Tuesday, February 9, 2010

The Truth about Lydia

I deal with the same crap pretty much every day. And while I would not change my situation for anything, I am tired of the crap. I am embarrassed by it. But collectively, I have come to believe I am defined by it. In a nutshell, I am crap. So I have decided to compile some of it into a pile list:

Some Unfortunate Truths about Lydia, Mom of Three and Perpetual Trainwreck

  • No matter how early I get up, my morning always degenerates into a stress-filled, clusterf$#k of lateness. Always. With the last ten minutes that I am in the house whizzing by in what seems like 20 seconds with me screeching to PUT ON YOUR SHOES and my kids stomping around all mad and then having to drive like a maniac to get to school before the first bell. Horrific. Every day.
  • My children are incapable of putting toothpaste onto a toothbrush without spraying it all over, not just the sink, but the entire bathroom and also themselves. On their shirts, in their hair, and even on the ceiling a couple of times. I mean everywhere. Except their teeth. I know this will happen. And yet, I get annoyed every time.
  • The baby appears to be cutting new teeth ALL THE TIME. And therefore NOT sleeping. She grows new molars like my geriatric, popsicle-stealing dog sheds his fur - prolifically and with no break in between bouts. I now actively resent each new molar.
  • It's February, so at least one person in my house is bound to be sick. And if one or more of the sick people are kids, the Cap'n will have a major work emergency. Leaving me to deal with the entire cycle of illness by myself. And even I know it is in bad taste to take three sick kids into Trader Joe's for the sole purpose of buying Charles Shaw Shiraz. I sometimes do it anyway, because I am over dealing with the cycle alone and completely sober.
  • The Cap'n's jokes are still hilarious to me, even after hearing them 12,436 times. Example: a Starbucks carmel machiatto is a Ralph Macchio. He will order me a Venti Ralph Macchio and then say "Thanks a Latte" with a completely straight face. It. Is. So. Awesome.
  • I am always behind on housework. I am bad at housework. I think it's because I have attention deficit or some other procrastation-related disorder when it comes to doing things that I hate. Like scrubbing toilets. Therefore, my house is not tidy. Except for when we are having company. Then the pre-visitor cleaning frenzy starts. I hand over the kids to the Cap'n, get my bitch on, and clean the whole enchilada [editor's note: not me, that would be gross. - Kate] from top to bottom. It stays clean approximately 37 seconds. Which may be the other reason I am bad at housework. Because of the soul-sucking futility.
  • Also, my house is not only messy but is decorated as if it were a demented preschool. It is horrifying. The "art" on my walls is held up by scotch tape.
  • I wear cheap black t-shirts almost everyday. Why you ask? Because black is slimming? Because the Cap'n doesn't appreciate the need for a wardrobe line-item in the family budget? No. Because I spill coffee on myself. All the time. Like maybe every day. Just ask Kate - it drives her crazy. And black cotton hides coffee stains better than anything else.
  • Also, I use my small children as an excuse to wear cheap, coffee-stained shirts. The kids are sticky and dirty and rub their noses on me. So at 8am I am clean. By 8:15, I have coffee, boogers and apple juice staining the "shelf" of my shirt. So why buy nice things when they last about four wearings? After that, the only thing my old shirts are good for is wiping up messes and waxing the car.
  • I am perpetually exhausted but, oddly, never too tired to watch Twilight on cable. Last night the Cap'n asked me how many days in a row I was going to watch at least some part of Twilight on cable. I was like, how about every day? Forever. Or until the rest of the movies come out and are on cable and then they will run on our TV in a never-ending loop. Of awesomeness.
  • I have become the kind of mother I used to make fun of in NJ where I grew up. There we had a lot of mama's boys - proud mama's boys. Men who would live at home until they were thirty, their mom cooking and cleaning for them, with this weird co-dependence that seemed completely whacked. Like if you said anything against their sainted mother they would freak out and start ramming things with their Camaros. Now I see a young man of 30, living at home and praising his mother's cooking and I think: "So, he loves his mother. He appreciates all that she does for him. As he should. That's beautiful. Of course, nobody will ever love him like his mutha. Whaddya talking about? He's a GOOD BOY and he loves his mutha. There ain't nothing wrong with that, so shut the hell up." Sigh. What have I become?
  • I no longer love my dog the way I used to. I am ashamed of this. But he just sits there, shedding and breathing his foul breath all over me and knocking the baby over with his tail. And it's like he lives to start barking or howling every time the baby has started a REM sleep cycle. And he continues to raid the trash of the most disgusting things he can find and then eat them next to my side of the bed. And that is modeling bad behavior for the baby who is now trying to do the same thing. Things have gotten so bad that last week Hawk looked at him and said: "Woodygodamit! Stop barking!" I am a bad mother to small children and dogs.
  • I used to be able to shake things off. I could always "let it go". Now I hold on to everything as if I'm made of velcro. I fixate. I ruminate. I seethe. I act crazy. These characteristics do not contribute to good mental health. And if I talk about it, it only makes me want to talk about it more. Which doesn't really make the whole fixate thing any better. The only thing that does seem to help is this blog. I am so grateful for it. I am much less of a b*tch thanks to Rants from Mommyland. It gives me something sort of healthy and productive to get all wierd about.

