Tuesday, April 27, 2010

People of Walmart? Meet Lydia of Walmart

I had to go to Walmart today to buy insulated coffee cups (we call them go-cups) like the one you see to the right. My need for these is dire because (1) I drink more coffee than Juan Valdez's donkey and (2) I keep putting them on the top of the van while I'm buckling the baby into her car seat, forgetting about them and then having them fly off the roof of the car while I'm driving (and then I scream: "WHAT THE!?" and then the baby hollers: "Wha da?!") and then the cups get run over, usually by me.

I feel bad for my van, because the Big White Tampon is a nice car and it doesn't like running over things all the time. The BWT also hates going to Walmart because the parking lot is a giant cluster of bad drivers. But I love Walmart. It's like going to a magical land. I never even knew about Walmart and had not stepped foot into a "superstore" of any kind until I was in my 20's. There were none in the town where I grew up in NJ and though you could certainly have driven to one, my mother harbors a deep and abiding dislike for such stores. Except for Target, which she loves. We all understand about Target, though. When I walked into my first "superstore" at age 23, I walked around in an awed daze until the Cap'n came to get me and take me home.

I have never really lost my sense of amazement when it comes to Walmart. And the one near my house is exactly what a Walmart should be - dirty, understaffed and populated with grouchy shoppers. Why am I only the happy person in Walmart? I love it there. It's like Target's boorish, slatternly, overweight cousin. That's why I love it. I just can't go there very often or the magic wears off and also I spend too much of Cap'n Coupon's money and, people, we call him that for a reason.

But back to coffee cups... It's gotten so bad that in the mornings I am actually pouring hot coffee into juice glasses (because they fit in the van's cup holder) and bringing them with me to drop the kids off. Drinking hot coffee out of a juice glass while driving to preschool does not help my coffee-spilling-on-boob-area problem. Also, the Kiss and Ride ladies do not think it's funny. I am pretty sure they think I'm drinking Bailey's even though mostly I'm not.

So this morning, I headed over to Walmart in the pouring rain, baby in tow. I was listening to inappropriate music because Mini-mini-me can't really talk yet, at least not enough to rat me out to her dad like the other kids. While enjoying extremely profane but hilarious hip hop and sipping daintily the last of the coffee from my dinosaur juice glass, I got a text from Kate.

K: What are you doing?
L: Sitting in the BWT w. the baby drinking coffee from a dinosaur and listening to "I'm Awesome" in the Walmart parking lot.
K: [silence]
L: What are you doing?
K: Watching the BBC and being concerned for you.

And there you have our friendship in 5 texts.

I headed into the store and put the baby in a shopping cart (after spraying it down with Purel). I started walking towards cups but got distracted by the clearance rack in ladies clothes. It was a huge rack of yoga pants for $9. I almost blacked out for a minute, I was so happy. I may have skipped over to the rack. One pair went in the cart. Oh! Black fuzzy cardigan for $5! Goody goody gumdrops!

Then I saw shorts for $7. They looked just like some other shorts that were $8. Grabbed both kinds and threw them in the cart. Oooh! Wait! Black cotton t-shirts for $3! Can I get a WOOT?!

I was walking back towards cups when I saw bathing suits. I'll just look a second. Three in the cart. Why? Because my body is a disgusting, amorphous mass after having three kids in five years. So I try on bathing suits all the time in the hopes that one day, I will meet one that does something nice for my battered mid-section and helps show off the jugs a little bit but without too much cleavage. Just a little cleavage, like church cleavage - maybe an inch or two? The girls are pretty much all I have going for me looks-wise these days, except for my recently re-striped hair. I should try this stuff on. Fitting rooms are over there. I will just try some of this stuff on and then go get the cup-cup-cuppity-cups that I will never, ever run over because I am going to be careful. From now on.

I then walked passed an older man and his wife and they looked at the baby with pity in their eyes and it was at that moment that I realized that I was saying everything that you just read OUT LOUD to the baby.

Oh Schmidt. I really need to start sleeping at night.

I looked around and thank goodness it was not crowded. There were maybe ten people in earshot. And they were all looking at me. One of them was holding up her cell phone. It occurred to me that I was now about ten minutes and one YouTube uplink from being one of the "People of Walmart". I looked at the cell phone girl and smiled.

"I'm OK with that! It's OK. I'm a People of Walmart - I get it. Har har!"

She look frightened and quickly walked away.

Oh dear.

Undeterred, I headed over to the fitting rooms and tried everything on. I tried not to talk out loud too much but a few things may have slipped out. Particularly when I tried on the $8 shorts and saw how much nicer they were than the $7 shorts. I explained to the baby that it was because the $8 shorts were fancy. We decided to buy three pairs. I even found a bathing suit that was only mildly nauseating. That was pretty special. Except I may have been talking about my boobs again while trying it on because when I came out of the fitting room the nice gentleman in the blue vest was unable to make eye contact with me and his face was alarmingly red.

