Thursday, March 18, 2010

The MommyLand Confessional: Welcome to the Little Box

Have you ever wondered if you're normal? If what you're doing as a mom is a little, well - out there? Think you need a reality check? Or maybe you just want to get something off your chest? Then welcome to the newest addition to Rants from MommyLand - The MommyLand Confessional! Send us your "mom confessions" and we'll give you our sage -- or more accurately, snarky -- wisdom. Then we'll tell you how awesome you are. Enjoy!


Dear Lydia and Kate,

Forgive me Mommies, I have sinned.

So, I often read your blog (okay, I'm addicted and read it everyday). I've been known to beg you for celebrity advice columns, such as John Mayer. I feel the need to give you this confession. I am dying to know that I'm not the only mom on the planet that does this.

I've been a SAHM for 10 years. Heaven help me. My kids are now all school aged. I say that loosely. My youngest is 6 and goes to Kindergarten in the afternoons only. So, this year I decided to get a part time job. And by part time, I mean that last month I logged 49 hours, total. Here's where the confession comes in to play. I had to find daycare for my daughter for mornings only. I had no idea how wonderful a daycare could be!! So, on the days I don't have to go to work (most days), I get up, get all dressed up in work clothes, take my older kids to school, take my daughter to daycare, come home, change back into my sweats, do my own thing, and then at around 11:45 I change BACK into my work clothes to go pick my daughter up from daycare to take her to school. I feel so much less guilty leaving her at daycare if the daycare lady and my daughter think I'm actually going to work. So, there's my confession.


First, a caveat. We're not Catholic. (Editor's note: Lydia claims to be part Catholic because her grandmother conditionally baptised her as a newborn. So she wouldn't go to hell. Also, she once worked for nuns at a Catholic hospital and they said they could tell by looking at her that she was Catholic. Also that she was "over-caffeinated". What does that even mean?) So our actual experience with confession rests solely in what we've seen in movies and on TV. And, we're pretty sure that no confession in the history of ever has offered absolution in the form of "Rock on with your bad self!"

But, here we go...

We sense that you feel guilty about your need for a few hours to do "my own thing". Woman, you've been a SAHM for ten freaking years! That's nearly four thousand days of doing everyone else's crap. We're going to delve even further into the math and discover it's more than 93,000 hours of NOT "doing my own thing." And you're feeling guilty about -- what? -- 10 hours a week? By our calculations, you can do "my own thing" without guilt, at the same rate for 178 years.

The above paragraph includes very important numbers and math and calculations and you know what they tell us? That you are long overdue for some time to yourself. Take it however you can get it, friend. And don't feel bad about it for one more minute.

Let us also point out that on top of all the SAHM stuff you do, you're still spending an additional 49 hours doing another job. One that pays you. Kate and Lydia have logged a total of about 7 minutes of paid time in the past year, and that's only because we found some cash under the seats when we were vacuuming out the car. One of us is totally going to declare it on our taxes.

Here's what we want you to do. And, bear in mind this comes with Kate's emphatic EVEN YESSER! You put on those sweats, coffee t-shirt, ponytail hair (but no clogs...Kate refuses to grant the clog allowance...b*tch) and take the kids to school, then take the little one to day care and say, LOUDLY, "yep, I'm goin' back home to sit in blissful silence and eat a box of Samoas!" And you know what, that lovely day care provider will think, "good for her, she deserves she's paying me, so giddyup!"

And then, when summer comes, say the same thing, but add " the pool" to the end. Kinda like with fortune cookies, when you add " bed" at the end and it always makes your fortune soooo much better. Even if totally unlikely. Because really, we're not sure that "You will find great fortune in your career" should really be followed up by "in bed." Mostly because we're not Heidi Fleiss.

Now, we absolve you. Go do one T-Box and fifteen Samoas. And, of course, Rock On With Your Bad Self!


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