Friday, February 19, 2010

Top Ten Questions Tiger Doesn't Want Us To Ask

So, Tiger may be talking this morning (at 11am eastern - an we'll be LIVE blogging!). But it isn't a press conference. Because he's not taking questions from the press. Why? We wondered the same thing. So we asked some unnamed sources (who actually watch golf) what they would ask Mr. Woods.

10. From a physical standpoint, how the hell did you ever win a tournament? You spent every night playing skank tag - how did you even manage to make your tee time? Did you have to take supplements? Did Red Bull give you wings?
9. Did you have a favorite er... lady? Because they all look like they have chlamydia lame compared to your wife.

8. When Elin found out that "playing 18 holes" had a special meaning in your world - what was colder? The country of Sweden or the ice pack on your onions?

7. In that same vein of questioning, your taste in women ranges from Swedish swimsuit models to porn stars to Waffle House waitresses, but, would you tap this? ---------------------------------->

6. When you heard the news about John Edwards, were you like:
(a) I want to party with that guy
(b) Just one chick? P*ssy.
(c) That's not that bad.
(d) Sorry, I was texting a porn extra I met near Augusta;
(e) Hey, Rielle? You play golf?

5. Your GOLF game is consistently below par, but your "play" was described as sub par. How do you respond to that?

4. New Sponsors: Viagra? or Z-Pak? or Massengill?

3. We've heard reports of possible pregnancies. Using a golf analogy, didn't you put a cover on your clubs? No? Then did you at least use the ball washer?

2. Would you consider endorsing a ball washer? Here's the tag line: "If you can't keep your balls on the fairway and your putter in your pants - try the Tiger Woods ball washer! For a cleaner weiner!"

1. Did you ever throw your caddy the "ugly friend"?

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