Tuesday, March 30, 2010

Top 10: Universal Truths of Pre-Schoolers

The Top Ten Universal Truths of Parenting Preschoolers

10. If your preschooler is a great eater and happily gobbles up everything you put in front of them, it is obviously due to your excellent parenting. If the little ingrate refuses everything except nuggests and macaroni - it's just really bad luck.

9. They only need to walk past a room to mess it up.

8. You can give them napkins but they're still going to use their sleeves.

7. Just when you think diapers and potty training are all happily part of your past and you get all forgetful and complacent, somebody sh*ts in the tub. If you're unfortunate, there are bubbles. And you don't realize what's been lurking in there until it's far, far too late.

6. If they say something to you and you don't respond, they will only say it AGAIN and say it LOUDER. And if you still don't respond... Well, ignore them at your peril.

5. Now comes the really embarassing behavior in public. Like while checking out at the grocery store. Imagine a precocious three year old boy with the loudest voice in the world. He looks around and says: "That lady over there has a baby in her tummy... The doctor is going to have to take her panties off to get the baby out."

4. Preschoolers are tricky. You ask them to brush their teeth and they look at you like: what is this "brush" you speak of? What are these - how do you say -"teeth"? But at school, they can spell October, clear the table, make pancakes, and cooly inform their teacher that Jacob is the name of the good werewolf.

3. They mispronounce words and it is hillarious but you have to be careful not to laugh too hard or they will be emabrassed or intentionally say: "There goes the firefuck!" over and over. Hawk, for example, when he says "six year old" it sounds exactly like he's saying "sexual". Like his teacher helps him with sexual math and reading. Or his sister's Daisy Scout Troop is lame because it's filled with sexual girls.

2. Nothing is better than watching a 3 year old rock out in their carseat. I do not mean to "The Wheels on the Bus". I mean Lady GaGa or Queen or something completely awesome that they randomly decide that they love more than anything. Nothing that is, except their interpretation of song lyrics. Which are nothing short of genius.

1. Preschool Yoga: One hand down the pants; the other hand opened in the L shape, thumb in mouth, finger up nose. One of the more difficult positions to attain...and even harder to stop. We call it The Mommy Salutation.

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21 comments:

  1. My #1 Universal Truth is that Kate and Lydia always make me laugh until I cry! You are totally describing my life with twin 7yos, a 5yo, and a 2yo who mispronounces adorably ("I go downsnares!")

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  2. Yup, you haven't lived until you have to write a note to your son's kindergarten teacher explaining that he & big brother were playing rhyming games that morning using the alphabet, and the word was truck, and if he says a bad word, he doesn't realize it!

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  3. #5, when pregnant with my daughter my darling three year old had to sit in on my final pelvic exam. He got right down by the doctor and loudly proclaimed "That is my mom's vagina" The dr was laughing so hard he had to stop what he was doing and wipe his eyes. I was mortified, thanks kid!

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  4. this is my first comment on a blog EVER. but i had to post because i heart your blog -- i literally laugh at loud at almost every post.

    i can identify with almost every point on this list, as my almost 3 year old thinks she's going on 13. she gets progressively louder as she asks me 'why' for everything (and when i don't respond she demands, 'tell me!!'); she runs around the house singing 'p-u-n-g-o' and when we try to tell her it's 'b-i-n-g-o' she laughs at us and says, 'noooo, that's wrong!'; and she LOVES to rock out to party in the usa (complete with a choreographed dance to the refrain) and whatcha say. it's AWESOME.

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  5. The grossest part of Universal Truth #1, for me atleast, is when my 4-year old does that type of yoga, but then switches it up. You know, now the hand that was in his pants, is now up his nose and in his mouth. AND vice versa. EWwwww!!!!

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  6. You always having me rolling! Thanks for your blog, its a delight to read it every time! All of these are sooooo true!

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  7. HaHaHa!!!! I am pretty sure my co-workers now think I am bat sh!t crazy with all the laughing over here in my cubicle.

    Thanks I needed this today!

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  8. Number 7 happened to us last week. Ewwwwwww! Luckily, there were no bubbles.

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  9. Are you SURE you aren't talking about teenage boys here? It seems most of this behavior lingers...for. a. very. long. time.

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  10. hysterical! thank you for a good laugh...

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  11. OMG!! #1 is my 3YO Cupcake!! When you try to get her to stop in public, she informs me (very loudly) she has a wedgie in her Suzy (code for vajayjay) I honestly think at this point, she does the L just to see what I'll say.

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  12. Do you know my kids?? Fits them to a T!Thanks for the giggles...it staves off the flames coming out of my head for a few minutes :)

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  13. My then-three-year-old used to love our song leader at church, Sherrod. During the singing, she would occasionally yell, "SHE'OD!" "SHEOOOT!" "SHIIIIIIIIIIT!" Then we'd watch all the locals try not to snicker and all the visitors turn white. Good times.

    And, as usual, your blog rocks!

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  14. Love that picture! I am so tired of saying get your hands out of your pants!
    PS you ladies look lovely today!

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  15. When my kids were toddlers, they rocked out to Jodeci and Blackstreet, Queen and Lenny Kravitz. Awesome. Today, at 9 and 10, they know the entire Queen anthology, and I am so proud. NO BARNEY IN MY CAR.

    #3 reminded me of The Pioneer Woman's little boy who called his Capri Sun a douche bag (juice bag)- HAAA!

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  16. My son loved talking about the "Vampire State Building" in New York City where Grandma and Grandpa lived! You guys always make me crack up!

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  17. Ahh yes, the joyous announcements in public when "firefucks" go by! And baby yoga...don't get me started. Big Time always has a hand in the pants while picking his nose. I guess I'll just consider him a multi-tasker. Ugh!

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  18. Love it! My best moment of the week was when my 3yo proclaimed loudly in Target, "Mom! Wouldn't it be awesome if we could live here? We could EAT PEOPLE!" (laughs maniacally). Yeah, we got some weird looks. Thank god we were at least home and alone when he walked into the bathroom and declared that it "smells like bagina in here."

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  19. My now 14 yr old son was a hand in the pants kinda guy when he was three. I cannot even begin to coun the number of times I had to tell him to take his hand out of his pants in public! I didn't worry so much about it at home. Thankfully no now picking at the same time--at least that I detected!

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  20. I love it! My kid says "dick" instead of "stick" and "shit" instead of "sit." It's pretty hilarious and embarrassing when she starts yelling "SHIT MOMMY! SHIT MOMMY!"

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  21. My daughter cant say her "S" sound and randomly drops the other letters in a word so sometimes we are going to what sounds like the "whore" to buy some food....instead of the store. Leaving a restaurant one day she was talking to the owner and mentioned that we were going to the "hore" next and the lady had the most confused look on her face till i said "she can't say her s's". Some times we go to the ciy to "hee hot" (see Scott), then there's the "hop hign" (stop sign), "Wibba Feewat" (River spirit),"hate board" (skate board), and many more.

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