Tuesday, April 27, 2010

People of Walmart? Meet Lydia of Walmart

I had to go to Walmart today to buy insulated coffee cups (we call them go-cups) like the one you see to the right. My need for these is dire because (1) I drink more coffee than Juan Valdez's donkey and (2) I keep putting them on the top of the van while I'm buckling the baby into her car seat, forgetting about them and then having them fly off the roof of the car while I'm driving (and then I scream: "WHAT THE!?" and then the baby hollers: "Wha da?!") and then the cups get run over, usually by me.

I feel bad for my van, because the Big White Tampon is a nice car and it doesn't like running over things all the time. The BWT also hates going to Walmart because the parking lot is a giant cluster of bad drivers. But I love Walmart. It's like going to a magical land. I never even knew about Walmart and had not stepped foot into a "superstore" of any kind until I was in my 20's. There were none in the town where I grew up in NJ and though you could certainly have driven to one, my mother harbors a deep and abiding dislike for such stores. Except for Target, which she loves. We all understand about Target, though. When I walked into my first "superstore" at age 23, I walked around in an awed daze until the Cap'n came to get me and take me home.

I have never really lost my sense of amazement when it comes to Walmart. And the one near my house is exactly what a Walmart should be - dirty, understaffed and populated with grouchy shoppers. Why am I only the happy person in Walmart? I love it there. It's like Target's boorish, slatternly, overweight cousin. That's why I love it. I just can't go there very often or the magic wears off and also I spend too much of Cap'n Coupon's money and, people, we call him that for a reason.

But back to coffee cups... It's gotten so bad that in the mornings I am actually pouring hot coffee into juice glasses (because they fit in the van's cup holder) and bringing them with me to drop the kids off. Drinking hot coffee out of a juice glass while driving to preschool does not help my coffee-spilling-on-boob-area problem. Also, the Kiss and Ride ladies do not think it's funny. I am pretty sure they think I'm drinking Bailey's even though mostly I'm not.

So this morning, I headed over to Walmart in the pouring rain, baby in tow. I was listening to inappropriate music because Mini-mini-me can't really talk yet, at least not enough to rat me out to her dad like the other kids. While enjoying extremely profane but hilarious hip hop and sipping daintily the last of the coffee from my dinosaur juice glass, I got a text from Kate.

K: What are you doing?
L: Sitting in the BWT w. the baby drinking coffee from a dinosaur and listening to "I'm Awesome" in the Walmart parking lot.
K: [silence]
L: What are you doing?
K: Watching the BBC and being concerned for you.

And there you have our friendship in 5 texts.

I headed into the store and put the baby in a shopping cart (after spraying it down with Purel). I started walking towards cups but got distracted by the clearance rack in ladies clothes. It was a huge rack of yoga pants for $9. I almost blacked out for a minute, I was so happy. I may have skipped over to the rack. One pair went in the cart. Oh! Black fuzzy cardigan for $5! Goody goody gumdrops!

Then I saw shorts for $7. They looked just like some other shorts that were $8. Grabbed both kinds and threw them in the cart. Oooh! Wait! Black cotton t-shirts for $3! Can I get a WOOT?!

I was walking back towards cups when I saw bathing suits. I'll just look a second. Three in the cart. Why? Because my body is a disgusting, amorphous mass after having three kids in five years. So I try on bathing suits all the time in the hopes that one day, I will meet one that does something nice for my battered mid-section and helps show off the jugs a little bit but without too much cleavage. Just a little cleavage, like church cleavage - maybe an inch or two? The girls are pretty much all I have going for me looks-wise these days, except for my recently re-striped hair. I should try this stuff on. Fitting rooms are over there. I will just try some of this stuff on and then go get the cup-cup-cuppity-cups that I will never, ever run over because I am going to be careful. From now on.

I then walked passed an older man and his wife and they looked at the baby with pity in their eyes and it was at that moment that I realized that I was saying everything that you just read OUT LOUD to the baby.

Oh Schmidt. I really need to start sleeping at night.

I looked around and thank goodness it was not crowded. There were maybe ten people in earshot. And they were all looking at me. One of them was holding up her cell phone. It occurred to me that I was now about ten minutes and one YouTube uplink from being one of the "People of Walmart". I looked at the cell phone girl and smiled.

"I'm OK with that! It's OK. I'm a People of Walmart - I get it. Har har!"

She look frightened and quickly walked away.

Oh dear.

Undeterred, I headed over to the fitting rooms and tried everything on. I tried not to talk out loud too much but a few things may have slipped out. Particularly when I tried on the $8 shorts and saw how much nicer they were than the $7 shorts. I explained to the baby that it was because the $8 shorts were fancy. We decided to buy three pairs. I even found a bathing suit that was only mildly nauseating. That was pretty special. Except I may have been talking about my boobs again while trying it on because when I came out of the fitting room the nice gentleman in the blue vest was unable to make eye contact with me and his face was alarmingly red.

Then I remembered I needed to buy stuff for the pre-school fundraiser so I did that. Then as we were heading out I saw some grocery stuff so I bought cheese and peanut butter. In the checkout line I bought a mega-pack of double A batteries and an iTunes card so I could purchase more inappropriate hip hop. I almost bought beef jerky because I love it so very, very much and I usually only eat it on road trips and I forgot you could buy it at Walmart because for some reason I thought they only sold it at gas stations. But I did not buy the beef jerky because I figured if the girl with the cell phone was secretly following me around and filming me she would be all: "Why I am not surprised this heifer is buying Matador Sweet'n'Hot?"

So upon checking out I spent $100.01 on:

*Shorts (fancy variety)
*Bathing suit (jug-enhancing but not Hooter's style)
*Cardigan (turns out it is so soft because it is 100% acrylic - chicka chicka yeah! Classy, y'all)
*Black cotton T (to hide coffee stains on boobage)
*Peanut butter (creamy, all-natural)
*Cheddar cheese brick
*iTunes card (only for songs with parental advisories)
*546 double A batteries
*Sports equipment for preschool (that the baby chewed on but let's pretend it was damp because it's raining)

Yeah Lydia! And I will probably also become an Internet sensation as the newest addition to People of Walmart. It's been a good morning. Now I just have to brave the sh*storm from the Cap'n who does not understand or appreciate why I love Walmart so much and why I spend so much money there on what he considers to be trifles. As I loaded all the great stuff into the van something occurred to me.

I forgot the cups. Typical. I'm Awesome.

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