Thursday, April 8, 2010

(Completely Imaginary) Celebrity Advice Column: D-Bag: The Movie

Dear Kate and Lydia,

I have been told that you are authorities on the whole "John Edwards is King Douchebag" thing. Well, guess what? I just bought the movie rights to his former aide's tell-all book. So I'm probably going to make a movie out of it. You want to help me cast it?



Dear Aaron Sorkin,

We would love, love, love to help you cast it. Kate thought of about a million ideas, but Lydia had to remind her that some of these brilliant casting suggestions were actually fictional characters or not really actors or even alive. Mr. Aaron "West Wing" Sorkin might not find such suggestions super helpful. And then Kate told Lydia to suck it.

Anyway, here are our thoughts for the four main roles:

John Edwards
We've heard that Dennis Quaid is being suggested. We can totally see that. And we adore him, too. But we would like to respectfully discourage this for one very, important reason: the actual John Edwards would love it. He doesn't deserve Dennis Quaid.

May we suggest:


Yes! Judah Freidlander and Jack Black. Judah because he is sofa king funny* and Jack Black because one dude should not be able to contain so much awesomeness. Here's another reason: by giving serious consideration to these fine young men, the actual John Edwards will throw such a hissy fit that his assistant may have to give him some extra Pamprin and blog about how his boss has kittens in his britches again, because apparently someone in Hollywood doesn't think he's pretty.

*Also he totally knows Tina Fey.

Rielle Hunter
We're not huge Rielle fans. But we think some serious consideration should be given to this one. Lydia suggested former porn star Jenna Jameson. Kate and the Cap'n suggestion Glenn Close - but not the actual Glenn Close (who is terrific) but rather her character Alex Forrest from Fatal Attraction. Why? Because that was the last time anyone saw hair like that. One of our readers actually suggested that Kate Gosselin may have given Rielle her old hair extensions out of pity. That's a level of sad you never want to contemplate first-hand, friends.

In putting together the above the picture two very curious things occurred to us. 1) Rielle Hunter appears to be the biological child (or slutty middle sister) of Alex Forrest and Jenna Jameson. 2) These were great picks on our part because apparently, none of these women like to wear pants while being photographed. But at least former porn star Jenna Jameson had the good taste not to pose with her baby's toys.

Elizabeth Edwards:
Ummm, this one was super easy. Hello? No one needs the Maude face like John and Rielle. However, sadly, Maude is fictional and Bea Arthur is Maude-facing the heavens. So we picked Linda Hamilton in the hopes that inspired casting may result in an ass-kicking plot change at the eleventh hour . . . maybe even a Hollywood-style surprise ending with steel toed boots, bruised onions, and a walk-off scene inspired by "And Justice for All."

Andrew Young (mind you -- not the real Andrew Young, whose name was unfairly sullied by this low-grade Johnny-Jump-And-Fetch tool bag):

We picked one real actor and one fictional character whose name we don't even know. OK. Who does sad, weasel-y, weirdo better than anybody? One word: Buscemi. He rocks our socks, and you'd best believe he'd make this Andrew Young guy (who took lots of dirty, dirty money to say publicly that he was the father of Rielle's baby, and then took that tramp her into his home with his wife and their three kids, for eight muthercrunkin' months) deserves The Full Buscemi. Though Michael Lohan looks just like him and would probably do really well because he wouldn't have to act very hard at being a big d-bag. Also, please consider the guy from Office Space - the "O-Face" guy. We love him and, let's face it, Andrew Young was just fine with the whole world thinking he gave Rielle his O-Face* when he did not.

So, Aaron Sorkin. There are our fantastic suggestions. We fully expect a CREATIVE AWESOMENESS credit when the movie comes out. And a surprise ending.

You're welcome.

xo, Lydia & Kate


*By the way, here's what we mean by O-Face:


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  1. I would see ANY movie that had Jack Black and Steve Buscemi! Awesome as usual, ladies!

  2. Totally off subject but Jack Black reminded me of my best friend's Halloween. She dressed her 1 year old as Nacho Libre. Yes, she IS the most awesome person in the universe!!!
    Here is a link to little Nacho Libre:

  3. Bea Arthur FTW.
    Office Space reference FTW.
    Kate & Lydia. FTW.

  4. There are many reasons why we are still interested in celebrity news. Some are generous people, while others have always been trendsetters.




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