But, as it turns out, I can’t do it right now. I am just way too overwhelmed. Here are the top ten reasons why I just do not have my sh*t together enough to write a rant for this blog:
1. I have to go to the Division of Motor Vehicles, because the registration on my car expired. In 2008. That’s right.
2. While walking to a friend’s house the other day, my husband cheerfully announced, “I’m freeballing!” Yes. That’s exactly what you think it is. But sadly, he wasn’t doing it for any of the good reasons. (Although…are there any good reasons?) It’s because the poor man has no clean underwear. I suspect he thinks he's Kramer now - going commando and talking about it. Out loud. I swear I’m gonna get to that soon. Maybe next week?
3. When I actually do laundry, the clean clothes never make it into drawers or closets. For a while, they made it as far as the dining room table (see Exhibit A, below).
Eating dinner on the couch is way more fun anyway, so I didn’t mind. But then the pile got so big that it was toppling over onto the floor, where it started mixing with the dog hair, and that’s just gross. So I got ambitious and decided to start bringing all the clean laundry up to the second floor of the house. Closer to the closets, after all. Currently it’s piled up knee-deep all over the floor of the baby’s room. The baby sleeps in his crib so it’s not like it affects him. And if he climbs out of his crib, he’ll have a soft landing. Safety first -- that’s my motto. Also, my daughter pretends to swim in it. Since it does entertain her for a few minutes – which sometimes allows me to pee without having to fend her off from “helping” me wipe my ass – I’m considering just leaving it there forever. And we’ve adjusted nicely! Now, we just go to the floor pile in the baby’s room when we get dressed in the morning. My husband gets so excited when he finds some clean socks close to the door and doesn’t have to venture too deep into The Pile. And I get so excited when I see how much I have lowered his standards.
4. I need to write thank-you notes to all the wonderful people who came to my baby shower. The one I had in 2006. I mean, it’s just rude to not write thank-you notes. Manners are very important and I want to be a good role model for my children.
5. My recurring carpal tunnel syndrome is totally acting up, so I have to keep my typing to a minimum and save all my wrist strength for Very Important Facebooking.
6. I spend about 80% of my kid-free time hooked up to a breast pump. It seemed like a good idea, since we can’t pay our bills on one income, for me to go back to work and put the baby in daycare. This brilliant idea did not factor in the fact that I wasn’t going to get any work done because I have to spend half the day expelling bodily fluids. Which is as gnarly as it sounds.
7. I have a ton of work to do. So much, in fact, that I’ve hired a babysitter to come over to watch my kids when they’re not in daycare so I can work even longer hours (which you can imagine I am SUPER happy about…not.). But the house is such a mess that I need to spend the day cleaning it because I can’t let the babysitter into the house when it looks like this. That would just be embarrassing. And potentially get me into trouble with the Division of Children’s Services.
8. I literally cannot remember if my dog has been fed or walked yet today. Or yesterday. See Exhibit B.
10. I have not shaved my legs since the day I went into labor with my son. He is six months old.
So as you can see, Mommies, I need to get a few things in order before I can properly regale you with some good Jersey-style ranting. I’m sure I’ll pull my life together soon. If we’re talking in geological time. Until then, I’ve got to get back to slaying monsters.
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