Monday, March 22, 2010

Public Display of Morning Sickness

I was recently informed that people really enjoy reading about all the ways I make an ass of myself in public. Here's the good news: examples of me embarrassing myself spring from a well that will never run dry. Just ask my husband. Cap'n Coupon catalogues the stories of me being an idiot. Different categories exist based on if it was something I said or did or had done to me, or whether it was accidental or intentional. There's even a category en Espanol. If we had an SAP button, you could press it now. Anyway, there's a lot to choose from, but I decided to write down this little gem as Thumbelina enjoys telling people about it all the time anyway.

I should warn you that it's gross. Really gross. Even for a mommy. And Kate tells me constantly that I'm being gross (and I don't even realize it). I know this is bad. So, maybe put the coffee down. Fine, consider yourself warned. Cuidado!

A little less than two years ago, I was four months pregnant. At four months along, I don't really look pregnant. I just look . . . big. Tummy huge, boobies huge, cankles huge. The rest of me normal. Size and clothing-wise, it's the demilitarized zone of pregnancy. You're in the low rent side of limbo, where there's just nothing good to say. No regular clothes fit and maternity clothes look heinous. During the pregnancy DMZ, people don't look at me and say - "Oh, she's pregnant. How nice." They look at me and say: "My, she has gained weight. I had no idea suburban mothers could work as Sumo wrestlers. How very interesting!"

Also, keep in mind that I was walking with a limp because I was still recovering from a Barbaro-style broken leg. So I was pretty awesome all around. Like a gimpy hippo in tight pants and clogs. Just take a minute for all that to sink in.

The Cap'n decides one beautiful Saturday to take us all to lunch at Five Guys. Five Guys is a very yummy local burger chain (that's actually somewhat national, depending on where you live). They are not paying me to write this. As you will soon read, I am saying these nice things about their delicious burgers in order to do penance. So that maybe one day I go back.

But back to the Family Luncheon of Fun. Thumbelina and Hawk are delighted, and we all pile in the car (no van in those halcyon days of two kids). I was so insecure about my appearance that I had actually showered, blown out my hair, and put on make-up - in the hopes that even if my body could do nothing more than gimp-waddle-gimp, then at least my head could good. Think Shelly Winters in the Poseidon Adventure (hint: this is foreshadowing). Stupid Lydia. You should have known better.

So we get there and eat a great noontime meal and, for the first time in weeks, my Hell-spawned morning sickness abated with the actual morning. It was all very nice. And then the bad thing happened.

Hawk: "I haffa go to da bafwoom."
Cap'n: "What?"
Hawk: "I haffa go potty. In da bafwoom. And it's a pooper. So come on, Daddy, let's go."
Cap'n: (looks scared) "Maybe mommy could..."
Lydia and Hawk: "NO!"
Cap'n: (hangs head sadly in resignation, gets up) "Fine. Let's go."

Ten minutes later...

Cap'n: "We're back."
Hawk: "But I didn't go bafwoom because dere was dis big, fat guy and he was in dere a looooong time. And when he came out da bafwoom smelled soooo bad dat daddy said he wouldn't go in dere."
Cap'n: (Muttering under his breath as the big, fat guy in question was sitting at the next table and heard everything that Hawk said) "You don't even understand how bad it is. I'm not going in there. No. Don't look at me like that. Nothing you say or do will make me go in that room. I think that smell has killed men on the battlefield. Good men. . . "
Hawk: "I haffa poop. I really haffa poop."
Thumbelina: "I have to pee."
Lydia: (glaring at the Cap'n, hoping that lasers will shoot out and burn him for getting out of yet another disgusting kid-related chore) "Fine. Let's go."

We go the women's bathroom (which is also stinky). Thumbelina pees and flushes and starts to wash her hands. Hawk jumps on the potty and decides, while pooping, to flush it again right away. But the potty did not like that one little bit. So Hawk jumped off the potty, while still pooping.

This is where we need to pause for a moment. Mommies, you know there are several Universal Truths of Parenting Small Children. Here is one of them. Small children love to eat little, yellow corn niblets and corn on the cob. And we love for them to eat vegetables, so we feed them corn. That corn goes in and comes out looking exactly the same. Crooked accountants would call this a "round trip" transaction.

So while trying to pick up my wriggling, still pooping three-year-old and place him back on the potty (that was angrily threatening to overflow or possibly explode), a kernel of yellow (fecal) corn fell gently onto my foot. And I started screaming: "Gaaahhhhh! Corn! Gaaaahhhhhh!" Then came the gagging.

I pushed Thumbelina out of my way and started to projectile vomit into the sink. Meanwhile, both kids (one on the potty and one backed so far into the corner that she appeared to be trying to tunnel through it backwards) were simultaneously fascinated and completely horrified. I may have screamed at them to stop screaming for the love of God in between wretches. I don't know. Also, because I was pregnant (for the third time in five years), I may have peed a little.

After the retching subsided, I took a moment to take stock of the situation. The bathroom was trashed. Like really trashed. Like the day after Mardi Gras, public port-o-john, unparalleled nasty. Like don't even try to clean it, just get a hose and some bleach and hope there's a drain in the the floor. Karen Silkwood would've felt dirty. Then I looked in the mirror. Suddenly, the bathroom didn't look that bad.

