Wednesday, April 28, 2010

Return To Sender: Suck it, Victoria's Secret

I bought a swimsuit online. Actually, two. Which is not unusual for me. One, because I'm pretty sure about what I want; and two, because I am NOT standing in some overlit flourescent cubicle with a wimpy curtain as I completely strip down and then use said light in its most harsh way to critique my palid skin.

I'd sooner voluteer to test out the new showers in a women's prison.

No, this kind of humiliation needs to happen at home. With people I know. And love. Who walk into My Closet as I try on Swimsuit #1 and freeze in their respective 6- and 3-year old tracks.

Lefty: "Oh, hiiiiiiiiiii Mom" [looks at me as though something is trying to force its way out of his's a distinct look...]

Happy: "Ewww...boobies" [points]

Clearly, size too small. But thanks little dude. I hustle them out and pull out Swimsuit #2. I'll ask the stupid question. Why? Why does a D cup top have padding? Do I need MORE boob? A's? Definitely. B's? Sure, why not. Even maybe a C, depending what you fancy. But D's?

Here's the thing: I have more boob than face. Lydia, too, has more boob than face. I think that should be enough. In fact, it should be criteria. If you can cover up more of your face with one hand than you can one boob, you. don't. need. padding.

It's sorta like having 5 tires on your car.

Swimsuit #2 was definitely better. Let's be frank. It couldn't get worse. The pattern on the first swimsuit started looking like mini arrows. Arrows that highlighted the route for my tour bus of Fleshy Tragedies. "And, over here, to the hip, we see the railroad tracks of stretch marks that ended the life of Kate's shorts...and here, we see the completely misaligned and asymmetrical Twin Peaks of Nursing. This tragedy occured when Lefty favored -- as you can predict -- Lefty over Righty."

A note of seriousness: No. Bra. Fixes. This.

So, I MacGyvered the damn thing. Took padding from Swimsuit #1. Put it in just the Lefty of Swimsuit #2. Hiked that puppy UP within an inch of its life. That, my friends, is a hard working piece of spandex, or rayon or whatever it is...

Judge Mirror is just waiting for me. Mocking comments at the ready.

OK. Not too bad. Good color. No arrows. Stupid stretch marks. Lefty is seemingly perkier and kinda keeping pace with Righty. Righty is kinda acting like my sister...All tall and peering down her shoulder (if boobs had shoulders) at her little sister. Yes, Bianca, I just compared you to my boob. My good boob.

Hmmm, maybe Swimsuit #1 without the padding? I stare it down. It's little arrows are all ready to jab me at every flaw. Groan.

Oh god it's even worse. Without the padding it's like the slow melt that happens to your ass when you wear scrubs. Even a cute bum melts into your knees. [Lesson here: Pants that are reversible; bad for the rear view.] I didn't realize that padding also served as sort of a Hoover Dam. (Hooter Dam??) because without it, the twins are sorta starting to -- ummm -- seep.

Lefty is rapidly starting to resemble quicksand, sorta "...these are the days of our lives" top half of the hourglass. Where is she going? Because physics says Lefty (boob, not kid) can't just be gone. I peek into the top. Oh, this is very wrong! It's like melty jello! I jam in some padding to stop the fissure.

And then notice three sets of eyes staring at me...worried.

Goodbye Swimsuit #1 (except for the padding, I'm keeping you. Shhh.) I whip out the return form. Handy. Thank you. They must have known. And it gives you all these...wait....oh, hell gives you all these REALLY LAME REASONS for returning it.

11- Wrong Item Shipped
17 - Quality of Fabric
34 - Excessive Fading
35 - Excessive Shrinkage
38 - Do not like Color
40 - Changed Mind
41 - Gift

I just need to rip this up and tell them to go Suck It make a few quick edits...

Action to Be Taken? (First choice: Annihilate with a machine gun.) Fine, I'd like to make an exchange. For my original boobs. You remember them right? Lefty and Righty? You may know them as Shock and Awe? No?
Then how about a coverup? That should solve everything. What size? Do they make it in a tent? Super.

I decided to make a new form.  These are the Mommyland reasons for returning a swimsuit:

03 - Makes Me Look A Heifer
12 - Tragically Enhances Boobs Akimbo Syndrome
19 - Size 6 on Top and Size 14 on the Bottom Resulting in Boob Squishage and Ass Hanging Out
42 - Makes Small Children Cry
51 - Makes Me Cry
61 - I Do Not Wish To Be a Victoria's Secret Crash Test Dummy
72 - Did Not Come With Alcohol As Was Clearly Needed to Process Image of Self in Mirror

Next time, I'm going out to buy a swimsuit. Then I can totally blame the flourescents.

