Wednesday, March 17, 2010

A Rant to a Bad Neighbor

Dear Bad Neighbor,

Hi. I have no idea why, but for some reason you consider me your friend. Maybe it's because I try and reason with you before I call the police on your noisy friends/illegal "sales" activities/tireless car parked in front of my house for three months/adult, unaltered pit bull running around off leash/borderline abusive screaming matches with your girlfriend at 3am.

Here are a couple of reasons why we're not friends. Number one - you are a spoiled, inconsiderate douchebag who was only able to afford a house in this neighborhood (which I can't - I'm a renter) because your parents gave you the down payment. That's just great. Remind me to key their Mercedes the next time they visit. I am guessing it was worth the $50,000 it took just to get you out of their house. And I can't blame them one little bit because I am voluntarily broke and I am ready to sell a kidney in order to raise the cash to move away from you. Or get you to move.

You single-handedly ruined what was a great little street. There was this awesome combination of retired couples who adore kids and families with young children, who could safely play ball or ride bikes in every yard and always get a friendly "hello" and smile. Need an egg? Just knock on the door. No need to go the store.

Then came you. And your felonious, alcoholic, dickwad renter of your basement room-mate. 23 years old and living on your own for the first time. Setting off fireworks and drunkenly screaming "Wooooo Hooooo F*ckers!!" at 5:30 am. Welcome to the neighborhood.

Then, after the Summer of Never Sleeping Because of the New Douche Neighbors, I finally confronted you about your roommate's sales activities, and the fact that while I did not care a lick what was done inside the privacy (and quiet) of your house, that you were within 1,000 feet of a school and that carried with it federal mandatory minimums and I am in legally in possession of a firearm and I know every cop in the County and I am 8 months pregnant, working full time, raising two small children and my teenage sister and I am about to square up because I am muthacrunkin' DONE.

Happily, your room-mate moved out and your girlfriend moved in. She seems very nice. The noise level went way down and she spent hours upon hours working on your yard. But I pray the two of you are using contraception because the late night fighting is bad. Really bad. And then, after several months of relative quiet and law-abiding activity (that I attribute to her), you got the dog.

I love dogs. I even like the so called "dangerous breeds". I own a rescue dog that was saved from the very mean streets of north Philadelphia. But your pit bull is a loaded gun in the hands of a barely literate, beer-soaked jackass. Need proof? Look at the ridiculous penile-over-compensation name you gave him. Your dog is BUTCH and you are a big tough man, we get it. For people who breed and sell pit bulls, any prospective buyers who suggests naming the puppy after a convicted felon, NFL player, professional boxer or a mono-syllabic superhero should be asked to leave your property immediately and barred from any dog other than a bichon frise. And should be forced to walk their fluffy dog with a sparkly leash/collar combination while carrying a purse. Filled with tampons.

Your so-called attempts to "discipline" him include screaming, shaking, and letting him roam unattended a neighborhood full of children. And let's not forget the neglect! Remember when you left him outside all day in the freezing rain and I tried to get him inside where he might be warm, and even with cold cuts and dog biscuits he was too scared to come to me. Not good.

The only time that dog has ever played with a ball was when he approached the Capn's testicles in an alarming fashion. So the Cap'n threw a snowball for him to fetch with an enthusiastic: "Go git it! Go on, big dog!" Fortunately, the ball that the dog retrieved was not attached to my husband's Vas Deferens. And a friendship of sorts was formed. We feel sympathy and fear for the future of this animal.  But that sympathy does not extend to your dog being allowed anywhere near my children or any child on this street.

Recently, during Snowmageddon, you proved yourself to be perhaps the biggest jackhole on record. In the federal douchebag registry that Kate and I are creating, you are currently the only non-celebrity in the top 25. First was parking your ginormous SUV so that it blocked our entire street (but offered you easy access to a plowed road) so that no one, not even the ambulance or 4-wheel drive EMT vehicle needed to save a neighbor's life, could get through. So we all had to shovel a path for the emergency vehicles so that someone wouldn't die. It was fine though, Ellen was there and she took care of it and shoveled her 5'1" ass off. When the cops towed your SUV, your neighbors were literally cheering in the streets.

But you wouldn't know that because you were still sleeping it off at 11am. (Oh yes. That's another reason you think we're friends. Because I called you maybe ten times after the ambulance showed up telling you to move your damn vehicle or it would get towed and somebody might die of insulin shock. You think I did it out of concern for your Tahoe - that says it all).

Then you and your friends thought it would be hilarious to drink all night in lawn chairs in a make-shift igloo, while being as noisy as possible - including the requisite screaming at your girlfriend. So someone called the cops. Unfortunately, you talked your way out of it and the police left. You then spent the next half hour gloating about it. How you could talk your way out of a paper bag? Except you were shouting it out and everyone heard you.

