Monday, March 8, 2010

Special Guest Writer: I'm Too Busy for This Post

Hey mommies. Buffy here. When Lydia suggested I write a rant for this awesome blog, I thought, hell yes, I will totally write a rant. I pretty much have no other skills, anyway. I spend the better part of my life ranting about something (and alternately alarming or offending those around me). Like Lydia, I’m a Jersey girl, and we’re good like that. We are, generally, PISSED.

But, as it turns out, I can’t do it right now. I am just way too overwhelmed. Here are the top ten reasons why I just do not have my sh*t together enough to write a rant for this blog:

1. I have to go to the Division of Motor Vehicles, because the registration on my car expired. In 2008. That’s right.

2. While walking to a friend’s house the other day, my husband cheerfully announced, “I’m freeballing!” Yes. That’s exactly what you think it is. But sadly, he wasn’t doing it for any of the good reasons. (Although…are there any good reasons?) It’s because the poor man has no clean underwear. I suspect he thinks he's Kramer now - going commando and talking about it. Out loud. I swear I’m gonna get to that soon. Maybe next week?

3. When I actually do laundry, the clean clothes never make it into drawers or closets. For a while, they made it as far as the dining room table (see Exhibit A, below).

Eating dinner on the couch is way more fun anyway, so I didn’t mind. But then the pile got so big that it was toppling over onto the floor, where it started mixing with the dog hair, and that’s just gross. So I got ambitious and decided to start bringing all the clean laundry up to the second floor of the house. Closer to the closets, after all. Currently it’s piled up knee-deep all over the floor of the baby’s room. The baby sleeps in his crib so it’s not like it affects him. And if he climbs out of his crib, he’ll have a soft landing. Safety first -- that’s my motto. Also, my daughter pretends to swim in it. Since it does entertain her for a few minutes – which sometimes allows me to pee without having to fend her off from “helping” me wipe my ass – I’m considering just leaving it there forever. And we’ve adjusted nicely! Now, we just go to the floor pile in the baby’s room when we get dressed in the morning. My husband gets so excited when he finds some clean socks close to the door and doesn’t have to venture too deep into The Pile. And I get so excited when I see how much I have lowered his standards.

4. I need to write thank-you notes to all the wonderful people who came to my baby shower. The one I had in 2006. I mean, it’s just rude to not write thank-you notes. Manners are very important and I want to be a good role model for my children.

5. My recurring carpal tunnel syndrome is totally acting up, so I have to keep my typing to a minimum and save all my wrist strength for Very Important Facebooking.

6. I spend about 80% of my kid-free time hooked up to a breast pump. It seemed like a good idea, since we can’t pay our bills on one income, for me to go back to work and put the baby in daycare. This brilliant idea did not factor in the fact that I wasn’t going to get any work done because I have to spend half the day expelling bodily fluids. Which is as gnarly as it sounds.

7. I have a ton of work to do. So much, in fact, that I’ve hired a babysitter to come over to watch my kids when they’re not in daycare so I can work even longer hours (which you can imagine I am SUPER happy about…not.). But the house is such a mess that I need to spend the day cleaning it because I can’t let the babysitter into the house when it looks like this. That would just be embarrassing. And potentially get me into trouble with the Division of Children’s Services.

8. I literally cannot remember if my dog has been fed or walked yet today. Or yesterday. See Exhibit B.


10. I have not shaved my legs since the day I went into labor with my son. He is six months old.

So as you can see, Mommies, I need to get a few things in order before I can properly regale you with some good Jersey-style ranting. I’m sure I’ll pull my life together soon. If we’re talking in geological time. Until then, I’ve got to get back to slaying monsters.


Subscribe in a reader
(c)Herding Turtles, Inc. 2009 - 2010


  1. I have similar photos on my own blog form last December and just ranted today that my house seems to be getting worse. I am so so so glad I am not the only one!

  2. My upstairs is trashed right now!!! But on the up note their bedrooms are spotless!

  3. Dying of laughter, but also commisseration. I am tempted to do a patronizing head pat to explain how much better it gets when they get older, but instead will be crafting my own mother of tween & teen post...

    instead I will tell you:
    wine makes most everything better, with the exception of the waist

  4. LMAO! Damn shame you didn't have time for a post ;). And I'm glad I'm not the only one with a completely trashed house...our Pile is in the office on the couch. Even my 2 year old knows where to go for her clothes. But that's just good training, right?


    here ya go girls.

  6. I want to know who it was that made the rule that laundry is supposed to be folded and put away. It's a stupid rule and we should all take glee in breaking!

  7. OMG - I thought you posted pictures of MY house!

  8. How did you steal my life? Seriously. :)
    OK, so I only have one kid, which means you win.

  9. Did I write this post? It's sad how motherhood changes, well... everything. Husband went out and bought new underwear to take on our trip b/c he didn't have any clean. And I was happy he did because that's how much I hate doing laundry!

  10. OMG! I am cracking up! Your post is literally a mirror image of my house. The laundry goes straight from the dryer to the baby's floor in our house as well. I'm with you Rebekah, STUPID rule, Lol!

  11. Ladies it is a sad but true fact that the PILE never goes away. I was unable to train family members or the dogs to fold and sort and put away their laundry. Fortunately, at my advanced age, with both sons now in college, the pile is smaller, and lives on a bed in a room that has a door that closes!!!

    Aunt Mary

  12. Hello my life! My son's room has become the depository for all things I don't want to deal problem, he sleeps with me! I did get my kitchen cleaned this weekend...three loads in and out of the dishwasher and one load by hand. Woo Hoo success! Folded laundry is overrated and I think just proves you have too much time on your hands!

  13. My issue is that I can only do laundry when my 22mo old son is in bed or the high chair bc if he gets even HALF a chance to get into the laundry room, he sticks his feet, hands or face in the dog water, throws the cat food, tries to stick his head in the front-loader, pulls clothes out and throws them in the dog water and Always makes a big finish of going for the cat litter. It's just not worth the stress of trying to switch out and stop all that at the same time. And the timing with nap and high chair... How am I supposed to Facebook at the same time?? LOL! My pile is the couch and gets thrown on bed if people come over or we webcam with his parents. LOL

  14. I have a sectional couch. You know, the L shaped thing, like 7 or 8 feet on each side. Its covered in clothes. So is the coffee table. And they are spilling all over the floor. And when Target had mens underwear on clearance, I bought all of them in my husband's size. 32 pairs. Shouldn't have to fold that for a while :)

  15. I routinely wash my kids' clothes separately (and my husband is in charge of his own laundry, God bless him!), so the clean laundry can sit in the basket in front of the correct kid's closet -- allowing them to dig for clothes from a smaller pile -- until I need the basket again to do the next round of laundry. That means I only have to fold about 1/3 of the laundry from each cycle.

    Loved the photos, by the way! I have too many friends (really, one is too many!) who live in perfectly tidy houses and have housekeepers who come in to make everything clean. It would be impossible to enter my house and not realize that it is inhabited by several small people who own WAY too many toys. And I like it that way just fine! :-)

  16. I'm so glad I'm not the only one with a sea of clothes on the floor upstairs. There's not enough dresser/closet space for all the clothes so why bother putting any of them away?




Related Posts Plugin for WordPress, Blogger...

Popular Posts