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  1. Crying. Laughing so hard. This is SO true. I do NOT understand padding in D cups! They do it in bras too. And you know what? THEY DO IT IN DOUBLE D CUPS TOO!!! That's just wrong.

    I too, have more boob than face. Nursing my child is like plopping a rock on top an ant. I am still terrified of suffocation by boobage.

  2. I had to explain this to my mom once...the padding is so that the larger than life boobs stay in a approved shape. instead of pancakes (bra too big/loose) or shelf-boob (tightening straps to try to make boobs perky again), you get the nicely rounded orb. :)

  3. Title Nine ( may solve your problems. I promise I don't work for them -- I'd never ordered anything from them until February, when I needed a suit for winter break and couldn't take the Victoria's Secret models smiling at me on the VS website. Best, most comfortable tankini ever. Made for a woman's body, but very cute.

  4. One of these days I am going to waterboard the secret out of Victoria and share it with the world. Because she she's hiding? Is how the f@ck to look good in their sadistic swimsuits.

  5. Hilarious! BEFORE Big Time I actually could wear bathing suits and nighties (maybe that's what got me into this trouble in the first place!) Now they're all shoved in the back of my closet and I cuss a lot when I happen to come across them. Now it's all swim shorts and tankini tops. MOM SUITS! I hate them. I hate swimsuit season. I hate VS for reminding me that I'm not skinny and hot! As a former A-cupper that LOVED padding, I'm just confused when I pick up a padded D cup bra. Really? Padding? Is that so I can lay my head over on my breasts and nap? Oh, oh, I's to soak up the coffee! Fabulous. Thanks insane (flat chested) bra makers!

  6. Cheers to you for even trying! I haven't worn a swimsuit since child 2 of 4 and even then I refused to take the cover-up off.

  7. My boobs used to be such nice round firm D cups. Then I got pregnant and breastfed. Oh my those 32 Gs. My boobs are so droopy I buy padded bras so that I can pretend my boobs don't look like deflated balloons!

    My hubby is so paying for a boob lift after kiddo #2.

  8. As someone that has had three kids in six years, two words "swim shorts".

  9. I used to not understand the padded bras. Then I breastfed and needed a little padding to not look cold all the time. If I really was cold, well, there was no hiding it.

    I also appreciate the padding if I'm at the pool and I hear my kid cry, or another baby cry, and my swimsuit isn't wet enough to hide the wet circles that would appear...

    So, I think of it not as padding, but as camouflage.

  10. Not just flourescent lights! Let's not forget about the requirement to leave undergarments on when trying on bathing suits. That works,not. But who really wants to try on a suit that someone else has tried on...cause you know it's not been laundered since then...EWWW! The whole thing makes me want to gag!

  11. Try
    They carry the MiracleSuit. Takes 10 lbs off in 10 seconds. I LOVE their suits. Justbought my second one last week.

  12. While looking at a VS catalouge I aksed my lovely husband if he liked one of the miracle push up bikinis (I NEED the extra padding since I represent the itty bitty titty committee even while nursing my 9 month old!!) his response..."YEA...on her!" SUCK IT HUSBAND!!

  13. I apologize for the late response, but I just came across this blog. (It's hilarious, by the way. I love it!)

    Anyway, I work at Victoria's Secret, so I do know why there is padding for D cups and larger. I'm also answering this question on the account that I'm a 32DD -- a size which is absolute hell to shop for because it's rare (if you don't understand bra sizing, it means that I have excessively large breasts for a small frame. It's not glamorous. It's painful and I want a reduction).

    The thing is, size is not what's most important when it comes to bras. The most important things are shape and especially DENSITY. As a general rule, the larger the breasts the less dense they are (density refers to glandular tissue). Large breasts consist of mostly fat, which is "squishy" rather than firm. This is why the majority of women with large breasts benefit from padded push-up bras, as such technology makes the breasts appear rounder and fuller.

    Oppositely, small breasts tend to benefit the most from demi bras. This is because such breasts as a rule have more glandular tissue, and thus less problems in need of correction. In addition, glandular tissue is firm to begin with so such breasts cannot benefit from getting "pushed up" (because they can't BE pushed up).

    Now as far as maternity bras go, that's a different field of needs, and unfortunately Victoria's Secret wrongfully ignores pregnant and nursing mothers. But I hope that I was able to answer your question on a general level.




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