Friday, April 9, 2010

Lydia is Awesome Because...

We all know I'm not going to win any popularity contests here...we all can just agree to agree that Lydia, with her bum awesomeness so grand that it repels hienie buttons on her jeans and her striped hair and her fervent defense of -- shall we say -- uncharacteristic footwear all comes together to form this unbelievability of splendiferousness. Plus she came up with Suck It Fancy and sorta meant it when she said it, which means I think she was willing to have a Square Up Face Off. And, let's be clear, I would have lost. Badly. Like SuperBad. HEY! SuperBad...I love that movie.

[EC: Kate, can you get back on topic please? - Lydia]

Yeah, totally. Anyway. So Lydia via the blog is so awesome and I log on and read her stuff all the time, because it's WAY FUNNIER when it's all formatted right and on the page rather than in the boring text mode we write in. And I'll nudge strangers because I'm laughing and say "listen to this!" and read part of it and then they'll laugh with me (even though techincally I'm snorting and crying at the same time...it's so...fierce.) and then they'll say, "where did you find this?" and I'll shrug my shoulders and be like, "I dunno, some crazy bitches blog..."

Yep. All true.

[EC: Topic, please. -Lydia.]

Ugh. Fine.

So, the best part? She's even funnier in real life. And she calls about SIX THOUSAND times a day and I had to change my cell phone plan because I thought I had enough minutes -- and did, for like two years -- until I started talking to her and then got this insane phone bill because she calls all the damn time and texts like she's 17. Plus, --

[EC: KATE! TOP. IC. ^@#! -Lydia]

Damn.

So these are the reasons why I love Lydia, notwithstanding the fact that she's all interrupty right now...
  • She's got no concept of how gross something is until she says it outloud: "Ohmygod Kate, so this whole time I was talking to you, I changed the baby's diaper, and it was a huge poopy one and I almost gagged like 4 times and then I washed my hands and just now I was flossing my teeth...ewww, that's disgusting isn't it?" Meanwhile I'm rubbing my own tongue with sandpaper, thinking, "damn, girl, I was on the phone with you..."

  • She'll answer the phone in the middle of laughing and then try to tell you what's funny and she's laughing so hard that one, you can't understand a damn thing; and two, that becomes the funny thing, so I laugh and then she says, "isn't that hysterical?" and I'm like, "What?" and she has to tell the story all over again.

  • I've never seen her without something spilled on her boob. Ev. Er.


  • "Ohmygod Kate, so I was in the backyard because I hadn't, you know, cleaned up out there since the storm, and Woody...and so I didn't want Mini Mini Me out there, but she basically insisted, and then she fell and both hands planted into Woody poop. So I scooped her up and then she squished her hands together and then ran them through my hair...oh that's gross, isn't it?" 

  • She texts my house phone. Then texts me on my cell to say, "I'm stupid. I texted your house again."
  • I can't look at her in church. Because then I start laughing, and since you can't laugh in church, I basically just start shaking and have tears rolling down my face. Sadly, that doesn't pass for piousness or being overwhelmed by the spirit. It just makes you look like an ass in church.


  • She points at things with her mouth. I'll say, "where's the remote?" and she'll jut out her chin and pucker up in the direction of where it is.

  • When she hangs up the phone, she says bye like Cartman. "Mmm-beh."


  • She puts Tobasco sauce on EVERYTHING. And Ranch dressing. And mixes them together. We call it Awesome Sauce. 

  • Her Precious has some of the most foul-mouthed, funniest songs I have ever heard. And she'll be all beckoning me to get into the BWT -- which makes me cringe-y -- and say listen to this, and play something that has us in full riot laughter mode in about 14 seconds. And at the end, when we're all wheezy and mascara down our -- HER -- face, she's like, "isn't that so funny?" Which makes it funnier.

  • On any given day, when I see her in her most beloved Non-Yoga Pants, I'm either greeted with the Eeyore "I know, I'm pathetic" look, or the "What?! Bring it on, Fancy" look.

  • "Ohmygod Kate, when we were at the Farm Farm Farmitty Farm, Woody kept jumping in this pond and then to dry off he'd go roll in cow poop and then come back to the house like he'd won some competition for the most disgusting dog and then I'd have to wash him with baby shampoo which smells like raspberries so then he'd be all poop and raspberry flavored and I ran out of towels so I had to use the same one and I think I used the Woody poop towel on the baby because she smells just like him. Oh, that's gross, isn't it?"

  • If you say, "Square Up" she laughs. We're expanding on it. "I'm gonna put on my boots and square up..." or "Don't make me turn around and have to Square Up..." or best yet "If I have to put on my big girl pants and Square Up..."

  • Best text ever: "I don't need to meet her to be a jackhole."

  • She once told a stranger she drove a Ford Tampon. I kept waiting for her to laugh or correct herself or explain the story, but she never did. I'm not sure she knows she said it.


  • "Ohmygod Kate, Hawk was up all night and a fever that just wouldn't stop and then the baby woke up and I spent the night in the chair and when I finally got the baby to sleep then Hawk was up again and I hate when they get sick in the middle of the night and I'm sooooooooooooooooooo tired and ugh! [looks down at shirt] So, that's probably puke. Oh, that's kinda gross, isn't it?"
I keep stupid sections of the newspaper handy when I talk to her, and take notes on the classified ads or the jobs page and stuff like that. And there's this absurd stack of them by my desk that have these random notes like "I feel like Eeyore" and "Thumbelina - snake in room" and "song about you're such a ney sayer...sit in your tower...dick" like they're these little snippets of awesomeness that would not be funny if it wasn't for her.

None of this would be anything if it wasn't for her.

I would write more, but she's calling -- again -- and I have to go pretend I don't think she's amazing...

"Ohmygod Kate, I was just..."

Mmm-beh.

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