Then I remembered I needed to buy stuff for the pre-school fundraiser so I did that. Then as we were heading out I saw some grocery stuff so I bought cheese and peanut butter. In the checkout line I bought a mega-pack of double A batteries and an iTunes card so I could purchase more inappropriate hip hop. I almost bought beef jerky because I love it so very, very much and I usually only eat it on road trips and I forgot you could buy it at Walmart because for some reason I thought they only sold it at gas stations. But I did not buy the beef jerky because I figured if the girl with the cell phone was secretly following me around and filming me she would be all: "Why I am not surprised this heifer is buying Matador Sweet'n'Hot?"

So upon checking out I spent $100.01 on:

*Shorts (fancy variety)
*Bathing suit (jug-enhancing but not Hooter's style)
*Cardigan (turns out it is so soft because it is 100% acrylic - chicka chicka yeah! Classy, y'all)
*Black cotton T (to hide coffee stains on boobage)
*Peanut butter (creamy, all-natural)
*Cheddar cheese brick
*iTunes card (only for songs with parental advisories)
*546 double A batteries
*Sports equipment for preschool (that the baby chewed on but let's pretend it was damp because it's raining)

Yeah Lydia! And I will probably also become an Internet sensation as the newest addition to People of Walmart. It's been a good morning. Now I just have to brave the sh*storm from the Cap'n who does not understand or appreciate why I love Walmart so much and why I spend so much money there on what he considers to be trifles. As I loaded all the great stuff into the van something occurred to me.

I forgot the cups. Typical. I'm Awesome.

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  1. I did the same thing tonight (OK, last night as it is now three freaking thirty in the morning). Husband demanded I take a moment for myself (he's awesome) so I headed to Starbucks with bag of yarn and actual excitement to work on a baby blanket for a friend finally joining the mommy club. Get all the way there, look down, no spiffy folder I had just spent an hour on containing yarn swatches and precious instructions for said blanket. Fanfreakingtastic. Fine. I go to Walmart instead to get plastic tub for brilliant idea to keep yarns from tangling. Walked around for 2 hours, bought more yarn, got to car, pulled out of parking lot... forgot plastic tub. I'm awesome too.

  2. "Target's boorish, slatternly, overweight cousin" - perfect description of Walmart! My kids and I totally rock out to "I'm Awesome" in the minivan! BTW - I AM totally awesome because I kicked the laundry fairy's ass this weekend, and I have told everyone I know. (he has already started seeking revenge). Love you girls!

  3. Target has fantabulous to-go coffee cups! The lids stay on pretty good, even when backing out of the driveway when running late for BD party # 2 of the day, with the cup sitting on top of your car...not that I would know...

  4. LMAO. Oh God. I love you. Have I mentioned that lately? Because seriously, I do. Not in a creepy way... well, maybe a little creepy.

    I was caught on the cereal aisle talking to J one time. Only J wasn't with me. People were REALLY staring at me.

  5. That was all kinds of awesome.

    And, the BWT regularly crunching your coffee vessels is a GOOD THING. Mostly bc you get to say "I runneth over my cups" which is hilarious.

    Or, maybe that's just me.

  6. Just for the record, my dollar store sells great Beef Jerky, in full sized bags :-). So good!

  7. I've heard that the Wal-Mart in Warrenton, VA has a full-on hunting section with a giant taxidermied bear in it. I don't think the bear's for sale which is soooooo sad because who doesn't need a dead bear in their living room?

  8. I think I have met my life twin! Love you both!

  9. I have never been able to escape Walmart without spending at least $100 on random stuff that I was not planning to buy.

  10. I loooove you girls!! You have become my daily laugh! Can't stop telling every mom I know about you!

  11. I grew up in Oklahoma so I AM one of The People of Walmart! I LOVE that place. Target is a a fancy shmancy place for me. :)

  12. OMG. I just choked on a goldfish.

    Walmart and I are not friends. I have tried but we don't get along.

    However, you made quite the haul!

  13. You did well, given that you only exceeded the minimum $100 WalMart trip by 1 cent!

    That said, I am pretty sure the People of WalMart are made up pics. People put on the craziest thing that they can and round up a group of friends to go take their picture inside of The WalMart. Yes I realize this is a delusional thought process, but otherwise I'm really sad that I don't see people like that at my WalMart. It would make my shopping experience so much better.

    1. I can sadly say the Walmart by my parent's house has regulars that I have no doubt are on that website... Bright green dreadlocks? Seen it. Man with a long white beard, pink floral dress, and pink crocks? Seen it. It's slightly terrifying to embark on a trip there....

  14. I did something similar at Target yesterday.

    Went in for lettuce, Toddler Toothpaste and deli meat.