Bad Neighbor, now is the time for you to tread lightly. Because after 18 months of making excuses for your bad behavior, there is an entire neighborhood of people intent on your downfall. And I am far from the most wound-up on the subject of what should be done about you. Be glad you live in a time where angry mobs with pitchforks exist only on Phinneas and Ferb. Just give me a reason to call the Po Po on you. Because you are out of warnings.

But I do want to thank you. For reminding me why I quit my job to focus on my kids. Because, if any of them ever start to act like you, they will remember what you did to our neighborhood. And they will remember how the Cap'n and I tried to raise them. And they will act right. Meanwhile, we're looking for a new house.

And I'm teaching the kids to square up.

xo, Lydia

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13 comments:

  1. DOUCHEBAG !!!!!!!!!!!!!! He is a huge one! GGGRRRRRRRRRRRRRRR, LYDIA, YOU ARE A ROCKSTAR!!!!!

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  2. OMGosh do you live in Hamden, CT? We have new neighbors who do the same thing. Granted it's been pretty quiet since winter hit but the second it's warm out, it will start up again! Oh and they bought not just one dog but 2! They are wicked cute(chocolate lab and siberian husky-both puppies) and I'm tempted to steal them. I love that they can't fix their fence to keep their dogs out of my yard that my friends and I spent a WHOLE summer working on so it was safe for my daughter this summer! When I returned the dogs to their front door. All I got was an OH! Thanks from the bittie. He boyfriend or whatever he is a BIG D-BAG! UGH...the revving up of all their shitty vehicles and the loud a$# friends that come over and pull the same crap! It's so old and there will be no warnings on calling the cops. I have an 18 month old who needs to sleep. I am the mom of an 18 month old that needs to sleep to keep up with that 18 month old and when I don't sleep I'm a super Biotch and I will make their lives a living hell!!!

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  3. Ha. Okay, here is my tale of woe...

    The neighbors across the street, who I affectionately call "the scummers", have 3 children and the eldest child, who is 16, has a 3 year old. Also living in the house is a grandmother, mange infected St. Bernard, and a pit bull.

    1. I consistently find the 3 year old wandering unattended in my yard. Keep in mind that I live on a 26 acre farm with a stream that runs through it. My favorite time was when I found him in the backyard and my son and I went out to get him. He wouldn't come to me and I was afraid he would try to cross the street by himself so I tried calling for someone to come out of the house and get him. The baby momma came out and tells me "oh I went to the bathroom and he must have gotten out." I was like "really, because we've been out here for 20 minutes. maybe you need to see a GI doctor for that." Then I noticed the kid was covered in some huge rash all over his face. I asked her what it was and she tells me "oh the Dr. isn't sure what it is, but he doesn't think it is contagious." Hmmm - nice.

    2. The St. Bernard - which is also covered in some unexplicable skin condition - spends the day tied to the front porch. On occasion he breaks the leash. Once he cornered my mother-in-law in the house because he got on our porch and barked at her everytime she tried to open the door. We also have a lawyer that is calling everyday because the dog got loose and attacked an old lady going for a walk. Of course, my dogs were going ape sit while I was trying to put my 4 month old down so I went outside - witnessed the entire debacle, got the old lady up and drove her home. Now I am a "witness." Do I look like I have time for depositions? I have 3 small children.

    3. The pit bull pees all over my plants and flowers, killing them. I tried to explain this to the lady and she tells me "yeah, he does that to my plants too" - ummm ok, but you do realize he isn't MY dog and it shouldn't be my problem. Man up and spend the money on an electric fence like the rest of the neighborhood.

    4. It gets better. Wait for it, wait for it...the woman runs a day care. CPS is over there at least twice a month. She has gated off the front porch and the children spend all day in diapers penned out there throwing garbage into the yard. I had to bring some mail over that had inadvertently gotten delievered to us and stepped over skoal cans, plastic utensils, and copious amounts of dog poop.

    5. They drive their snowmobiles through our fields at 3 am. Have you ever heard a snowmobile? They are loud. I also suspect the woman is having an affair as an unidentified white truck - sans muffler - peels in and out at 1 pm everyday. Yes 1 pm - nap time. Fun times.

    6. All the kids come over year round to either hang out, use our pool, or sled down our hills. I feel bad for them. I think they like to be in a clean environment - at the very least in a house that has curtains versus bed sheets. But honestly, what do I have to talk with a 12 and 9 year old about? After seeing there parentage and living conditions I am pretty sure they are future pedophiles, criminals, and/or disease carriers who i do not want around my kids.

    Umm - wow. I guess I have been bottling that up. I must go now and try to get something done before my kid wakes up and we go pick the others up from preschool.

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  4. We have neighbors behind us who have been there WAY too long. Most years the house has been the base for drug dealing and loud, obnoxious, drunken parties. Last year it seemed a lot quieter and it seemed like a little girl lived there. We'll see what the story is this year now that spring has shown up...because they are only fair-weather a$$holes! Oh and the other neighbors behind us...SIX little girls who we call the screamers. And it's NOT "I'm having good clean kid fun" kind of screaming. It's "help, I'm being murdered" kind of screaming. Can't call DSS on them, cause when you look in the back yard to see why they are screaming...they're just screaming...while their stupid-a$$ parents just sit there and ignore it. Geez, tell yer kids to shut it! Who taught them that it's all right to scream as if you were getting beaten to death?

