Wednesday, March 31, 2010

Top 10: Universal Truths of Big Kids

We consider big kids to be kids who go to elementary school. So for the sake of convenience, let's say Kindergarten through fifth grade. Here they are.

10. Every one of them can negotiate better than a professional trial lawyer. Particularly where bedtime is concerned.

9. For some reason, there is some need to take Bakugans, hairbrushes, extra clothes, different shoes, unnecessary books, wallets, anything that's mine, or ginormous water bottles to school in their backpacks. Please stop. One, something is going to get lost or stolen. Two, it just makes it heavier, guaranteeing you come closer every day to resembling Quasimodo. And, three, you always hand it to me to carry. Just because I carried you for nearly an entire year at one point doesn't mean I want to be a pack mule for your crap now.

8. Erasers apparently serve as a snack while doing homework, leaving only the wet, mangled and masticated shreds of the metal ring as evidence of the crime.

7. Getting them out of bed Monday through Friday? We've turned on the lights, opened the curtains, blasted Lady Gaga, and ripped all the covers off them... and they still manage to turn over and go back to sleep. Yet, Saturday, up at 6am. Thank you. Lil' Wayne and I will be taking our revenge Monday morning.

6. "Take a shower" translates into "stand under running water and do nothing for 25 minutes, then dry off." A word of advice to perpetrators of this ruse: wet, unwashed hair smells even worse than dry, unwashed hair...which is why we told you to take a shower in the first place.

5. They are atrocious liars. Somehow, the answer they want to give seems to be hidden in the upper outside corner of one of their eyes. Another word of advice: Lie BIG. Even if we know that there's no way that Darth Sith and Luigi emptied out the Toy Closet and then self annihilated in a battle to the death, leaving you with the unfortunate mess, we'll appreciate the creativity. And imagine you'll make a great storyteller someday. Or very unsuccessful criminal.

4. At 10 years, 3 months and 18 days, boobs become a very big deal.

3. They can roll their eyes so hard we can hear it. We imagine it's the sound of tendons snapping.

2. If there is a particular behavior or characteristic that you can't stand and work very hard to discourage in your child, that is exactly what they will seek out in their brand new, very best friend. So whether it's a 6-year old dressing like a Bratz doll or an 8-year old who stays up 'til midnight on weekends watching "300" on cable, you lose. Because even if you win, you're now the bad guy. So you lose.

1. Best Part? They're not teenagers. Yet.

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