Friday, April 23, 2010

MommyLand After Dark: The T-Box Taste Test

Good evening mommies! Thank you for joining us. Get ready for drunken banter and rampant mispellings and typos.  WOOT!  We're at Kate's house. Because it was such a beautiful Spring day, we thought we'd hold this little event al fresco in Kate's carport - which is much nicer than it sounds. Oh sorry, Fancy, I didn't mean to call it a carport.  What should I call it then?  I have just been informed that Kate's sister Bianca christened it a "porte cochere" which I'm pretty sure is French for "has a couch in her driveway."

With us tonight are:
Ellen - who you may remember from the incident with the dead bird as well as redecorating Lydia's house. She is awesome and also tonight's designated driver, so therefore the sole player on Team Sober Reason.
Jane - a very dear friend of Lydia's who lives on a 22 acre farm in a beautifully restored historic farmhouse. Whose lovingly renovated kitchen includes a kegerater, thereby making her the coolest person Lydia has ever met. She also has two little boys, one of whom was married to Thumbelina at age 3.
Rebekah - also known as mommyblogger par excellence Mom-in-a-Million. She lives nearby and writes hilarious Twilight posts and likes us in spite of the fact that we are bad at being mommybloggers.
Dagney - Kate's good friend is so adorable and funny that you sort of want your brother to marry her so you can finally have someone normal and awesome to hang out with on family vacations. Until you meet her real husband and then you're all: Dang. Go on with your bad self. Also, the only non-momma in the group.  Still wants kids in spite of the fact that our blog is described by many as birth control.
Emma- Like Kate, she is fit and gorgeous and brilliant and funny. And I dare you not to like her because she's also super friendly and nice. Yeah, I know. That's fair. Thanks God.
The Bride- Another non-mommy but a kindergarten teacher so she as may as well be.  She is about to get married in spite of what we tell her.

May I also share with you that when I was buying all this wine yesterday, the baby had crashed out in the car. So I was pushing her snoozing cuteness in the stroller with eight boxes of wine precariously balanced on top of the stroller. That's the equivalent of about thirty bottles of wine. On top of my baby's head. I am clearly in contention for Mom of the Year. It's between me and Kate Gosselin. I got some looks that were just a little "somebody ought to call the County on her".

Including from the snitchy old heifer who checked me out, who thought she was better than me because she had a name-tag and it said "Manager". I gave her a Maude face and tried to say "Don't judge me" with my eyes but she seemed impervious. So I don't know if I can go back to that particular Target which is fine because I'm sort of pissed at the Target people anyway. Because we asked them to buy the wine boxes for this Taste Test and they said... nothing. So until I stop being bitter about that particular disappointment, you will find me kicking it at Walmart. They sell beer there and I love beer and I don't think they're quite so judgey at Walmart. So I really do love you Target but right now you can sort of suck it because you hurt my feelings for not returning my email.

Moving on...

In a few more minutes, we will begin discussing the varieties of T-Box we have tonight. Kate knows all about wine because where she went to college there was a vineyard and they taught classes about grapes and acidity and pairings and all. All I heard was "blah blah blah drinking for credit" and I was like jeez, I would have graduated early at your college. So Kate will guide us through this wine tasting. Because unlike everything else, we have to take this seriously...

In the meantime, let me tell you that we will be sampling eight kinds of wine tonight. The following descriptions come from the Target website:

Pinot Grigio-Aromatic with a fruity, slightly floral aroma. Crisp, ripe fruit notes, including apple, melon and peach. The Pinot Grigio won Double Gold at the San Francisco Wine Competition in June 2007.
Kate: It smells like feet.
Rebekah: It tastes like the grape juice with Elmo on the box.  Also, Kate's Jimmy Choo's are fierce.
Dagney: It goes really well the cheeze dip.  What does that say?
The Bride: It smells kind of like my class after PE.
Jane: I like it.  It's not as bad as I thought.
Lydia: typing... gulping... bleh.