Mascara was running everywhere, Alice Cooper-style. Skin was flushed, sweaty and blotchy. My hair was a crazed bird's nest flecked with . . . just imagine. My entire head (which ten minutes ago had been the one part of my body that wasn't totally embarrassing) was now like something out of a horror movie. I splashed cold water on my face, and it splashed all over the top of my shirt, soaking it. I went to reach for paper towels and there were none.

Then Hawk said: "Momma! Wipe my bottom!" Thumbelina and I looked at him incredulously. He shrugged and said: "OK. Fine. Wipe my bottom, please."

With that, I snapped out of it. I mean, who cares that I had just turned into Linda Blair from the Exorcist in front of my kids and now looked as if I were Scary The Clown. Mommies live to serve. And wipe. And clean. This day was a bridge too far.

Thus began five futile minutes of cleaning up myself, my son, and the bathroom with half a roll of industrial toilet paper. I will spare you the specifics, but it was bad. I gave up and just prayed that the next person who had to use that bathroom had a really strong stomach.

As we walked out of the women's hell-hole bathroom, I became aware of the fact that we had been gone a long time. I didn't recognize any of the faces at any of the tables near ours. In fact, I couldn't see my husband anywhere either. Thumbelina spotted him first and started running towards him. Everything went into slow motion like that scene in Saving Private Ryan.

Waiting by the door with the car keys in his hand, the Cap'n looked at me with the international "that took a while" expression. As I got closer, the expression on his face changed. First concern, then horror, then stifled laughter. Like I said, third pregnancy in five years. He knew exactly what had happened. I tried not to look at anyone else because I was scared to see their reaction to my truly frightening countenance. Hawk and I were limping slowly towards the door, holding hands like we'd just seen combat or escaped from the basement of a serial killer. Then Thumbelina started screaming in the high pitched shriek that only little girls can make. It was clear as a bell and impossible for anyone to ignore.

"Daddy! Hawk pooped on the floor and some of it got on mommy's shoe and then she screamed and started making weird noises and then DIARRHEA came out of her MOUTH! A lot of it! Most of it got in the sink!"

Stunned silence. Everyone put their delicious burgers down. And looked at me. Except for the people standing in line. Who seemed to be scanning the place for any possible exit and were seriously considering a leap through the plate glass window just to get away from me and my kids.

"DDDAAAAADDDY! Didn't you HEAR me?! Hawk pooped on the floor and DIARRHEA came out of mommy's MOUTH!"

The Cap'n then realized if he didn't say or do something, she was going to say it again and louder. He hesitated one second too long.

"DAAAAADDDDDDY! I SAID Hawk POOPED on the FLOOR and --"

(Picture a man shaped like Dom DeLuise with an open mouth, dropping his burger, and glaring at the Coupon clan with the transcendent "Come on, you filthy carnies!" expression).

At that point, we were at the door. The Cap'n gallantly held it open for us, his charming family, firmly pushing Thumbelina through it so that the rest of her recital was projected into the parking lot. As he closed the door, he tipped an imaginary hat to the still silent, confused and nauseated dining room.

"Well," said the Cap'n looking at me with more than a little amusement in his eye, "The Coupons have left the building."

(Editor's note: You guys are a really professional family. - Kate)

It's been a long time, but some experiences just never leave you. In part because every time we drive anywhere near the Five Guys in question, Thumbelina starts in. "Remember that time at Five Guys when..." And I burn with embarrassment and think to myself: "I'm sorry Five Guys. We promise never to come back to your fine establishment. I'm so very, very sorry."

And that is but one of my finest Lydia moments. There are a lot more. And some of them are worse. So, please, don't judge me.
xo, Lydia, who clearly puts the "ass" in embarrassment, is out.

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(c)Herding Turtles, Inc. 2009 - 2010

131 comments:

  1. Still! Crying! With! Laughter!

    Thanks!

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  2. Oh.My.God. I am laughing SO hard. That is HILARIOUS. I love this blog! I have 9 kids, the last 3 are 4 months old. Yep. Triplets. I look at your blog every hour to get some laughs in my day. My days are very very long. Thank you for brightening them up :)

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  3. You...are...hilarious! OMG I can't stop laughing...I almost spurted wine out my nose! My husband is currently looking at me like I either have lost it or had too much wine. Thank you for sharing this story and making my night!

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  4. Bwahahahahaha!!! After what was possibly the worst start to a day I have had in a long time I needed a good laugh. Thank you!

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  5. O.M.G. Same thing happened to me minus being out in public and corn poop on my foot! We'd just stopped off at a family members house on our way back home from NY (2 1/2 hour drive)and I was 6 month pregnant. I had to used the bathroom. So I walk to their bathroom before any of them can warn me that one of their kids was just in there pooping. The smell was HORRENDOUS...something like what the Cap'n had to deal with in this story. Well I gagged and gagged and RAN to their kitchen to vomit. I tried to make it in the trashcan but it was full. The sink was full of dishes. I tried to hold it, which thankfully I did long enough for someone to get a bag for me. Being 6 months pregnant, having had to pee after a 2 1/2 hour drive and the pressure from vomiting well....I pee'd. Their poor daughter was scarred for a very long time. She was crying and terrified at what had just occurred! She did manage, in between the screaming and crying, "Kirby, you otay?" It took her until Leila was born to come near me without crying!

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  6. After having 4 babies myself, 3 of the pregnancies being puke-ridden ones...I have the right to laugh my ever-lovin' ass off! Thank you for sharing your moment, or two!

