Wednesday, March 10, 2010

Vanity is Over-Rated

Let's discuss why maybe "A Commitment to Vanity" is a bad idea. Since the new year, I have been working on not being a train wreck, with limited success. I am starting to think that vanity is over-rated. Perhaps I shall follow John Mayer's example. He "quit" the media game. Perhaps I will quit the vanity game and go back to being my lumpy old self.

Let's do a quick inventory of how things have been going, starting from the top.

Hair: My hair looks better - but if I'm being honest, my highlights look super fake. I wanted it to look sun-kissed. Instead, it looks very Jersey - as if it's being kissed by a big dude from the down the shore named Sonny. That was not the look I was going for.

Teeth: Whitened. They are less hideous but... I wonder if I couldn't benefit from some shiny new chompers, a la Hillary Duff or Shannen Doherty. Has anyone else noticed their teeth? They are big and white and look like Chiclets. That could work for me...

Face: I bought all new make-up. It's mineral make-up and very fancy. You know it's fancy because they sell it on infomercials. It is supposed to be so amazing and miraculous that the Dalai Lama uses it when he's bored with meditating because you can achieve total spiritual enlightenment simply by "buffing" it on with an enormous fluffy brush.

I have had it for five days, and I sort of love it. Actually, I really love it. I love my new mineral make-up with the big fluffy brushes! "Hi big, fluffy brush! I wuv you! I shall call you Buffy and instead of slaying vampires and demons you will disguise my dark under-eye circles and occasional bouts of adult acne! Isn't that awesome?!"

And yes. Maybe I am losing it. For about a year now I have had only one shred of sanity left and a somewhat tenuous grip on it. But it all makes me really happy and that is a little embarrassing for me. But there. I said it. I love make-up. So I guess I'm a girl, after all.

Ass Reduction: I have lost a total of eight pounds this year. And it's been a big cluster of not fun. You know what happened that messed up my whole program? Snow. It started to snow. And it didn't stop for three weeks. And I spent the whole time eating and drinking as if the damn food supply was about to run out. No one my age, who is not a professional lumberjack, should eat pancakes and bacon for breakfast every single morning. The T-boxes didn't help either.

Then, when I was able to dig my way out and get the kids off to school (accompanied by celestial harps playing the hallelujah chorus), something evil and nefarious and extremely delicious showed up on my doorstep... Girl Scout Cookies. They may as well be called Suburban Mom's Kryptonite. Damn you, Samoas. Damn you to hell.

Working Out: You know how I knew it was bad? When I had this - actual verbatim - exchange with my Wii Fit Plus right after Valentine's Day.

Wii: "It's been a long time since your last Body Test."
Lydia: "Yeah. It's been a rough couple of weeks, Wii. Sorry."
Wii: "It is nice to see you again.... Cap'n."
Lydia: "You did not just say that."
Wii Fit: "Just kidding... Lydia. Would you like to get started?"
Lydia: "No. Because I hate you."
Wii Fit: "Are we feeling insecure? Why don't you try not being a fat ass? A good start would be to not eat a whole sleeve of frozen thin mints during American Idol. What do you think?"
Lydia: "I think I am going to crush you."
Wii Fit: "You already are. Look down, dumbass. You're standing on me."
Lydia: "Gaaaahhhhhh!"

Ok, so the last part is made up. But it really did call me Cap'n just to be a dick. That actually happened.

Wardrobe: I have worn heels twice in the past week. Kate is thrilled. Last Saturday, I wore a cute outfit to McLovin's party. No one noticed though because I brought Hawk in his tux and the cuteness was blinding. Well, Kate noticed my outfit and was very sweet and encouraging about it. But the point is I made an effort, dressed like a grown-up and then spilled chocolate on my boob. Apparently, for this vanity thing to work - I will be required to both dress and act like an adult. That may be asking too much.

The next day, I wore a dress to church. I was feeling pretty good. Almost starting to feel swanky. Then, as I walked in the front door - I noticed a dryer sheet sticking to my ass. Take a moment for that to sink in. I looked at my kids and was like: "Did you notice this dryer sheet? Stuck to my KEISTER?" and they were all: "Yup. But you have always random things stuck to you. We thought it was on purpose."

Nice. And the sad part is that they are 100% right. I once went to work with an alphabet sticker of the letter "P" stuck directly over my left nipple. It was there for hours before I noticed because apparently my co-workers thought the same thing: "But Lydia, you have always random things stuck to you. We thought it was on purpose."

Maybe my natural state is one of dishevelment and I am trying to do something profoundly unnatural by making an effort to be cute. Maybe it is my destiny to be a fashion train wreck and I am trying to thwart fate as if I were in a fashion version of Final Destination. We all know those movies never end well. Maybe, possibly, I am making excuses? Naw...

Oh well. I'll give it another week... (Sighs like Eeyore) The Samoas are gone, anyway.

