Thursday, February 4, 2010

Self Reflection with Lydia

It's the end of week three of my Commitment to Vanity. Quick recap: Pounds lost: 6. Pounds lost in the past week: 0. Number of showers taken in the past week: 5.

Not good, people. So I decided to take the bull by the horns and head over to the Walmarts (yes, 'the Walmarts' - that's how we say it). I bought some important items to speed up my progress:
  1. A size XXL bovine sports bra
  2. Teeth whitening strips
  3. A full-length mirror
  4. Snack food that will help make my ass smaller
The bra was purchased for a very obvious reason. My boobs are so enormous that my magical but rude Wii Fit was bound to comment on them pretty soon and I just can't have that. "It's been four days since your last Body Test. Training every day helps you meet your fitness goals. Have you had implants? You look like you should be wearing an orange tank top and serving wings, Lydia." Also, I was in imminent danger of having one of them fly up and slap me in the face. So, no thank you. Hence, sports bra.

Moving on to my teeth - they're heinous and vile. You see, I love coffee and Charles Shaw Shiraz. I am lucky that my teeth are only yellow and not a charming magenta/brown color. I actually have to work hard to make sure the amount of water or juice that I drink every day is greater, ounce per ounce, than the amount of coffee and wine.  I am so pitiful.

We'll get to the mirror in a minute. Let me digress slightly. The day I brought all the booty home from the Walmarts, the Cap'n saw it and was immediately like: "How much did it all cost?" And I told him and he look a little unnerved and then came to the question we all knew was coming. Holding up the teeth whitening strips, he says: "Did you use a coupon for this? There was a $5 coupon in the paper recently."

And the crazy thing was - I was like "Woo hoo! FIVE DOLLARS off!" And I mentally planned how I was going to return the whitening strips and then re-buy them with the coupon and be all: "Guess what, Crest and Walmarts? I got my five dollars back! Suck it!" and then go buy a latte. At which point, at least in the cosmic sense, Starbucks would be all smug and happy, while calculating that they made a $4.79 profit on my stupid latte.

Anyway, then the Cap'n (you know how he is about spending money) was super nice and said: "It's OK. You got all this stuff to make yourself even prettier for me. Thank you." And he gave me a kiss and headed out of the room. At which point I had two simultaneous thoughts:

  1. You are awesome, Mister, and there's going to be some relations in your near future.
  2. It's not for you. It's for Kate. So she'll stop sighing at the sight of my yoga pants/sweatshirt combo. [Editor's Note: More than world peace. More than [insert random sad global event here] Please please no more yogapantsweatshirtclogs for the love of all that's Holy in the world. -- Kate]
So then, I spent some time in front of the mirror. Let me tell you a little something. I haven't had a full-length mirror since we sold our house in early 2002. The house we moved into after that had these enormous bathroom mirrors, that pretty much showed you all your parts - provided you didn't care about ankles and feet or were willing to step on a stool. [Imagine the Maude face combined with a Charlie-Brown-exasperated-yell face -- this is what I did when I heard about her lack of mirror. For the record, in McGee's room, if you open up her French Door closet doors, and face them just right, you have the mirror-on-mirror action going on. I am literally my own line of Rockettes. Do I use this mirror EVERY morning? Even Yesser. Do I do the perfectly sychronized kickline? Sometimes. When the outfit demands it...Lydia is Maude-facing me now. I can just feel it. - Kate]

We moved into our current house in the summer of 2005. There were no mirrors and it never occurred to me to buy one. Since mid-2005, if I wanted to see my whole body, I had to go out on the deck and look at my reflection in the sliding glass doors leading into the dining room.  So basically, for the past NINE YEARS I haven't really taken a good, long look at my whole self in the mirror. This Commitment to Vanity (and Kate invoking the big gun - Tim Gunn) have made me see that it's time for some serious self-reflection. But consider, the last time that I regularly looked at myself and preened and tweaked and was somewhat pleased with my reflection was late 2001 or early 2002. I was 28. And it was before I had kids. GOOD LORD WHAT HAPPENED?

But my horror and revulsion are good. Positive. You see I can't bear to look at this every day so I must change it. After 3 kids in 5 years, I knew there would be changes but for Pete's sake. The Cap'n is clearly a Prince among men - no, a King. Because I can't stand the sight of myself and he appears to still be crazy about me. Thank GOD for miracles. The mirror is good, not evil. Say it again and again until you believe it, self.

Things my new full-length mirror has shown me:

  • I have not been vain all these years. I have been afraid. Turns out with very good reason.
  • Cropped pants are a very bad idea. Makes self look like obese Hobbit. Throw away. No wait. Recycle as PJ's. [No. NO. Lyd -- go with your FIRST instinct...throw away. Throw. Away. ... Promptly. Please...please throw them away. - Kate]
  • Yoga pants really v. flattering. Possible to buy little man, Tom Cruise-style platform sneakers so as to make myself taller and therefore slimmer?
  • Favorite grey sweatshirt actually horribly squashy, boobs akimbo, fat roll showy offy nightmare. Have been wearing for 15 years. Very disheartening.
  • Look actually ok from full front or full back but lumpy/horrifying/pauchy from side. How to fix this? Try sucking in breathe. Oh... Not a good plan. Now just appear to be constipated and out of breathe from exertion of looking at myself in the mirror.
  • Crap. Kate totally right. Skirt and tights combo looks way better than either yoga pants or jeans. Editor's Note: Just. Hand. Me. The. Damn. Nobel. Prize. NOW. For whatever. Keep the cash prize...I want vindication. Ahhhhhhhhhhhhh. - Kate]
  • Dang. Have only one pair of tights. Must ask Cap'n if there are any coupons for black tights.
  • Whew. Skirts/tights/heels combo ridiculous. Ha! Suck it, Fancy. Looks like a mountain teetering on unstable, pointy things. Replace with fancy clogs. Ah... perfection.  I have no doubt that Kate will need to make some anti-clog statement right about now. [Editor's Note AGAIN: Get ready, Auntie Fancy (get that, like Anti-Fancy, like ANTIFREEZE...) I'm totally doing the skirt/tights/heels tomorrow and you're gonna jaw drop and your Maude face is gonna have to turn itself INSIDE-FREAKIN'-OUT and you'll be Maude-facing just WAIT sister. -F.A.N.C.Y.]
  • Head is abnormally small. As if it should be the size of a volleyball but is instead the size of a baseball. This is alarming. Fluff out hair. Does not help. No amount of Wii Fit is going to fix this. Am side-show freak. This experiment is OVER.
So then I stupidly decided to hop on the old Wii Fit, anyway. I was expecting some rude comment but instead I got some crap about how I need to be patient and know that my hard work will pay off. Oh. Fantastic. Now I am being patronized by a stupid magical thingee. Damn it.

I needed some coffee, a carb free snack and some incentive. I needed a sign. I was about to give up and eat what was left of the Christmas chocolate. I looked over at the little terror suspects who were uncharacteristically quiet and sweet. They were curled up in a heap snuggling and watching Phinneas and Ferb. The Cap'n walked by and winked. Then the phone rang. Kate, of course. She loved that I bought a mirror and immediately launched into hilarious banter. [That's when I told her about the Rockettes Dance's AWESOME!!! - Kate] Ok, I get it, God. I'll try again tomorrow.

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