Friday, March 19, 2010

Open Letter: Kiss (My Ass) & Ride

Dear Mom in the Kiss 'n' Ride line at school today,

I'll start by confessing I've had a crappy two days. I got into an argument with McLovin yesterday, which I hate to do because it's always stupid; I am sick of Lent and my hardcore-ness about it because I really just want a huge piece of chocolate cake and bucket of Merlot and that's not going to happen for another 18 days or something; it's ugly and rainy out, which I hate; and I'm pretty sure I've surrendered so far that I haven't even brushed my teeth yet. And it's way past noon.

But here's the thing: Don't mouth off to me in the K'n'R line. You're lucky I didn't get out of the car. Even though I was barefoot. Because I'm sorta in the mood to pop someone in the mouth. I was feeling all benevolent a few weeks ago at Target, but you? Nah, you're ripe for a smackdown, and I bet if Lydia was in the car and totally willing to take my kids for the next 48 hours, I'd be sitting in a holding pen right now, not feeling bad at all.

Let's start at the beginning, shall we?

I never do K'n'R. One, we like to walk to school. And home from school. And, my logic is, if you're too close to take the bus, you're close enough to walk. Two, unless you're bringing some school project, too many books, or you're running unbelievably late, you're just being lazy. And three, it takes forever. On any given day, I can drive to the other side of our neighborhood and then walk the last quarter mile or so, pick the IHPs up, leave the school and make it back to my car before you're even out of the line.

But today was crappy and rainy and I was barefoot -- which is so
gross and like I'm channelling Britney Spears or something and even writing it down now I'm like "ewwwww" -- and Happy was foul and screw it we did K'n'R. And there you were, like you are EVERY DAY, because I see your car EVERY DAY. And you're ALWAYS the first one in line, even though your kid doesn't make it out to the pick up lane until a good 20 minutes after school gets out, which I totally attribute to being in Bart Simpson detention. So, every other car has to wait behind you because there's No Passing in the K'n'R lane.

So there I sat, 14 cars behind you. (Yes, I counted.) Seething. For 33 minutes. And then your kid finally came out, and you. got. out. of. your. car. Which, any moron knows that's like prime Rule Number One. It's even written on the back of the little numbered tags that we have to hang on our rear view mirror. IN BOLD. But apparently the school, the parents and anyone else can kiss your ass because - what? - you're first in line?

And then you opened the trunk. And we were all very impressed with the hands-free trunk opening option on your fancy Lexus SUV. So you could put the one - ONE - backpack back there. And then stand by as you watched the trunk door s.l.o.w.l.y. close. And then you chatted up the teacher out there, who -- forgive me if I'm wrong -- is there to enforce the efficiency of K'n'R, right? Like telling you not to get out of your car? Or, apparently not.

I will say -- and yes, I am a bitch and nasty and foul -- the best part was watching you get back in the car and watch 3 tons of metal heave down on one side as you sat down. Boy, you're really testing the air pressure in those tires, aren't you? [Editor's note: Now, now Kate, play nice. Just because the woman is a damn heifer doesn't mean you get to make fun of her size. You love me don't you? And I've got the finest, flyest fat ass you ever saw. - Lydia]

When you finally did make it out of the way, and turned the corner to head out, you STOPPED! WHY?!?! It was like the guy behind you was thinking, "Finally, we can get the hell outta h -- what??" Here's a hint, this isn't Space Mountain. You don't just move forward 17 inches and then stop again. You get the ever lovin' f*ck outta the way. And you do it fast.

But, it's what brought me to you. And I scoot up so that my front left bumper is headed right toward your driver's door. Maybe slightly close, but hey, I was taught to drive by a dude, complete with learning how to do donuts and recover from a spinout. I know where the bumpers are, and I can parallel park my beastly Frank in a spot like he's no bigger than a SmartCar. [Editor's Note: So named because he's getting new parts here and there. Replace bumper one year. New door the next. He's Frankenstein + Volvo. He's Frankenvolvo. - Kate]

I had a good 18 inches between our cars. And then you honked at me. Oh, you silly woman.

So, because I love to toy with people - and augmented by the fact I'm in a foul mood - I rolled down the window like we were friends and you had something *awesome* to say.

