Tuesday, March 9, 2010

(Completely Imaginary) Celebrity Advice Column #5: But Can You Dance?

Dear Kate and Lydia,

I am a mom first. But I am many other things. I am hair-trendsetter. I am a reality TV star. I am dealing with an ex-husband who has been clinically proven to be a major d-bag to 4 out of 5 women. I am also, apparently, a dancer. How do I get all the haters to leave me alone? While still making sure that I can support my kids (which I think has a direct correlation to how many paparazzi stalk me on a given day).

Help a sister out!

Love,
K in PA

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Dear Kate Gosselin,

OK. Let us start by saying that we can appreciate what you said about your ex. When we create the world's first on-line federal d-bag registry, he will totally be on it (somewhere between the childless John Mayer and the also progenous John Edwards). Your ex is ridiculous. And his girlfriends? They are Tiger-worthy, and that's saying something.

But we are going to be honest with you. And, Kate, this might sting a little. Your situation is not his fault. No one made you pimp out your kids and ruin your marriage in exchange for a TV show and lots of dirty, dirty cash. No one made you marry and have EIGHT children with a dude who has the emotional maturity of a chicken salad sandwich.

Yes, he is a manwhore. Yes, he makes extremely questionable fashion choices. And overall dirtbag, douchy behavior since you split up? Even yesser. But c'mon. That doesn't excuse you. You're as big a whore as he is. You are exactly the same. Except he ends up with Chlamydia and Hailey Glassman and you end up with nothing but a big house filled with baaaad mojo and five seasons of reality TV that your children will someday hate you for. Why? Because you are a fame whore.

And what are you famous for? We will tell you what (because it's only
partly what you think). Yes, you are famous for having 8 kids. But mostly, for being an angry, ball-busting, martinet who screamed at her kids and had her husband by the onions until suddenly, she didn't. And we're not haters. We get that you need to be hard-core to run a house and a family. And that it is often draining, thankless, never-ending work. And when that reality was the one that defined your life - no matter how many times you came off sort of b*tchy, we were right there with you.

But now? You cry and complain and fail to see that you made this bed you're in. Lady, you sold your family to TLC - 'to give your children a better life'. Really? How is that working out for you? Because we think they may have been happier living in a small house with their exhausted, frantic, close-to-broke, happily married parents who made them their priority. Now what do your kids have? The big, bad mojo house and puppies and kick*a$$ toys and a pool and 5 star vacations and a broken home and lots of quality time with their nannies. Congratulations. Well done.

You want to know how to get the haters off your back? It's not Dancing with the Stars. Do you really think lumping yourself together with the likes of Pam Anderson and Shannen Doherty is a smart thing to do? Wake up. You need to turn off the spotlight. You need money? You can make a living and leverage your notoriety without pimping your kids, lady. It can be done. How about pitching a book called: "I Put My Kids First and Now You Can't Remember My Name and That Makes Us Both Awesome" or alternate title: "How I told TLC and My Ex to Suck It (and Got Back to Wiping Noses and Folding Laundry)".

Do that, Kate Gosselin,and in a few years when your kids are big and cute and sweet, and you have some hot, down-to-earth, groovy farmer boyfriend out in rural PA (we're thinking a younger Sam Shepherd type) and everyone is good and well, all of us in MommyLand will lift our T-boxes to your happiness. We wish you and your kids well. So quit being a fame-whore and we'll see you again in five years at which point we will be really, truly happy to see you.

xo, Kate and Lydia

PS -- Please please please lose the extensions. Every time Lydia says, "what a horse's ass..." Kate responds, "Who? Or is it Kate Gosselin's hair again?" They are -- unbelievably -- worse than that whacked out I-love-the-Flock-of-Seagulls hair you used to have. You have eight kids who probably love scissors. Please let them play hairdresser. It's not like they could make it any worse... xo K&L

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3/15/10
*IMPORTANT UPDATE*

Guess who must have read our letter?!  Because three days after we posted this  - look who got rid of her extensions?   I must say it looks much, much better. We love the new bob!  Now, Kate, read the rest of our letter again!  Please!  Sam Shepherd is waiting.


Here she is grabbing a bite to eat with her "Dancing with the Stars" partner.   When Thumbelina was four, she begged me to let her watch it.  It was a big deal.  She was really excited.  So we stayed up late together and made popcorn and poured lemonade and then it came on.  She watched the first two minutes, gave me the Maude face and said: "But where are the stars?" 