    Came out with all that plus, this cool frame where you can display kid art and store IT (on CLEARANCE!) a new dish drainer and sink rack, 10 yogurts for $5!, Milano's in single serve packs, Lay's ON SALE in single serve packs, a tank top (I needed one in GRAY, right?) and hydrogen peroxide (two bottles, I don't KNOW why!)

    Love you Lydia!

  15. It was so nice to finally see a picture of you two ;-)

  16. I've listened to "I'm Awesome" on the T-Box tasting CD you gave me a thousand times. The husband to be is threatening to destroy the CD... but with Notorious B.I.G on there, I think he'd consider the act a sin. You win.

  17. As this is my first visit to my blog, I just had to become a follower. Awesome story. :)

  18. I'm sorry that I was recording you on my cell phone ;)

    You're writing sounds like you must be talking a million miles a minute! How do you ever type that fast?! WoW!

  19. WOW that is funny! I just finished a post about my crazy Walmart visit today....I may be in one of those photo's too ~hangs head in shame~

  20. Thank you! It's so nice to know that 1)I'm not the only crazy mommy talking to herself 2)I'm not the only one that goes for one thing, buys 47 other things and then when I get home remembers that what I went for...is still at the store! People stare at us too at the store but it's usually because my daughter is the kid who says really loudly...wow mom what's wrong with THAT guy?
    Rock it out girl and embrace your Walmart self!
    I also enjoy innapropriate songs in the car! Like "Low"

  21. We only have a Walmart near us. When we drive 100 miles and pop into Target I feel oh-so-fancy.

  22. This is me, only in Target. I always tell my husband that I may as well throw $100 bill on the floor and leave:/ Great post.

  23. OMG! I am Lydia.

  24. my hubby likes to go along when I shop just to make sure I don't get distracted by the fancy shorts and the clearance pants. :) Inevitably I wander off when he's getting something not realizing of course that we've separated and find myself talking to myself or some random person who walked up behind me that I thought was my husband. But that's not nearly as bad as the time I reached over and patted his a**. And then I turned around to see my husband laughing at me for grabbing some random old man's a**. The random old man was thrilled, but me, not so much. My problem with coffee cups is that I always have one in my hand going in, but then I leave it on a shelf somewhere in the store and don't realize it until I'm back in the car. But the best was when I got out of the store and only then realized that my shirt was inside out and I hadn't put on a tank underneath so it was completely see through as well. there's something about walmart that puts people at their best...

  25. All the people in my WalMart talk to themselves. Great conversations all around!

  26. This is totally hilarious. And true. I laughed so hard that I could not breathe for a moment or two, and that was freakin' awesome in and of itself. And DS got his camera and started filming his poor mama having convulsions in front of the laptop.

  27. It's like the time my mom and I went to the grocery store for "fruit and whatnot". I kid you not, we came home over $100 later with a lot more than fruit and whatnot.

  28. My husband asked for one of those blue tooth ear things- even if it was just a fake one so that if he talks to himself in town people will think he's on the phone... LOL... I'm also excited to know that WalMart has "fancy" anything... lol

  29. Hilarious!! We can't go to Walmart without finding way too much sh#$ we didn't know we needed, either! Same goes for Sam's Club, too.

    Deb, I LOVE the bluetooth idea. Your husband is a genius!

    The People of Walmart are real and they are EVERYWHERE. My husband and I have a Walmart rule. No going after 9pm. Period. We've simply seen too many things that can't be un-seen.

  30. It is our daughter's dream to go to Walmart on her fifth birthday (eventhough she's been there before.) We have NO freakin' idea where this came from. We've been there a few times, only because it was convenient. Once we even were yelled at because we took her there before her birthday.) Wonder what kind of reaction we will get when we actually take here there ON her birthday...

  31. I wasn't REALLY talking to myself. Right at election time last time my 8 year old asked me if thought all the black people were going to vote for Barack Obama in the election. He asked me in the toilet paper aisle. He should have known that one cannot ask me anything in that aisle. I have to price compare toilet paper and I really can't answer any questions for 10 minutes. So good mommy launches into a long explanation of stereotypes, racism, electoral colleges and so on while I try to do mental math calculating and estimating squares per sheet per cent per roll on the highest quality bum wiper that is thin enough to not clog the toilet when the kids use the whole roll all at once. I had just settled on my old standby in spite of the fact the packaging is dull and had neatly wrapped up my animated political speech at the same time when a man gave me the stink eye. I did not deserve it so in a huff I threw the winning paper in my cart and headed out of the aisle. I asked my now educated kid if my speech all made sense. *silence* Was he stunned by my amazing political prowess? I looked down. He.Was.Nowhere.To.Be.Found. I don't actually know when he slipped away. I hope that man was at least paying attention. The future of our country depends on it!!

  32. i totally talk to myself, because I am awesome to talk with! go, Lydia...talk away, babe.




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