This is Kate's Not-A-Car-Port

Also, Lydia made a very naughty and profane playlist for tonight that we're all enjoying. With lots of bad words.  Because there are NO KIDS here.  Hee hee heee!!  This is the part where Lydia laughs hysterically.  So one song was Miss Amy WINEhouse singing: "What kind of f*ckery is this?" Which very logically led to a discussion of what that was.  A state of being?  A verb?  A place?  Like: "Please excuse us kids, mommy and daddy need to go to the f*ckery for a little while."   

Chardonnay-Full-bodied and smooth with apples, melon, citrus and a delicate floral note with hints of creamy vanilla.

Kate: Would be awesome were the fact that someone has left my glass empty...oh, never mind... the empty glass tastes better
Jane: Aged in an oak barrel? Maybe a CRACKER barrel...
Rebekeh: I dumped the other one in the grass so I can taste this one.
Kate: Hey, thanks mom-in-a-million grass killer...oh, this smells like boxer shorts
Bride: Smells like ass...speaking of which, where's Happy?
Dagney: Mmm, fertilizer in the morning...or husband taking over the bathroom at night...super

They're talking about Buffy the Vampire Slayer....Lydia is confessing to somehow transforming from Willow to Giles (due to her advanced age). I'm finally, after 6 months of this, stunned into silence...

(Follow up) The Bride:  It smells like butt.  I really just can't drink it.  Let's move on.

Merlot-Medium-bodied, silky and juicy varietal with a fruit profile of red and dark berries, black cherry and boysenberry. A hint of cocoa, vanilla, herbal aromas and a touch of toasty oak character make for easy sipping.

Rebekah: This wine smells like a third date.  The one where you have sex.
Jane: Ripe with sweat and passion. Totally.
Lydia: I would drink this.  Like a lot.  Mmmmm...
Jane: This one makes me want to sip and spit.  
Kate: It doesn't suck.  But I'm on glass 4...  You look really pretty Lydia!  Are you wearing makeup?
Ellen: They're getting tipsy y'all.

--now everyone is talking about Big Bang Theory.  And Modern Family.  Which I don't watch because  Glee is on. --
--Rebekah just told everyone the Unified Theory of Relationships and I missed it because I was typing.  G*d Damn it.--

Let me just say that we are all a little disapointed with Rebekah.  She told us she would not be coming with LawMomma but we were still hoping she would show up.  Because getting drunk in Kate's driveway is totally worth the price of a plane ticket.  Dang it.  We wish she was here.  Dagney reads your blog and is toasting you.   Also, we're totally not dissapointed with Rebekah because of her freaking awesomeness.

Also someone just fell down.
We will be drinking from glasses, y'all. Tonight anyway.

Cabernet Sauvignon-Medium to full-bodied with a complex aroma of subtle spice, cocoa and vanilla notes. A vibrant acidity with rich flavors of ripe dark berries and fruits.

Lydia: Smells nice...woody undertones..and by Woody, I mean my dog. Where's the beer?
Rebekah: It smells like a Payless shoe store.
Jane: You know that lipstick that pretends to plump your lips but really just sets them on fire...yep, just drink this.
Emma: [who's waving her gazelle arms at me] 
Dagney: Suck it fancy I'm drinking...  Where's my bumper sticker?
The Bride: Eat it, I've been funny all night.  Suck it fancy
Lydia: Is there any beer really?

Emma is waving her gazelle arms because she came here directly from the gym.  Where she was taking a pole dancing class.  Yeah.  That's right.

Cabernet Sauvignon/Shiraz-The marriage of two popular grape varieties creates a seamless 50/50 blend. Medium to full-bodied with dark berry richness from plum, boysenberry and cherry and a touch of spice with cocoa and vanilla notes.

--Rebekeh says that her friend told her not to shave her legs so she wouldn't be tempted to put out. Wait a minute.  I missed the beginning of that.  Dang.--

Lydia: Everyone.  Time for the cab/shiraz.  But not too much because this one is my t-box from home.
Dagney: My husband is reading this!!  He just sent me a text: "Was it you that fell down."