    Hope you have luck getting the deadbeats out! And if you succeed, let us know HOW you did it!

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  5. The worst neighbors I ever had fought every night at 11pm and I got to listen through the paper-thin walls that separated our bedrooms. Apparently, one night, the subject of the fight was personal boundaries because I heard Mrs. Neighbor say, clear as day, "Stop! I don't want you messing with my butthole."

    I'm not over it yet.

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  6. Lydia - I have heard about your douchebag neighbor from Ellen. Next time I am up your way I will personally take pride in letting my very vocal pre-school, toddler and baby boys play in front of the douchebag's house at 6am when they wake up. You are more than welcome to join me! :)

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  7. Oh dear God! What a freaking nightmare. My biggest neighbor issue is a barking dog. Eight hours a day. Barking. Barking. Barking. I'm trying to study and barking, barking, barking. I feel for the dog. I hate the owners.

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  8. By the way...thanks for being my first (and only) followers! I'm honored by your presence 'cause you ladies are the queens of awesomeness and you made me feel all happy inside!

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  9. Oh, Lydia....I am so sorry. We've been lucky to have good neighbors at our condo with one glaring exception. We had a neighbor who completely diagnosably lost her schmidt and a husband in deep denial. To be clear, going schitzo is not douchebaggery, but being her husband and completely ignoring it while hiding at work and reassuring the rather freaked neighbors who would see her dancing on her porch and screaming obscenities about her punjana at passersby that it was "under control"...well, THAT is sort of douchey. We actually had to have an inervention, during which he was like, "She refuses to get treatment," and we were like, "That's because she's CRAZY." And while she never got treatment in the states, he somehow was able to get her on a plane (a plane I am glad I was not on, BTW) to go visit her family in the country she was from and get treatment there. We actually got a nice note from her apologizing for her behavior a few months ago. I haven't seen her around....not sure if she ever came home.

    With general douchebaggery, you sort of know what to expect. Mental illness, though...There was a time when I was literally terrified that some day she was just going to go postal with a gun or something out her window. Good times.

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  10. *L* several years ago I moved to an area where there were 9 drug houses on one street. Thanks to the neighborhood coming together we closed them all down along with most of the illegal activities that happens weith drug houses. It took us 9 months of being a major pain in the butt and going to city council meetings.
    It took crazies to end the craziness.

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  11. Okay, so we have some neighbors that we "suspect" are involved with drugs. We are not sure what kind of drugs, but we suspect that it may rhyme with "seth". They get home from work at 4am and they are up at 7am working on their "projects". Loud projects, like working on their muffler-free truck and revving the engine over... and over... and over again. Interesting and not-at-all-dangerous projects like burning all of the weeds in their yard with a homemade blowtorch consisting of a gas grill tank + hose + a lighter. Oh, and after our last snowstorm (We live in Atlanta and we had a whopping 3 inch snowfall) they went out and bought a snow blower. They used the snow blower for 6 straight hours because after they blew the snow off of their driveway they decided to blow all of the snow off of their front yard. And their backyard. And the woods. And the street in front of their house.
    I'm sure that drugs are not involved at all. Really.

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  12. After reading that, and all the comments and having my own terrible, having to call the cops on them, neighbors, I fear for humanity. Now I want to move to the middle of no where. Or, you can get your neighbor kicked out and I will come live there (assuming the neighbors will be so happy to get rid of him they will all pitch in for my rent lol).

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  13. Apologies in advance for the longish story. We used to live in California. Neighbors had three pitbulls I had a six month old. Bad combination. After several months of the dogs getting into our yard (We had just moved in, they had a fence, we didn't. Their fence had a hole.) a "visiting pit bull" from his house got into our yard (Snarling, charged me and hit the glass slider at my chest level just as I got into the house and slammed the door). My brother and husband immediately spent a weekend fencing in our lot. This is when Neighbor got pissed that we were "looking over his fence" and threatened to kill my brother, my husband then me, then the baby (nut job, much?) Needless to say, the sherrif was called. Turns out Neighbor was under survelience by the major crimes task force for selling drugs and the humane society for dog trafficking. The dog that charged me? The Captain at the humane society told me they had been looking for him -- he had brought down a horse. "Arrest him NOW." "We can't - we don't have the manpower or budget to continue survelience." I was a PISSED OFF, sleep deprived new mom with maternal instincts were in overdrive -- and I stayed at home all day so I played detective and kept a log of all the cars coming and going, plate numbers, dogs seen, Took pictures of everything -- it was all very Serpico.

    We eventually worked with the sheriff and the landlord and had the guy kicked out...He was arrested a while later (guns, drugs, dogs, etc.) and will be spending a lot of time in jail...where I hope he is treated the same way he treated those animals.

    Vent over. Thansk for listening.

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