Wednesday, March 24, 2010

Top 10 Questions You Need Never Ask Lydia

A few weeks ago, my friend Ellen got a phone call.  The person on the other end of the phone said: "Ma'am, this is blahblahblah at SuperFancySpa.  You have a pre-paid one-hour massage.  Would you like to schedule it now?" 

After Maude-facing her, I was like: "Are you kidding me?  That is one question that you would never, ever have to ask me."  Then it ocurred to me that were a lot of questions that you need never ask me.  Because I am an ass.  So the answer is always, always yes.

The Top Ten Questions You Need Never Ask Lydia

10. Can I pour you another glass?

9. What do you want me to do with all the leftover pizza?

8. Is that funny to you?

7. Are those your kids? The ones that appear to be playing dodgeball? In the church sanctuary?

6. Is that a coffee stain on your boob?

5. Do you want to go to Cracker Barrel?

4. Those look like yoga pants - the same yoga pants - are they?

3. Was that a yawn? Are you tired or something?

2. Did your six old just tell me that my hair "looks fierce"?

1. Did you know that you have a dryer sheet stuck to your ass?

PS: Just realized that I spelled "appropriate" wrong in the wine glass picture.  Maybe I shouldn't be drinking a t-box while I'm joking about them. 


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  1. Oh yes - I am with you on Cracker Barrel - artery clogging goodness!

  2. Nah! Don't switch to dryer balls! How weird would it look to have one of those stuck to your ass ;) ? I'm sure you would get way too many comments about blue balls too!

  3. I am so excited to see a Dolly cameo!! That woman is my idol!! My kids know all her songs. You have never heard 'Jolene' until you hear your 2 year old belting it out!

  4. With you on most of those--especially, "Can I pour you another glass?" Speaking of which, I had very rare time to kill in Target yesterday--thought I'd finally go check out the T-box--maybe even buy one. Low and behold I got over there and discovered T-BOXES ARE CURRENTLY ON SALE-- yeah, 'even yesser! Tried the chardonay last night-surprisingly good!!

  5. You never have to ask me about a second glass, either! (or a third, or a fourth....)

  6. Holy Cow!!! I should post this list on my fridge! LOL My son isn't old enough for dodgeball in the sanctuary, but he HAS discovered the joy of making a break for it whenever the op presents itself. Mmm... My love for Cracker Barrel is a strange thing my family doesn't understand. Add the yoga pants and I think I am going to make an Awesome elderly person. Honey, forget the snow day huge storm, we're going to the Barrel tonight!

  7. The yumminess that is Cracker Barrel cannot be denied...turnip greens and chix & dumplings! I could eat myself sick!

  8. I'm so sad everytime you mention the T-box. I live in TN where they can't sell them! I am dying to try a T-box!!!

  9. three words - country. fried. steak.




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