    My favorite line? Also, because I was pregnant (for the third time in five years), I may have peed a little. I love this b/c I suddenly see that I am not alone. During my 4th pregnancy, I peed each and every freaking time I puked. Talk about insult to injury! So glad I was full time SAHM at that point. During my third I was working with a client and spewed all over the floor of a very small bathroom in a very small, beautifully designed used book store. That felt like rock bottom...until I puked all down the driver's side door and into the door handle of my sedan.

    But, this, THIS is about you not me...thank you JESUS. Thanks for sharing, like seriously thank you!

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    1. ROFL! "...thank you JESUS". Oh God...I only have one and only got sick once, when I was something like 8.9999 months along. Although, it was in a restaurant and just came up with no warning and just enough time to turn my head. Plus it was a very small amount, plus nobody even at my table knew. ROFL! I just wiped it up with some napkins and went to the bathroom to throw them away. But YOU gals...OMG! I feel so blessed!

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  7. Tears! I never laugh with tears but you have done it. This is too much!

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  8. OMG! I'm crying from laughing so hard. And about to throw up from my own morning sickness ::dies::

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  9. Oh you poor thing. I would never, ever be able to go back!!! Also, I'm so impressed that you tried to clean up. I think I would have been all covert and "Hey kids, let's get out fast" and just left it there for the next person.

    I'm clearly not as nice of a person...

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  10. I love it! Oh Lydia, you are so not alone in the embarassing incident category! I had a very similar story at my pediatrician's office while pg with my 3rd when I projectile vomited ON THE FLOOR, in front of the dr when my son sneezed and a huge wad of snot spread across his face! I was only about 9 weeks along, so you couldn't tell i was pg, so i kept sniffling and saying, "i'm so sorry, i'm pg! i'm so sorry!" Oh, and I peed too. Great.
    thank you so much for your fun blog! It is the highlight of my mornings as a SAHM!

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  11. Oh Lydia, I will take you back to Five Guys! It wasn't your fault and you deserve their yummy fries for living through that!

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  12. LOL And I thought puking my brains out (only a couple mo and not showing at ALL) while walking the dog in front of half our neighbors when we lived in condos(the dog pee got me), or puking in the parking lot on a busy Saturday morning in front of the window of a HUGELY busy breakfast place bc my bro-in-law was trying to "get" my husband with something like napalm from his back door was bad!

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  13. This is seriously one of the funniest morning sickness stories of all time. Thank you so much for posting it. I'm sorry it happened to you but...wow, that was funny. I will try to remember this and laugh next time I am puking.

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  14. Gee....and i thought my spectacular puking in the middle of the gas station during Cinco de Mayo gloriously enough to rouse the suspicion of two police officers who proceeded to give me a field sobriety test was embarrassing....you totally beat me!

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  15. Don't you love that your kids, who can't even remember to flush the damn toilet most of the time, will remember things from years ago that you really wish they would just frakkin forget already?

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  16. OMG, my 2 broken ribs are punishing me right now from laughing so hard. LMAO. That story is definitely priceless.

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  17. Oh you poor thing. I hate to laugh uncontrollably when someone has gone through something so awful, but you killed me with this story!

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  18. Buffy the Vampire SlayerMarch 22, 2010 at 9:49 PM

    I'm laughing so hard that my husband just asked me what was wrong. Also, I think we were separated at birth. Remind me to tell you sometime about the time I had a bucket of human feces dumped onto my head while walking down the street in Manhattan.

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  19. That was awesomely hilarious and horrendous at the same time. You are a brave woman for sharing it!

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  20. Thank you. Being 2 months pregnant myself, I am currently doing something between a sob and a hysterical laugh. Ah... I love the hormones that make us the most delightful psycho-beasts I know.

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  21. Wow, vomiting for seven months with my last pregnancy suddenly doesn't seem so bad. Once again, I feel your pain. We should get jackets.

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  22. OMFG, best story ever. I totally pee'd while reading this (5 months after my third baby).

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  23. This is awesome! I am so your newest follower! I had a gimp leg when I was pregnant (baby came in January) and for some reasn it was causing me to limp but ALSO to have a lot of trouble holding it. I completely embarassed myself in public too. It's called the PIMP move. And for those who didn't see my 3 year old spilled the beans anyway. Being a mom is SO funny when it is someone else. I did not laugh when I PIMPed but I am laughing now.

    HUGS and thank you!

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  24. omg. I laugh at things, but I cannot remember the last time I laughed until I cried. Tears are rolling down my cheeks, AND my stomach hurts. It was all fine, until Thumbelina turned into the announcer...oh lord.

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  25. Freakin' laughed my ass off. Thank you so much, I puke the entire way through my pregnancies and end up on IVs and homehealth but humor sure does help. Thfere isn't a place in the little town we lived in during my first 3 pregnancies that I can show myr face. I've christened every single one. The part about your daughter, OMG, I have had that exact same experience!

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  26. Thank you!!! I had stop reading because I was laughing so hard I almost peed myself. My kids just asked me if I was okay? and My husband told them that mommy had just lost her marbles for a few minutes. :) Thanks again

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  27. Bless your poor little pregnant-at-the-time heart! I'm glad you can laugh about it now and bear to tell it because that was the best laugh I've had in ages.

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  28. So funny! This is just too much. You just can not make that stuff up!

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  29. That story is fantastic! But a terrible thing to do to women whose pelvic floors have had children....

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  30. I just discovered your blog a day or two ago. I saw this entry and nearly cried I was laughing so hard! You have a wonderful blog, and a great writing style. Have fun with that wine tasting tonight!

