Friday, April 9, 2010

Open Letter to Stupid People

Dear Stupid and Inconsiderate Jackholes,

One of you recently told our friend Kitty that her adopted child wasn't real. Rather than give you the beating you so richly deserve, she had a cocktail and wrote to us. When we posted her rant, we got tons of comments on Facebook and the blog. It turns out that either you have been busy telling many, many people the same bullschmidt or there are a lot of your idiotic, hateful, useless counterparts out there. Asking stupid questions. Making pointless and obnoxious observations. Often, in front of our kids.

We asked our mommy friends on Facebook to tell us the stupidest crap anyone has ever said to them in front of their kids. And we had A LOT to choose from. Because like we said - apparently, there are a lot of you floating around out there being douchey for no good reason.

So here is what you sent us. Jackholes, this is a list of:

Things NOT to Say to a Mom in Front of her Kids
(followed by what Kate and Lydia would like to say in response)

"Your twin daughters aren't real "twins" because you did not give them rhyming names and they aren't identical." (OK. Well then let me introduce you to my identical FISTS - Smash and Bash.)

"Is one of your twins more intelligent than the other?" (No. But they're both smarter than you, C-bag.)

"I splashed a bunch of water in your son's face and he didn't like it at all. I think he's autistic." (Autistic? No. Unhappy? Yes. And I think you're now going to get your face splashed by potty water when I shove it in the commode for making my kid cry.)

"You're a single mom? And all of these kids are yours? Oh my Gawd. How do you do it? It must be sooooo hard." (Thank you for your heartlessfelt concern, Random Stranger. It would actually be a lot easier if you would shut the hell up.)

"Your son was conceived via IVF? Then he is an abomination and he is not real." (Heifer, you'd better start running because I just called Kate and Lydia. And they're so pissed they're bringing the Momma Squad to take care of your ass.)

"Did you conceive your twins naturally?" (Yes. Lots and lots of dirty sex. Two orgasms = two babies. I'm guessing there's a reason you didn't know that. You look pretty uptight.)

"Your mommy is mean mean mean and she doesn't love you! Otherwise she would let you eat that third hotdog!" (I'm about to get Mean Mommy all up in here and that third hot dog is getting crammed down your word-hole.)

"Are your children triplets? Are they identical? Yes, I mean the two boys and the little girl right here." (Umm.. I think you just answered your own question, Genius, but just in case you're still having trouble: NO. The girl has a vagina.")

"It is so nice of you to volunteer in the classroom today. Especially at your age." (I'm 40, arsehole. And that's just old enough to shoot lasers out of my eyes and kill you for that comment.)

"You certainly do have your hands full with those stair steps, dontcha? You know what causes that, huh??" (Yes. Again - lots and lots of dirty sex. But usually I don't talk about it in front of my three year old. But thanks. Also, you're about to have your hands full. Of your ass- cause I'm about to hand it to you.)

"You have the WHITEST kids I have ever seen. I mean blond hair and blue eyes and there's no denying that they are WHITE kids." (Oh for pete's sake, let's not tell their father that, mmmmkay? Because he's Black.)

"Ok, one more shot for you little man and this one is REALLY GONNA HURT so don't tense up and don't cry." (Why don't you just tell him that a dragon is going to come out of the waiting room in the Dr.'s coat and bite his head off, you stupid cow?)

"Your little boy is really, really big. How big was he when he was born? Dang. You must have BLASTDOORS down there, if ya know what I mean. Heh heh heh" (I'm about to blast something right now so you better brace yourself, douchebag.)

"Are you breastfeeding that baby, Lady? Because it might help you get rid of that gut." (I would respond to the rudeness of that comment but I can't. Because I can't stop staring at your enormous man-breasts. Maybe you should try breastfeeding. Or pectoral implants. Otherwise, you might want to consider a bra.)

"So you're saying these kids are triplets? There's no way. No no no. I'm telling you there's no way that they're triplets. Two of them might be twins..." (I'm telling you, Captain Farckwad, that all three of these kids emerged from my loins and are in fact triplets. If you want to keep arguing with me I will respond with a Chuck Norris-style roundhouse kick to your stupid, blathering head.)

"No, see, women who own cats can't conceive babies. It is a known fact. It's science." (Hmmmm.... Then I wish your mother had owned one.)

"How did you sneak in all those Easter Bunny footprints? Chalk, right? Or.... Oh. Sorry, honey. The Easter Bunny is totally real." (And I'm totally going to need this chalk to outline your corpse after I murder you.)

"Excuse me? Are those your kids? Do they have the same daddy?" (Excuse me? Complete stranger? Is that your fat ass? I thought so. Could you please get your head out of it before you ask me any more questions?)

"Did you put that baby in a tanning bed? Shame on you! That is the most horrible thing I ever saw! How could you even... Oh. Is this your husband? So he's... Mmmm Hmmm..." (Yes, you semi-literate, idiotic monkey-whore, my baby is brown. And so is my husband. In fact, you may call us The Browns. As you walk away in shame.)

"Women who have c-sections don't properly bond with their babies, you know." (Really? Well, women who taunt new mommies right after they have surgery get roundhouse kicks to the face from Kate and Lydia, you know?)

"Wow! You're pregnant again? What are you going to do if it's another boy?!" (What an inspired question, schmidt-head! I could surgically remove his wiener the same way you surgically removed your frontal cortex. What do you think of that idea?)

"You shouldn't act up like that in public, young lady! You oughtta mind your mother! What are you, stupid?" (Actually, getting into verbal disputes with random three year olds while bagging their mother's groceries makes you a GENIUS.)

