Wednesday, March 31, 2010

Top 10: Universal Truths of Big Kids

We consider big kids to be kids who go to elementary school. So for the sake of convenience, let's say Kindergarten through fifth grade. Here they are.

10. Every one of them can negotiate better than a professional trial lawyer. Particularly where bedtime is concerned.

9. For some reason, there is some need to take Bakugans, hairbrushes, extra clothes, different shoes, unnecessary books, wallets, anything that's mine, or ginormous water bottles to school in their backpacks. Please stop. One, something is going to get lost or stolen. Two, it just makes it heavier, guaranteeing you come closer every day to resembling Quasimodo. And, three, you always hand it to me to carry. Just because I carried you for nearly an entire year at one point doesn't mean I want to be a pack mule for your crap now.

8. Erasers apparently serve as a snack while doing homework, leaving only the wet, mangled and masticated shreds of the metal ring as evidence of the crime.

7. Getting them out of bed Monday through Friday? We've turned on the lights, opened the curtains, blasted Lady Gaga, and ripped all the covers off them... and they still manage to turn over and go back to sleep. Yet, Saturday, up at 6am. Thank you. Lil' Wayne and I will be taking our revenge Monday morning.

6. "Take a shower" translates into "stand under running water and do nothing for 25 minutes, then dry off." A word of advice to perpetrators of this ruse: wet, unwashed hair smells even worse than dry, unwashed hair...which is why we told you to take a shower in the first place.

5. They are atrocious liars. Somehow, the answer they want to give seems to be hidden in the upper outside corner of one of their eyes. Another word of advice: Lie BIG. Even if we know that there's no way that Darth Sith and Luigi emptied out the Toy Closet and then self annihilated in a battle to the death, leaving you with the unfortunate mess, we'll appreciate the creativity. And imagine you'll make a great storyteller someday. Or very unsuccessful criminal.

4. At 10 years, 3 months and 18 days, boobs become a very big deal.

3. They can roll their eyes so hard we can hear it. We imagine it's the sound of tendons snapping.

2. If there is a particular behavior or characteristic that you can't stand and work very hard to discourage in your child, that is exactly what they will seek out in their brand new, very best friend. So whether it's a 6-year old dressing like a Bratz doll or an 8-year old who stays up 'til midnight on weekends watching "300" on cable, you lose. Because even if you win, you're now the bad guy. So you lose.

1. Best Part? They're not teenagers. Yet.

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13 comments:

  1. LMBO!!!! It's like you live in my house! My 3 yr old covered yesterday's, my 11 yr old fits all of today's top 10. It's my 8 yr old that gives me hope----til I turn back to my 11 yr old and she reminds me of what I have to look forward too. All of mine are girls. There is never a quiet moment in our house. Thanks for providing the laughs and truths of being a mommy. It reminds us that in everything we can find something to laugh about.

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  2. Let's not forget the whining! Lord knows I can't, even though we are beyond that stage now. But it sure did seem to go on for at least 5 years (per kid). Whining is the behavior that teaches moms how to tune out the world! Ain't it great what kids teach us?!

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  3. I think you need to post a blog about TWEEN GIRLS!! I am pretty sure I am going to enjoy her being a TEENAGER MUCH MORE than this age!!!! I am about to pull my hair out!!!!!!!!! Can I get an AMEN??? :)

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  4. Yep, its all true! At least we know that we're not alone in this!:) Thanks for making me laugh at what I often let make me irritated & impatient....Erma Bombeck would love this!

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  5. #9, #7, and #6 definitely.
    also when you are halfway through a sentence, and you get a "whatever."
    oh.no.you.didn't.

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  6. As a teacher, I feel I should warn parents that any and every secret you have that your child knows about, so does their class. And teacher. Possibly the librarian and at least one of the women in the front office, & any of your child's teachers friends - in school & out. (There's a good chance that if its good enough it made it to Facebook). The dirty words you say when you're driving or yelling at your husband? Everyone knows. Your age? They've known that since the first day of school. The fact that you burn dinner every night? Yep! It only gets better the more your child trusts their teacher. DON'T TELL YOUR CHILDREN ANYTHING!

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  7. Wet unwashed hair DOES smell worse than dry unwashed hair! My nine year-old son has the 25 minute nonshower down pat.

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  8. #6 was so totally my boys! I have made them both go back to the bathroom to shower again. Have also threatend to wash their hair FOR them, even though they were 9 and 10 yrs old! We used to smell their breath after they "brushed" their teeth, too.

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  9. Love #6!!! so true!!!! I just did that the other day!

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  10. Mine just locks the door turns on the shower, uses all the hot water and 15 minutes later when I go in to see if he has bathed well, he is sitting on the bathmat playing bakugan with a shit eating grin.

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  11. The shower thing is so undeniablyyetsadlyitisso true. If I dont specify 'use soap and wash' my 9 year old comes out fo the shower smelling like a wet dog. Your blog is awesome. Love you ladies!!

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  12. I may have given birth to 4 children, but I have 5. The fifth being the "not me" kid. "Who did this? Who didn't flush the toilet? Who left the ice cream out? Who didn't close the door and let all the bugs inside?" ANSWER: NOT ME.

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  13. Christene must have my son's twin.

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