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  31. Oh MY GOD! That is the freakin' funniest thing I have ever read! I laughed so hard I swear to God I farted! Sorry for your humiliation but that story is priceless!

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  32. Just another day in the trenches of mommyhood, indeed. Well told!

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  33. That seriously might have been one of the funniest things I've ever read.

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  34. That is so hilarious. So sorry for you, because I hear those fries are good, but so hilarious.

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  35. I think I just peed a little myself. So. Effing. Funny. But I am only laughing to mask the horror I feel for you. My husband and I have a similar early prego memory that we relived with a simple "Look, honey, there's that bar you pooped in" whenever we drive by. Thank you for cracking me up so thoroughly every single day!

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  36. I have no words to describe the laughter that I just experienced. Incredible. I laughed out loud and uncontrollably for several minutes. My dog thinks I'm a weirdo and I am truly thankful that I'm home alone right now.

    I'm sure that was an awful experience however I'm truly grateful that you shared it. Oh the laughter. You ROCK!

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  37. Five Guys is overpriced, IMHO. I had to pause several times while reading in order to clear the tears of laughter from my eyes. Great writing.

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  38. So, so funny, OMG I was laughing so hard. How come whenever I read one of these posts I picture one of my darling children doing/saying the same thing?!

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  39. I just found your blog...and OMG, this is seriously some of the most hilarious "schmidt" I have ever read. I just laughed so hard and long I feel kind of weak and wrung out. I am forwarding your blog to all of my buddies...you girls would totally fit in our group, we adore afternoon wine and gossiping at the pool! :)

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  40. i laughed so hard tears were literally streaming down my face, and as i'm typing this, i have a headcold, so all sorts of other unmentionable mucus was running down my face as well. my 3-year-old daughter, who is trying to take a nap, kept peeking her little curly head up over the back of the couch, alternating between looking slightly scared and clearly wondering if i had lost my mind, and saying, in a stage-whisper-that-is-clearly-not-a-whisper, "MOMMA, I'M TRYING TO GO TO SLEEP!"

    sigh. lydia, i pretty much love you. in a totally non-creeper sort of way. if you were any more awsum i think my head would explode.

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  41. ok. it has been a loooooong time since something I have read has made me laugh out loud. I literally had tears streaming down my face..... all because this is the kind of thing you cannot fake!!! Love it! (hate it for you, but love it for the rest of us)

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  42. My cheeks hurt from laughing and crying so much. That has to be one of the funniest pregnancy stories I have ever heard. Just found this blog through a friend and you two have me doubled over.

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  43. I simply must stop reading for the night... I am in serious danger of waking the rest of my family I am laughing so hard!

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  44. This is by far my favorite post ever. I laughed out loud and snorted. At 32 weeks with my third I still puke so I see way too much of myself in this and I just have to laugh. Well done Lydia.

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  45. thank you for mentioning you peed a little when vomiting. That happened every single time I v omitted while pregnant with my second, and i though I was the only one. Of all the gross things I talk about after having kids, I'm still embarrassed to say, "Yeah I peed myself." I'm even going to sign this as anonymous

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  46. OMG- when I was preggers with my 2nd- we flew to NYC from NC. And I got sick on the plane and used a barf bag for the first time EVER- and some old Southern ladies (bless their hearts) offered me Pepto-Bismol (and that made me get sick again)... and then in the cab on the way to the hotel I got sick AGAIN - and my husband handed me my 4yr old's ARMY HAT to throw up in, so of course we had to throw THAT out... and he STILL (4 years later) talks about the time "remember when you threw up in my army hat and we had to throw it out???!!!!" LMAO!

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  47. OMG!! I can't stop laughing at my desk at work...people must think I am crazy but this is too funny!

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  48. This made my day. I've had a really bad day today and hormones (being pregnant) has left me a weeping wreck of a woman at work (how embarrassing). This has me laughing out loud (also embarrassing), and I really needed that. Thanks :)

    Although I hope this is not something to look forward too...

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  49. Wow This made me laugh soo hard. My husband keeps looking at me like I'm crazy! I know how you feel. I have very bad weak stomach moments! Especially when I was Pregnant!! Thank you for your post You make my day!!!

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  50. the fact that we ALL STILL PEE a little AFTER kids is what is still making me laugh. priceless. I love you gals!

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  51. OMG, that is probably the single most funny thing I have EVER read in my life!!!! I was laughing so hard with tears rolling down my face that my kids thought there was something wrong with me!!!

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  52. ROFLMBO!!!!!!!!!!! I couldn't even stop laughing to read this to my husband. I am so glad that my son is old enough to wipe his own butt in the men's room and I can NEVER get pregnant again.

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  53. Woke my child up because I was laughing so hard. I couldn't even catch my breath to tell him mommy was fine!! Priceless!!!

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  54. This story still makes me laugh until I pee a little!
    PS They just put in a Five Guys near me and the first thing I thought of was you, Lydia. Thanks! :)

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  55. OMG! I have not laughed that hard at a blog before E.V.E.R. Thank you so much for sharing.

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  56. Not a good idea to read this while having bronchitis, I would start rolling with laughter and it would turn into a coughing fit and then I had most of my family staring at me wonder what sort of seizure I was having.-And mine you I have post-three kids bladder so it was not pretty-Just sayin

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  57. OMFGGGGGGGGGG hahahahaaaaaaaaaaaa
    Ok.. my son is napping... so i have stopped breathing to hide my hideous laughter....

