Wednesday, April 28, 2010

Return To Sender: Suck it, Victoria's Secret

I bought a swimsuit online. Actually, two. Which is not unusual for me. One, because I'm pretty sure about what I want; and two, because I am NOT standing in some overlit flourescent cubicle with a wimpy curtain as I completely strip down and then use said light in its most harsh way to critique my palid skin.

I'd sooner voluteer to test out the new showers in a women's prison.

No, this kind of humiliation needs to happen at home. With people I know. And love. Who walk into My Closet as I try on Swimsuit #1 and freeze in their respective 6- and 3-year old tracks.

Lefty: "Oh, hiiiiiiiiiii Mom" [looks at me as though something is trying to force its way out of his forehead...it's a distinct look...]

Happy: "Ewww...boobies" [points]

Clearly, size too small. But thanks little dude. I hustle them out and pull out Swimsuit #2. I'll ask the stupid question. Why? Why does a D cup top have padding? Do I need MORE boob? A's? Definitely. B's? Sure, why not. Even maybe a C, depending what you fancy. But D's?

Here's the thing: I have more boob than face. Lydia, too, has more boob than face. I think that should be enough. In fact, it should be criteria. If you can cover up more of your face with one hand than you can one boob, you. don't. need. padding.

It's sorta like having 5 tires on your car.

Swimsuit #2 was definitely better. Let's be frank. It couldn't get worse. The pattern on the first swimsuit started looking like mini arrows. Arrows that highlighted the route for my tour bus of Fleshy Tragedies. "And, over here, to the hip, we see the railroad tracks of stretch marks that ended the life of Kate's shorts...and here, we see the completely misaligned and asymmetrical Twin Peaks of Nursing. This tragedy occured when Lefty favored -- as you can predict -- Lefty over Righty."

A note of seriousness: No. Bra. Fixes. This.

So, I MacGyvered the damn thing. Took padding from Swimsuit #1. Put it in just the Lefty of Swimsuit #2. Hiked that puppy UP within an inch of its life. That, my friends, is a hard working piece of spandex, or rayon or whatever it is...

Judge Mirror is just waiting for me. Mocking comments at the ready.

OK. Not too bad. Good color. No arrows. Stupid stretch marks. Lefty is seemingly perkier and kinda keeping pace with Righty. Righty is kinda acting like my sister...All tall and peering down her shoulder (if boobs had shoulders) at her little sister. Yes, Bianca, I just compared you to my boob. My good boob.

Hmmm, maybe Swimsuit #1 without the padding? I stare it down. It's little arrows are all ready to jab me at every flaw. Groan.

Oh god it's even worse. Without the padding it's like the slow melt that happens to your ass when you wear scrubs. Even a cute bum melts into your knees. [Lesson here: Pants that are reversible; bad for the rear view.] I didn't realize that padding also served as sort of a Hoover Dam. (Hooter Dam??) because without it, the twins are sorta starting to -- ummm -- seep.

Lefty is rapidly starting to resemble quicksand, sorta "...these are the days of our lives" top half of the hourglass. Where is she going? Because physics says Lefty (boob, not kid) can't just be gone. I peek into the top. Oh, this is very wrong! It's like melty jello! I jam in some padding to stop the fissure.

And then notice three sets of eyes staring at me...worried.

Goodbye Swimsuit #1 (except for the padding, I'm keeping you. Shhh.) I whip out the return form. Handy. Thank you. They must have known. And it gives you all these...wait....oh, hell no...it gives you all these REALLY LAME REASONS for returning it.

11- Wrong Item Shipped
17 - Quality of Fabric
34 - Excessive Fading
35 - Excessive Shrinkage
38 - Do not like Color
40 - Changed Mind
41 - Gift

I just need to rip this up and tell them to go Suck It make a few quick edits...

Action to Be Taken? (First choice: Annihilate with a machine gun.) Fine, I'd like to make an exchange. For my original boobs. You remember them right? Lefty and Righty? You may know them as Shock and Awe? No?
Then how about a coverup? That should solve everything. What size? Do they make it in a tent? Super.

I decided to make a new form.  These are the Mommyland reasons for returning a swimsuit:

03 - Makes Me Look A Heifer
12 - Tragically Enhances Boobs Akimbo Syndrome
19 - Size 6 on Top and Size 14 on the Bottom Resulting in Boob Squishage and Ass Hanging Out
42 - Makes Small Children Cry
51 - Makes Me Cry
61 - I Do Not Wish To Be a Victoria's Secret Crash Test Dummy
72 - Did Not Come With Alcohol As Was Clearly Needed to Process Image of Self in Mirror

Next time, I'm going out to buy a swimsuit. Then I can totally blame the flourescents.

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