Thursday, April 22, 2010

The Big "D" To Do List

As you may have learned last week, McLovin has left Kate to fend off the IHPs for herself while he's in Afghanistan. Which Happy calls Again-istan. So now we all call it Again-istan. So it should be interesting when and if McLovin has to go back once more in the future, because then we can call it AgainAgain-istan.

Which the only thing funny about Again-istan. Because the rest of it sucks.

We've just finished Week One. And I'm slowly learning that, for all the years that Moms (OK, me...) have been complaining about all the work we do that our husbands have no clue, i.e. the Laundry Fairy, it seems that McLovin does his fair share of covert chores.

How do I know? Because there's a lot of sh*t not happening in my house.
  • I crawled out of bed the first morning when it was still dark because the geriatric gimpy beagle was losing his ever-lovin' mind. Fire? No. Intruders? No. Pee? Yeah. Seriously, I have to get up at damn-it's-dark-thirty in the morning to let the dog pee? Apparently. And then again 15 minutes later, and then five minutes after that. Now I know why he runs all night in his sleep. He's trying to get to the fire hydrant.
  • His (McLovin's -- not the dog's) alarm clock keeps going off. And the backup alarm clock in the bathroom. And I can't turn it off because they both have six million buttons and I don't want to unplug them because they're also clocks, which are useful. I can broadcast news to the world via London with the click of a mouse, but programming a $9.99 electronic gadget from Best Buy? Damn.
  • Being that I was up - and COLD - I ventured to the kitchen, where it was COLDER. WTF? Oh, right. It was warm  when McLovin left. He probably turned off the heat. Now it's 42 degrees and I have no idea how to use the thermostat. Because I've never touched it. Because it has 68 buttons and I think I programmed in nuclear codes or something. And now the house is HOT and I've opened the windows. It'd probably be cheaper to make a fire out of money. Stupid electronics. 
  • The water softener has gone off every six hours. Environmentalists are going to start parading in front of my house if it doesn't stop. I tried turning it off, but there's a reason we have a water softener, because, without it, it's like showering with nails. You skin squeaks. And I'm pretty sure I brushed the enamel off my teeth. So I turned it back on. And now it's recycling through every three hours. Fantastic.
  • There was no coffee. Which I'm completely capable of making, were it not for the fact that it's a new coffee maker and buttons vex me. And I would just press any random configuration, but I think it's actually a flux capacitor masking as a coffeemaker and I don't want to wind up in 1955. Besides, I don't know how much coffee to put in it. Which I could figure out if the coffee wasn't whole bean and I have no idea where the grinder is. Because he loves to put things away. Basically this is just an order to go to Starbucks for a Venti Ralph Macchio.
  • And why is there a week's worth of newspapers on the kitchen table?
  • And the dog better stop scratching on the door before I lose my schmidt.
  • We have 7 trash cans in the house. SEVEN! And they're all full. There are only five people. How is this possible? Who deals with this? Plus the recycling...and the little lint tray in the dryer. How long has he been cleaning that out? Because I know I've never done it. However, the dryer is working much better now, thanks.
  • We've swapped cars, from my huge FrankenVolvo to his little sports car, which requires the kids to yoga up their legs. Why? There's no gas in the Volvo. I'm pretty sure I'm going to have to buy a new car next week, because I don't think it's going to last until he gets home. I don't think I ever even knew he got gas for the car. It's just always full, or half full. But never empty. And it's always clean. And now it's filthy. And I'm wracking my brain trying to figure out when he gets this stuff done...there's even that little sticker in the windshield that says the next time I have to get the oil changed, which is exactly  three months from the day before he left for Again-istan. When did he find time do that? I thought he just mowed the lawn...
That man must sit there biting his tongue to keep from laughing when I bitch about my day and how much stuff I had to do. And he'll get up and (now that Lent is over) pour me a glass of wine and nod and make his little lists and let me prattle on about how I clearly must be SuperWoman for picking up the dry cleaning before I went to work.

In my car that's full of magic gas.

I'm stupid.

Hurry home, McLovin...or we may have to move into a new house. This one is a mess.

love, Kate

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26 comments:

  1. Kate, That is very sweet. Maybe I should peek around here and see what my hubby does....

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  2. You were right I do love this one!! It's amazing all the random shit they do that we don't notice. However I just get bitched at every time he gets in my car and it's sitting at less than half a tank. Hmm maybe we should discuss that on skype tomorrow. And DOG DOOR!! Woman, use some of that deployment pay and buy a dog door. Best money we ever spent. Seriously. I love ours more than words can say.

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  3. Kate, I thought you were having a few drinks with your friend the T-box and then falling over? This midnight blogging can start to resemble DFB, ya know...but not this time. You're coming through loud and clear.

    I hear you on the gas thing. I recently had to pull over and put 42 litres of gas into my car. This might seem like a minor deal...except my car has a 40 litre gas tank. Not A Good Thing.

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  4. Kate, I'm so sorry that you're without your McLovin'. You are totally right. Everything about Again-istan sucks!

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  5. this is the best! you are fan-freakin-tabulos!!!!!!