"If you make the kids stand in the corner THEY WILL GO BLIND. It's a FACT. Do you want to be a bad mother and make your kids go blind? I didn't think so. Then just hit them with a spoon the way God intended." (You need to go back to the Nervous Hospital, dude. Because that's just craaaazzzy talk.)

"Is your baby a boy? I see that he's wearing all pink and has bows in his hair and all.... But is he a boy?" (No. Are you sentient? I see that you walk upright and all... But are you sure you have brain function?)

"I am so sorry to hear that your daughter is so sick. If it was me I would be worried it might have been something I did or didn't do during pregnancy..." (Oh yes. You are sorry. Kate and Lydia just called. You're kicked out of MommyLand for being an evil douche.)

"The baby is just too pretty to be a boy!" (Is that even a compliment? Because it just makes you sound too stupid to live.)

"You're a single mother? I feel bad for your son growing up without a father. What hope does he have? He'll probably end up a juvenile delinquent." (Actually, you fat whore, I work at DSS and I saw you there last week. In handcuffs. So maybe you could BITE ME?)

"Did you make these snacks for the class? Seriously? You have waaaaayyyyy too much free time on your hands, honey." (THANK YOU is the response one generally expects from people when you make them food. But those are people with manners. So, apparently not you, you smelly pirate monkey.)

"Your child is far too big to be in a stroller/wearing diapers/not walking/suckin' on a binky. You are not being a good parent by letting this slide!" (Listen up, Buttercup. My child is BIG for his age. Like born weighing ten pounds big. BIG LIKE YOUR HEAD. If he is walking at eight months or not is NONE OF YOUR DAMN BUSINESS so be gone from my sight before I use this binky as a weapon.)

"Ma'am, your (3 yr old) daughter is a bossy little thing. If she doesn't stop being so bossy she will never find anyone to marry her." (I'm not worried about it and here's why. You are an gnarly, old, interfering, busybody SNITCH and somebody married you. So I think we're good.)

"Your daughter's feet are weird. It's hard for me to measure them for her new shoes. How does she walk on 'em?" (Hey jackhole, my daughter has cerebral palsy - as you may have friggin noticed - and I'm about to go upside your head with your metal foot measuring thingee and then we will both dance on your prone, unconscious body.)

"Your mommy must not know that hot dogs are choking hazards and that if she lets you eat that you could choke on it and die." (I only use hot dogs to choke grown-ups, son.)

"Wow, your kids are always sick. Poor things. Probably because they're in daycare." (Well, you always have diarrhea of the mouth. Probably because you're a schmidt-head.)

"Omigosh. Your son has the biggest head I have EVER SEEN. Like ever. Have they done a CAT scan or anything?" (Acehole, while perusing my son's head did you notice that he had ears? So did you consider that he just heard you. His big head holds a big brain which will develop important medical break-throughs such as douche-prevention techniques that will help humanity. And harm douchebags. Like you.)

"So, your son was born in Australia? Cool. I can see it...he looks Australian." (And you sound ridiculous. But thanks.)

"You're going to name your child WHAT? Oh no you can't do that! That's awful." (Oh I can. And you know what you can do? You can SUCK IT.)

"You have three BOYS?  Well better you than me - I would KILL myself if I had three boys!" (And I will kill myself if I have to talk to you for five more seconds).

"Is that your daughter? Is she adopted? Do you know why her real mom didn't want her?" (I do know what's not your business.  And I also know that I keep a case of whup-ass in the trunk of my car so you better stop asking me questions.)

"Why is your baby wearing a helmut?  Is he retarded?  Or do ya just think the mall is dangerous?" (The helmut is to protect him when I use this stroller to ram you until you fall down.  And then I start stomping.)

"She's a good stepmother, boys, and I know she's all you've got.  But she'll never love you the way your real mother would." (Step-mom is about to get all "El Tigre" on your ass to protect her young, so you might want to start running. RAWR!)

"You look really young.  Were you like twelve or something when you started having kids?  Were your parents mad?" (Ask them yourself.  They're in the car outside waiting to drive me home - because I don't have a license yet.  Just walk outside, right into traffic, and start walking around aimlessly in circles, you'll see them.)

"Your kid's ears stick out like a monkey! Haw haw!" (That is f*cking hillarious coming from a human/donkey hybrid.)

"So...Your son has a different dad than your daughter right? And it's not your husband right?" (Oh no!  Not my husband.  Your husband.)

"Why wouldn't you talk to your Grandpa on the phone?  You'd better get some better manners, little boy or the Halloween witch is going to come get you!" (Um... Grandma?  You are the Halloween witch.)

"Son, Jesus wouldn't like you doing that." (You know what else Jesus wouldn't like?  Me kicking your ass.)

"You mean he's never met his dad? Oh how sad. Poor little guy. You know boys really need their fathers. What are you going to do?"  (I'm going to remind you that there is a difference between a "father" and an absentee d-bag who is totally worthless to my little superstar.  Then I'm gonna kick your ass.)

"Who is that girl sitting over there? What?! Willie's wife? But she's BROWN?!?!? Oh dear Jesus! Then that little brown baby is [sounding absolutely appalled] Willie's boy?" (Yes, Ma'am!  Your brown family is here and the good news is that we're just gonna keep breeding! Woot!)

And let us conclude with this absolute gem.  Where daddy's actual come-back just can't be topped:

"My hubby once took our first son out of a restaurant so I could finish eating my meal in peace, and he got hungry while they were waiting for me. Some old lady passed by and told my hubby to "feed that baby, for God's sake.

His reply still makes me cheer: "Whip out your boob, and I will."

Thanks soooo much everyone for sharing all these horrifying tales with us! 
xo, Kate and Lydia

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