Well, there it is. I hope you feel better about yourselves, mommies. Sigh... Don't judge me. I can't help how I am. But guess what? By this time next year, my commitment to vanity will have heaped self-improvement all over the dang place and I will practically be Gwenyth Paltrow. Then you can judge me.


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24 comments:

  1. I love this...well everything on this blog is amazing and I know just how you feel. I felt like such s*&#bag when i would yell at the dog so we gave him a better dog life and gave him away. He is super happy now and so am I. I no longer have to vacuum 500 times a day. Oh in regards to the black shirt...I know how you feel...it's like WTHeck did I get dressed up for....let's put on a T-shirt! BUT those new Tide Stain remover tabs you put in the washer...work miracles!! Plus doesn't it feel good to dress up and feel pretty and colorful?

    As for the house, screw it...we have kids...yes...we need cleanliness and order but should you spend your whole life cleaning, NO!!! Tidy up, it's gonna get messy again but when your children are older at least they can say mom spent time with us...and have great memories...not just memories of you cleaning....ALL THE TIME!!!

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  2. I could have written this post myself. Almost everything about it describes me in some way (even the obsessive Twilight watching).

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  3. I can also totally relate about the dog thing - I feel like all we do is yell at him (old man that he is) and now he's taken to eating totally disgusting waste from our bathroom garbage. I feel your pain!

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  4. you forgot to mention they also get the toothpaste on the showercurtain

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  5. I feel a little bad that this made me laugh. But it did... a lot. And I loved every minute of it. :) Especially the black t-shirts. I would SO do that if I didn't have to be all... working.

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  6. Of course Team Edward!!

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  7. This blog totally cracked me up. Our dogs have taken a back seat to our children and spend a lot of time outside or being yelled at. Accompaning our dogs in the backseat of life is also the cleaning. My house is far from perfect. Some days it's fine, other's it drives me crazy. But life isn't about cleaning messes. Now I just wish my kids would nap already so I can watch Twilight. Go Team Edward!!!!

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  8. Right there with you. I used to make fun of Mama's boys, now I pray my one-year-old son will go to college in town and live with us. And soul-sucking futility is not something I Truly understood until I became a wife and now mother to my own terrorist who thinks he's "helping" Mama by pulling the sugar off the counter and throwing it like confetti and then doing the same to the laundry basket, his toy shelves, the bathroom counter, etc, etc... All that aside. I hope I have at Least a couple more just like him. LOL Team Jacob(for me) Edward(for Bella) LOL

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  9. Oh thank you. THANK. YOU.
    My train is so far off the track-- I think it derailed, rolled down a mountain, and came to rest in some large body of water. "Train wreck" doesn't even start to describe it.
    But as long as we can laugh at our little people screaming obscenities at the dog (the same dog who used to be so important that he was the ring bearer in my wedding, mind you) I think we are going to be okay.
    And, didn't you know that bathroom ceilings and toothpaste are both white so that it doesn't matter when the kids (or husband) spray it all over? I tell myself that to keep my head from blowing off of my head.

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  10. Bravo Lydia - you make me feel normal. I have 6 year old triplets, and although they are at school, their home time is still 7 hours a day. I can't stand doing housework and procrastinate like crazy.
    Take a deep breath and enjoy life as it is since there's not much we could do to change anything :o)

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  11. I feel so much better after reading your blog and everyone's comments about the poor dog. Our dog used to be our baby, and now I'm like "how much longer are you going to live??" He has forgotten his house-training, ran away today and yesterday, and the other night wandered off into a snow drift (and I thought he had run away and was all over the neighborhood). I have a 3.5-yr-old and a 2-yr-old and I'm pregnant and I need all this like a hole in the head.
    And "soul-sucking futility" is the PERfect way to describe housecleaning.

