Monday, March 29, 2010

Top 10: Universal Truths of Babies and Toddlers

Happy Spring Break! Which for us isn't really a break at all. It's all kids, all the damn time and all the teenage babysitters are in freakin' Florida or something. Getting my tan and drinking my fruity drinks in my former body. So, Lydia is off to the Gulag Farm Farm Farmity Farm and Kate is going to New York. Isn't that just so typical? Country girl, city girl. Digging in the dirt, shopping for shoes.
So, we happily present the Spring Not-A-Break Five Day Fiesta of Top Ten Lists. Starting, now:

There are some things that are Universal Truths of Parenting. I discussed one such truth in a recent post. Namely, that corn looks exactly the same coming out as it did going in.  Hey, I never said the Universal Truths were pleasant. Often they're pretty disgusting. And smelly.

Top Ten Universal Truths of Parenting Babies and Toddlers:

10. Changing your own baby's diaper? Yucky. Changing some other kid's diaper? The most disgusting, foul, vomit-inducing experience of your life.

9. Nursing means your baby gets nature's perfect food. It also means you get hunger cravings every two hours that threaten to turn you from a blissed-out new mom into an angry, rabid, fridge-emptying goblin.

8. No matter how many kids you have, you always forget that they understand English before they can speak and you accidentally say sh*t in front of them one time too many.

7. If your little biddy is a good sleeper, it's obviously due to your excellent parenting. If, however, your child is a horrible sleeper - it's just really bad luck.

6. Someone will attempt to touch, pick up, or snuggle your new baby without having washed their hands/used Purel. It is perfectly acceptable for you to scream at educate them.

5. Once you introduce solid food, at some point your child will become obsessed with noodles.

4. For every person who judges you for going back to work there is another judging you for staying home and they all can suck it suck it suck it.

3. Eventually, your kid will be the one with the nauseating green snail trails running from his nose to his mouth. It's unavoidable. That's what tissues and a gag reflex are for.

2. Your toddler will at some point turn into a screaming hell-spawn. Usually in public. If you're Lydia, during a baptism or wedding. It is the mark of a good mommy to shrug it off while stifling your own hysterical, embarrassed laughter.

1. You and husband may be forced to get into the very creepy habit of calling each other "mommy" and "daddy" so that the children don't end up screeching: "LYYYYYDDDDIIIAAAA! Wipe my BOTTOM!" while in public. It's much less horrifying when they call you mom. Trust me.

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(c)Herding Turtles, Inc. 2009 - 2010


  1. Was up trying to avoid doing my work, and your blog instantly sucked me in. This post rang so true in my head I really did "Laugh out loud"! Thanks for making the wee morning hours laughable....
    Your newest #1 fan/follower

  2. AMEN to number 4! I'm the SAH and my kids are teenagers, so I get particularly annoying glances from people when I tell them that. Trust me, there is still plenty of work to be done, even when the hellraisers are not at home most of the day!

  3. bwahahaha!

    So true. My preschooler screamed her head at a craft fair the other day. I couldn't believe the stares. Like no one else has ever had their child throw a fit in public. Haters...

  4. Lol to #9!!! Sent the man to Walgreens at 9:50 the other night because I had just discovered that I was low on peanut M&M's and I NEED my peanut M&M's!

  5. Amen to the creepy calling-each-other-mommy-and-daddy thing. I used to think it was creepy/funny that my grandparents did that to each other. Little did I know. Now my hubby and I do it to each other around out 2YO.

  6. Love #4. I wish the whole working vs. stay at home thing would just END and the rest of the world would let each mom make the best decision for her family and herself and not be judgmental about it!

  7. Aunt Mary does child care very part time for the local city aquatic/fitness center (uncle Richard is getting buff). The city does not see the need for a phone in the child care room. The kids who need diaper changing always have parents in the pool! And no one seems to be able to teach their kids HOW TO WIPE!!! Fortunately, we have plenty of latex gloves.

  8. Changing the diaper or someone else's hell spawn is horrifying. It just smells and looks and is worse than anything. And yep - while not yet in bed - I call Ross daddy to avoid looking like our children boss us around using our first names!

    By the way - those boogers - there is a universal truth that mothers have a second career in getting boogers. Wiping for them...digging them out of noses, evaluating what they might mean in terms of health. We are booger experts!

  9. I love you guys. As I sit here in my pjs and look at my two angels starting the week playing nicely, I cannot help but wonder if this will last the whole day, a whole hour, or only until I finish typing this comment... (sigh)

  10. Freaking awesome. As usual. Amen to #9 and #4... well, heck -- to all of them!

  11. What's worse than your friends suddenly referring to each other as Mommy & Daddy because of their kids? When they do it because of their dogs. GAH.

  12. We call those nose snail trails, "The Green 11's". Love your list - true, as usual...

  13. We call the nose snail trails, "The Green 11's". You are hilariously right as usual!

  14. OMG. You totally had me at #10 and #1. I cringe every time my husband calls me 'Mommy,' and whenever I babysit for friends' children, they immediately have exploding diarrhea in their diapers. Thanks for the laughs!

  15. We used to spell the swear words like sh*t. Until the oldest LTS started running around spelling it too - "S-H-I-T, S-H-I-T". Grrr!




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