Tuesday, March 9, 2010

(Completely Imaginary) Celebrity Advice Column #5: But Can You Dance?

Dear Kate and Lydia,

I am a mom first. But I am many other things. I am hair-trendsetter. I am a reality TV star. I am dealing with an ex-husband who has been clinically proven to be a major d-bag to 4 out of 5 women. I am also, apparently, a dancer. How do I get all the haters to leave me alone? While still making sure that I can support my kids (which I think has a direct correlation to how many paparazzi stalk me on a given day).

Help a sister out!

K in PA


Dear Kate Gosselin,

OK. Let us start by saying that we can appreciate what you said about your ex. When we create the world's first on-line federal d-bag registry, he will totally be on it (somewhere between the childless John Mayer and the also progenous John Edwards). Your ex is ridiculous. And his girlfriends? They are Tiger-worthy, and that's saying something.

But we are going to be honest with you. And, Kate, this might sting a little. Your situation is not his fault. No one made you pimp out your kids and ruin your marriage in exchange for a TV show and lots of dirty, dirty cash. No one made you marry and have EIGHT children with a dude who has the emotional maturity of a chicken salad sandwich.

Yes, he is a manwhore. Yes, he makes extremely questionable fashion choices. And overall dirtbag, douchy behavior since you split up? Even yesser. But c'mon. That doesn't excuse you. You're as big a whore as he is. You are exactly the same. Except he ends up with Chlamydia and Hailey Glassman and you end up with nothing but a big house filled with baaaad mojo and five seasons of reality TV that your children will someday hate you for. Why? Because you are a fame whore.

And what are you famous for? We will tell you what (because it's only
partly what you think). Yes, you are famous for having 8 kids. But mostly, for being an angry, ball-busting, martinet who screamed at her kids and had her husband by the onions until suddenly, she didn't. And we're not haters. We get that you need to be hard-core to run a house and a family. And that it is often draining, thankless, never-ending work. And when that reality was the one that defined your life - no matter how many times you came off sort of b*tchy, we were right there with you.

But now? You cry and complain and fail to see that you made this bed you're in. Lady, you sold your family to TLC - 'to give your children a better life'. Really? How is that working out for you? Because we think they may have been happier living in a small house with their exhausted, frantic, close-to-broke, happily married parents who made them their priority. Now what do your kids have? The big, bad mojo house and puppies and kick*a$$ toys and a pool and 5 star vacations and a broken home and lots of quality time with their nannies. Congratulations. Well done.

You want to know how to get the haters off your back? It's not Dancing with the Stars. Do you really think lumping yourself together with the likes of Pam Anderson and Shannen Doherty is a smart thing to do? Wake up. You need to turn off the spotlight. You need money? You can make a living and leverage your notoriety without pimping your kids, lady. It can be done. How about pitching a book called: "I Put My Kids First and Now You Can't Remember My Name and That Makes Us Both Awesome" or alternate title: "How I told TLC and My Ex to Suck It (and Got Back to Wiping Noses and Folding Laundry)".

Do that, Kate Gosselin,and in a few years when your kids are big and cute and sweet, and you have some hot, down-to-earth, groovy farmer boyfriend out in rural PA (we're thinking a younger Sam Shepherd type) and everyone is good and well, all of us in MommyLand will lift our T-boxes to your happiness. We wish you and your kids well. So quit being a fame-whore and we'll see you again in five years at which point we will be really, truly happy to see you.

xo, Kate and Lydia

PS -- Please please please lose the extensions. Every time Lydia says, "what a horse's ass..." Kate responds, "Who? Or is it Kate Gosselin's hair again?" They are -- unbelievably -- worse than that whacked out I-love-the-Flock-of-Seagulls hair you used to have. You have eight kids who probably love scissors. Please let them play hairdresser. It's not like they could make it any worse... xo K&L


Guess who must have read our letter?!  Because three days after we posted this  - look who got rid of her extensions?   I must say it looks much, much better. We love the new bob!  Now, Kate, read the rest of our letter again!  Please!  Sam Shepherd is waiting.

Here she is grabbing a bite to eat with her "Dancing with the Stars" partner.   When Thumbelina was four, she begged me to let her watch it.  It was a big deal.  She was really excited.  So we stayed up late together and made popcorn and poured lemonade and then it came on.  She watched the first two minutes, gave me the Maude face and said: "But where are the stars?" 

Where, indeed.  I love that kid.

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