Friday, March 19, 2010

(Completely Imaginary) Celebrity Advice Column: Just like Jesse James

Dear Kate and Lydia,

What the F*%K just happened to me?

Love, S

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Dear Sandra Bullock,

We don't understand this any more than you do. No sane person gets it at all. We just want to say that we are so sorry. So sorry that your husband turned out to be a cheating, low-down, no account, nasty old d-bag. We're sorry for his children, who may now lose the only sane adult in their lives. We're sorry that this has to happen with everyone in the whole world watching. And sorry that 'The Blind Side' and your Oscar win are now linked with the "Best Actress Curse" and all this yuckiness. You don't deserve it.

But let's get down to business. We think we may have a clue as to why this happened. We have diagnosed your husband with "JFK Syndrome" and this deals with typical female archetypes, which is a little sexist, but we're trying to think like your prehistoric ape of a husband, so hear us out.

Jesse James wants to be married to Jackie (beautiful, intelligent, respectable) but Lil' Jesse James (and yes, we do mean little) wants to go to bed with Marilyn (hot, sexy, damaged, dangerous).

We mean no disrespect to Marilyn Monroe, because she's an icon and we love her. And because for Pete's sake, the c-bag your husband has been playing skank tag with for the past eleven months isn't even in the same league. This woman (Michelle "Bombshell" McGee) is horrific. She is described as a "tattooed fetish model and sometime stripper". Why not call her by her real name? The b*tch is a Smelly Pirate Hooker. And according to today's news reports, your husband took her out on the Queen Mary - perhaps in an effort to return to her home on Whore Island.

You see that we have a point, right? I mean his ex-wife is a porn star. His most recent girl friend is a slutty girl-version of Marilyn Manson. Actually, we haven't seen Marilyn Manson in a while. Maybe the descriptions of Ms. Bombshell as a "truckstop tranny" are actually accurate and "she" is in fact really a post-operative Marilyn Manson.

Wait a minute - Marilyn... We keep taking your name in vain and we're sorry about that.

But we digress. The point is you are in the middle of a dirty whore sandwich, with his porn star first wife and post-op Marilyn Manson as the bread. And you need to GET OUT of this dirty whore sandwich of a marriage. You are so much better than this.

And do you know why he is a really bad man? Because according to Marilyn Manson, he likes playing Russian Roulette with his wiener and never wore protection. I mean, what kind of JACKASS does that? Look at her. We're pretty sure one of the tattoos on her back says: "I have Hep C". If that hooker walked past my house, I would spray the whole thing down with Lysol. Seriously, there's not enough Purel in the world to make us shake hands with her.

He may love you, but he loves Lil' Jesse James more than you, more than his kids, and more than his own well being. The man is an idiot. And if he tries to pull a Tiger ("Oh poor me! I couldn't help it because I'm a sex addict!"), just give him the Maude face and walk away.

We read that you've moved out and while it is really sad, it's for the best. Go hang out with friends and family who love you. And we think it's time you learned how to square up. Because he will come back to you groveling, and when he does, put on a pair of motorcycle boots. The ones with steel toes. Then, Sandra, square up and kick that dirtbag's onions to Mars. You will feel so much better.

We're here if you need us.
xo, Kate & Lydia

PS: If you feel like getting your Cher on, sing it with us: "Tonight you're gonna go down in flames!!"
PPS: It's more fun to get your Cher on when you're really drunk.


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