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  12. Dear Anonymous who's dog is STILL living...

    Can we be your best friends? My dog is on a 27-pill a day routine at some cost that exceeds whatever pair of shoes you'd like to compare it to, his back leg doesn't work, the vets gave him 3-6 months to live, and we are now on Year 2, and while he's my first baby I'm kinda sick of carrying him up the freakin' stairs forty times a day. And right now he's in my favorite chair, snoring. But you can't kick him out, cuz it's like punting your doddering grampa out of his favorite whittlin' chair. So we wait...I think he's mocking me.
    xo Kate

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  13. After my kids were born, one Thanksgiving I was going to make my million times great grandmother's recipe for cornbread dressing (don't do that stuffing stuff) and so baked two batches of corn bread and left them out with a loaf of white bread to go stale to make breadcrumbs. Stupid neurotic dog at all of it over night! Even ate the stupid paper towel so I didn't even notice for about an hour Grrrr. Almost gave him away then, now he's going on 13 and is pretty mellow, but the arthritis drugs aren't cheap (wonder if they work on people pain... nah, they smell like dog treats, I'm not that desperate!)

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  14. whoa that was like mommy confession 2010. What does it mean that I have almost exactly the same crap on my list?

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  15. Al Carbon. It means you're *awesome*.

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  16. New to blog, dont even have children, thinking now of going on birthcontrol for ever and practically died laughing. must know, do you two have a book in the works? That is a serious question btw!

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  17. We don't have a book in the works...yet! Are you a publisher??? Lydia is standing here with a bottle of champagne ready to shake-and-spray if you say yes...or to just guzzle it down if you say no...but that's still great because she can sing "My Fair Lady" and burp at the same time!
    xoxo Kate

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  18. omg that stuff about the dog just made me laugh so hard i cried...that is my house to a tee!

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  19. The steaming pot roast had JUST been put on the table for Sunday dinner. The IHPs had been sent to wash their hands before dinner -- a foolish attempt to get them to cease and desist from beating each other to paste. Mashed potatoes? In the bowl. Green beans? Check. The beverages are poured, and the salad just about ready. (The next thing that happens takes place in less time that in takes to slice half a tomato.) Herky, our Dachshund of Mach 5 Speed, comes in through the dog door, does a quick trot around the house (presumably to gain maximum speed), runs into the kitchen, jumps on a chair next to the table, grabs the whole pot roast in his jaws of doom, bounces off of an opposite chair, and runs straight back out the dog door. Wait ... what? But...? Okay, who wants PB+J sammies?

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  20. today is my first day meeting this blog, and i'm already in love. i'm pretty sure i'm a lydia. is that a thing? i think so.

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  21. My dog has slipped down the hierarchy from number one (imagined on his part) to number five (reality) and doesn't know what to do with himself. He drives me crazy and my husband too but we're his second home and I can't imagine giving him away. He's a 7 year old bulldog and it's like he has a 70 year old man trapped inside with all the farting, snoring, coughing up of gross white sludge, foot dragging, and general gross habits. If my 22 month old twins didn't love him he'd be gone. Thankfully he's so lazy I barely have to walk him and he sleeps a lot.

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  22. The dog, ohhhh the dog! She gets into so much trouble just because her breath STINKS, she wants in, she wants out, she sniffs around the table at dinner, gets under your feet during dinner prep, insists on covering my lounge with hair, worst of all - CARPETS our wooden floors with fur continuously because she's a Husky and NEVER stops shedding.

    I feel bad for dumping on her some times, but really - I just can't look after one more thing!! :(

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  23. Oh. My. Goodness. I could copy this and replace the title with Truths about Tiffany. I am perpetually coffee stained, snot stained, what the hell is that stained (thanks for the 411 on the black shirts). I have four monkeys, and three of them are under three. I also babysit, so it is a house of crazy here All. the. time. My poor ten year old has the same fond memories I do of when he was an only child. I am in a love hate relationship with my dog, for ALL of those same reasons. I find my husband to be hilarious, and this being our seventeenth anniversary this year is saying something. (*we married very young) So thank you thank you thank you for helping me look at the complete absurtidy of this life and to appreciate the good in it. It is keeping what little sanity I have from floating away. Keep doing what you guys are doing!!

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