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  1. You know if we were all organized, well dressed, and on time nobody would appreciate those who were good at it. I try to give them their time in the spotlight.

  2. I hear ya. Yesterday in our Lit Lunch I looked down and noticed that I had crumbs all over me... it was like they had burrowed into my sweater because shaking it wouldn't get them out. I then proceeded to try and laugh about how messy I have become post-kid and spilled tea down my front. Needless to say, there was mockery. I like to think I'm put on earth to make other people feel better about themselves.

    Also, the lumberjack comment made me spit coffee. Thanks. Now it's on my pants. :)

  3. Buffy the Vampire SlayerMarch 10, 2010 at 9:51 AM

    I had pretty high hopes for showering today when I woke up on time at 5:45am. You think that happened? And I went jogging, too.

    I have an interesting problem, actually. I am half-Lydia and half-Kate. Here's a good example: I happen to have car payment hair. That I can't ever seem to, you know, WASH. Or take out of a ponytail. I'm really the worst of all worlds.

  4. I love that makeup, too. It's the only thing I have left, post-baby, that is not a hot mess. My best friend gave me a Tide-To-Go for my birthday bc I, too, always have something on me... Altho it is usually food(from the hole in my chin) or goobers of some sort from baby. The Wii Fit is a cruel mistress who says hateful things to make you feel bad. LOL

  5. What you need is a pair of My Butt Tighteners like me and Kate. Not only are they expensive and swank, as you pointed out to me yesterday, they also leave you so off-balance that you cease to care about anything except remaining upright.

  6. I figure it goes like this: Girls who are pretty and put together and fashionable are expected to be that way. Girls like you and I who are hot messes but clean up (fairly) nicely, well, when we *do* clean up and put on some sweet shoes, people NOTICE. And isn't the point people NOTICING? That dryer sheet was simply your protest flag screaming "I really am a beautiful lady. Lookit me! Lookit me!" It's CONTRAST that creates highlighting and focus.

  7. Let me just say, a frozen sleeve of Thin Mints is more satisfying watching the Biggest Loser! Bob and Jillian are powerless over me!

  8. Buffy,
    We love that you are half Kate and half Lydia. We're fighting over you now...
    Today, however, we have upended the universe as you've come to expect it. Kate is voluntarily remaining in her running clothes, complete with sneakers, a pony tail AND and headband. Lydia is all fierce in cute jeans, sweater, MAKEUP, jewelry and hair done.

    Our conversation this morning:
    Lydia: (laughing) You're wearing a headband!
    Kate: You have coffee on your boob.

    You wanna know what a hot mess I was? Mini Mini Me Maude-faced me. But let's be clear. It was *awesome*!

    xoxo Kate
    You wanna

  9. Not sure what that "you wanna" is all about. But I think I love it

    xoxo Kate

  10. So are ya planning on watching Oprah today to find out how your shoes can make you look fat?
    Change is hard and sometimes you need to find a way to make this fun for you. As a woman who is also on the path of being "healthy" after gaining a butt load of wieght thanks to two car accidents and being lazy. I am sure that Kate is the best cheerleader you could ever have.

  11. Buffy the Vampire SlayerMarch 10, 2010 at 4:16 PM

    Keep fighting over me. I like it. My filthy unkempt Car Payment Hair (and other affiliated contradictions) does feel like it might be something I should guest blog about...

  12. The picture of the T-Box is awesome! Thank you. This post made me spit coffee, which is now on my shirt. Luckily it's not lonely...there's already a rather large spot from the spill this morning. Sometimes I think my son's teacher counts the coffee spots on my shirt. I'd love to ask her what my record is, but I'm afraid she'd think I was crazy.

  13. Speaking of the T-box...I saw on the news that women who drink wine are less likely to gain weight. So lets drink to that ladies!

  14. Right there with you sister...BUT I set a record today. For the 1st time in 10 1/2 years I made it till 1:12 before spilling a drink on my boob!! Yeah, I'm celebrating with a glass of red!!
    --Jen Deming

  15. Glad to know I am not the only one who seems to always spill something on her boobs! Actually, I call myself "the faux-pas queen" because if anyone is going to spill food/drink on herself, or say something inappropriate at an inoportune moment that would be me. Love the blog!

  16. Did the P stand for anything? I once made it all the way to a doctor's office with my friend before it was noticed that I had a felt "W" attached to my arse. I told her it stood for "Warning...Wide Load!". Incidentally, the original use of it was that it came from my son's school where they were using it in their Salem witch trials (for social studies). He was designated a witch...thus the "W". Hmmm.

  17. I hate the combination of nursing boobs and nursing tanks - I always have stuff falling down there and it just hangs out itching me. I also hate the single boob look.

  18. I am laughing SO HARD ... and wondering where you have the web cam hidden in my house! I made a reservation to a swanky restaurant for my hub's birthday and told him it was a double gift. 1. The swanky dinner. 2. I am not allowed to wear denim OR my sneakers. He was thrilled.




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