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  6. Even without kids, I notice that my husband does things around the house but I only notice when he's gone. Thanks for the reminder!

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  7. i love this post.
    all of it.

    word verification -
    nablers
    (like enablers?)

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  8. My husband, too, is amazing! I told him the other day that he made my world go 'round. He looked at me and said, "Yes. Yes I do."

    (BTW-that advertising slogan on the dog: I say that all the time now that I'm pregnant...again!)

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  9. Awww, can he give Husband pointers? Or maybe I just need Husband to take a week's vacay so I can discover what he does around here...

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  10. We have gotten to where both my husband and I read your blog every day. I think he is really going to like this entry. Hang in there, girl.

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  11. Again-istan and Iraq both suck...and those annoying habits you hated when they are around, you miss when they are gone. Along with the ones you love too. I'll be right there with ya in a few months...

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  12. Love it! My husband just returned from Afghanistan last Thursday, and the first thing I said to him is he can't leave again because I fall apart w/out him. Just getting groceries--wow--another person to help when a kid had to use the potty, someone to help settle the kids, bring in groceries, and put them away is so monumentally easier. Not to mention trash, bills & mail, shared diaper duty and dinner clean up. Truly, he is the glue that holds the crazy chaos of our family collage stuck. Also, he makes sure I get to bed at a decent hour. ;)

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  13. Honey, your husband sounds like a prince and all but you need a coffee make that you can operate. He won't mind if you buy one while he's gone. Really. Seriously. Because you will need coffee Saturday morning after the t-box event.

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  14. LOL -- "in my car that's full of magic gas". So funny!!

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  15. My husband makes coffeee every morning when he gets up. I do know how to use the coffee maker,,,but I prefer to awake to its almost magically being there. I really miss it when he's running late for work. He totally doesn't drink coffee..so that makes it ever sweeter. Hang in there Kate..you are awesome too ;)

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  16. I'm a single mom who does it all and works full time, but I can relate to many parts of the blog. In my situation it's "Call the Expert or Use the Child."

    That stupid thermostat! I have the exact same one and had to have the Cool Ray installer come back and train me AGAIN on the damn buttons.

    Alarm clocks suck in general due to the nature of their business...getting my butt out of bed at an insane o-dark-thirty. For some reason slamming them doesn't eliminate the need to go to work.

    My mom changes the lint in the dryer because who the hells thinks of that stupid chore?

    And taking out the trash....that's what 7 year old boys are for!

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  17. Nothin' like a war to make you feel inadequate!

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  18. I love this post! Almost makes me want to be married...Oh wait, I'd have to start dating first and wearing mascara on a regular basis. Ugh! I'll stick with my programmable coffee maker, old fashioned buttonless thermostat, and my dog door for now. Stay strong Kate!

    Hurry home McLovin...I think you're really missed!

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  19. Kate, eliminate one item on the list, go to the nearest resale store, Habitat or Goodwill and buy an easy old coffee maker. Or ask Lydia if her grandmother has 3 or 4 extra (she usually does). Pay 4 or five bucks to get a non programmed off and on coffee maker. Put the space model in a closet till McLovin returns.

    Aunt Mary

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  20. That picture of Gip is priceless. You should frame it & put it next to McLovin's side of the bed one day. Like the green elephant. One day it was just THERE... No explanation.

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  21. You just made a bunch of us single mommas have a good laugh! :) We do all that stuff 365 days a year all by ourselves! LOL

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  22. I'm sitting in the basement during a tornado watch and laughing my head off, because you are singing my song. Didn't have to worry about the hubby dodging bullets, because he's in S. Korea doing his second bachelor tour. He gets home next Saturday and then my single mommy days are over, for now...if we make it to retirement without him getting orders. Keep your chin up the glass full.

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  23. When I got divorced one of the things that has been hardest for me is that I have to fill my gas tank myself! We always used my car on the weekends and he would drive and fill it up. He also took care of oil changes and tire rotations and new windshield wipers. Oh, and wiper fluid. My car has been out for about 3 months. Who remembers to buy that when you have to remember to get hair color to cover your roots?!?!?

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  24. Where do you find one of these things called husbands who sneakily put gas in your car and take out the trash? Even when I had a husband I did those things for myself. Truly, you have a gem in that man. Can I have a pinch of his DNA to put with Brad Pitts to make the perfect husband?

    Joking aside, this pulled at my heart strings. I'm a single mom and rarely feel like I'm missing out on something by not being married but reading this post made me think "I want those things." However, I can not even fathom how difficult it is for your partner in crime to be gone for a long period of time like this.

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  25. OMG Lauri! Why did you get divorced?

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  26. You are a lucky woman. My husband occasionally works out of town and it's easier when he's gone. I do all of the household chores, other than earning a paycheck, and what little he does can be picked up with ease. Even my least favorite time of night, bedtime, is easier because they know he's a pushover. I can actually get them to bed at 8 when he's gone. Then I miss him. Because the house is quiet and I finally get to be a grown up and don't have my sweetheart to hang with. So, getting that with help is awesome!

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