Tuesday, March 16, 2010

Top Ten Things You Never Thought You'd Say...

10. "If you don't stop talking and go to sleep I'm going to throw a snake in your room and close the door."

9. "Senator Reid is most certainly NOT hairy and he most certainly CAN read. Stop listening to Daddy."

8. "For the last time. Stop feeding your sister dog food. I really don't care if she likes it."

7. (overheard) "Who's that? Oh hello, son. I'm taking a shower. No! STOP! Back away! It's OK - Daddy can wash his own peeper."

6. "What are you eating? Oh dear. Not it's not. We don't have any. That's. Not. Cheese."

5. "Hawk said he loved naughty songs? Oh. Me? Why would I teach him to sing: 'give that big booty a smack'. Don't be crazy - I would NEVER do that."

4. "I'm tired of hearing about how mean she is. Go punch her in the face."
3. "That's an awesome drawing of a DUCK, and very cool TRUCK, but let's think of another rhyming word, because F-U-C-K is really hard to illustrate."

2. "Please take that cookie cutter off your penis."

1. "Why do I have three children? Ummm, because I had 15 minutes to kill? Go tell Daddy that. He'll laugh."

(c)Herding Turtles, Inc. 2009 - 2010

40 comments:

  1. ROFL!! Literally, lauging my arse off over here... Thank you!!

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  2. Oh my God. I am sitting here laughing like an idiot; just what the doctor ordered.

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  3. HAHAHA... always the best way to start my morning! Love you gals!

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  4. #4 - priceless!

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  5. ROFL!!It's nice to know I am not alone! Thank you :)

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  6. #3!!!! My 5 year old is really really into rhyming. She has accidentally discovered at least half a dozen swear words. Some that even make ME blush!

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  7. omg, if that's not cheese then what IS IT?

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  8. Oh my god Number 2!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

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  9. #4 and #2 are my fave's! You ladies are a riot. Thanks for turning a sleepless night into a pleasant day.

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  10. LMAO! Thanks for that! You can add "Please! Let your brother wash his OWN private area, son." and "If you don't stop rubbing your eyes they are going to fall on the floor and then you will be blind. " Yes, I have actually said these things to my children. (sigh)

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  11. I have said take that random object off your penis..

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  12. most awesome! i once said, "please get the tissue, THEN pick the booger." yeah.

    p.s. word verification - couga. sweet!

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  13. Are we voting? You should totally do a poll for this! Number 4! Nice contrast to the "you should never hit a girl" crap;) I'm just kidding...seriously...I'm not raising THOSE kind of men!

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  14. ROFL!! I needed the chuckle this morning!

    Here is my funny story since my little one is only two months old:
    My sister told me that the other day her husband and son were getting ready for a bath, both naked in the bathroom. Her son lifted up her husband's "stuff" and said, "where is your vagina?"

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  15. thank you for this! too funny :)

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  16. Way too many penis quotes at my house too! I like #4 - I have heard someone say "punch him back until he cries" - not saying that was me.

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  17. OMG. I laughed for like 5 minutes at number 7. And when I scrolled back up to see what number it was so I could write this comment, I started laughing again and forgot the number and had to scroll back up again to check it.

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  18. #2 - so glad is is noy just my son. But at least they have hours of innocent entertainment at their fingertips (as well as they days of not-so innocent)

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  19. quotes from my sister over the phone: "Do not lick the trashcan!" and my personal favorite, "take the cat out of the trash compactor. NOW."

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  20. Stops laughing just long enough to type: I hope you washed the cookie cutter!

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  21. My husband I have our own list like that. Our number one? "Ew. Stop that! Snot is not a snack."

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  22. I was on the phone with my friend and suddenly she screamed "YOU TAKE MY PANTS OFF RIGHT THIS INSTANT!!!" I don't think I stopped laughing for days.

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  23. Hahaha you are hilarious!!! Love them all! Here is one for you I had to say to my 2 1/2 year old son "get you finger out of the cat's butt! It is not a chocolate factory!" Poor cat...

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  24. What is it with little boys and penises?? "Do not have Biscuit (the puppy) lick your penis!"..Yuppers the puppy is scarred for life..

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  25. Oh mah goodness, I am cracking up over here with what I have to look forward to.

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  26. please stop peeing on your sister's foot, dana, get your foot out of the toilet. .

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  27. One of my all-time faves has to be Bill Cosby's,
    "When you're father gets home he is going to shoot you in the face with a bazooka! And I am NOT going to stop him this time!!!". ROFL

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  28. Overheard in store: "We do not eat OTHER people's crumbs off the floor".

    Mine: "Get your hands out of your bottom"; "There is no being naked in the front yard"; "We do not pee in our friend's yards"

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  29. Phrases I never thought I'd utter: Stop putting jimmies in your toes. Don't lick the cat.

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  30. We have a very long list of "We do not eat the _________" quotes. We do not eat shoes. We do not eat crayons. We do not eat the cat. Please don't lick the window.

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  31. My list included, "Your brother is not a step stool"
    "Stop using the cat as a mop" (I told him to clean up the water he spilled, so he was rubbing the cat back and forth over the water spill on the kitchen linoleum.)
    and
    "Stop drawing on your brother."

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  32. omg the penis comments...a few days ago I said "please remove your penis from the radiator." I have also said "tampons are NOT for foreskins."

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  33. #4 made me LOL. I have said that at least once and totally meant it! Also, why do crazy things seem to revolve around penises? My two best lines are "stop poking yourself in the penis with a fork" and "it is a penis, not a pull toy, leave your brother alone while he is getting dressed" LOL

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  34. I come to this post whenever I'm grumpy. The post and the comments make me so happy.

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  35. "Take the cracker out of your vagina. It's not a credit card slider."

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  36. I too have asked children not to lick the cat. And I've told my then 2 yr old to "STOP FORKING THE WALL!!!!" (have you ever heard the 'music' of a toddler fork being drug down wood paneling????) and also "DO NOT RIDE YOUR BROTHER DOWN THE STAIRS." to my then 5 yr old riding said then 2 yr old. I actually have a blog post somewhere about these things as well in the depths of my blog. lol

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  37. you guys are too funny! I've actually had to say "Dont throw the cat at your sister!" judging from the comments, cats dont have it as easy as I thought...lol

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    Replies
    1. Not at all. My mom made the mistake of telling me about ways she and her siblings used to harass their cats, so when I got my first cat at age 7, my little sister and I were constantly throwing her in the kiddie pool, the neighbor's pond etc., pouring water on her, or trying to take her for a walk via a jump rope tied to her collar.

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  38. Thanks for this blog. This is about the 10th time I have read it, and it still makes me laugh! I know it's sad, but I am constantly telling my preteen that if she keeps rolling her eyes at me, she's gonna give herself a brain tumor!

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  39. Don't grab your penis with the ice tongs.

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