    I am sooooooooooo sorry LOL.......

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  58. just stumbled on to your blog today. this made me laugh so hard and reminded me of my second pregancy i had horrid morning/noon/night sickness my desk use to be almost the furthest one from the restroom i suddenly got sick and tried in vain to get to the restroom at the end of each row of desk was a trash can. i got to the end of my row puked in the trash can felt a little bit better took a few steps made it to the next trash can ... repeat six trash cans till i got to the bathroom. when i was finally done my boss was stand at a new desk only a few feet away from the bathroom with all my stuff the rest of my pregnancy i got to sit mere feet from the ladies room. I left that job shortly after my daughter was born but i still miss it the people there never let me feel embarrassment most of them were moms too and could top any of my grossness.

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  59. I have never laughed so hard as I did reading this post. Tears streaming down my face, laughing loud enough to wake my own 3 sleeping children...this post broke me wide open.
    Thanks. I needed it.

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  60. Awesome. Thanks for sharing.

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  61. I have tears streaming down my face from laughter. I don't often laugh out loud from reading anything, but wow, I needed that good laugh.

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  62. OMGod. I am cried and laughed. Oh my goodness, I'm sharing this because I simply must share this story.

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  63. I had puky pregnancies too, 3 of them. The last one was the worst. I actually threw up in the bottom of the dishwasher one day because there were dirty dishes that were stinky & that set me off. When I was done, my 7 yr old son looked at me & said "Mom, are you ok? Because you really need to run the dishwasher now that you puked in there!" Bless him, he didn't tattle on me to Daddy when he came home that night.

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  64. I am reading this just now because somebody else mentioned it. I was laughing SO hard that my husband came to see WTH was going on.

    You guys should write comedy. Yes, what happened to you was bad, but your way of telling the story is just too funny. Modern Family funny --and I think your lines are much better!

    Thanks for the laugh I need so bad.

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  65. ok...i have never cried and laughed so hard at a story told by someone i didnt know! and then i clicked the professional family link and it happened again. oh my lord you are funny. thank you!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

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  66. Oh that is soooo Good! I have not laughed that hard in a while! you go girl!

    Got anymore?

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  67. Tears of hysterical laughter stream down my face. This is THE. BEST. STORY. EVER. Thank you for telling this. You are awesome!

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  68. Wow! Thanks for the laugh- my stomach is still aching.

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  69. mwahahahahahaha

    i'm sorry but after 4 vomitting pregnanices i too feel i have earned a good laugh :) thank you.

    i too have stories to tell but i think yours have me beat

    xxxx

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  70. A friend posted this on facebook to share, and I thought, Oh yeah another thing to read...while rolling my eyes, But WOW WOW, was I glad I clicked on it!!! You are a talented writer and I had to take a minute to tell you...after I caught my breath and regained color in my face after laughing and literally rolling on the floor. That was Friggin' AWESOME!!! Thanks for sharing; I cant wait to see if there is more!

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  71. I just bit through my lip to keep from laughing out loud because I did not want to wake up my kids. This has got to be the funniest thing I have ever heard. Now to go clean up some blood!

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  72. I had the kind of horror story morning sickness that never went away. It started when I was four months pregnant and lasted until the day my son was born. If I had a dime for every time I peed myself...throwing up, sneezing, coughing...I would pee. LOL!

    Once, on the way to see some friends with my husband, I became suddenly and violently sick. I grabbed the first thing handy, and old drink cup. As I sat there vomiting for all I was worth into a little paper cup...praying it didn't overflow. I peed myself...and I mean HARD. Not a dribble...a full fledged power stream with every BLAAAAHHHH!....Needless to say...we had to go home.

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  73. This has to be the funniest thing ever I had to stop to wipe tears. Thanks!

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  74. OMG! I am crying from laughing so hard! This is my 1st time reading your blog and this was written so well; I totally felt like I was there. As a mommy of 3 children within 20 months, I can relate! Love it!

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  75. My stomach aches and my face is a teary mess from all of the consuming laughter! That's the *funniest* thing I've read in a long time.

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  76. So funny that I almost peed! And I've only had one kid and am NOT pregnant now!

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  77. This is now my new favorite blog. I am pregnant, 35 weeks, and I just had to go compose myself in the bathroom at work because I was crying from laughter. Awesome.

    Psst. I LOVE FIVE GUYS.

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  78. I just decided on a new diet plan. I'm going to lose 20 pounds laughing as I read your blog. Thanks for the silver lining!

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  79. Thank you so much for being you. Truly.

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  80. I just stumbled across your blog a few days ago and this. Is. Beautiful. I laughed so hard I almost fell out of my chair. Love you ladies already.

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  81. Similar experience at Best Buy

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  82. I just read this post for the first time the other day, so I couldn't help but smile a little in sympathy as I took my two kids to the bathroom when we ate at Five Guys this evening.

    My nickname for my kids? The Future Circus People. It stems from their tendency to act like they were raised by wolves when we go to the grocery store and my resulting threat to sell them to the traveling circus if they don't start behaving right. now.

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    1. when i read "future circus people" just now, i lost it. that. is. classic. i'm laughing so hard that i gave myself an asthma attack!

      my dog is now looking at me, head cocked to the side, like he's not sure whether to bark or eat me. i'm sure the kid in my belly feels similar.

