Friday, March 5, 2010

My Baby is a Cupcake. Baked by the Devil.

Recently, my life has undergone a drastic transformation. Last week, my sweet, squishy, adorable 15 month old was toddling around trying to kiss everybody. Then something happened. Something terrible. I took my eyes off of her for a moment and when I looked back, she was standing on top of the kitchen table, doing a tap dance on my open laptop. I lunged towards her in slow motion while screaming: "Noooooooo! Stoooooop!" At seeing my obvious distress, she stopped dancing, laughed in my face, started wagging her finger at me saying: "No no no no!" and then fell off the table with a horrifying THUD. She was completely fine five minutes later and I am now scarred for life.

And so it begins.

Mini-mini-me has moved to the next phase of her development. The one where my life is essentially over for the next two years. Fantastic. This phase has many names. But let's start at the beginning:

Phase One: The Red Wiggler Phase (newborn - 6 weeks):
Whereby the baby is a non-communicative lump with its days and nights mixed up. You and your husband are convinced that your Red Wiggler is the most beautiful, awe-inspiring piece of perfection in baby form ever. Meanwhile, everyone else on the planet thinks your baby resembles a grimacing plucked chicken, and they are right.

Phase Two: The Happy Lumpkin Phase (6 weeks - 6 months):
The baby is now cute and sleeps all the time. And it smiles and then laughs and all is right with the world. Then it stops nursing for 5 hours and you react as if you were JFK and there are missiles off the coast of Florida. You may find yourself making frantic phone calls to your husband or mother and saying things like: "You don't understand. The. Baby. Hasn't. Eaten. You have to come here right now and make her nurse. RIGHT NOW. I don't care about the meeting with the shareholders! Tell them to suck it! The baby hasn't eaten since 6 am and it's almost noon. You have to come home right now! Gahhhhhh!!!!!"

Please note that my memory of this phase is only *slightly* informed by the massive amounts of pregnancy hormones I was shedding at the time.

Phase Three: The Five Minutes Of Happiness Phase (6 mos - walking/fully mobile):
The baby is now ridiculously cute. It may sit up and crawl around or even walk like a drunk person (happy drunk, mind you). The baby is easily distracted and interested in everything. My son Hawk could happily play with spoons for forty minutes. It's great. You can still watch inappropriate TV shows during the day and accidentally say "Sh*t!" without fear of immediate and prolonged parrotting. Thumbelina is still unaware that she watched seasons 1-4 of Buffy the Vampire Slayer while nursing. And don't even talk to me about 90210 re-runs. During this phase, the little critter just wants to hang out and be cute and be near you. Enjoy this all too brief window.

Phase Four: The Lydia Contemplates Going Back To Work Full Time Phase (Fully mobile to age 3): This phase has many names. Here are a few:

The I Am Not Having Any More Kids Phase
The Don't Get Distracted by Facebook for One Minute or Your Baby Will Burn Down the House Phase
The Totally Exhausted Momma Vs. Fully Energized Baby Steel Cage Battle of Death Phase
The It Would Be Funny But For The Fact That She is My Child Phase
The Five Trips to the ER in Six Months Phase
The Nightmares about Triplets Phase
The Your Child is Covered In Self-Inflicted Bruises and You Hope No One Calls the Authorities Phase
The Gain or Lose Ten Pounds from Unyielding Stress Phase
The All My Phone Calls End With "Oh No!  Baby!  I've Got to . . .{Click}' 
The Please Let Me Avoid What Appears to Be Imminent Death Phase
The My Baby is a Chicken Hawk Who Thinks I'm Foghorn Leghorn Phase

This is the phase where you question both the validity of natural selection and the existence of God, as you wonder how it is possible that any creature with such an obvious lack of self-preservation is depended upon to perpetuate the species. There is no logic. There is no reason. There is only the fervent hope that you can stop them in time. Because they never stop being naughty. And the only thing standing between your baby and the electric socket she is about to lick - is you.

