum Security Prison Mandate: If you're not showered by noon, you're in Solitary. And if it's the same situation the next day, we get to turn the hoses on you.
  2. Shave -- Totally dependent on the season. I'm all in favor of shaving year-round, but I'll make accommodations to weather, time restrictions and spousal joie de vivre. Here's the crux, girls. We don't want to see it. Not on your legs, definitely not under your arms, and, as Samantha would say, when it comes to bikinis, "I could be on death row and have that situation under control." When it comes to beach attire, we'd prefer your children, and not your bikini line, be the thing left unattended. There are life guards for the kids.
  3. Sober/Hungover -- It's one thing to wistfully mention to friends that it's 8AM and you could already use a drink. We all went through the 2 hour Fraternity Hazing Ritual called Get The Kids Ready For School. But pouring a scotch? Feel free, but we will be worse than Judge Judy, because we'll be all pointy-fingery behind your back. Which may make us bitches, but still makes you drinking at 8AM. As for hungover, we've all done it. Begged our kids to "pleasepleasebequietforMommyjustthisonetime." And all the other moms will enjoy a hearty, though quiet, laugh in your face and at your expense. And offer you disgusting things like scrambled eggs and leftover Bloody Mary mix from the fridge. Do it for the third or seventh or 26th time, and you're facing a pack of Perfect Mommys suggesting your nourish your inner aspect. And by that we mean stop breathing on us.
  4. Headband -- No and no and no. Mostly because she wears them to keep her wonky bangs out of her eyes when she's at the gym. And even if not, are you eight? Headbands? Is it 1986 preppy St. Louis? Is the collar of your IZOD flipped up? Stop. STOP. Headbands are not OK. And for Lydia, who re-fashions the sleeves of OLD t-shirts into headbands, and wears them after she puts them on her dog's snout, it's so not OK that I'm amazed I have to type it. They almost augment the surrender, not mitigate it. Here's a quick check list: if your style AT ALL resembles any flashback scene from a modern movie, it is not something you want to be wearing outside of the range of October 26th to November 2. [Editor's Note: I just re-read this and was confused...I'm referring to Halloween. Halloween Parties. Or Halloween Themed Events. Basically, a headband is part of a costume. Sadly, it took me like five minutes to remember this...stupid empty glass of wine. -Kate]
  5. Sunglasses -- A great pair and you're channeling Jackie O. A bad pair and you're a hungover Paris Hilton. After that, it's all about the attitude, girls. You wanna hide your face? Be classy about it. Have some mystique, some complementary accessories, some clean clothes. Otherwise, you look like you're heading home all walk-of-shame-y, wondering where your panties are and unable to face the sun, much less your kid's teacher.
  6. Mascara -- A possibility. However, the pivotal question? Is your face clean, moisturized and with a fresh coat of Loreal? Or are you glopping it on what you had on yesterday, with yesterday's remnants hastily dug out of the ever-deepening wrinkles under your eyes?? Be honest, Moms. Did that Two Buck Chuck take you to bed before you washed your face last night? Because a two-day pile-on is like channelling Tammy Faye can rake leaves with those things. Is that what you want? You start off taking your kids to school and wind up farmed out to de-foilage up the neighborhood Country Club? Do you really want to be mistaken for a common shed tool? Point is, wash your face last night and we're good. Mascara away...with my blessings.
  7. Lip Gloss -- Has serious potential to take a surrender and make it a strategic offensive maneuver. Think fresh, light, shiny but not gloppy. One caveat: make sure breath and teeth match fresh light shiny lip gloss. Otherwise, you're the human equivalent of a Halls' Watermelon Eucalyptus Throat Lozenge. Pretty little packaging, eyebrow-melting odor.
  8. Top Half -- You may have spilled coffee on your way to school. You may have a kid with a runny nose and a proclivity for burying said nose in your shoulder. You may have even worn the same shirt for the past three days. We have ALL been there. The rule for Top Half is simple and Unbending. Three words: Wear. A. Bra.
  9. Bottom Half -- If they have a hole that wasn't intended to be there as part of the design by Calvin Klein or Michael Kors or any other famous gay man, it's a No. If it has a button or a snap on one side, and a corresponding buttonhole or other snap on the other end, and those ends aren't meeting, it's a No. If there's a pouch in the front, and you are neither pregnant nor recently postpartum -- or a marsupial -- it's a No.
  10. Sneakers -- We've hit the place Kate now refers to as the grey area...she's become kinda partial to her most hideous bum-tightening ugly-as-f*ck sneakers. Here's the fine line: if you look like Surrender Kate AND you're in those Godforsaken shoes, just go back to bed, you pathetic girl. If, however, you're showered, shaved, headband-free, hungover-free and sunglasses-free, freshly mascara-ed, lipglossed, AND wearing a cute shirt (like an Anthropoligie tunic) cute jeans, and still sporting said funky shoes, repeat after me. "Suck it. Suck it. Suck it." When someone looks at you wonky, say "Suck it." When your McLovin says, "Nice, ummm, shoes?" say "Suck it." When Lydia laughs, yell, "SUUUUUUCK IT!!!"
They're just jealous.

You win.

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