Me: [all happy-like] What's up!
You: [through closed window, gesture palms up and out like WTF]
Me: I can't hear you!
You: [roll window down two inches -- look like you're trying to talk to the intercom at Burger King] What the hell! Don't hit my car! God...
Me: How about getting out of the way then?
You: Bitch.
Me: [moves Volvo forward that extra 17 inches]
You: HEY! Don't make me get outta this car.
Me: [laughs] What is this? West Side Story? OOH! Can I be Maria??
You: [roll up window and flip me off]

What have I learned?
  1. I need to brush my teeth. I think it improves my mood.

  2. I'm never doing Kiss 'n' Ride again.

  3. Wear shoes.

And, if you fail at 1, 2 and 3, make sure Lydia is in the car. She'll totally bail you out.

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  1. Hells yes she will . . . Lydia is amazing, and can come up with the best one liners . . . EVER!!! Every mom should have a Lydia with her @ K&R!!!! bravo to you, Kate for the WSS comment!!! CLASSIC!!!!!

  2. I hate biotches like this. Stupid cow.

    I'm new here, but I am hooked. Keep up the good work, ladies! :)

  3. Honey, you showed more restraint tham me!! I would have totally be honking on the horn to embarrass her.

  4. Maria...I just met a girl named Maria...

    I would have had so many choice words for this woman :) Kudos to you for not giving her the asswhoppin' she so richly deserved.

  5. You are the queen of restraint. Seriously. I would have laid on the horn for the entire 33 minutes. Then I would have switched to short staccato honking for the trunk opening, backpack stowing, teacher talking, and stop and go action. And then I might have tailgated her home.

    But, I'm ghetto like that :)

  6. First, I have to say what a biotch!! Second, I think this lady is in my pick up line, here in Litiz, PA. AND Lastly, I live within walking distance of my school, but I never get to walk my children. I would love to walk them. HOWEVER I have a full-time job that I must proceed directly to from drop off and my McLovin does the pick up directly from his fulltime gig. Therefore, you could add working Mom's to your list of A-holes in the K'n R'.

  7. Last week's episode of 'Parenthood' touched on this same subject but it was actually a worse situation, the mom was next to drop off her daughter and a lady out of nowhere cut her off (skipped the whole line) and did the same thing as the lady you had the encounter with.

  8. Kate you're awesome with or without shoes! I'd be in jail right now! I applaude your restraint. What is up with these ridiculous, lazy a$$ed women (that obviously don't have to be anywhere anytime soon)? Sounds like she could stand to park down the street and walk a bit. I've seen the K&R at the elementary school in my neighborhood...the line is insane and unless I was in a little white jacket that hooked in the back, I would at some point loose it and ram the car in front and the SUV in back of me until I could make my escape!

  9. Mama in Litiz, PA,

    You are totally right about working mom exemption in the K'n'R line. And HEY! Not a-holes. A-may-zing. I did the full time working mom beat for a while...and it kicked my puny, flat butt. (Lydia is right by the way when she talks about her heinie...she's totally fly. AND the buttons on the back of her jeans like launch themselves off the fabric because they can't compete with the awesomeness that is her booty. I got hit in the face by one once. And Lydia was all "toldja")
    Anyway, you working moms, you do what you gotta do. And if I were you, i'd do it all while wearing a cape and a freakin' tiara.
    Look, up in the K'n'R line, it's a van, it's an SUV, it's Super SuckItFancy!
    Wear it well, girls. Wear it well.
    xoxo Kate

  10. First off let me say I'm not judging but I just can't figure out how you ended up driving barefoot and when I think of driving barefoot I cringe LOL

    I'm so glad our line is so not like that!!! Our school has a rule to only have cars come in one side and the kids have to get in on the passenger side so we can pass other cars instead of waiting for those 'I have no life so I must be first in line for pick up even though my kids comes out last!' I use to plan my day so I could leave early and beat the first shower-upper just to piss her off but when 'I have no life' started trying to come earlier and earlier I stopped and let her "win" LMAO

  11. I'm divorced, work, and normally drop my son off at before/after care on the days he's not with his dad. I drop my kid off at school maybe 3 times in a given school year, and every time, I get shouted at by the guard teacher for letting him get out the driver's side. I stop the car, hop out, shoo the kid out and around the back bumper, and then the guard teacher jumps up and down and waves and shouts "YOUR CHILD MUST EXIT FROM THE CURB SIDE OF THE VEHICLE!!!" Usually through a megaphone. I grin and wave back and jump back in the car, and then sit uncomfortably being occasionally glared at for the next 20 minutes, because that's about how long it takes to work my way out of the line and around the backside of the parking lot and back to the street.