Where, indeed.  I love that kid.

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16 comments:

  1. Suggesting that Jon Gosslin has the emotional maturity of a chicken salad sandwich really doesn't do the sandwich justice. Great advice to the fame-whore.

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  2. Ladies, for the first time, i am going to disagree. Barely making it financially with one kiddo, I can't IMAGINE trying to financially support 8, even with an RN's awesome paycheck. That show was like the lottery for them. You can't judge people for trying to feed their kids themselves and NOT being on assistance(Thanks!), Esp normal people who had No idea that show would be so popular or be what it was. I don't blame her one bit for wanting to be on TV instead of wiping rear ends at the hosp and scrubbing toilets at night and Never seeing Any of those kids. And after 13 YEARS as a preschool teacher (8 one-year-olds vs. JUST ME), I GET why she was so b*tchy. Hers never went home at the end of the day and if you ever watched, it was yell at him to help or do it all yourself. And in that sitch, you HAVE to hold tight control, bc once they overtake you, you're Screwed. I GET her. Her only crime was marrying an idiot. After having trouble getting preg, the success numbers are SO low with IV and they tell you you'll be Lucky if your ten grand gets you one munchkin, let alone 6.

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  3. Oh Kate. (Gosselin, not LydiaKate) Kate. Kate. Kate.

    I don't know what else to say. She's just full of bad choices. Hair, Husband, Fame... and now DWTS. *shudder* Who will be watching the kids while she parades around with her dance partner?

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  4. Brava! I am raising my glass of champagne right now. Oh wait. That's not champagne. It's coffee. Because it's inappropriate to drink at 10am. At work. But anyway, this post made me laugh out loud!

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  5. Wow... That was defintely "keepin' it real."

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  6. P.S. I love ya'll Even MORE for posting my comment even tho we disagree. You ladies rock! Love you every day. Used your blog as a reference for my hubs to prove I'm not the only one "bad" at laundry. I have also shown him the equation that leads to angry Mommy. LOL I think he even feels a little better, knowing he's not alone.

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  7. Yes, I found myself laughing out loud while at work myself! Thanks for the chuckle!

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  8. Can Kate just please stop saying she's putting her kids first and she doing it for the kids- that would make me respect her more - Seriously! Why does she always need to say those things anyways?!

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  9. You killed me with "a younger Sam Shepherd." HEE! You are teh awesome.

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  10. Amen! Ok...I'm a single mom who truly does put my child first so now I want my "hot, down-to-earth, groovy farmer boyfriend." Probably not going to happen, I'm too busy to date and I think I'd have to take a shower and shave more often. *sigh* There's always a catch!

    Also, I need clarification. Is the T-Box the same as the Black Box? Thanks ladies..you rock!

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  11. Kate could dance for me. Probably couldn't put it on tv.

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  12. I live in Central PA - not far from where she and the sandwich-like douche lived. They go/went to a church where one of my friends belongs... they were ALWAYS whining about how they were getting screwed by social services and never given enough. Very un-Christian of me, but I want to send her your advice letter :)

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  13. Seriously - your grasp on reality is impressive and your advise is spot-on. If Kate didn't read this she should! And I am loving her new bob. The extentions were creepy and made me think of those body-less Barbie heads. *shudder* Keep on savin' the world ladies - one T-box and celebrity B-slap at a time.

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  14. Anonymous:
    ONE-Kate iss NOT doing ANYTHING for her kids, she's doing it for herself. There's MANY things she could do to raise and financially support a family of 6 kids. She's not the only one in the world who has had 6 kids before. People HAVE made it far better without having to be on a t.v. show. I do understand why she's doing it; it's way easier to get paid that amount of money by dancing your way to the top. It's a choice SHE has made FOR herself and the domino effect will be her children OF COURSE. Come to think of it, she will need all the money she can get; the therapists bill for those kids will be HUGE in a couple of years.

    TWO: She DOES look awesome with the bob haircut.

    LOVE YA LYDIA AND KATE!

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  15. This hair is SO much better, obvious new boobs since the whole divorce!
    LOVE the dancing with the stars comment by Thumbelina!!!

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  16. I know it's over a year later but I've been searching some of your older blogs b/c lately it's my favorite reading material:) I have to share that it is completely satisfying to see her "best sellers" gracing the shelf at our local Dollar Tree store. It makes me happy to know that some people won't even pay a dollar to see her exploit her children. Love your blog!

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