Let's remember who we're dealing with. I am Lydia, and I am an idiot. I am outwitted on a weekly basis by laundry. I often wear my pajamas to drop my kids off at school.  When I do make an effort to get dressed, I find that my cardigan is on inside out. This is BAD. I am ridiculous and because of this, my precious little cupcake could get hurt. And let me state for the record what we all already know: Nothing seriously bad is allowed to happen to our children or the world will end.

Mini Mini Me has been walking for five months. Trying to climb things with limited success for 2 months. And all the while, she has been so sweet and good that I thought I was getting a pass on this child. She is my third. Thirds are special. And she is such an angel in so many ways...

And then, a switch got flipped in her little brain. She is now attempting stunts that would reduce the guys from Jackass into puddles of fear. These life-threatening tricks of coordination and skill are made more shocking when you consider that they are being executed by someone with the physique and personality of a Care Bear.

Wait. What's that noise? Oh. Dear. God.

My precious cupcake has just opened the dishwasher while it was running and is now splashing through the rapidly flooding kitchen with a steak knife in her hand cooing in a singsong: "Mine mine mine".

Do you understand NOW? Do you know how hard it is to open the dishwasher while its running? I can barely do it. And yet, with no apparent difficulty - she has mastered it. Actually, she's doing it again right now. Oh. Actually not. She's actually turning over the trash can so she can gain access to the empty container that held raw chicken.

Thirty seven minutes later...

I just cleaned the kitchen floor (with bleach) because she managed to mix raw chicken covered garbage and three days worth of coffee grounds with the water from the dishwasher. Then I had to bathe her. In the middle of this, the big kids got home. It's 3:02 pm on Day Five of Phase Four and I need an adult beverage.

Oh Schmidt. I just heard a crash and the dog is now whimpering. I've got to go. Holy CRAP. She appears to have stolen a jalapeno (how?) and she is eating it. NOOOOOO! STOOOOOPPPP!

I think my baby might actually be an alien. Or a Terminator. Because she never, ever stops. People, I am not Linda Hamilton.  I am not Isis or Wonderwoman or Oprah.  I have no super powers.  Even if I did, the baby is made of 24 carat kryptonite.  I fear for our future.  I will post again when I am able. Probably after my baby starts preschool sometime in 2012, provided I am able to avoid the Cupcake Apocalypse (Cupocalypse?)

Lydia out.

PS: Moms of mulitples, I need to say something.  My grandmother is a twin. I have twin cousins.  I avoided your fate for one reason.  The Supreme Being (in charge of pregnancy, breastfeeding and parenthood) knew my limitations (considerable) and spared us all the rants I would have been posting from the Nervous Hospital.  Because had I given birth to twins, that is where I would be.  I salute you.  I drink to you.  I adore you and worship your awesomeness.  Now please turn off the computer and go check on your kids because I think I smell something burning.

Lydia out.  Again.

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32 comments:

  1. Ah, yes. As our little girl walked (stubbornly, but not well) at 8.5 months, I feel like I missed out on about three of the five minutes of happiness. Sigh. But I have this one picture, taken on vacation just before her first birthday, where she's running full-tilt toward the camera and laughing. And it's just the best. I pull that picture out when I need a "this, too, shall pass" reminder.

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  2. Oh, my! My youngest just hit that stage a few months ago. I cannot relax unless she is sound asleep. The things they can do in NO time at all!
    Thanks for the laugh! It really helps to be able to laugh about it, doesn't it?:-)

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  3. To Funny it is amazing how i thought that my third was my easiest as well I thought wow if they were all like this i would have had 10, now i eat my words she is a Mess i love her but she is keeping me on my feet!! now that i am pregnant with the fourth and FINAL i hope i can just keep up enough to make it through.

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  4. ^ that! I have twin boys who are now 7yo. I barely remember that stage with them except for one incident. I took them to a park that wasn't enclosed (because I'm also an idiot) and they both ran for the closest street with oncoming traffic. As I chased after them -- 9 months pregnant with #3 -- I had to trip one so he fell down while simultaneously grabbing the other. That afternoon I went into labor. For some perverse reason, I actually went on to have a fourth child. My youngest doesn't realize that she nursed her way through seasons 1-3 of One Tree Hill.

    As always, your blog is awesome!