    And the reason I do that is this: In addition to my school age child I have a toddler, and his car seat is on the passenger side so that it's easier for me to see him during the times that I am not dropping my son off at school, aka "the other 99.9% of the time I'm driving." It's been there since he was born. It's going to stay there. And I'm not going to move it for the approximately 3 minutes per school year that it takes me to get my older son out of the car and onto the sidewalk. I am also not going to let my older son climb over his baby brother, as much as he might appreciate the opportunity.

    So...stop, out, shoo, get yelled at, wave, grin, inch away. It's a routine that works for me. It's also worth mentioning that I'm not terribly popular around the school...

  12. Wow! I have a draft in my blog posts of a very similar nature from just yesterday. We must be riding the same wave. There are no rules for pickup at the junior high, but you'd think people would practice a little ettiquette and get the F*** outta the way when their kid is not out there yet! And why do they think it's okay to PARK where they should be driving through? I'm fine with them stopping long enough for the kid to get in the car, but if the kid is not out there, go f-ing park! And if I happen to be parked in a legit spot, don't block my view of the entrance by "parking" in the drive-thru lane!
    Yesterday, I forgot I had my window open two inches...I might've been heard griping...but did the bitch move? Nope. I even backed out of my spot and into another one so that I could see around her big arse. Maybe she got the hint...I don't know...she left, but she left the whole parking lot and without her kid.

  13. At my school, they are no holds barred. Kids come out in order of grade (K first up to 5), and if your precious pumpkin is not there when your car is, move it. And they will tell you to go around and get BACK IN LINE. Or go park and walk your heiffer-butt in and get precious pumpkin. And they are one step above mean about it, which I totally appreciate! I let my pumpkins ride the bus (gasp!!) mainly so I don't have to deal with KnR!

  14. I had one of those this morning. Mother in Suburban ahead of me takes a good 5 minutes to get her ONE child (did I mention Suburban?) out of the car, locate backpack, then lunchbox, then child proceeds to crawl around car looking for something else while mom looks at me and shrugs, "Sorry!" Grrrr. Meanwhile I had tosses my two out of the car, barely stopping, counting the seconds till I would get to Starbucks. Move your butts, Ladies.

  15. My kids normally take the bus (live out in the country), but sometimes I drive. Drop off is quick, but pick up is pure hell of 2 lanes of parked cars waiting for their spawn. Even though there are huge STAY THE HELL IN YOUR CAR MORON signs everywhere, there's always a few who are so special that the rules don't apply to them. I don't even get in the line. I park and walk into the school, and I'm back in my car and pulling out of the parking lot while other people are still waiting for special mom to move her car.

  16. PLEASE!!! Send this to school!!! Please!!!

  17. Well done! I love how you stayed cheerful (on the outside) and let her be the rude one. I do NOT handle confrontation well and so you are absolutely my hero for this! YAY!

  18. When I was growing up, my mom did the kiss 'n ride for exactly 4 weeks of the entirety of my time in grade school. Precisely the amount of time that I had a cast from toe to hip. One of those times during those horrific mornings of my trying to get that thing out (9 year old girl, legs disproportionately long, immovable knee, small sedan. Fun.) the woman in charge yelled at us to go faster because there were 657 cars behind us. My mom shrieked back "SHE'S GOT A BROKEN LEG!" The lady swooped down on me and silently glared as I climbed out. I swear she was glaring at my back until I had hobbled all the way into my classroom.

  19. There is a woman in our KnR line - same lady, every day - who lets her son sit in the car (at the beginning of the line) and finish eating his breakfast. Daily. So you know what? I pass her. If I'm running so late that the teachers aren't greeting my child at the sidewalk, I don't have time to wait on your kid to finish eating his PopTart or whatever. I don't care if it is a Lexus (they must come with a superiority complex) or that you married a doctor. I still have to do daycare dropoff and get to work.

  20. Soooooo funny! I love that you know you have Lydia to bail you out!!




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