Thursday, March 25, 2010

(Completely Imaginary) Celebrity Advice Column #6: How Do We Love Thee?

Dear Kate & Lydia,


MEEEEEEEEEEEEEE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! (oh, and a little bit you, right.)


Love,
Me

---------------------------
*sigh*

We knew it was only a matter of time that you wrote us, Oprah. And you're just so -- concise and to the point, and exactly what we imagined a letter from you to be like.

We're ever-so-slightly hesitant to write about how we think we can fix you. After all, you're basically in charge of the universe, and you have jillions of fans who would probably kill us if you commanded them to. Umm, please don't...pretty pretty please?

OK, back to your "letter." Since we're not exactly sure how to interpret everything you inquired about -- again, it's amazing just how concise you can be -- we're going to take the proverbial stab in the dark and answer what we think you were asking.
  • Yes. We totally love your show. And your magazine. And your website, TV channel, production studio, the movies you're in, the movies you produced, the movies you voice-acted, your radio show, radio station, your books, your other television channel, your charities, the book club. We didn't miss anything, right? Because we totally love that thing too. Can we just say we're glad it's still called earth? We're pretty sure everything, everyone and everywhere could just be named Oprah if you wanted it that way. So, we love it all. Yeah.

  • Our favorite show? The one where...you...did...the....thing....when...you...were great. Yep. That was the best one. You were so awesome, and so so pretty and...funny. Right? Right! You were so funny. But not in the haha we're laughing at you, but that you totally wanted us to laugh because you were funny. We talk about it, like, every day. Best. Episode. Ever.

  • Oh, absolutely. You're totally relatable. I mean, you talked about your weight struggles, and, we have all totally been there, girlfriend. [Editor's Note: Kate, please stop doing that thing with your head and neck and fortheloveofPete, people don't do the snap Z thing anymore. And she can totally see you. STOP. -Lydia] Oh, and you told us about how our shoes can make us look fat -- and wow, thanks for that...because it used to be that we just worried about the fat making us look fat, and possibly the shoes distracting from it...and now we know better...and that's just....so....super. And you let us see your home(ssssss) and meet your designers and your chefs and your interior decorators and, gosh, don't we all get tired of seeing our own faces of the cover of our eponymously named magazine?

  • What do we love best about you? Clearly your ability to levitate. Because we [ok, Kate] notice your shoes and how you -- amazingly -- never have scuffs on those amazing red soles. Ever. So, either you're constantly walking on - oh, we don't know - cotton balls or the open palms of your hordes of fans, or you've learned to defy gravity. We're totally betting on the levitation thing. Mostly because, well, you're YOU. Laws of physics don't apply here. Duh.

We're really glad you mentioned this. It's not that we think you were wrong, per se. But, Oprah, that boy was jumping on your sofa! Umm, hello? His mom is probably still horrified. We really wish you would have gotten your B on and said something like, "HEY! Did your momma teach you nuthin' about puttin' your feet on the furniture?" Actually, we really wanted you to slap him. Hard. With a sandwich. I mean, you're Oprah. And this was the one moment when you could have spared all of America from "Valkyrie." Please. If you ever have him on again, before you do anything, just smack him first. The whole planet will thank you.

  • Dr. Oz? Fabulous! Nate Berkus, your super cute designer? *Awesome* But, Dr. Phil? Awww, hell no. He's just...so...awful...and we don't understand half the random crap he says and the good ol' boy thing just makes him sound stupid. Please, you can do anything. Please make Dr. Phil go away. Forever. Possibly with Tom Cruise. Because that's a cage match just waiting to happen.
We don't want to rush off, but you're just about to come on TV right now. And, we are scared to miss it don't want to miss it. And your magazine just showed up in the mail. Oops, and there's the other magazine. Oh, crap, and the thing on XM. And gosh, well, you're just...everywhere, aren't you?

We would say we're gonna miss you when you're gone...but we're pretty sure you won't be...which, again, just so we're clear, isgonnabesuperbecausewewouldtotallymissyouwethink.

In the meantime, can you totally teach us how to levitate?

xoxo Kate & Lydia

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