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  83. Oh my GOD. I am pretty sure that I just peed myself from laughing too hard. Flipping hilarious!

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  84. Eden Prairie, MN mall. December 23, 2007. 11:34 a.m. Food Court. 3 weeks to go. 2.5 yr. old with me as we sit down to beef & broccoli for lunch after an exhausting 1.5 hr shopping for Dad's Xmas present. After puking for most of the past 8 months, Son#1 had gotten accustomed to patting me on the thigh as I'm puking in the kitchen sink toilet bathroom sink trash can an asking "mama sick?"

    There was that abrupt gagging sensation that only precedes vomiting. I thought "I can't possibly be about to throw up. I haven't puked in at least 2 weeks. It MUST be ..."

    My stroller, 3 chrismas presents, lunch, and diaper bag were abandoned as I grabbed my son and wallet and ran 2 km toward the women's bathroom. I managed to make it to the handicapped stall, open the door and ...

    remember that scene in Meaning of Life?

    I didn't realize, truly did not realize that it was possible to projectile vomit. Really. I went for distance. Son#1 stood there looking on helplessly.

    I got most (some?) of it in the toilet. really. sort of. I think.

    What was passing through my mind as I completely lost control over my body...?

    Damn - I just paid for that!

    I looked at the astonishing amount of beef & broccoli & whatever it was I'd had for breakfast (while being glad morning sickness had gone away forever). I contemplated abandoning ship. I couldn't clean it up. Not without using every single paper towel in the 15-stall room. I walked around and asked 4 different people where the janitorial staff was.

    "I need to find the janitor. I'm having morning sickness," pat the extremely noticeable pregger-belly, "and I'm afraid I got one of the stalls messy. Really messy. Can I get a mop or something to clean up?"

    Why do janitors need unions?

    The white-collar mall manager man said "Don't worry about it. I'll get someone to take care of it."

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  85. My husband is looking at me like I have 5 heads and they are all talking in different languages. I'm laughing so hard I'm crying. And I may or may not have just snorted really loud.

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  86. Thank you! I'm going to read this to my husband... And the comments. He has not let me live down all three rounds of morning sickness... I have thrown up everywhere for the whole ten months for our three kids... The best story happened with our last... I am sitting on a plane... I say honey I need a bag... I need a bag now!!! (my arms are full of sleeping baby) husband hands me a bag and I think I'm being so discreet... Only the bag he has handed me (I've tossed the baby at him) was the bag for the planes blankets... Holes in the bottom...so everything going into it... Is coming out the bottom... Into my lap. it was horrible. And because the smell was sooo gross... I couldn't stop. I got the bag replaced, but had to keep a bag near me because I couldn't stop. And my blessed three year old kept alerting the sleeping plane to mommys being sick AGAIN.... Are you kidding me mommy... Your sick again?! Daddy make her stop!!!!

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  87. Oh wow. I may never want to have kids now. Thank you.

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  88. I am late to this party but I can tell you that you owe me for a new office chair because I laughed so hard I peed IN. MY. CHAIR.

    Seriously, this HAS to be true because you can't make it up.

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  89. Its no big deal. As mommies, we are just used to this kind of thing. And as a person with severe IBS who has pooped in her pants in the oddest of places, I totally understand. We just clean up the best we can, and go on.....

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  90. Corn is highly indigestible. FYI: if you stop eating corn, three to even six months later, you can still find it in your poop. Happened to me, found out it happens to most people. glad I don't eat corn anymore.

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  91. OMG - I am so sorry you had to go through that, but SO glad I am not the only one who has stories like this!

    Like there was the time I had to shriek at my husband to pull the car over so I could barf in a back lane (fortunately missing the window wells); or the time I horrified my SIL when I almost barfed in a restaurant at 9 mo pregnant after biting into a fatty piece of chicken; or the THREE pairs of shoes I owe my OB/GYN after barfing on them in the 3 days AFTER giving birth. I could go on and on... Second baby was better than first but not by much!

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  92. I just laughed so hard that I cried. For like 15 minutes. And people around me (at work) looked at me like I am crazy. Thank you times infinity for sharing this!

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  93. This post totally jinxed me. My husband and I took our 3 LTS's to the recently opened Five Guys in our town mere days after I first read this post (and laughed til I cried; I probably shouldn't have laughed quite so hard). My son got "the look" on his face shortly after we started eating and I rushed him to the bathroom. He puked on the floor, just missing the toilet. Luckily the contents of his stomach were a couple of fries and some Sprite, so it wasn't as bad as it could have been, but there was a not-very-understanding lady waiting to use the restroom who gave me her very best "B" face when I informed her my son had thrown up and she might not want to go in there. In my own defense, I cleaned up as best I could with the paper towels available and no one would have known had I not said anything, but I couldn't in good conscience *not* say anything. But, after she pulled that face on me, I almost wish I'd let her go in unawares. I also had the pleasure of having to inform the poor Five Guys workers that someone needed to go mop the women's restroom. At that point, we packed up our uneaten lunch and tore out of there like the whirlwind of destruction we must surely have seemed to be. I swore I'd never go back, but my husband convinced me to give it another shot, albeit several months later. I was sure I'd see some sort of persona non grata poster with a security camera photo of me and my family, but I didn't. I did, however, get a big dose of Guilt and Shame when my son promised he wouldn't puke at Five Guys like he did the last time. Against all odds, Five Guys has become our Sunday after-church tradition. I totally wouldn't have predicted that.