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  5. Im with Lindsay on this one... I have twins who will be one on St. Patricks Day and they encourage one another to be bad.. Twice the fun, and twice the disaster...

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  6. LMAO! I have 3 under 5 and I am 4 months pregnant! I totally get it..and it so happens that something happens daily in this household! People that don't have kids, or have kids that are younger, just don't understand..I LAUGH and say "Just you wait"!! And I wait for the phone call...and try my hardest NOT TO LAUGH! It's terrible, however, I have been there, I know what it is like, and wish that I had been able to laugh through a lot of what my boys put me through..YES, I have THREE boys...

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  7. 'The All My Phone Calls End With "Oh No! Baby! I've Got to . . .{Click}' ....sadly, 3/4 of my phone calls end like this. And for those that think sleep time is safe time---when my 3rd was 11 months old, I took a shower while she slept in her crib. When I got out of the shower, she had climbed out of her crib, stacked a stool on top of a chair that she managed to drag in front of the refrigerater, and was trying to climb the fridge to get to the cookie jar on top. Sleepy time is not safe. NO TIME is safe. lol

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  8. How about the "I don't care how old you are, you are not your big sister" phase. That is my problem here with my 13 month old and has been since she was 6 months old.

    My youngest has always been trying to do the things her big sister (the old and wise 6 year old) does and just yesterday, I caught her sitting on the floor with paper, scissors and a glue stick trying to scrapbook (a girl after my own heart). Granted the scissors where just those crafy deco-edge type but still, you can imagine the panic that sets in when I see her with scissors and a big smile!!!!

    And, of all things, my youngest loves finding my oldest daughter's bathroom door open so she can climb the step stool to the sink and grab the flossing sticks to floss her teeth! Yes, the pointy little colorful plastic things that, did I mention, are POINTY and SHARP! IN HER MOUTH, UP ON A 3-STEP STEPSTOOL!

    You're blog is the sanity in my day!

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  9. Moms of multis:
    You are abso-toot-ly right. I have added a post script for you. In honor of your bad*a$$ness.
    xo, Lydia

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  10. Oh yes, my twins are my first and my LAST children!!!!!!!!!!!

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  11. God played a cruel joke on me...I was the mother of 3 all with in 3 1/2 years. I waited 5 years just to have 1 more to enjoy all by it's self. Guess what? Identical twin girls! They are now 6 and life as we knew it has never been the same since their arrival! I love them dearly but they are aging me quickly! Had they been the first they would have been the last! Every day is an adventure and a lesson in survival! They have secured my place in heaven for all the patience I have had to have!

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  12. Way too funny! and way too true. I have a 15 month old and she can get the covers off the electric outlets, LOVE's climbing the ladder of her sisters bunkbeds, and thinks that the toilet is the BEST PLACE EVER to play, with the kitchen garbage a close second.

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  13. With a 21 month old girl powered by Energizer, I can relate. My only prayer is, her future siblings go after me instead of their dad, who reportedly was just as bad as a toddler.

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  14. Mom of a three year old girl and 16 month old id twin girls here. Don't drink to me. Drink FOR me.
    I just did a blog post (or two, or three...) on the stuff they get into it lately.

    As always, you guys rock.

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  15. I have 2 kids, 16 months apart. The first 4 years are a complete blur, and I have blocked out most of it. My hat's off to all of you mommies with more than 2. Hubby and I decided to stick with the man-on-man defense.

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  16. A mom of twin 20 month old girls here. Thank you for the P.S. I am not sure why I am not in the loony bin. I may or may not end up there soon ;-)

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  17. Just found your blog -- your writing is hilarious!! I want to be funny too now. Once in a while it happens but usually my posts are photos of my girls to document what they're up to . . . boring for everyone but the grama's.

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  18. This is by far, the funniest thing I've ever read... its so very, very true. I actually read this out loud to my husband.

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  19. Good God, my twin boys are 14 months old and about to enter Phase 4; really, any second now they will be walking. One of them is already climbing and getting into EVERYTHING. Soon, I will be "Oh Schmidt-ing" all over the place!!

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  20. you just put a huge smile on my face this morning. My children all fall in the 5-13 range presently and when I am pulling my hair out and totally exaspirated by their shananigans, I will remember this post, think back on that stage of their lives and be thankful I am one year nearer to their adulthood and independance. Thank you!

