Monday, March 29, 2010

Top 10: Universal Truths of Babies and Toddlers

Happy Spring Break! Which for us isn't really a break at all. It's all kids, all the damn time and all the teenage babysitters are in freakin' Florida or something. Getting my tan and drinking my fruity drinks in my former body. So, Lydia is off to the Gulag Farm Farm Farmity Farm and Kate is going to New York. Isn't that just so typical? Country girl, city girl. Digging in the dirt, shopping for shoes.
So, we happily present the Spring Not-A-Break Five Day Fiesta of Top Ten Lists. Starting, now:

There are some things that are Universal Truths of Parenting. I discussed one such truth in a recent post. Namely, that corn looks exactly the same coming out as it did going in.  Hey, I never said the Universal Truths were pleasant. Often they're pretty disgusting. And smelly.

Top Ten Universal Truths of Parenting Babies and Toddlers:

10. Changing your own baby's diaper? Yucky. Changing some other kid's diaper? The most disgusting, foul, vomit-inducing experience of your life.

9. Nursing means your baby gets nature's perfect food. It also means you get hunger cravings every two hours that threaten to turn you from a blissed-out new mom into an angry, rabid, fridge-emptying goblin.

8. No matter how many kids you have, you always forget that they understand English before they can speak and you accidentally say sh*t in front of them one time too many.

7. If your little biddy is a good sleeper, it's obviously due to your excellent parenting. If, however, your child is a horrible sleeper - it's just really bad luck.

6. Someone will attempt to touch, pick up, or snuggle your new baby without having washed their hands/used Purel. It is perfectly acceptable for you to scream at educate them.

5. Once you introduce solid food, at some point your child will become obsessed with noodles.

4. For every person who judges you for going back to work there is another judging you for staying home and they all can suck it suck it suck it.

3. Eventually, your kid will be the one with the nauseating green snail trails running from his nose to his mouth. It's unavoidable. That's what tissues and a gag reflex are for.

2. Your toddler will at some point turn into a screaming hell-spawn. Usually in public. If you're Lydia, during a baptism or wedding. It is the mark of a good mommy to shrug it off while stifling your own hysterical, embarrassed laughter.

1. You and husband may be forced to get into the very creepy habit of calling each other "mommy" and "daddy" so that the children don't end up screeching: "LYYYYYDDDDIIIAAAA! Wipe my BOTTOM!" while in public. It's much less horrifying when they call you mom. Trust me.

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