Yes, it was.

Dagney: Cocoa and vanilla nuts? Just like I like my men.
Lydia: [chokes - wines comes out of nose]  Cough.  Awesome.
The Bride: It smells like the fertilizer aisle at Lowe's.
Rebekah: It tastes like a bovine antibiotic.
Dagney: Smells kind of like the cadavor lab.  And you can all suck it, because I'm the only one still wearing my Jimmy Choos.
Kate: [alternating between giggling and making kitten hairball noises]
Ellen: The drunker they get, the more refreshing my water becomes.

Somebody just said: "I went down on a woman."

I have no idea if that means what I think it means.

Red and White Sangria- Available in season, the Red Sangria is a blend of premium California red grape varieties, offering a festive bouquet of cherry, cranberry and raspberry flavors. The White Sangria combines a premium blend of California white grapes that offers a sweetly fragrant arrangement with scents of rose petal, lychee fruit, mandarin oranges and apricot flavors.

The ancient dog just came out to relieve himself.  He made the choice to pee in the exact same spot where Kate just poured out her wine.  Hmmm...

Dagney: [just threw up - claims it was spit]  Has anyone ever gotten a perm?  
There is much nodding
Jane: It smells like Greg Brady's hair. 
The Bride: It smells like a Hair Cuttery.
Mimi (who just showed up): It tastes like my baby's juice.
Jane: If your baby lives on skid row.
Lydia: Eeee-yew.  Its gross but good at the same time.  Like Boones's.
Jane: My nose hairs are curling.  It's perming my nose hairs.
Dagney: WTF?  I don't have kid sand I just found a baby wipe in my shirt.
Ellen: Ok... moving on...

Red Table Blend- No description was available on-line but Lydia bought it anyway because it said on the box that was 13.5% alcohol so holy crap.

Lydia here.  Dang.  I just dripped cheeze dip on my boob and was informed that this is called a "nip drip". 

Lydia: Yummy...  wait isss ok.  pretty good.  mmmm...
Mimi: Good, but I did pour it out.
Kate: [sprayed it out like a fountain partially on Dagney] No thanks.  Let's have the Reisling.
Jane: Everyone is pouring it out.  It may be that is sucks.  Or it may be that this their 8th glass.

A couple of people appear to have wondered off.  Where did they go?

Ellen is playing solitaire on her iPhone.

Riesling- White peaches, apricot and tart green apple flavors mingle together to create a taste that has a mild sweetness balanced by good acidity – a pleasure for the palate. With soft aromas of honey and orange blossoms, the Riesling Wine Cube is the perfect complement to spicy Asian or Latin cuisine, light pasta and seafood dishes, or simply enjoyed as an apéritif.

This is Kate's favorite.  She keeps talking about how much she misses McLovin.  Huh?  I guess she loves Reisling *and* McLovin. 

Jane: It smells bleach.
Kate: You know what that smells like?
Rebekah: It smells like what gas station soap might taste like.
Lydia: Yucky.  It's gross.  I want a beer.

Rebekah is telling a really great story.  It's so awesome.  About thigh-high boots.  

Kate: This doesn't taste like Reisling.  It tastes like a wipey.
Rebekah: Why is mine pink?
The Bride: I am so drunk that it tastes really good.
Mimi: [laughing] Cupcakes?
Jane: I need a brownie to wash the taste out of my mouth.

Lydia here.  I think we're done.  Seriously, because I have been sitting here typing for a long time and when I stand up I might fall over.

Rebekah just said: "I am going to need bigger shoes to accommodate my ass as it continues to drop."  

That's awesome.

Thank you so much for hanging out with us tonight.  We really appreciate it and are sending you HUGE hugs.  Drunken, sloppy hugs.  But still.

Please say a little prayer that the PoPo doesn't come and shut us down.

xo, Lydia & Kate

()Herding Turtles, Inc. 2009 - 2010

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