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  21. My sweet little cupcake is 3 and I'm pretty sure thinks she's 15. Over night she went from being a glowing angel to a moody, psycho that wails at the drop of.... well pretty much anything. It has gotten to the point when she falls asleep watching cartoons, we leave her where she falls for fear of the hell we will surely catch if we wake her! I have repeatedly told my husband his "bail money" for when she hits her teens has now been changed to HER "bail money".

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  22. How did I miss this post?!??!?!?!?! This was MEGA hilarious & I know & understand and am living it right now (for the 3rd time in 3 1/2 years)... OMG... Lydia, I adore you. I really wish we could have a playdate...lol

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  23. Good stuff (I type as my 9 mo. old is stuck between the end table and the wall and my 5 year old twins are watching something totally inappropriate on the "Man-room" tv. It's a good thing we forget or the race would cease to exist.

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  24. with 3 year old drama queen twin girls and a one year old devil cupcake ... this blog could have been written by me!! Too funny and tooooo true!

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  25. I am so there in phase 4 with you. The boy-child is often referred to as Devil Dog, the Hellion, Satan Spawn, or the Devil Child and his introduction is often followed by, "If he'd have been the first, he'd have been the last." Seriously, I put him to bed at 3:30 yesterday afternoon. His daddy is out of town for 3 months, we are currently trying to sell our house and are in the middle of a move. Someone please help me!

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  26. OMG THANK YOU! I'm pregnant with my first and badly badly BADLY needed a laugh! I giggled and snorted and belly-laughed through the entire blog, all the more so because I know full well that in another three months this will be me!

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  27. Thank you, thank you, thank you! I am in the middle of Phase Four. I call it any number of those given names in one day...and I totally needed a good laugh. Because this thinks-he-knows-it-all little meanie is driving me outta my gourd! You ladies are AWESOME!!! :)

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  28. I would just like to let you know that phase four can sometimes last into the teenage years as it has with my son. My daughter on the other hand exited stage four at around age five and decided to re-enter at 14 and remains there at 16. I know that I will be sending them out to fend for themselves in a few years and when I do I will be sending care packages filled with fire extinguishers and bandaids. And praying that the rest of the world forgives me for unleashing my invincible children upon them

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  29. ROFL!!! Don't drink for me... drink WITH me!!! lol!!! I have five altogether, the youngest are 5yo twin boys. I was the idiot who not only PRAYED for twins, but had my uber-Catholic Grandfather prayer for twins. I got twins! :faint:

    I am counting the seconds until they go to kindergarten. Maybe I will see my husband again. Maybe I'll actually see a movie at a theater. Maybe I'll actually eat warm eggs and toast! I can hope!!!! lol!

    My memories include cleaning up glass at one end of the house and hearing glass break on the other end. Oh... and let's not forget when they both do equally bad stuff on opposite ends of the house... or the park... on in church... Oy Vey!

    I am closing in on the end of this stage and I can honest-to-goodness tell you that these twins will be my LAST! Last night, hubby and I briefly talked about adopting a girl from Korea.... BRIEFLY! I might have been able to handle a 6th child.... but for my lovable TWINADOES!!!

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  30. We have 5 kids, ranging in age from 12yo to 21m. #3 and #4 are 9.5 months apart. #3 wasn't even CRAWLING when #4 was born. I really don't remember the first year after #4s birth.

    This blog post cracked me up. The only reason I'm able to comment right now is because #5 is strapped in to his high chair eating lunch, and hasn't yet mastered the manual dexterity needed to unbuckle the highchair buckle. He CAN however use the St. Bernard as a stepladder to climb on top of my kitchen island, take the pots down from the hanging ceiling rack, and throw them to the floor. My husband asked him last night if he wanted to sit on the pot rack, and then immediately retracted that statement when he saw the daggers of death shooting from my eyes. Do NOT give the child ideas! I swear he creates more destruction than the other 4 children combined. I feel like a complete and utter failure on a daily basis, as each day brings more cuts/bruises/burns to his little deliciously chunky baby body.

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