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  94. I LOL'd at this entire article. My two daughters (now 5 & 2) kept looking at me like I am an alien from another planet - as if they've never see me laugh before LOL. I have to share tho... It is only because I *never* barf that I was able to hold it together, but just barely, while we were shopping at Babies R Us with our 2 yr old when I was barely pregnant and not showing as well. My daughter was sick and had one of those snot noses where the boogers look like slime from a kids game show. We're standing in line, I search my purse, my pockets, I ask the cashier, I send my husband to the men's room not even 30 feet away in a desperate attempt to get the boogers that were dripping ever closer to her top lip. And that's when she did it - she slurpped them right up (gagging now at the very thought) and I swear I felt myself turning green! My hubby got there seconds later while I was struggling to get air and NOT throw up everywhere. And the cashier started asking "Did you see what she did? She ate those boogers!" I think I gave her the look of death as I sputtered "Stop! Stop! Pregnant. Morning sickness. going.to.puke. EVERYWHERE IF YOU DO NOT STOP!" She looked at me like she thought about saying it again just to see if I really would. I shouldn't have held it - she deserved it.

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  95. I loved ALL of this...all the comments too...Christi T I think you should have puked all over her :)

    THANKS for making me LOL on a regular basis

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  96. I almost peed in my pants from laughter. Thank you for trumping my worst mommy moment!

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  97. This story was so funny, I just peed a little from laughing so hard. Oh what I have to look forward to!

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  98. Seriously?! You describe in infinitesimally minute detail almost down to the color of the bathroom tile, and NOW you say "I will spare you the specifics..."???/ SERIOUSLY???

    LOL!!!

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  99. I have tears running down my face... Absolutely hilarious!!

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  100. I literally could not stop laughing for ten minutes after I walked away from the computer - and then I called my best friend and told her about it and it started all over again! Tears were running down my face, and I had a hard time catching a breath. Truly the funniest thing I've read in a long time. My daughter came to find out what was "wrong" with me, as she thought I was losing my mind from the hysterical laughter coming from the office! Thank you for the much needed laugh!

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  101. Oh dear maude, that was the funniest thing I have read. You are my David Sedaris. Thank you!!!
    It reminded me of my Oompa Loompa story. I had just left my second with my husband for the first time ever and had ridden away for a free-wheeling Wal-Mart trip. I felt my stomach churn as I drove into the parking lot but I couldn’t do anything about it. I parked and walked toward the store when I passed gas and KNEW I needed to get to a restroom soon. I hustled in deep fear of something crazy about to happen and was slightly worried something…something!!...had already…happened.
    I rushed to a stall as nonchalantly as I could in front of all those people and pulled down my pants while simultaneously sitting and…released.
    Worst stomach churning mess you can imagine. No need to describe.
    When I paused, I began to worry about all those people I’d rushed by but I couldn’t hear anything. Until.
    Until the door opened and a woman came in and boomed out, “OO-OO-OOH That’s some kinda OOMPA LOOMPA.”
    She continued to mutter and I worried about WHO she was talking too, while laughing silently,
    I kept laughing while I heard three different sinksworth of handwashing, laughing and pulling my feet up to rest on the deargod nasty flecked stall door.
    I scuttled out of there but not until I KNEW I was alone.

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  102. This is THE funniest thing on the internet. Or if it's not, the other websites need to be burned. I laughed so hard I nearly puked (from morning sickness, obviously). Your blog is truly a gem!

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  103. I love you! I cried and laughed so hard! Thanks for the hilarity! I have 5 kids myself- I've been there!

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  104. Just like everyone before me has said,"I laughed, cried", and just plain think it was the funnest thing I've every read.I have to say, we can all relate if you've had children. I only have one, and while NEVER in this kind of situation, I can only imagine the distress you were in. I just found your Blog and will be a faithful fan from here on out. Please don't stop making me laugh so hard that I peed. lol

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  105. A coworker of mine turned me onto this blog recently. I am so glad she did. I have been sitting here, reading this, laughing so hard I'm crying (all the while, my coworkers in nearby cubes are prairie dogging up and down to figure out what the hell is my problem), and all the while just glad someone else goes through the same crap. I LOVE it. Thank you so much for this site!

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  106. I just have to share this - I have this thing about public toilet seats and my doc sent me to the clinic to have labs and a sonogram done and part of the labs was a urine sample. So I tried hovering over the toilet to get my sample only I ended up having the "rogue" stream go down my leg and as I wiggled around to try to stop the rogue stream I lost my balance and fell back toward the toilet seat. I dropped my sample as I frantically clawed for the sink and rail to keep from landing on the seat, which I missed by about 1/2 inch, only when I stood up I discovered that I had peed ALL OVER THE PLACE - my pants, my shoes, the floor, the toilet - EVERYWHERE. For a split second I considered just dashing so no one would know it was me, only I noticed that the sample cup was bobbing up and down in the toilet with MY NAME PRINTED ON THE SIDE. So now, the gal that wouldn't sit on the toilet seat is actually STICKING HER HAND IN THE TOILET to fish out the cup, then I cleaned the bathroom up with about a zillion paper towels. Now, the entire time I'm doing this I am hearing the tech open and close the damned metal door looking for my sample. Not only did I have to go out and explain to the tech why I was in the bathroom for 45 minutes and still didn't have a sample,but I also had to go out into the lobby in my pee-pee pants and wait to have my sonogram done. And did I mention that they had just completely remodeled the bathroom? I'm quite sure I'm barred from there....

