Tuesday, March 30, 2010

Top 10: Universal Truths of Pre-Schoolers

The Top Ten Universal Truths of Parenting Preschoolers

10. If your preschooler is a great eater and happily gobbles up everything you put in front of them, it is obviously due to your excellent parenting. If the little ingrate refuses everything except nuggests and macaroni - it's just really bad luck.

9. They only need to walk past a room to mess it up.

8. You can give them napkins but they're still going to use their sleeves.

7. Just when you think diapers and potty training are all happily part of your past and you get all forgetful and complacent, somebody sh*ts in the tub. If you're unfortunate, there are bubbles. And you don't realize what's been lurking in there until it's far, far too late.

6. If they say something to you and you don't respond, they will only say it AGAIN and say it LOUDER. And if you still don't respond... Well, ignore them at your peril.

5. Now comes the really embarassing behavior in public. Like while checking out at the grocery store. Imagine a precocious three year old boy with the loudest voice in the world. He looks around and says: "That lady over there has a baby in her tummy... The doctor is going to have to take her panties off to get the baby out."

4. Preschoolers are tricky. You ask them to brush their teeth and they look at you like: what is this "brush" you speak of? What are these - how do you say -"teeth"? But at school, they can spell October, clear the table, make pancakes, and cooly inform their teacher that Jacob is the name of the good werewolf.

3. They mispronounce words and it is hillarious but you have to be careful not to laugh too hard or they will be emabrassed or intentionally say: "There goes the firefuck!" over and over. Hawk, for example, when he says "six year old" it sounds exactly like he's saying "sexual". Like his teacher helps him with sexual math and reading. Or his sister's Daisy Scout Troop is lame because it's filled with sexual girls.

2. Nothing is better than watching a 3 year old rock out in their carseat. I do not mean to "The Wheels on the Bus". I mean Lady GaGa or Queen or something completely awesome that they randomly decide that they love more than anything. Nothing that is, except their interpretation of song lyrics. Which are nothing short of genius.

1. Preschool Yoga: One hand down the pants; the other hand opened in the L shape, thumb in mouth, finger up nose. One of the more difficult positions to attain...and even harder to stop. We call it The Mommy Salutation.

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