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  107. first time to your blog. ROFLMAO

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  108. That's ok. I projectile vomited all over at church... moments before services were about to start. Sigh... If only I had pregnancy as an excuse that day!

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  109. Oh my - I wanted to laugh hysterically but I'm working in a computer lab full of men (my students) so (because I'm pregnant) it becomes crying instead. Geez...

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  110. That is the funniest thing I have ever read! Still laughing hysterically!

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  111. OMG, this was too hilarious. I was laughing so hard that I was crying. It reminded me of myself and my daughters who have always said whatever comes to their minds no matter where we are at.

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  112. Thank you, Lydia, for making me laugh until I cried. I am 22 weeks pregnant with twins (my first pregnancy). I can only imagine what parenting "adventures" I will face. Lol.

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  113. Thrilled and delighted to have just read that, and discovered your gem of a site! I will be adding RFML to my Favorite Blogs ASAP- thank you for sharing!!!! http://dearlittledarling.blogspot.com/

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  114. My husband thinks I am a total lunatic, and it's all thanks to me finding your blog. I seriously just spent the last five minutes reading this post and laughing so hard my stomach hurts. It's soooo nice to know that I am not the only mommy who has suffered through bathroom nightmares in public. WHY is it that they only decide they have to go to the bathroom IN THE MIDDLE OF DINNER?? Thanks for sharing, your posts always make me giggle and I can so relate!

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  115. Funniest story ever. (In hindsight, of course ;-) ) tears and laughter have my kids baffled.

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  116. Omg. Like omg.

    FTM. 14 weeks in and puking my guys out and I feel LUCKY now.

    Omg.

    And to the lady who's 2 year old ate snot in Babies 'R' Us....your DH deserves a giant smack for NOT taking the kid WITH HIM to get tissue. Seriously. I gagged when I read it and I kinda knew it was coming. Ugggg

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    Replies
    1. I gagged too, that's basically a husbands job to not let his pregnant wife deal with gross stuff.
      HC

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    2. I just want to say that I am amazed you could even attempt to clean the pukey bathroom up. I am not that strong. I have to close my eyes when I puke because if I see it I puke all over again. I'll add my own, when I got pregnant with my 2nd child was the first time I experienced morning sickness and it more than made up for not having it with my first. My husband took me to dinner at Macaroni Grill and I really pigged out, bread, soup, my husband's salad, lasagna, chicken I was eating for 2 after all. That night I started waking up with a stomach ache and I Thought I had food poisoning. I tried to stay asleep but at 5am I bolted to the bathroom and puked up everything in the bathroom sink like I hadn't chewed at all, there was lettuce and it was awful. You know when you throw up so hard it comes out your nose, I was crying. I Finally stopped, eyes closed and went to pee. I came out after a minute eyes still closed afraid to see the destruction and my husband says, everything's fine I already cleaned it. Sure enough my sink was sparkling. I asked him how?? He motions with hands, oh I just scooped the puke out like this and used a wipe. I almost puked all over again. He's gross but thank God I have him.
      HC

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  117. Oh sweet Jesus I am crying laughing at work. Wow...I will truly never enter a Five Guys and NOT think of this story...I may never make it to the line to order on account I will be re-living the story, laughing, and feeling your pain. Thank you for sharing - what an AMAZING woman!!

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  118. OMG...That was the funniest thing I have read yet!!! I don't think I have laughed that hard in FOREVER! THANK YOU!!! IT made my day!!!

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  119. I just about fell out of my chair laughing, this was awesome (not the embarrassment) but definatly one of those "stories to never ever tell that always gets told a family events"

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  120. You.... actually left the shit and vomit in the bathroom? I know that pregnancy can be hard, but that's no excuse to be an asshole to the janitorial staff.

    I had to clean up shit like this when I worked in fast food. Thanks.

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  121. Thank you for reminding other moms that we are not alone! I laughed my whole way through reading this and then had to share.

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  122. I was 3 months pregnant when my husband and I took a cruise that (of course) encountered the roughest waters the crew had ever experienced. For me it was a week aboard the HMS Vomit. I thought that a stroll on the deck in the fresh air might settle my stomach a bit, but with the rolling of the seas and a belly full of cruise food I was terribly wrong. We were up near the bow of the ship when I felt the lurch in my stomach start deep and wave all the way up swaying my back in the process as I clamped 2 hands over my mouth and ran for the ship railing. There was no time to get to a bathroom, this was my last best option. I hurled into the ocean with a force that my have required an exorcism. Except that I didn't. The combination of the ship's forward trajectory and the wind meant that I had puked a truly impressive amount all over the fancy expensive cabin balcony below me. I can't even imagine being the person in the cabin who either watched vomit rain down from the heavens, or had to return to a pool of completely unexplained puke.

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  123. oh my! I'm 52 but what memories it brought back...28 years ago..HOT HOT HOT Texas summer..7 months pregnant..traveled by car about 4 hours away for my husband to be in a wedding. Got there early and decided to eat...BAD IDEA...During the wedding i got SO sick..But guess what? to get to the bathroom you had to walk to the FRONT of the sanctuary..that was NOT happening! Luckily the reception was at the house next door..they showed me to a bathroom where I stayed for like an hour..it was not pretty. Immediately after the wedding my husband drove as fast as he could to get me home! In hindsight I should have waved to my husband and said see you when you get home!

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